NEWSLETTER: "NO + ROHYPNOL = YES"
This Week:
* JOKES - Real world testing
* NERDS - Weebl's 8-bit japes
* MUSIC - Terribad 2001
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 394 - 4 Sep 2009
Read princess peach in your bowser. uh:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue394/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Drums, Games, Death and Fat
>> Fat man can-can <<
"Hi dude," gruffs Joel Veitch. "We've
turned the swearing fat man of internet legend
into a joyful can can." Why? Because he can.
http://www.rathergood.com/fat_man
>> Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... <<
Tom Scott and Fishcat rigourously test the
truth to the old gag about throwing percussion
instruments from a great height. Win!
http://snurl.com/drumsyeah
>> 8-Bit Pwny Club 2 <<
Weebl's panel of 8-bit experts give their geeky
rundown of computer games' top 5 most unhealthy
power-ups.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/8_Bit_Pwny_CLub_2
>> Morbid quiz fun <<
That bird sitting very still in the garden - is
it alive or a cunningly-fashioned example of
the taxidermist's art? Think fast, then have a
bash at busy phil's quiz.
http://reponere.com/deadoralive.php
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Conspiracy Theory Nutters
We asked for your stories about tin-foil
helmeted nutters who think we're all controlled
by shape-shifting lizards. They're wrong, of
course. It's kittens.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/tinfoilhelmet/
* TRAMP GENIUS - Oxford, a hot summer's Day when
a scruffy little Irish chappie comes and sits
next to me.
'Hullo there - are ye a student?'
'Yes, I am'
'I was a student meself, y'know? Was doing my
doctorate and everything, but they got rid of
me, the bastards.'
'Why's that?'
'Well... I solved physics, and y'know, well... they
didn't like that one bit.'
'You SOLVED physics?'
'Yes. But they got rid of me. Think about it: If
someone solves the whole bloody thing - there's no
jobs for all the scientists any more, are there?'
'Suppose not.'
'Aye, well... I've come here to try and find a
physics student so I can get my ideas to the
Faculty. Maybe if there's someone more trustworthy
here, I can get it all published. You're not a
physics student, I suppose?'
'Afraid not.'
'Ah, never mind... have you got £1 for the bus?'
(SnowytheRabbit)
* TEH TRUTH (PART ONE) - I've met a bunch of these
people, and the one thing they've never been
able to fully explain is this: If the world really
has for centuries been run by a shadowy cabal of
financiers/illuminati/Zionists/lizards, why the hell
aren't they better at it? Considering the abject
chaos that almost all of the world exists in, almost
all of the time, if someone really is lurking in the
background and pulling the strings, they're making
a spectacularly cock-awful job of it. (Monkey Tennis)
* STEPS - I always said that H sang every part
of the songs released by Steps. He was a
talented boy who could sing the entire range,
sometimes sounding like a girl when he did it.
But the industry couldn't just let him sing.
He'd be a laughing stock. So, they got three
girls and another boy to stand around. They
called this group "Steps", and it explains why
Steps mimed all their concerts. But then, Steps
split up. Again, they want to make money, but
the company feels that the world can't handle H
singing like a girl again, so they got Claire
from the old band to stand next to him and
mime. Thus, "H and Claire". You may look for
holes in this theory. You will find there are
none. (Friz)
* TEH TRUTH (PART TWO) - This post has been
removed by a moderator. (alastairweller)
>> This Week's Question <<
Call Centres: Dreadful pits of hellish torture for
both customer and the people who work there. Press 1
to leave an amusing story.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/callcentres/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Zombie family albums <<
The best way to remember a loved one is with a
photo of their manky corpse propped up in a
vaguely lifelike pose with the rest of the
family. Surely.
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/32946
>> Golly suit <<
This outfit must be out on hire all the time.
The ladies love a cool golliwog.
http://snurl.com/goodgollymissmolly
>> Paper Dogs <<
Lots of spare paper? Landlord won't let you
keep a pet? Why not construct one of these
exquisite 3D models of various doggy flavours?
http://snurl.com/hplazerdogs
>> People of Walmart <<
Grotesque gallery of the pond life that lurks
within your local hypermarket.
http://peopleofwalmart.com/
>> Turing petition <<
Sexy maths god Alan Turing wound up getting
driven to suicide by the government, for being
gay. Here's a petition asking for an apology.
Go on, sign an online petition now and CHANGE
THE FUCKING WORLD!
http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/turing/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
"I found a kitten!"
Kim writes - "I made the page in a state of
panic to seduce a potential adopter. Alas, just
days later she seduced me. I'm keeping her and
staying in Shanghai. I still get regular emails
from unknown interweb users; a kitten is a
powerful thing."
http://www.olivepixel.com/misc/kitten/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if there was video on the internet...
>> Good tunes played badly <<
2001: A Space Odyssey theme, as played by a bad
school orchestra. Next week we want Chariots of
Fire played on kazoo whilst a fat kid runs the
1000m.
http://snurl.com/2001yeah
>> Pulp Fiction <<
Remember that scene in Pulp Fiction where they
play out the cultural differences between
American and France via McDonalds? Imagine it
the other way round.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pulp_Fiction:2
>> Hitler's Reaction to the Oasis Split <<
How many Downfall dubs have there been now? We
didn't want to like it but couldn't help
laughing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hitlers_Reaction_to_the_...
>> MC Pacman and the Puff Blinky <<
What the world needs now is love sweet love,
but whilst we're waiting for Jesus to dry hump
our immortal souls, why not the story of Pacman
in rap? Worth it for the 2pac gag alone.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/PACMAN:3
>> 100 famous guitar riffs <<
Enjoyable simply to see how many you can spot,
or feel annoyed that your favourite isn't
there. Here's hoping next week we can run
Patrick Moore with "100 famous 80s keyboard
riffs on xylophone."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Not funny, namey or very cornery
* EVERYBODY LOVES MINGE - next time someone
asks you to share a photo on twitter why not
reply, why not "stick it up my quim"? (thx
@jearle)
http://myqu.im/
* ANT 'N' DEC TYPOS - coming in as the 3rd most
viewed item on the Guardian this week is this
misprint that'll probably be the number 1
google search return for their name until they
die. (thx richibald)
http://snurl.com/bumholesandpeepee
* MORE PHALLIC LOGOS - rob clubley writes,
"It's a quite posh local eatery in Wellington,
New Zealand. I don't know about you but my
dirty mind says this logo is rather cock-like.
And it's my own photo."
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3549/3882102985_385...
* EVEN MORE PHALLIC LOGOS - chris359alpha
writes, "Found a rude-looking shop sign today
in Bolton, thought you might like it."
http://snurl.com/peniswoofun
* JAPANESE IPHONE FUN - dmckeeney writes, "How
on earth do I explain to somebody in Japan that
the name of their marvellous new product is
actually a swear word in English."
http://www.i-fukkin.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Steampunk Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate Victorian
sci-fi.
Your favourites included:
* SHARK - classic meme tweakage as Stephenson's
Rocket morphs into a splendid Verne-esque
helicopter (amoebaboy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9665136
* 1901 - it's a question worth asking: why did
none of the Apollo astronauts sport spiffy
facial hair? (enceladus)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9663485
* LUCAS - Industrial Light & Magic in a 19th
Century stylee (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9662291
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/steampunk/
>> New challenge: Disney Marvel Mashup <<
This week Disney acquired Marvel Comics for $4
billion. Bargain. But how will Marvel's cast of
characters react to this move? Show us, using
Photoshop voodoo and trickery. Challenge
suggested by HappyToast
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/marveldisney/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GINGER FUHRER LOVES THE SAUSAGE - Rob
recently gave up vegetarianism and thought it
he'd blog about it, then thought, "I wonder if
I can persuade a newspaper to run it instead"
and indeed he could, for this dear reader, is
the magical power of the modern world. Have an
idea. Email someone and see what happens.
http://snurl.com/clickyclickyclicky
* MORE PISS FUN - gwilym.webb writes, "I see
your newsletter response 'DOES HOLDING IN PEE
CAUSE PROBLEMS?' and I raise you. A little
while ago in the British Medical Journal there
was a report about some girls from the
Wakefield area who'd put their bladders under
such strain (admittedly with the help of booze)
that their bladders had burst. Ouch. The
Guardian gives a nice account."
http://snurl.com/yeahyeahyeaheahea
* NOT BIGGING UP THE RIGHT GUYS - cielgee moans,
"I'm sure you'll get a few of these emails, but
the 'Funny family photos' site you linked was a
complete rip-off of the popular blog
AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com -- might want to give
them props in next week's newsletter and shun
this copy-cat site like that one watermelon
shunned the other."
http://www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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: FRIDAY GAME
Reducing games down to one click
Occasionally we lay back and fantasise about
being extremely rich - we recently met some guy
who reckons a mate of his earned £0.5m via
flogging an iPhone game. Now, having an iPhone
our main problem with using them as gaming
devices is the interface - controlling a little
character going left/right/up/down etc via
tapping the screen is unsatisfactory, so we
reckon the secret is reducing gameplay down to
one click. We also reckon these people - if
they release an iPhone conversion - are about
to become very rich indeed.
http://adamatomic.com/canabalt/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* FARE-DODGERS WIKI - Anonymous writes, "Not
that I ever try to fare evade, but if I know my
exit tube/train station doesn't have barriers
then I maybe buy a shorter, cheaper ticket for
the journey I am completing. But I only know a
handful of stations well enough! Can we start a
wiki-type project on a Tube map where people
can indicate whether stations have barriers?
Potential to expand to National Rail stations?"
This reminds us that Camden Road didn't used to
have a barrier about 10 years ago and we often
didn't bother to pay then, although it ruined
our journeys as it gave them a constant "am I
getting to get caught this time?" anxiety.
* PLAYDOH DINNER - "Get someone to find their
old Playdoh pump machine things & use it for
various catering. Cake icing? Biscuit dough?
Sausage meat?" (via @EddEgg)
* BOOZY DRAWINGS - "Draw a picture, take a
pint, draw the same picture again, take another
pint, draw it again, etc. Post results on the
intwerbs." Actually we've seen similar stuff
done with LSD, but going through differnent
intoxicants might be interesting. (via
@hnldesign)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @toastmaster,
@DeanBarnett, Kirsty, sequinedsundew,
iainhasaface, McBadger, Lightguy, Devon Dan,
The G Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Alistair Coleman is QOTW bloke.
Sickipedia via the brutal truth. Subjline via
bloodrocker.
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My girlfriend is a porn star. She's going to be
so pissed off when she finds out.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
