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This Week:
* FACT - Ad creatives are twats
* MICROSOFT - Everybody loves Redmond
* CHALLENGE - If Corporate Logos Told The Truth

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're living with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     our mums... together"

B3ta email 401 - 23 Oct 2009

This is not the newsletter you are looking for:

       Sausages:  [email protected]
   Unsausages:  [email protected]

  Image Challenge winners get canvas prints

  Oooh, should be fun this week, we're doing an
  "If Corporate Logos Told The Truth" image
  challenge and the best three will get 36"
  canvases of their work courtesy of canvasRus.
  We did have a fantasy of getting them to print
  the top 50 entries and hiring an art gallery as
  a bit of a stunt but budgets etc. Still, if
  you're looking to get some arty stuff printed

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Torrents, Fame and Twats and more

  >> Slap BNP leader Nick Griffin <<
  "Made this last night while watching him try
  and cover up his racist ways on Question Time."
  writes Jimmythepenguin, "Found this video of
  him telling ex members of the KKK how to
  pretend to be respectable until you get into
  power, then added some slapping action. Have a
  go, pass it on, tell me how you could've done
  it better, etc etc. Oh yeah, if it goes to a
  holding page, it's just the dns servers
  catching up - only put it live last night. Give
  it a few hours and try again, it's not like
  there's anything better to do."

  >> Hosting Your Windows 7 Torrenting Party <<
  Windows 7 Launch Party spoof. "Why not
  celebrate the launch of Windows 7 by illegally
  downloading it for free?" asks tedriley. BTW:
  Some theorise that MS made their original
  campaign deliberately bad, to win clicks from
  viral lols like this. They are wrong.

  >> Everybody Loves Raymond. Except Raymond <<
  "You claimed that fame makes people miserable,"
  explains S Hogarty. "I present my own findings.
  The increasingly sullen face of Ray Romano."
  Indeed, by season 7 he really looks like he
  wants to kill himself. Then you.

  >> Ad creatives are twats <<
  "Booking an audio session - what could go
  wrong?" asks Neil Parkinson. "My vid about ad
  creatives seems to have caused a little bit of
  a stir in my industry... Neil Parkinson is not
  my real name, as I work in post audio and would
  like to continue doing so."

  >> Petty and difficult revenge on Microsoft <<
  "Yesterday, I donated £70.93 to Linux Mint (a
  free alternative to Microsoft's Windows
  operating system)", writes graemecobbett, "But
  I didn’t fund this myself: Microsoft gave me
  the money. Here's how I did it."


  I don't get the attraction

  Last week we asked for thing you just didn't
  get about life. We can safely say that the only
  thing you lot actually like is to rant about
  the things you don't:

  * PORN - "I don't find the people in most porn
  attractive in the least. I don't like how they
  act, the over-the-top, utterly fake moaning and
  noises. I don't like the bizarre sexual
  positions. I don't like the baffling behaviour
  that seems so common, like some guy
  interrupting a blowjob to smack the girl in the
  face with his cock. I don't find any of it the
  least bit interesting or stimulating or sexy.
  But my cock does. I sit there, uninterested,
  bored, often revolted. With a hard-on." (bergec)
  * SHOES - "I'm sorry, I just don't get the
  whole Manolo Blahnik Jimmy Choo thing. I know
  Sarah Jessica Parker likes them but she looks
  like a foot anyway so her choice of attire is
  naturally limited. They're all pointy and sharp
  and noisy and fall-overy and none of them fit
  properly and they're really uncomfortable and
  crippling and every girl who straps herself
  into 8-inch heeled diamante mantraps seems to
  think that doing so makes falling out of taxis
  and tottering about cackling look like the
  height of sophistication when really they look
  about as elegant as Stephen Hawking on a
  waltzer. I'm not a lesbian, I just like flat
  heels. And cock." (happylittletulip)
  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your fetishes. Quick, get in there
  before SpankyHanky explodes:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> A letter to Charles Manson <<
  A creepy idea this - pose as a child, write a
  letter to a serial killer and ask for advice.
  Please can some B3tans do a UK version? Ian
  Brady, Rose West and Peter Sutcliffe are
  waiting for your missives. 

  >> Jim Corr: a mental? <<
  "Couldn't help notice in your interview with
  Eoin Colfer a reference to The Corrs," writes
  Davidcochrane, "Have you followed Jim Corr
  recently? 9/11 truther, and quickly becoming
  Ireland's answer to David Icke, I shit you not.
  He may not think the illuminati are lizards,
  but who the heck can tell what he'll come up
  with next? Surely a lesson on the effects of
  being a guy Corr."

  >> A postman writes about the upcoming strike <<
  Last week we cracked the crap gag "I think I'm
  about to go postal. That is, refuse to work,
  demand more pay and get some grubby Arsenal
  tattoos on my lower legs", which was mostly
  about our own irritation about not getting some
  books turn up in time - but, if you want to
  hear about this from the other side, you could
  do worse than read this:

  >> The Ad Generator <<
  Generates random, meaning-free headlines and
  links them to Flickr images. The result is
  mesmerising and strangely reminiscent of
  working with b-list agencies. BEEP BEEP. Robot
  Don Draper is fucking your wife. Beep.

  >> Dead fly art <<
  Speaking of serial killers - often they start
  with cruelty to animals. So if any dead
  prostitutes start turning up in Sweden we reckon
  the local cops should start with these guys:


  Look! An owl in a box!

  Cute yet malevolent, check out the little guy's
  baleful yellow eyes glaring out between the
  flaps. Don't this at home.


  This is our VCR, tell us yours

  >> Life in the Google Streetview car <<
  Genius idea for a gag here - making the simple
  but brilliant logical leap from 'it might be a
  bit dull driving around all day' to 'gosh
  imagine if you were stuck in a car for years on
  end with someone really annoying'. And then
  secondly doing all the visuals from real Google
  Streetview GFX. This is so full of win that it
  makes our pee pees hard.

  >> Liam Maher - mini obit <<
  We're saddened by the recent death of Flowered
  Up vocalist Liam Mayer - whose track Weekender
  still hold a special place in our memories for
  reasons that are frankly too dark to go into
  for the b3ta newsletter. If you don't know the
  track Weekender then turn it up loud - if you
  do then here's something a bit odder: "Dark
  Side of the Spoon." Liam singing about finding
  using spoons a bit much as they remind him of
  heroin. If you believe there's art in telling
  your truth simply then there's a shitload of
  art here. 

  >> Rod Hull & Emu fix the aerial <<
  Continuing the darkness is this eerily
  prophetic mid-70s clip of Rod Hull & Emu
  fixing the aerial. To those who don't remember
  quite how Rod Hull died we suggest looking it
  up on Wikipedia.

  >> Pixar intro sequence- full version <<
  Oooh - another little tutorial in writing gags
  here courtesy of collegehumor - take an implied
  moment of anthropomorphisation to its literal
  conclusion. Genius on toast.

  >> Nick Griffin - your racist friend <<
  The UK has being going batshit mental over the
  BNP leader's appearance on Question Time and
  we've been overrun with anti-BNP links. So we
  thought we'd pick just one. That goes to Ben
  Goldacre, who has found that Nick and his team
  have been writing music. "Clearly you have to
  find some of these racist songs and put them in
  b3ta," writes Ben. Well, ok then. Here's the
  BNP's robust response to Lily Allen, as sung by
  an BNP member who looks like he's enjoying
  wearing a dress a little too much.

  >> 30 years of hip hop <<
  People pretending to be posh - always comedy
  gold. Especially when they're attempting a
  history of hip hop on the banjo. Actually, that
  reminds us of a shit gag we tried to write the
  other day, "I said a clip clip clop to the
  clippity clop" Ah, I do love The Shergar Hill


  Oh the hilarity

  * GAY WOOD TRADERS - "I accidentally 'came
  across' this website, as they are a sponsor of
  a football team local to my area," confides
  Daniel Parker. Lols!

  * CUNTZ GUITARS - "I know they're German,"
  chuckles Marc. "But that's no excuse."

  * PASSWORD RESET - "Two hours and countless
  Bloody Marys into a Frankfurt-New York flight I
  signed up for the airline's wireless internet
  service," explains abandc. "As part of the
  subscription process one had to enter a
  memorable question and answer. Pissed as a fart
  I just entered the first thing that came into
  my head! After meal service I was really
  rocking and rolling and had completely
  forgotten my password. Luckily they provided an
  online support service..."


  We have an answer!

  Ben writes - "Gents, I was looking for that
  feature from a while back where a bloke had
  pictures of birds, then you clicked on them and
  it showed you their fanny. You had to guess
  what it was going to be like I think.  I can't
  find it."

  DrTugnut2 replies, "Hello Ben, The thing you
  are talking about is Guess Her Muff which is
  totally about what it says on the box. So you
  know - myself and friends have started a
  Fantasy Flange League where we have a table
  based on accuracy of guesses on this site. The
  winner gets the Fa(nny) Cup. All seems rather
  childish now I talk about it."

  BTW: 37 of you also wrote in with similar
  messages. Well done b3tans.

  * PISS QUERY - "After a heavy night of
  drinking, the 1st piss of the day seems to go
  on forever. What's the longest time someone
  can actually piss for? Please can you ask
  fellow B3tans to satisfy my own curiosity." 
  (Captain Pilchard)

  * NICE WORDS FOR VAGINA - "One of the great
  problems of our age is the fact that there is
  no satisfactory word for ladybits. Every word
  we have is either too crude (cunt, twat), too
  silly (pussy, beaver) or too clinical (VAGINA)
  to be considered adequate. Will we ever come up
  with a word that truly captures the glory of a
  girl's fanny? If anyone can end this injustice
  it's probably the good people at b3ta."

  FYI: Our new word we've coined for small,
  perfectly formed vaginas that you might find on
  a young lady is "vagette."



  Last week we wrote, "thinking about the names
  people use for institutions to signal their
  personal antipathy to their valuees. eg.
  Micro$oft, The Torygraph, The Daily Fail and
  The Scum. Do you know any others?"

  Rubbish outsourcing company Capita -  Crapita 
  The Aktins diet - The Shatkins diet 
  The West Australian newspaper - The Worst Australian 
  The Commodore 64 - The Commode 64
  Silverlink Trains - Silverstink
  Hammersmith and Shitty - you can probably work that out
  Amerikkka - ooh, racist old America
  Win-doze Vista - although we prefer Microsoft Blob
  British Telecom - Tittish Brollycom
  London Lite - London Shite
  Ticketmaster - Ticketbastard
  Citibank - Shittybank
  McDonalds - Muckdonalds
  Thanks to histle, aadhaar, Coldcoffee,
  latent.twist, combatcameraman, Humpty, emkrim,
  cpdexterhuxley, cheeseboy00 and loismustdie for
  that. Woo.


  Results from the Censorship Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to censor innocent
  things to make them look rude.

  Your favourites included:
  * NAKED - in which the Windsors meet the
  Obamas, and the new president gets more than he
  bargained for (OneForTheRoad)

  * COCK - it's Euro 96 revisited and a golden
  shower for Gazza (Barbarossa)

  * MOIR - popular Daily Mail columnist in job
  title tomfoolery shocker (Elvis of Nazareth)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here, along with many fine
  entries for the unofficial space-hopper

  >> New challenge: Corporate Logo Truth <<
  Companies spend millions designing logos that
  represent their corporate identity. We'd like
  you to redesign them so they tell the truth.
  Ooh, and as a special bonus, the top three
  voted images will receive 36" canvas prints
  from canvasRus.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

 * BREATH TESTING KIT - In order to tell if you
 have bad breath or just a bad-tasting mouth,
 "Lick the back of your hand and wait for it to
 dry. If the back of your hand smells fine then
 you are alright in the breath smell dept,"
 explains alecmilne.
  * NEWSLETTER 400 INTERVIEW - Ginger griffin Rob
  Manuel decrees, "I was interviewed by the
  wonderful Jemimah Knight for the BBC about B3ta
  newsletter 400 - listen here if you're brave:"

  * BREATH TESTING II - To scientifically test
  for halitosis, dialagranny informs us that "the
  Japanese brought out a device a couple of years
  ago. See here:"

  * B3TA WITNESS PROTECTION - J writes: "I'm
  applying for a government job and because I'm a
  fool and submitted under my real name, the
  first hit on google is 'investing in sperm
  banks three times a day' - as I also have quite
  a rare name it's rather unfortunate, could you
  take it out?" Our pleasure. Although we retain
  a copy for future blackmail when you're Prime



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * LEGO AUTO-SUGGESTOR - "I've bought a few
  job-lots of Lego Technic from eBay for science
  outreach purposes," confesses Poobar. "Is there
  a b3tard out there who will make a site that
  takes the number of pieces of each brick you
  have, and suggest things to build from the
  instructions already available online?"

  * BOIL IN THE CONDOM - Yes, boil in the bag
  meals made from prophylactic sheaths. "Make it
  a challenge for the masses!" decrees The
  Archduke of South London. "Something a bit more
  gourmet than an egg. A three course feast
  perhaps." Extra points for making a tandoori in
  a curry-flavoured johnny.
  * SNIFFER DOG APP - "I am fed up of chucking
  away perfect good narcotics," moans
  landofrisingsun. "I'd like someone to invent an
  iPhone app or website that updates you on which
  bloody tube or train station there are police
  sniffer dogs at. I got nabbed at a fucking
  MUSIC FESTIVAL! It's like we are turning into a
  George Orwell novel."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by m644thomas,
  masakatsu, Bootsthealchemist, Pew Pew Pew!
  Lasers!, Christian Heilmann, ERG1008,
  Lord_Munkee, andybarratt & Diamondflamer.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Sickipedia CTRL C via andyf23. Subjlol via

  I think I know when you're getting old. I was
  watching porn last week and found myself
  thinking, "That bed looks comfy."

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