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This Week:
* DAVID ICKE - Yep, we're annoying him again
* SPECIAL EFFECTS - Your guide to being ace
* HITLER - Now on Twitter

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "R Kelly. Taking the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   art out of 'rap artist'"

B3ta email 387 - 17 July 2009

We're one better than an Intel 386 chip. Result.

  Friday follow:  [email protected]
        Block:  [email protected]

  Go on, have an affair. They're great.

  "If you're happy and in love, tell your spouse.
  If you're not, tell someone else's! Join
  EliteAffair for discreet uncomplicated dating."

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Kittens, David Icke, FX, Nazis, Telly & Scams 

  >> Kitten Graffiti <<
  "A few years ago a family member received a
  pretty awful kitten calendar," writes Mster, "I
  nicked and, over the course of the year, along
  with my flat mate at the time, drew over it in
  pen, placing the kittens in various forms of
  danger and excitement. I finally got round to
  scanning them in today, so here are a few of

  >> David Icke vs B3ta <<
  Conspiracy theorist David Icke agreed to a B3ta
  interview and Kirk Rutter (he also did that
  Winner or Sinner one we ran a few years back)
  went down to film him. Icke refused to answer
  any of our silly questions about lizards and
  used the time to rant on and on about his
  mentalist theories. Frankly we've heard it all
  before and decided to dump the interview and
  move on. However, boarder Happy Toast found a
  clip of it Kirk had uploaded on YouTube and
  decided to edit it for his own purposes. It's
  vastly more entertaining that the real
  interview, believe you me. Slightly NSFW due to
  CGI lady dancer's bottom.

  >> How to do special effects <<
  Cyriak has been getting into a froth over
  YouTubers getting lots of attention for
  something he considers a simple little trick.
  First you need to watch an example, then you
  need to watch his expose of how the trick
  works. Very simple once you know and we quite
  fancy having a go ourselves but then couldn't
  think of anything really great to do with it.
  Except shoot pens from our cocks into a pretty
  girl's face. That might work.

  >> Heil Twhitler<<
  All Hitler, all of the time, and in response to
  a request we thought up last week basically to
  fill space, comes this fantastic toy from
  Craigae. It's great because not only is it
  amusingly inappropriate, it's genuinely
  interesting to read people's tweets about
  Adolf. Sample quotes: 
  * "That's like Hitler saying 'Ooh, I just meant
  to go for a little walk, but then I accidentally
  invaded Poland.'"
  * "If only Hitler had been Voldemort. Life
  would've been so full of hot Draco-like Nazi
  Kids! "
  Also it lists the people who most mention
  Hitler, which is a handy little nutter watch.
  >> Getting on Television <<
  Tom Scott has been attempting to get on TV, by
  standing behind people doing mobile broadcasts.
  He's not done a bad job actually. Although
  at 12 minutes we feel this clip could benefit
  from being 4 times shorter. Tom writes, "I may
  have to make a 60-second ADHD version if the
  internet feels it's too long though." Go on!

  >> Would you give this lady £10? <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer has been conducting an
  impromptu social experiment where instead of
  telling a stranger asking to borrow a tenner to
  go away, he gives it and waits around to see if
  it comes back. It doesn't, of course.


  Gyms - don't laugh, really

  We weren't sure if any of our readers had been
  in a gym to be honest, but we asked anyway:

  Here's three bodily function stories to keep
  you amused:
  * POP - "I’d just done a weight session, had a
  quick shower, and was laying face down on a
  gurney stark bollock naked with a towel
  covering my modesty, waiting to have a warm
  down massage. This was the normal routine, and
  it was a proper massage place, not one of those
  dodgy backstreet places where you get a blowjob
  from a fifteen year-old Lithuanian). The man
  who did the massaging was Frank. He oiled me up
  and started on my shoulders, smoothing out the
  tension, making me feel relaxed. Frank moved
  onto my lower back, my body made a series of
  lovely clunking noises. Frank started on the
  top of my thighs and, as Frank was busy
  kneading away, his hands all oily and slippery,
  I sneezed really violently. My arse shot
  backwards. And Frank’s thumb lodged firmly up
  my brown bullet wound like a cork in a bottle.
  I let out a scream. So did Frank. Frank
  attempted to remove his thumb from my arsehole
  but because I was suddenly (and fucking
  surprisingly) tense, I sort of clamped tight
  round him. Frank’s thumb was stuck! I howled in
  agony. Eventually Frank came free and, panting,
  I rolled onto my front, towel tossed aside. And
  I realised Frank was gazing in fear at my
  willy. I looked down. I was harder than set
  concrete. Frank must’ve tickled my prostate.
  And all he said was, "You’ll be wanting some
  tissues for that." I’ve never been to a gym
  since." (Big Grant)
  * PLOP - "When I was in my mega fit phase I
  used to go every day in my two hour lunchtime.
  The gym was great because it provided all the
  clothes and stuff to wear so I didn’t need to
  bring anything with me. I was doing some bench
  presses and I strained so much that I did a
  poo. A half solid poo. As I wasn’t wearing my
  underwear to stop them getting all sweaty, my
  poo flew straight out of the gap in my shorts
  and onto the floor. Worse, this was accompanied
  by a very loud raspberry. People who didn’t
  have headphones turned to look at me. Some
  people came over to stare and be disgusted. I
  honestly thought I had snapped my farting
  strings. My entire body was incandescently red
  with embarrassment. Even worse, I couldn’t lift
  the weights back due to being shit-fit
  weakened. Trying very hard to get the weight
  from my neck and onto the hook, it happened
  again. This was more diarrhoea now, and I had
  managed to pump my slurry even further. It hit
  the closest girl watching in the eye.
  Eventually I pushed my way past the crowd, and
  ran. As I left, I glanced back to see a good
  half metre trail of excrement. Some less than
  stout-hearted people were crying. No one said a
  word. Left my stuff there. Never went back."

  * SPLATTER - "Many years ago, I caught the flu.
  Not full fledged man-flu, but it was still
  pretty bad. In my less than 100% state, I
  decided it would be a good idea for me to go
  'run it off'. So there I am, on the running
  machine. Running off the flu. Fucking idiot.
  I'd been jogging for a few minutes when it
  happens. I puke on the machine and immediately
  slip in the vomitus. Which causes me to fall
  flat on my face and get fired off the back of
  the running machine. So now not only do I have
  the flu, bruises and a nice covering of
  flu-bile, but I'm also being pebble-dashed as
  the treadmill continues to flick the remains at
  me. And _then_ the gym instructor guy comes
  running over and says, "Are you alright?" (Lend
  Me Your Eyes)

   We also liked VitaminC's GP who, "told me to
  try and join a gym at my appointment today,
  'as I've got a bit of a tummy.' Or, as I would
  put it, 29 weeks pregnant. He blushed quite
  beautifully when I pointed this out..."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Rob emailed Mike a huge rant about his bank. So
  he used it as copy for this week's question.
  Job done. Tell us your banking tales of woe:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Twitter pic voyeur <<
  Real time what images people are posting to
  Twitter timewaste-o-tron. See how long you can
  go without spotting a self-photographed penis.
  Or, should you prefer the ladies, how long
  before you notice an attractive girl you fancy
  cyberstalking for a few mins? Both are sure

  >> Star Wars vs. crowdsourcing <<
  Interesting idea - crowdsource the filming of
  15 seconds of a movie and then stitch it
  together. Sadly, they've done it in a slightly
  annoying way so that once all the slots are
  booked, which they are now, you can't join in.
  We'd prefer multiple entries per chunk with
  voting deciding what goes into the final cut,
  as we suspect many who claim they're entering
  aren't going to get round to it. Still,
  extremely curious to see the finished product.

  >> Huxley Vs. Orwell <<
  A thought-provoking comparison between the two
  authors in cartoon form; selling the theory
  that Huxley was a more prescient writer, whose
  predictions have largely come true. Maybe so -
  but Orwell was a much better communicator than
  Huxley. Orwell is the king of fantastic
  concepts encoded into catchy phrases - these
  days we call them memes: Newspeak, Big Brother,
  Room 101, Doublethink etc. Orwell has enriched
  our language hugely. But hey, debate is good. 


  Lols cavort for your executive pleasure

  >> This'll cheer you up <<
  Geeky bloke proves he really can pop some moves
  on a Dance Dance Revolution machine. Reminds us
  of Michael Jackson in the Blame It On The
  Boogie video where he's dancing with the pure,
  joyful love of expression and hasn't yet got
  bogged down in technical prowess that (to us)
  always looked like an autistic robot.

  >> Man gets hit by a train <<
  Say what you like about Hitler but he knew how
  to get the trains to run on time, although if
  you were a passenger on the said train you
  might want to get off before Auschwitz. To be
  honest we're just filling space here as it's
  one of those clips that are better off without
  too much exposition.

  >> Saving Private Remi <<
  French prankster Remi Gaillard's normal schtick
  includes stuff like pretending to be a
  footballer and getting Jacques Chirac to greet
  him like a sporting hero. He's a star,
  basically, the first thing from France since
  Monsieur Mangetout (the bloke who ate cars)
  that's worth screen time. In this clip he
  stages a single-handed Normandy Beach landing &
  barely gets noticed.

  >> It looks like due to budget cut backs... <<
  ...the BBC now have to use Window Movie Maker
  to cut their graphics. This is epically crap
  and the producer should be given a job editing
  Newsnight. BONG!

  >> Dan Antopolski Sandwich Rap <<
  The sandwich concept is a beautiful thing;
  carbohydrate wrapping over a protein filling
  preventing your fingers getting mucky. If you
  think about it, ravioli is like a pasta
  sandwich and pasties are a pastry sandwich.
  Them's our thoughts on Britain's finest export
  - and here's Dan Antopolski's thoughts. They
  differ only in that he raps them and says
  completely different stuff. 

  >> Eminem meets Dr Who meets Benny Hill <<
  One of those crazy internet mash-up things, as
  the 35 year-old kids in Hoxton are calling it.
  Amusing actually, being constructed from such
  disparate sources, it comes together with a
  schizophrenic flourish.

  >> Ah, Mexican keyboard cat....you fail, Senor. <<
  Poor bloke fails to create new keyboard cat,
  despite lots of effort. The cat isn't having it.


  Kill us now, it would quicker

  * TIT HOOPS - lord bofingham sends in what he
  describes as "an unfortunate choice of name for
  a broadcaster." 

  * TESTICLES - hagis_uk writes, "I notice you
  had the name Bow Locks in your newsletter the
  other week. My friend is a lock smith and
  started his company in Bow. What better excuse
  for a pun? P.S. He's not paying me to send you
  this or anything."

  * MORE GPS WRITINGS - Weetobix writes,
  "Inspired by mrkeithmartin in last week's
  newsletter, I set about upping the ante with my
  own posh GPS watch. You may have to zoom into
  the squiggly bit, but the sheer amount of
  effort that run took, I think it's worth a



  B3tans have very much been getting involved in
  One or Other. For the benefit of provincials
  (and colonials), that's an art project where
  members of the public get to do their thing on
  the empty plinth in London's beautiful
  Trafalgar Square. 

  * GODZILLA! "I made a scale model of London, a
  giant Godzilla suit and then spent an hour on
  the plinth stomping the model to bits," roars
  grumio_est_coquos. "I feel a bit of fraud -
  only did it to stop my girlfriend from nagging
  me." He is to applauded for the lengths he will
  go to for peace and quiet. First link is a
  making of, second is his plinth time - fast
  forward 10 minutes.

  * BANNERS! "I am fortunate to have been randomly
  selected to stand on the plinth, on August
  15th," beams Ian. "I was thinking of taking a
  few banners with my favourite sites listed,
  including B3ta." Yay! Anyone got any other good
  suggestions for Ian's brave banner display?

  Results from the Hitler Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to draw Hitler.

  Your favourites included:
  * VENN - inspired Hitler-a-like using the
  hypothetically possible logical relations
  between a finite collection of sets (finnbar)

  * PARMESAN - Cheese Hitler! Cheese Hitler!
  Cheese Hitler! (Usernameless)

  * SWITCH - Hitler as home furnishing (monkeon)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Movie Mashups <<
  Take any film you wish, and photoshop the
  scenery, characters or titles into the style of
  a famous movie poster for a different film: The
  Dambusters in the style of Ghostbusters,
  Finding Nemo in the style of Jaws, etc.
  Challenge suggested by The Great Architect


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  Presumably a runner was sent off to buy some
  kitten calendars and as luck would have it,
  they chose our very own Fraser Lewry's
  kittenwar merchandising. Wonder if he can now
  stick a badge on his website, "As featured in

  * TAGCLOUD / HITLER WOE - last week we had a
  bit of a fuck up setting the image challenge
  when your Ginger Fuhrer sent a confusing email
  to Fraser babbling about tag clouds and Fraser
  stuck it up as the challenge text. Ooops. Mr
  Bojangles was amused and says, "I made this
  little vid, inspired by your Hitler/tagclouds
  malarkey." Frankly, this made us clap like seals
  but it's possibly of minority interest.

  * FAN MAIL - Dave Raum writes, "I'm a 57 year
  old unemployed trucker here in Florida and I
  just wanted to say, that I have been enjoying
  your website for many years. Craziest stuff
  I've ever seen or read ! Love it ! Thanks,
  Dave." No, thank you Dave, and if any of our
  readers need a truck driver in Florida, then
  get in touch and we'll pass it on.

  * AIR CON vs FANS - gronkpan writes, "I had an
  argument with the power company about how much
  my bill was, and I completely lost the argument
  by saying that I had an air conditioner - They
  cost about 50 cents (australian) per hour to
  run, meaning that 24-hour use is about $12/day.
  A fan is closer to 2 cents per hour. So to
  answer MadAdamUk's question, you can have 25
  fans running around the clock for around the
  same price as one air conditioner."

  However, Wallilay points out, "Well, fans don't
  cool - they only move air around and as they're
  doing work they generate heat. They only cool
  you as they aid evaporation from your skin. 
  The number of arguments I've had in server
  rooms filled with fans placed with good
  intentions, but little understanding is scary.
  I end up shouting 'BUT SERVERS DON'T SWEAT!'"


  Janey Thompson's Marathon

  Continuing our gamekeeper-turned-poacher
  shenanigans, we've pimped another B3tan to E4
  to make a flash game. Matt Round is a fucking
  genius and we hope he sticks that on his CV.
  His real-time all 26-mile marathon simulator is
  a tour-de-force in retro gfx design. Even down
  to the scanlines. C'mon! That's attention to



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * COMIC SANS O TRON - what about a magic
  website that can make the BBC News website
  render entirely in comic sans. It'll make the
  news more cheery.

  * 999 IPHONE - "We need someone to develop an
  emergency iPhone app that, with one button
  press, takes a photo, geotags, uploads and
  tweets it." (via @jearle)

  * RADIO CONTROLLED HORSE - "A helmet with a
  moveable dangling carrot should do the trick."
  (via  @edwardrussia)

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @iamnotsteve,
  @codepo8, the_weaver, edwardrussia, Darklord,
  Michelle Obama's Stalker, Peter_G, Frunobulax,
  Jimbotfu, planearm, bogeypie. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser  Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia jokes
  cut and pasted from Aspen, itchyanus &
  isaacjcksn. Thanks guys.


: AIR CON ON THE CHEAP (top tip)

  * 1 desk fan
  * 1 frozen 2 litre bottle of coke
  * Put bottle on table, place fan behind bottle,
    turn fan on.

  Keeps the room cool and you can drink the Coke
  like a fatty, after it's melted.


  Just had a water fight over the park with a
  bunch of local kids.
  I won!
  No one's a match for me and my kettle.

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