NEWSLETTER: "STATUS QUO RE-RELEASE ROCKING ALL OVER THE WORLD FOR THE HAITI EARTHQUAKE APPEAL"
This Week:
* MUSIC - Clunk-Click remix
* BIRDS - Rocking out
* VID - Dirty French graffiti
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're validating your
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | poor life choices with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| tiny scraps of attention"
B3ta email 412 - 22 Jan 2010
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue412/
Lovers: [email protected]
Haters: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Rathergood MP3 album - Spongs in the Key of Life
"Hi dudes," beams Joel Veitch. "The new album
of rathergood stuff is up on Amazon now.
Thought I'd mention it in case you feel like
plugging it, no worries if not!" Oh go on then
Veitch. Just this once, use our arsehole as a
cunt.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0032UO0Q...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Clunk, Clean, Calc and Egg
>> 'Clunk Click' Remix.. <<
Jimmy Savile = win. Jimmy Savile plus old 70s
public information films, bursting with footage
of British Leyland cars, one of which is driven
by a woman who looks like Ken Dodd = double
win. Add JamHamster's kicking hardcore track
and you've got a monster hit on your hands.
http://snurl.com/clunkclickhardcore
>> Dirty Old Man
No actual filth from this cheeky old buffer,
father of b3tan Big Face. No smut as such; he's
far too cunning, preferring to make lols with
innuendo and misdirection.
http://snurl.com/cleansong
>> Mad calculator <<
"My calculator is solar-powered and has been
left switched on since the 1980s," explains
mutated monty. "During that time it has somehow
developed its own form of consciousness - every
morning it has weird random numbers on its
screen and stored in its memory. So I've set up
what is probably the most pointless Twitter
account of all time to document its daily
ramblings. Those numbers might actually mean
something to somebody."
https://twitter.com/madcalculator
>> Scotch Egg <<
If you're not familiar with the so-called
Scottish Egg, Jonti is here to enlighten you
through the power of music. Mmmmmmmmmm. Egg.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Scotch+Egg/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Anonymous
Last week we asked for things you've done under
the cloak of anonymity. Frankly, some of your
answers scared the crap out of us:
http://b3ta.com/questions/anon/
* AWW, FLOWERS - "When we go to the cemetery
where Mrs SLVA's parents are buried, I see lots
of children’s graves, especially of pre
school-age kids. I'll pick one at random, clear
away any dead flowers, get fresh water and
leave a couple of fresh ones, seeing as we
always take far too big a bunch ourselves. I
got caught once: just as I was putting a couple
of flowers in the little pot thing the parents
arrived, "What are you doing?" the mother
asked. So I told her. She looked at me for a
couple of seconds and then threw her arms
around me. "Thank you," she said and I felt a
tear against my cheek." (sandettie light vessel
automatic)
* DAEWOO-WOO-WOO - "There used to be a tiny
little Daewoo parked in my street most
evenings. It wasn't owned by anyone who lived
there. I could tell this because the alarm used
to go off for hours at a time and no one would
come out to turn it off. We left a note.
Nothing happened. A week later, it was still
going off every night and really getting on my
nerves. My housemates and I were bemoaning our
predicament in the pub to some friends when
they agreed something had to be done. That
night about fifteen of us lifted the car up and
carried it to the traffic island at the end of
the street, leaving it "parked" on the grass in
the middle, nose poking out from the scrub,
along with a note saying, "I am hiding, because
lots of people are angry with me :-(" ...We never
saw it again." (SnowyTheRabbit)
* MURDER - "I live in a small town. One morning
I got to work to find that a terrible murder
had occurred. The details of each story I heard
were different but the whole town was buzzing
with the news. Phone calls and texts were
exchanged, gossip was rife; this was exciting
stuff. But I knew the truth. The previous night
it'd been blowing a hooly and a pub in town had
started losing slates off the roof at an
incredible rate. The police turned up and
cordoned off the pavement with tape in case
anyone copped a slate on the bonce. People
going to work in the morning had seen the tape.
They'd recognised the pub as not being one of
the nicest places to frequent. And then? Then
they'd seen the chalk outlines of a man, a dog
and a knife lying within the bounds of the
police tape. In their tiny minds a man and his
dog were stabbed to death. A classic whodunnit.
Amazing the amount of fun one can have with a
piece of chalk." (oneinthepink)
Finally, a textbook example of how not to be
anonymous on the internet (props to Totach for
eventually seeing the funny side):
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/anon/post615785
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your moments of real-life slapstick.
When you're done tripping over that rake, talk
to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/slapstick/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Comic book superheroes in a Picasso styleee <<
Superman looks like a cyclops and Spiderman has
a thalidomide quality to him. They'd make great
stamps - much cooler than bloody Screamadelica,
you old postie cunts.
http://snurl.com/meltyspidey
>> Hot chicks plunging their toilets <<
A huge trend at the moment is one-hit blogs -
collections of photos in a bizarre theme that
generates a WTF reaction in the viewer, forcing
them to click and pass it on. E.g. cats in
sinks etc. Usually, if you can find one photo
then a quick search will dredge up more. This
bunch of entrepreneurial numpties are trying to
sew up the hot chicks market with a series
including '...smiling at Ground Zero"
"...picking up dogshit" and others. We reckon
the plan is making link bait for sites like us
and then flogging the sites to SEO companies
once they've got a bit of traction.
http://hotchicksplungingtheirtoilets.com/
>> Local news for local people <<
Our local paper, The Camden New Journal mixes
pictures of Michael Foot with lurid tales of
crack-infested estates and dead prostitutes.
This site salutes all that is great about
Britain's local newspapers.
http://thenetherregions.co.uk/
>> Sex print<<
To the innocent viewer, the mark on this car
looks like a panda's face. Look again and cover
your eyes at the shame of it all.
http://snurl.com/wifesnightout
>> Charting the Beatles <<
The whole web is spunking over infographics -
turning dull data into bright spanking charts
and diagrams. This makes the complete work of
The Beatles look like something out of a GCSE
maths textbook.
http://www.mikemake.com/#72772/Charting-the-Beatles
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Watch while the telly's rebooting
>> The birdy song<<
Everyone knows chimps can make art, but who
knew that birds could play guitar. Tiny cute
birds with colourful beaks, they look like
miniature parrots. They're actually finches
and they RAWK.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Go_on_birdies
>> How to enjoy a 3D movie <<
Looking uncannily like Charlie Brooker's
special uncle, BBC Film boffin Mark Kermode
rips into the current fad for all things 3D.
Give him Wossy's job on Film 97, he's clearly
auditioning for it here.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_enjoy_a_3D_movie
>> GINGERS DO HAVE SOULS!! <<
South Park recently strayed into the territory
of pure evil when they put out an episode
saying gingers don't have souls. This one
doesn't have a brain. But Jesus loves him all
the same.
http://bit.ly/6waTPx
>> French letter <<
A few years ago we stopped off at a motorway
service station on the M4 and were utterly
transfixed by the lewd gay graffiti in the
gents' toilets. One memorable piece gave
detailed masturbation tips for the under 12s.
Obviously the graffiti in French toilets is
purely heterosexual, if this is anything to go
by.
http://snurl.com/u5k72
>> Big tits = big hits <<
This young lady has 600,000 views for her
pedestrian guide to Asian emoticons. Her
trick? Enormous jugs pushed up to her chin,
butt-grazing shorts and kitten ears. We don't
think girls would like her very much.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Boy jumps on moving bus <<
Hero or twat, depending on which demographic you
inhabit. We reckon both.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boy_jumps_on_moving_bus
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Not very funny and not very cornerish as usual
* GOATSE IS GOOD STUFF - At least, that's what
Lastminute.com seem to think. Check out the
buttock-shaped Os in this unlikely logo:
http://snurl.com/lastminutegoatse
* MR TINY KOX - It takes big balls to go through
life with a name like that.
http://bit.ly/Z8JrG
* TWATTS - But why? Why? It's not even the name
of the company!
http://twatts.co.uk/
* CHANGE YOUR NAME MR LARSEN - "Surprised this
man's re-election didn't take a turn for the
worst," chuckles ccc.
http://snurl.com/mrlarsen
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Elephant Challenge
Last week we wanted you to hide an
elephant
Your favourites included:
* NESSIE - minimal 'shopping here, just
great use of a classic snap (monstrinho
do biscoito)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9871643
* GREY - this elephant has literally
disappeared completely. Where's it
gone? (DogHorse)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9872782
* LADY - we've examined this photo for
hours, but the elephant still eludes us
(TheFiend)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9871209
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/elephant/
>> New challenge: Unlikely Mergers <<
In the week that nasty Kraft took over
nice Cadbury, this week's challenge is
to picture unlikely company mergers, and
the products that might result.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mergers/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GIRL SINGS WEEBL'S SONG - thanks to Darklord
for pointing out this charming cover version of
Amazing Horse. Also amusing is the B3tans
discussing the young lady's attractiveness,
chest tattoos and facial piercings. She's not
going to look twice at you - well unless you're
there to fix the printer that is.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Amazing_Horse_Cover_Vers...
* WANKING ENTHUSIASTS SITE - anonymous writes,
"Re: a site which contains a button saying
'I've just had a wank?', try bedposted, a
discreet online database for you to store
details of your shags and wanks. Enjoy!"
http://www.bedposted.com
* MORE CALENDAR SUGGESTIONS - Gibberer writes,
"Try the 2010 Hooters Calendar. You know you
want to... It's a, err, hoot."
http://www.joe-ks.com/hooterscalendar/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Endless Migration
You are a goose. You are a goose and you must
fly south, collecting as many mates as you can.
Too be honest, we didn't last too long before
flying into a jet engine. Like a dream we once
had.
http://snurl.com/endlessmigration
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WHATWILLIHAVEFORSUPPER.COM - "Could one of
your webions devise this?" asks @kfking,
"Shouldn't be too hard as the answer is always
cheese on toast."
* FLAKE / POO = "Regarding Cadbury," writes
@peregr1n, " I've always maintained Flake
smells/tastes faintly of poo. Can someone do a
blind taste test?"
* CHEAPER TRAIN TICKETS - Philip Knight has an
idea and he wants B3tans to help. Return train
tickets often cost a similar price to singles -
can somebody set up a site for people to sell
on the return bit of the ticket and make
cheaper tickets for everyone? Philip explains
it in more detail here:
http://snurl.com/u5kci
Stick your cocks in our mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us. Sometimes we shudder,
but we do look.
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Sexy woo time: [email protected]
Twatty scummers:[email protected]
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: THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the_log_knows,
@bounder, Dave Peacock, @bliumchik, NoSoup4U,
jingle_man, @TOther_Simon, @theindiedave,
mousemonkey, jeffrey44, ccc, @gshutler,
@chopeh, flannery, Pauly Pops.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Sickipedia gag via hongkonglouie.
Subjlols via Barbarossa.
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: SICKIPEDIA NIGHT 3.1:
* Kunt & the Gang! Mushybees! Boyce Bailey!
Richard Tyrone Jones! Joel Veitch! Bovine! Mike
Rampton! Justincider! David Stevenson! Jeremy
Gomez! Nick James! Robert Auton! Yes, the night
that should never happen is happening once
again. The Old Blue Last, Shoreditch on 3rd
February. Do come!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/4288970512/
* Just been watching the Masters snooker and
I've been trying to get to grips with the
rules. Is the white ball going round ethnically
cleansing the table?
http://www.sickipedia.org/
