NEWSLETTER: "TITLE TITLE TITLE TITLE"
This Week:
* ANIM - Watermelons!
* TWITS - Shit my Dad says
* FASHION - Arse-Winkers(TM)
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 393 - 28 Aug 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue393/
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: SPONSORED LINK
Ouchy ouchy hurt hurt
We have legally ripped off (“licensed”) a bunch
of old and new clips of people doing stupid
things and hurting themselves and got Swede
Mason of Jeremy Clarkson Beatbox fame to mash
them all up into a viral for a new car racing
game called Blur. He’s done a wicked job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Watermelons, Tinfoil, Cats and 9
>> They Are Watermelons <<
"It's about 2 watermelons just hanging about,"
explains Appox of his latest short animation.
Manages to say something about bullying,
through the medium of talking fruits.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/They_Are_Watermelons_Tra...
>> Anthony Travels to the Future <<
"I met a bloke at the weekend who worked for a
tin foil company. He gave us 80m of it," says
Paint My Wagon. "I probably use less than 5m of
tin foil a year, so I dressed up as someone
from the future and jumped out of a bin."
Seems the only thing to do, really.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Anthony_Travels_to_the_F...
>> Autotuner cats <<
To be honest, we didn't have high hopes when
Joel told us his latest project involved more
musical kittens. This strangely-haunting mewed
anthem was a pleasant surprise.
http://www.rathergood.com/singing_kitties
>> 09/09/09 <<
"On the 9th Sept, the date is 09/09/09,"
explains numerology-obsessed Phil Cooper. "I'm
spending the day recording and releasing 9
songs. I'll start recording at 9am and the
album will be released at 9pm. All profits from
sales will be given to charities that support
the emergency services. I also hope to have a
webcam running on the day, so people can check
in on the recording process." He has an mp3 up
there right now so why not check it out before
the rush?
http://www.the9album.co.uk
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
DIY Techno-hacks
We wanted to know how you'd made stuff
better with your own excellent hacks,
or whether your invention had turned on
humanity and destroyed the world.
http://b3ta.com/questions/technohacks/
* WANK ALARM - When I was 11, I was into
electronics. My best ever project was to
install Maplin type pressure pads around
the house under the carpet, and wire them all
up to little light bulbs, attach all the
bulbs to a wooden board, and label them with
their locations. I did all of this when my
parents were out, and for years, I could tell
where people were in the house - roughly.
As I became a teenager, this actually proved
fantastically useful as a rudimentary wank
alert, and allow me enough time to hide my
tadger should anyone head toward my bedroom
door. As my old childrens bedroom is now my
grown up office, it still performs the exact
job it did all those years ago. Only it now
warns me of my missus' approach. I'm never
going to reveal it to her but I shall pass
it on to my son one day. Boys never change
do they? (I have run out of coke)
* ORAL SEX AID - Back when I started working
as a travelling salesman I was living with my
first serious girlfriend, a girl from Oldham
named Gill. As I was going away for a fortnight
and leaving her in our flat alone for the first
time I thought I’d buy her something romantic,
something to remember me by. So I got her a black
mamba four-speed 12” vibrator (complete with
realistic bulging veins and purple bell end).
Gill opened the package, stared at it for a bit,
then put it on her dresser. I went off on my tour
of duty, selling insurance policies to gimps, and
rang Gill after I’d finished work everyday.
On the fourth or fifth day I remembered my
spectacular gift of love and dedication (to
Gill’s excellent and perfectly formed pudenda),
and asked her if she’d got round to giving it
a try. Gill, very matter-of-factly replied:
“Ooh, yes, Spanky! I use it first thing in
the morning and last thing at night! Its completely
revolutionised my life!” I paused. I had the
horrible feeling I was going to be dumped in
favour of a 12” lump of plastic.
When I’d finished my sales bollocks I went
home. And there, in the bathroom, I found the
offensive weapon, all black and glistening
on the bathroom sink. Gill had modified it.
It stood on its end, all 12” glorious penisy
inches stretching into the sky like a pervy
version of the Eiffel Tower – and Gill had
sellotaped something to it. Wrapped loads and
loads of tape round the length to secure something
else to its length. Gill had sellotaped her
toothbrush onto it. Apparently she’d always
wanted an electric toothbrush, one of those
vibrating jobbies, but had never got round to
buying one. And she told me later that since
she’d been using this homemade bodge-job every
morning and every night her teeth had never
felt so clean, apparently. Gill asked if I
wanted to see her use it.
"No, not really," I said. (SpankyHanky)
* PROPER TECHNO-HACKING - The ZX Spectrum laptop.
I Repeat: The ZX Spectrum Laptop
http://srimech.blogspot.com/2007/10/zx-spectrum-la...
(JimM)
>> This Week's Question <<
We all know of at least one bloke who wears a
tinfoil hat and listens to too much TalkSport.
Tell us about Conspiracy Theory nutters.
http://b3ta.com/questions/tinfoilhelmet/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Shit my dad says <<
Justin is 28 and lives with his 73-year-old
dad. These are some of the awesome things his
dad says, via Twitter.
http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays
>> Webpage 'presenters' <<
This site lets you add friendly Australian
'presenters' to any site, as a preview of their
service. It doesn't filter for content. Point
it at redtube.com and enjoy the dialogue...
http://www.bellme.com.au/bell-hd/
>> Your data DNA <<
Fun MITT project datamines the internet for
info about you, then draws you a diagrammatic
personal profile. Works best if you have a
slightly unusual name (or are very famous).
http://personas.media.mit.edu/
>> Funny family photos <<
Oddly-themed or otherwise notable family
photoshoots. Preserve forever your child's look
of total mortification. Ah, it's heartwarming
though, really. As long as it's someone else's
family doing it.
http://freshpics.blogspot.com/2009/08/funny-family...
>> Tape yourself <<
A gallery of grotesque mugshots. Why not join
in, by plastering sellotape over your face
until you look like Sloth from the Goonies?
http://www.tapeyourself.com/
>> Make your own Keyboard Cat <<
Spot a major fail but too far away from the web
for Keyboard Cat? Play them off with this
rather splendid papercraft KC for you to cut
out and keep!
http://snurl.com/paperlols
>> Boycott Scotland <<
Site with an interesting take on Scotland's
recent Lockerbie decision. Remember Freedom
fries?
http://www.boycottscotland.co.uk/
>> Glum Councillors <<
Seeking a picture of an unhappy local
politician, staring at a hole in the road? This
right here is your one-stop shop. Also features
councillors looking concerned about drains and
wheeliebins.
http://glumcouncillors.tumblr.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if ceefax was hi-res. Just imagine
>> Winkers(TM) <<
Decorative jeans that make your arse cheeks
wink. The poo-brown owl in particular is bloody
hypnotic. BTW: Nice to see they aren't bowing
to the dreadful trend for size zero models.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> The Otamatone <<
Brilliantly amusing musical instrument,
apparently from Japan.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Otamatone
>> Mario: Game Over <<
Super Mario's winning screen is just the start
of his troubles. He's an unemployed plumber
addicted to mushrooms and things are not-a
going so well-a with the Princess.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Baby-soothing PC <<
This is what happens when linux geeks make babies.
http://bit.ly/cpOkX
>> Ultimate Muscle Roller Legend <<
An intensely gay videogame car chase that's
very much doing the rounds this week. Wired
explains the weirdness:
http://snurl.com/thisismentals
>> Pong, Pre-Pong <<
A 1958 ancestor to the venerable tennis game,
whipped up by a government scientist to
entertain visitors to his lab. What's
impressive is that it looks so good - better
graphics than anything for the next 20 years!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Trippy Music Video Wall <<
Play any or all of these youTube clips at once
to create your own crazy cathedral of sound in
B-Flat.
http://inbflat.net/
>> 8-Bit Lego Trip <<
Got excited to see old 8-bit classic games
rendered in 3D with lego. Very excited. This is
such nerd-porn.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Now_thats_an_awful_lot_o...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Only in China...
Will Jennings writes, "I was teaching English
to Chinese children in Chongqing a few years
ago. On a visit into a shopping centre area of
the city I came across this delightfully-named
beauty parlour."
http://www.flickr.com/photos/urbanpenguin/81438891...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Sausages Challenge
Last week we wanted SAUSAGES
Your favourites included:
* TAN - when bangers get back from the beach
(Santa Claws)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9654235
* MEAT - Luke turns to Obi Wan when he's
in need of sage sabre-sausage sense
(gingerfreak)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9649815
* BALLOON - the porcine equivalent of
the cocoon/butterfly tale (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9659076
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sausages/
>> New challenge: Steampunk <<
This week's challenge is to celebrate
Steampunk and the age of Victorian
sci-fi, where airships and steam power
exist alongside 19th century versions of
more modern developments. Challenge
suggested by monstrinho do biscoito
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/steampunk/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* DOES HOLDING IN PEE CAUSE PROBLEMS? -
therealwtf (RN, BSc (Hons)) writes, "It can
ultimately cause kidney and bladder problems.
When your bladder gets to its fullest capacity
and you don't pee, then urine travels back up
the ureters and back into the kidneys,
engorging them and potentially causing kidney
failure. And, all the crap your body has
already filtered out into the pee will return
to the body, poisoning it. Usually the urge to
pee is too strong and you'll just wet yourself
but it is possible for the backtracking to
happen in younger people with good bladder
control. Alternatively, you could just drink
less and therefore have the urge to pee less,
but that may cause uric acid crystals to form
and they cause kidney stones which REALLY
FUCKING HURT... So, not peeing potentially can
cause kidney stones, kidney failure and
systemic poisoning. And... it's possible to
overstretch the bladder, causing incontinence.
Given the choice, I'd rather get off my fat,
lazy arse and go to the toilet! I suppose a
bloke could always pee in a bottle?"
* PUPPIFY HACK - Leda74 writes, "With regard to
MrTrent's heartfelt wish, it's easy to amend
the Kittenify link. Opening the bookmark's
Properties and replacing the word 'kitten' with
'puppy' is all it takes. Or...you know, you
can put any other word in the world there.
"Goatse' provided some small amusement for a
while."
http://www.reload.me.uk/b3ta/kittens/
* SKILLET TIPS - The Fretful Porpentine writes,
"I was pleased to see the 'sponsored' link in
the newsletter. Welcome to the world of cast
iron and black iron pans. Teflon pans are
rubbish. They are non stick to start off with
and then stick when they get scuffed up with
utensils and through cleaning. Cast/black iron
pans stick a bit to start off with but just get
more and more non stick. The lack of soap in
the cleaning is a bit scary to start off with
but persevere. It pays off. To start your life
long relationship with your pan, clean it
thoroughly with plenty of hot water and a
scouring pad. Dry thoroughly and coat the
inside of the pan with oil or lard. Bung it in
a really hot oven for an hour or two. Turn the
oven off and let cool. Coat again with a sheen
of oil and it's ready for use. You will need to
use a bit more oil than you're used to using in
a Teflon pan to start off with but as the
season develops, food will release
effortlessly. To clean, use hot water and a
very light scrub to remove anything that has
stuck, then oil again and then pop on a fierce
flame for a minute or two to "dry" the oil. It
might seem like a bit of a faff compared to
Teflon, but you will bond with your pan and it
will enrich your cooking experience. Avoid
highly-flavoured foods - keep separate pans for
meat and fish for example as the flavours will
linger in the seasoning. Be responsible for the
welfare of your pan, someone else may scour it,
use detergent or scrape the seasoning off. Let
people know it's your pan and the consequences
if they damage it." Gosh.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* U AND NON-U.com - are things posh or not? A
crowd-sourced version of the Nancy Mitford
classic book on class differences built using
the kittenwar mechanic. (Thought up because
someone lent us a copy of the 1970s book
"Class" By Jilly Cooper.)
* CULTS BLOG - this week we've been obsessing
about weird 60s cults like The Process and
wondering what cults are knocking about today.
This spilled out into a fantasy of joining as
many cults as we could find and writing a blog
entry about each one, "a day in the life"
stuff. However, we're too busy/lazy to do
this so can somoeone else? Cheers.
* FUCK OUR LIFE - FML for married people. "We
went round someone else's house the other day
and then had to sit around for 20 minutes while
she dumped her boyfriend via MSN. FOL."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by evil hound,
ivor_the_engine, canarynightlife,
barryheadwound, @duckorange: @qwghlm,
@Wiiloveit, Christian Heilmann, McBadger,
sesquipedeviant, PointlessCamel, gronkpan,
Martin Parton. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke.
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My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year
and I wanted to give him all the help and
support I can. So I've killed his mum.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
