NEWSLETTER: "I'VE FINISHED ALL THE CHOCOLATES IN MY ADVENT CALENDAR; WHY THE FUCK ISN'T IT CHRISTMAS?"
This Week:
* WORLDFACE - Like Facebook but with countries
* KUNT - He's back with 'wank fantasy'
* CHERYL COLE - Our new twitter friend
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | rainforests...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| for match wood."
B3ta email 407 - 4 Dec 2009
Read this with The Mission's Wayne Hussey:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue407/
Friend: [email protected]
Unfriend: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Frankie Boyle - My Shit Life So Far
Probably the best-named autobiography ever.
Buy it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/000732449...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Disaster, Politics, Wanking and Sex
>> Worldface <<
"There have been social networking satires
before," brags Mike Fishcake. "But this one
isn't shit!" Phil Fishcake has made a comedy
Facebook for countries. Even better, it's
interactive and you can suggest your own
statuses but "shit ones will be kicked in the
face," warns a stern Mike.
http://www.worldface.co.uk/
>> Wank fantasy <<
"There's a new vid just this second gone up on
youTube for our song 'wank fantasy'," explains
Kunt. "It features a real page 3 glamour lady
in it and everything." Not safe for work. BTW:
Kunt has asked us not to mention the awesome
secret gig he is doing this weekend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Hollywood vs New York <<
Fire, floods and gigantic space-lizards - not
David Icke's brain, but Goodiebag Kirby with a
musical montage of Hollywood's long love affair
with New York. Exciting stuff!
http://www.goodiebag.tv/2009/11/hollywood-vs-new-y...
>> I Make the Girls <<
"I was recently approached by a rapper wanting
a video for his new 'sensual' track," explains
Jamwire. "I responded with this
delicately-constructed pastiche charting the
virile young wordsmith's love encounters. The
jury's still out." There's something that just
sings out to us about this level of contempt
for the client! NSFW due to cut-out sexual
antics.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mr_Drastick_I_Make_the_G...
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: SICKIPEDIA COMEDY NIGHT 2.0
The night that should NEVER happen is back…
This Wednesday is the second Sickipedia Comedy
Night, at the Old Blue Last in sunny
Shoreditch. Stuff will be kicking off about
8pm. and if it's anything like the last one,
it'll be packed out with excited people and Rob
will be sweating bullets in case one of the
comics up there gets us all beaten up and
thrown out. Awesome.
The line-up features returning favourites
tricyclic_looper and mushybees along with Joel
Veitch, Jewish Nazi, David Stevenson and new
faces Dan Pearce, Boyce Bailey, Michael J, Nick
James, Richard Tingley, Robert Auton, Jay Rolfe
and Jeremy Gomez. We literally have no clue
what almost any of these people will do, which
is how we like it.
http://snurl.com/sickipedia20
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Cliff Richard posters! Yays! <<
1. Choose a 'celebrity' - we like Cliff.
2. Write abusive message which transposes
itself in style of celebrity's handwriting.
3. Right-click and save
4. Send picture of Cliff Richard calling them a
fat knacker to friend.
5. Joy.
BTW: This censors works like homo and gay, but
not twat.
http://www.universalposter.com/
>> The joy of work <<
A blog about the fun of having a completely
insane boss. Good if you're in any mood to do
long read-y things.
http://goodaftermornings.blogspot.com/
>> Temporary ski-jumps <<
Back in olden times there was a craze for
building temporary ski-jumps in sporting
stadiums. They look pretty mental and should be
revived.
http://snurl.com/fuckinghell
>> Best Woolly Hat Ever <<
Does she look like a pokemon or a rapist? Or
both?
http://snurl.com/rapeywoo
>> Cheryl Kerl on twitter <<
Amusing spoof alert. Sample entry: "Joa's
soundin mint t'dee. Danii and Seimon's lookin
leik thor beuth stuffed an a coase Louis cannat
give a murnkey's chuff."
http://twitter.com/CherylKerl
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like gifs with sound
>> Hamster jazz <<
Cute viral for some bottled water company -
loving it for the simple, bold execution of the
idea. Just get some hamsters and some tiny
instruments, stick some jam on them and - with
a bit of editing - you have a hamster band.
Brilliant idea. Still, we bet the water smells
like a hamster's cage. HA! Take that marketing
people.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/D_Fluffeh
>> Henry 8.0 <<
Loving this sketch from the BBC / TV production
company Monkey. We've been quoting it literally
all week. "It's like crunchy air!" and "I want
a roast!" Proof that Brian Blessed will improve
any script by a factor of 100x.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/extra/video/p005bqp0
>> OK Go making of WTF video <<
Internet video-hit band OK Go explain how they
went about making their latest psychedelic
production. Switches rapidly between a green
room with some planks and full-on
insane-o-vision (tm). Impatient viewers may
want to skip the first minute or so.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Sex Offender Shuffle <<
A loveable posse of sex offenders dance and rap
about how nice they really are.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sex_Offender_Shuffle
>> Font-based Lady Gaga parody <<
Exceptionally geeky homage to the Neutra
typeface inspired, obviously, by Lady Gaga's
Pokerface. Hot, hot nerd action.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> I gotta feeling <<
Bloke wakes up covered in sick and tries to
piece together what happened at the party last
night, all via the medium of song.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_gotta_feeling
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: THANKS FOR SHARING
Blind reader confesses his porn habits
Anon writes -
"Hey, I figured I'd give you the lowdown on
what us blind folk have in the way of porn.
"Some of us like erotica like some (weird)
sighted people; this is purely text based and
can be found at sites like http://www.asstr.org
The main advantage to this is that you can read
it at a stupidly fast speed with your screen
off / not connected and no one will be able to
tell what you're doing; people have been known to
read it in classes. The obvious disadvantage is
that the voice that is depicting all this stuff
to you is usually a very robotic-sounding male;
I never understand how people can get off to this.
"What most people seem to like is audio
descriptions of sex scenes. There used to be a
site for this that tried to sell blind people
recordings of very unhot-sounding girls talking
about how they like to play with themselves but
thankfully it's no longer with us. An example of
something vaguely like it is the stuff that
pornfortheblind.org creates, for example this 2
girls 1 cup description at
http://www.youtube.com/watch
(Give it a bit of time to get going)
"Again, the problem with this is that it's even
more human-sounding males reading it, so you
might as well be wanking over 2 guys shitting
in a cup and eating it. The defunked
soundsdirty.com wasn't that much better because
all the girls had terrible voices; voice is
very important to me along with most blind
people.
"What I like to do, which not that many blind
people do for some reason, is to torrent a
normal porn film and then strip the video out
of it to save disk space. This way I get much
hotter-sounding girls, more realistic and
longer scenes plus the files are pretty small
since they're mp3s - although it's pretty crucial
that the actors are only girls.
"So there you go, perhaps the next time you
feel the urge you can try some of the ^ or at
the very least try cleaning up with your eyes
closed."
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Desktop Icon Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make art from your
desktop.
Your favourites included:
* PUNK - The Clash's classic Rock The Casbah
gets the Windows treatment (collapsibletank)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9811275
* 9/11 - Desktop terrorism as a carefully-aimed
gif brings chaos to New York City (Seaman
Gabber)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9810650
* STEGOSAURUS - jurassic-tastic rendering of
multi-coloured folder dinosaur (Mu)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9810285
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/desktop-art/
>> New challenge: Jesus On Tour <<
According to The News, Jesus may have visited
Britain. What did he come to see? Show us what
he got up to on our dingy island, or what he
might be doing now if he were to suddenly turn
up again. Challenge suggested by The Great
Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jesusUK/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* HIP-HOP ALBUM IN AN AFTERNOON - "Myself and
two friends got ruined in a village in Camborne
and recorded a Hip Hop LP in an afternoon,"
confesses Sadeagle. "It was all made up on the
spot and was recorded in a day." This is very
odd - the sound of three lads slowly getting
catastrophically stoned in Cornwall.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_will_probably_regret_t...
* "DEAR HOME SECRETARY" - Swiftly becoming a
hip-hop Henry Root, here's Dan Bull with
another musical missive. This time he's ragging
on Alan Johnson, who is refusing to intervene
in the case of autistic hacker Gary McKinnon.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lo_Been_writing_more_let...
* AMAZON SPUNK - A while back we linked to a
book called 'Overcoming Obstacles with Spunk'.
Dave W writes to say, "It looks like several
b3tans have been busy 'helping' Amazon by
contributing suggestions for 'Tags Customers
Associate with This Product'. At this moment in
time the most popular tags are 'Monkey Custard'
and 'Population Paste', although 'Man Fat' and
'Bukkake' also make an appearance."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/098162102...
* HEROIN CHICKS - "I am totally creeped out by
the heroin chicks," writes Peter McKillon.
"Some wanker goes up to a half-presentable bird
with a heroin problem, and says, 'Here's some
smack, love. Now get your kit off and shoot up
for Mr Camera here.' Then he goes home, locks
himself in his room, loads up Photoshop, and
draws neat little black squares over their
crotches. WTF?? What twisted sense of
propriety is that?
"Here's the other thing that gets me. I looked
at all of them. Twice."
ROB SAYS: "Thanks for reminding me - I'll have
to look again now."
* MORE LIFT BUTTONS - "Your bit in the last
newsletter about whether pushing buttons would
speed up lifts reminded me of a story which
might be of interest," confides costas.
"I read about a company whose office lifts were
always attracting complaints. Workers kept
moaning to the Maintenance department that the
lifts were too slow, always took ages to
arrive, and could anything be done to speed
them up?
"Then one day the same department started
getting calls from people thanking them for
speeding the lifts up. People were delighted
that they now didn't have to wait as long for
the lifts to arrive. This baffled the
maintenance people, who'd done nothing. So they
went to investigate.
"They went to the lifts on the ground floor and
soon realised what had happened. That day,
they'd been installing some huge mirrors in the
toilets, and had left a couple propped up
against the wall by the lifts. People wanting a
lift would push the button, notice the mirrors,
then get so distracted as they preened
themselves that before they knew it, the lift
had arrived.
"All sorts of psychological experiments back
this up - People seem to lose track of time
when gazing at their beautiful phizzogs."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GLITTER SHITTER - DrPoppers writes, "I've
been thinking about Dr Gillian McKeith or as
she should technically be called, Gillian
McKeith. I want a b3tan to eat several sheets
of cake-decorating gold leaf and photograph
their own sparkly turds. It'd be great."
* KY ALTERNATIVES? - Jeff Balls writes, "We at
work were wondering what alternatives to
standard KY jelly b3ta people have used as lube
whilst having a quick Hilary Swank. Would WD 40
work?"
* CAFES TO ALWAYS SELL CHIPS - we just went to
a crap cafe for a hangover cure and they didn't
sell chips. There should be laws against this.
Cafes = chips.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Links via by Lamsicle, tacpprm, Neil
Stevenson, W00tmedia, The_Fiend, pissflaps,
@goodiebag, planearm. Subjlols via F0RDI3.
Sickipedia gag via the legendary
tricyclic_looper. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke.
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Remember – drinking alcohol can seriously harm
your baby. Especially if you’re in Portugal and
can't be arsed to pay for a babysitter.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
