NEWSLETTER: "JEFFREY DAHMER JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT A BABOON MIGHT TASTE LIKE."
This Week:
* PHOTOS - Angry people in local newspapers
* QUESTION - Your HORRID fetishes
* ANNOUCING - Sickipedia comedy night
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're sleeping with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| your mum... together"
B3ta "email" 402 - 30 Oct 2009
Read this issue twice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue402/
Sub: [email protected]
Dom: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Authoritative book on the Columbine massacre
As nobody has bought a sponsored link this week
we'll use the slot to big up some recent
reading matter at B3ta towers: Dave Cullen's
brilliant, insightful book on one of the most
dreadful and fascinating shootings of recent
times. If grim, murder non-fiction is your thing
- then get clicky because this is the
motherlode:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/190696414...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lots of things and stuff
>> Angry people in local newspapers <<
Scaryduck has been collecting together photos
of this old newspaper trope - he writes, "I've
only been doing it for two-and-a-half days, it's
had over 4,000 views and people won't stop
sending me stuff. I only did it as a laugh. Now
I've got Google News alerts set up for 'dog
mess'."
http://apiln.blogspot.com/
>> Sickipedia comedy night <<
Against our better judgement we're trying out a
Sickipedia comedy night. We've got 12 or so gag
writers from the site and we're sticking them
up on stage. It's on the 10th of Nov, in
Shoreditch, London. Come.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/4072922604/
>> The I-Say Team <<
Drbroon writes, "Hello, as a result of the
lovely response my gif got last week, I decided
to make it into a video. Thanks very much
everyone, I really appreciate it." He he -
funny this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_I_Say_Team
>> Fake police spotter cards <<
"I was massively disappointed not to have made
it onto the police troublemaker spotter card,"
writes alixandalex, "And despite all my
attempts at being a 'domestic extremist'. So my
mate Stuart made me this. It's awesome."
http://policetroublemaker.appspot.com/
>> Joel on Beef <<
Veitch has traded in his pork obsession for
beef. "It's important to have a wide variety of
interests to ensure that I am a well-rounded
human being," he growls.
http://www.rathergood.com/beef
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Your little fetishes
We asked for the things that float your boat:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fetishes/
* FISH - "A couple of months back my sister
and I decided to give dear old Nan a visit,
because we're nice like that, for a cup of tea
and a natter. Usual Nan stuff. After going
through the usual inanities of her filling us
in with what every other member of the family
is up to and so on, we somehow ended up on the
subject of The War (WW2, that is), and the
whole American 'we came over and saved your
asses' sort of view, to which I made a
throwaway comment along the lines of, 'well,
all them American squaddies did was come here
and "see to" the wives of fellas who were off
in Europe." I expected to be told not to be
so silly, but then my Nan replied, 'Oh yes,
a lot of women sold their bodies to get a bit
of extra money'. Oh yes, Nan? 'Yes, in fact my
friend Helen's mum used to do it!' ...right...
'But no one held it against her, it was sort
of a done thing back then.' Fair enough, I
think, also presuming she'd leave it and start
back on about my aunt's flu or something.
But no. 'I remember me and me sister June went
to Helen's one day but no-one answered the
door, so we went round and looked in through
the window, and there was Helen's mum, up on
the table, dancing around completely naked,
and these two Americans...' She paused for a
chuckle, my sister and I look at each other
nervously, '...they were running around the
table, slapping her on the bum with dead fish!'
Bloody American squaddies, coming over here
and hitting our housewives with fish." (scoob666)
* DROP PANTIES; INSERT KNOB; - "My wife loves
it when I talk dirty to her in German. Now I
find this a bit odd; my native language is
hardly the language of love. Once, though,
instead of talking dirty I explained how to
do a database restore in SQL. It seems just
the tone of voice and German will do it for
her. Ah bless!" (zebby)
* ANAL - After raiding a flatmate's DVD stash
we figured he had a fetish for women fucking
each other in the arse. Turned out "Anal
Lesbians 6" was actually three hours of a
couple of women going through their fridge
and sorting the contents in alphabetical order."
(DarkLite)
* THE GREAT QOTW FAIL ARCHIVE - We're amused
that boarder Amorous Banshee is collecting the
worst QOTW answers all in one place. The
naughty fellow.
http://b3ta.com/users/profile.php
>> This Week's Question <<
Live in a crap town? Yep, this week we're doing
"crap towns" but so that it's not confused with
the The Idler's Crap Town's we're instead doing
it as B3ta's Rubbish Towns. A win for us, we
think.
http://b3ta.com/questions/rubbishtowns/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> We *heart* TV Tropes <<
Instead of working this week we've mostly been
reading TV Tropes - a fantastic collection of
cliches found in entertainment products.
Remember the stuff in Star Trek how the guy in
the red shirt always dies? That's only the
start - linky goes to the opposite of "jumping
the shark", the definitive point where a show
makes a turn for the better.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Growing...
>> Writing to the Ritz... <<
This chappy wrote to the Ritz Hotel with a
scone-based dilemma. They were very helpful.
http://snurl.com/scones
>> 4x4 Mobility scooter <<
Since we noticed our local Argos flogging
mobility scooters for about £999, a little
misanthropic game we like to play is guessing
whether the users we see on the street really
need them. Anyway, for those who've given up
walking but still wish to cause trouble off
road we give you:
http://www.kemcare.co.nz/
>> Vulva necklaces <<
"Hey ladies!" writes niteone, "Want the hot guy
at the end of the bar to see what he's in for
at the end of the night? Have one of these
made!" Apparently they're some kind of female
self-empowerment thing, and not an ideal gift
for the creepy serial killer in your life.
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php
>> Black and white WTF <<
Funny photos from yesteryear to prove that lols
didn't start in 2005. BTW: The stained mattress
one kinda worries us. Did someone die?
http://blackandwtf.tumblr.com/
>> The 'Electronic Waste' in Guinya <<
You know that crap old router you stuck in the
recycle bin - have you ever thought about what
happens next? Maybe we won't be buying anymore
crap from Amazon for a few weeks then.
http://acidcow.com/pics/4987-e-waste-in-guinya-15-...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Poor picture quality? Adjust your tracking
>> Nick Knowles sings... <<
TV presenter Nick Knowles (no relation to
Beyonce) is best known for looking a bit rugged
and presenting home renovation series DIY SOS.
He's now turned his talents to singing. He's
shit at it - gruesomely emoting in a grizzly
bear being anally raped kinda way - and that's
why we're bothering to link to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Amazing Discovery II <<
Remember the chubby nerd guy blowing bubbles
the other week? He's back and this time he's
got a new trick - making till receipts drop
down like party streamers. Wonder if he'll
manage a third?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Old McDonald had a farm <<
An Arabic-style version of the children's song
about a farmer and all the various animals he
keeps on his farm. Made us smile at least.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> YouTube impressions <<
Lady impersonates various youtube hits
including the coke/mentos people and that crap
pop group on treadmills. Funny and actually
we're rather relieved she doesn't attempt a
goaste.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/YouTube_Hits_by_Judit_Ju...
>> Glade airfreshener lols <<
Those of you who bother to watch TV might have
caught the recent "I'm going to do a poo at
Paul's house" advert you can't help but read the
subtext like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> NSFW pterodactyl porn corner <<
Francis Roberts writes, "I don't know if porn
is fair game for the boards, but this is so
much more comedy than porn that I felt I had to
email it to you all the same. My friend sent me
this the other day and I have been laughing at
the image burned into my head ever since."
http://lolpornonline.com/post/26261101/pterodactyl...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
It's the naughty step of shit gags
* PHALLIC LOGO - cunning Italian sofa
manufacturers trying to make their home
furnishing range attractive to penis
enthusiasts. (indresr)
http://www.famega.lt
* THE SUNDAY TELELAUGH - benc_ writes, "On the
face of it - a typical, boring news story. Read
it more carefully and take joy that they
interviewed someone from MG Rover called
Maurice Minor."
http://snurl.com/carlols
* SHEMALE LEGO? - grizzly_bungle writes, "I was
(quite innocently I might add) trawling through
the internet and came across this useful site
for all your cross-dressing tradesman needs."
http://www.trannybuilder.com
* EVERYBODY'S DRIVING THOSE....
http://www.Kinki-Truck.co.jp
* BREAST LOGOS - "The design is making Staffs
Uni look like complete tits." (carly291287)
http://www.staffs.ac.uk/
* AND FINALLY, AN ACTUAL FUNNY NAME - Punkygirl
writes, "I've had to endure the reproachful
glare of my boss all morning whilst childishly
snickering behind my hand about this, in an
otherwise completely silent office. Thought I'd
share."
http://www.gold.ac.uk/computing/staff/i-pu/
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: CORPRORATE HATE NAMES
Last week of this, we're a bit bored of it
Vodamoan - Vodafone
Cable and Useless - Cable and Wireless
Pizza Slut - Pizza Hut
Painsbury's - Sainsbury's
Cockstretcher - Poundstretcher
The Carphone Whorehouse - "I heard this one
from someone who worked at The Link"
Thanks to therealwtf, pnash69 & paul@beard.
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: ASK B3TA
Nice vagina synonyms
Last week we asked for 'nice words for vagina'
and you replied in your droves.
* CHUCK NORRIS - "Having witnessing child birth
and all of the horror of seeing the stretching,
pain, cut and stitching of my lady's Foof (my
pet name) I am now only ever going to refer to
her front bottom as 'Chuck Norris' for being so
bloomin' tough." (sauronwibble)
* DEREK - "My sister calls hers Derek. And I
once heard a friend refer to hers as her
'Cavernous Fufu'." (pnash69)
* LADY GARDEN - "My wife calls her twat her
"ladygarden". It is of course trimmed every
few weeks - more in the summer." (rosswelford)
WE'RE NOW ASKING ABOUT PIG MILK - Lizard
writes, "I drinks cows' milk in my tea, I often
have goaty or sheepy cheese, but where is pig
milk in our nation's diet? I'd have thought
porky milk would go down a treat with all the
bacon lovers out there."
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Corporate Logo Challenge
Last week we wanted you to redesign corporate
logos so that they told the truth, canvas
prints from CanvasRus are going to the highest
voted entries, all except DrBroon who writes,
"I don't think I really want a 36" vagina
vector on canvas."
Your favourites included:
* PORSCHE - it's funny because it's true:
replace the dancing horse with a tiny phallus,
and Bob's your uncle (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9758175
* ROYAL MAIL - if honesty is truly the best
policy, the postal service should adopt this
right away (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9757209
* SYMANTEC - everyone's favourite provider of
computer bloat gets a makeover (collapsibletank)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9758469
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/corporatelogos/
>> New challenge: The Royal Mail <<
As the postal strikes bring the country
to its knees, it's obvious we need new
ways to deliver the mail. Show us what
they are. The nation will thank you.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/royalmail/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GUESSEZ LE MUFF - ptwjvpguqhd writes, "I
discovered this. In short, it's a French version
of Guess Her Muff. Highly highly NSFW."
http://devine.erog.fr/
* SNIFFER DOGS APP - PC 9854 Johnson of the
Met Police Dog Section writes, "Rather than
going to the bother of writing a new iPhone app
just furnish us with your whereabouts when
you'd least like a sniffer (search) dog to find
you and we'll avoid you."
* LEGO AUTO-SUGGESTOR - last week Poobar asked
for this and pjfoliver replies, "What Poobar is
looking for is PEERON.com. They have full
inventories of every Lego set in existence, and
instruction booklet scans of everything up to 3
years ago. He can list the sets he's purchased,
as well as any loose parts he has, then pick a
set number and choose 'Build from My Parts.' It
will compare inventories and say which parts he
has exactly, which he has in a different color,
and which ones he needs."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Evacuation
A fun little puzzle game based on the science
fiction staple: suck the alien out of the
airlock while keeping your guys inside.
Basically, Alien the 8-bit puzzle game.
http://www.foddy.net/Evacuation.html
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: "STAR" IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TROPESTUBE - a sister website to TV Tropes
with fan edits of all the stuff discussed.
* WEEING WHILST JUMPING ON A TRAMPOLINE - might
make a funny video in a windmill piss kind of
way. (We're stuck for ideas, we're looking out
the window, there's a trampoline and we need a
piss.)
* INTERVIEW WITH A MILKMAN - still got a
milkman in your area? Leave him notes and a
biro - see if you can get him to answer
questions.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by neilnimmo,
funky2009, @ToastMaster, mubarak.adam,
B3taByter, Colan, @DanCall, via Darklord.
Friday game via nellylemon. Top Tippery by
Vipros. Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Sickipedialols via furiousg. Subjlols via
monkeon, BTW: gphunky asks, "In the newsletter,
can you make the subjlols credit link to the
subject line suggestions thread? I'm too lazy
to look for it myself but I've seen previous
ones on occasion and they're always full of
topical laughs. Cheers." Ok, just this once,
use our tits as your lunch.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9771881
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TOP TIP:
Tip for breast men: when shopping in the
supermarket, miss out the first aisle so as to
be going against the flow. Arse men should
follow the usual route.
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If I ever get a chance to appear on daytime tv,
I'm going to say: Cunt, cunt, fuuuuck, shit!!
Cock, fuck, cuuuunt!! Shiiitt, fuck, shiiitt,
fuck!! Cuuunt, shit, fuuuuck!!!! That way, when
they beep it out, it'll spell 'fuck' in morse
code.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
