NEWSLETTER: "HEY YOU, THE ROCK STEADY CREW, SHOW 'EM WHAT TO DO, HAVE A WANK, DO A POO"
This Week:
* PAIN - Musical Spock
* HORROR - The Thing UK
* WINDOWS - 3.1 in javascript
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving Robinsons
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | bottle tops to get
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| racist badges"
B3ta email 413 - 29 Jan 2010
Second copy available free:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue413/
iPod Touch: [email protected]
Big iPod Touch: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
10 Words, C4, Spock, Tron and the Thing
>> 10 Word Wiki <<
It's like Wikipedia but just the 10 words.
Great concept.
http://www.tenwordwiki.wikispot.org
>> Channel 4 News Remix <<
News theme gets the full drum and bass
treatment. This is what Jon Snow listens to on
his iPod when he goes out happy slapping. Kudos
to speedy and netgem21.
http://b3ta.com/links/Channel_4_News_Remix_by_netg...
>> Spock PAAAIIIINNNN <<
Shatner's your go-to guy when it comes to
over-acting, poor Leonard Nimoy is unfairly
overlooked. To redress the balance here's
Jayenkai's musical remix of some prime Spocky
ham.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/PAAAIIIINNNN
>> A Very British Thing <<
A one-minute remake of the 1982 John Carpenter
masterpiece The Thing. "In my (weak) defence,
it's intentionally cheap and silly-looking,
apologises sir_spicious2000. We demand more
space-horror films be set in Surrey.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_Very_British_Thing
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: Weebl does X Factor
Jonti takes his characters Weebl, Bob and
Insanity Prawn Boy onto a TV talent show as
judges, where they meet some oddly familiar
contestants. More advertising work for Jonti in
what appears to be his now-annual gig working
with Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Hopefully they don't
pay him with delicious chocolate money.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Goo+Got+Talent+1...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Real-life Slapstick
Last week we asked about your hilarious bumps,
thumps and prat-falls:
http://b3ta.com/questions/slapstick/
* CAT BURGLAR - "A police friend of my Dad's is
sent out to investigate some suspicious
activity in the Oxford area where he finds a
house with a ladder against it, leading to an
ajar bedroom window. Clearly a bit suspicious,
so he climbs the old and rickety ladder to
investigate. As he reaches the top he briefly
glimpses a cat sitting on the bed giving him a
quizzical look. I say 'briefly' because a
second later there is a loud 'CRACK' and the
rung snaps cleanly through the middle. He
plummets rapidly, each rung snapping cleanly as
he hits them, like a Looney Tunes cartoon. He
hits the floor and rolls away groaning, his
hands now 20% splinters. A car pulls up and the
driver runs over. "What are you doing in my
garden?" "Checking your house. There was a
ladder going up to a window and someone
reported it as suspicious!" "Oh no mate, that's
just so my cat can get in" "Aren't you worried
about getting burgled?" "Nah," says the guy.
"I've sawed half-way through each rung"
(stubbledchin)
* ROUTEMASTER - "Friday evening, Oxford St.
I've just left work after a couple of cheeky
beers, and I spot a 73, in all its old
Routemaster glory, waiting at the lights. So I
run for it. And it starts moving off. So I run
a bit faster. By now I have an audience - some
girls looking out the back window from the top
deck are cheering me on. So naturally efforts
are redoubled. The bus is moving quite quickly
now, and I don't know if I'll make it... But
I'm there! With a gazelle-like spring, I'm on!
Nice'n'safe, one foot on the platform, both
hands around the pole. Phew. And the strap on
the record-bag style, erm, bag, slung over my
shoulder, decides to snap. And with that sudden
jerk, my feet slip off the platform, my hands
slide down the pole and my body ends up
stretched out on the road, being dragged up
London's busiest - but not, take it from me,
smoothest - street. The bus is gathering speed,
I'm fishtailing behind it not daring let go 'cos
I have no idea what's coming behind me. After a
good 150m I manage to check behind me, see the
road is clear and let go, skidding and rolling
to a stop. I'm not exaggerating, but this
brought Oxford St to a standstill. People just
stopped and stared open mouthed. I got up,
brushed myself off and walked about 50 yards
back to where a woman was standing, holding the
remains of my bag." (FridgeBadger)
* BOLLARDIER - "I once tried to impress a load
of firemen who were stopped at a red light in
their fire truck by leapfrogging over a
bollard. Gave it a good go but forgot I had a
skirt on. Cue bollard swinging straight towards
my face. I was stuck, by my skirt, upside-down
with my face at the bottom of a fucking
bollard. one of the firemen kindly got out of
his truck and un-hooked me." (nettestar)
>> This Week's Question: Music <<
We'd like the soundtrack to your lives - what
music has accompanied the great events of your
life, or just what do you like to do a poo to?
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/soundtrack/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Windows 3.1 in JavaScript <<
Geeks rejoice! Finally the wonders of an early
90s version of Windows have come to javascript.
Best enjoyed listening to Guru Josh - not the
modern remix but the funnier, earlier one with
the vocal "1990s, time for Guru!"
http://www.michaelv.org.nyud.net/
>> Cats on Page 3 <<
Readers of The Sun know all about Page 3 -
photos of nudey ladies with right-wing points
of view. Imagine if you took these quotes and
replaced the breasty lovelies with cats? Could
you still wank to it?
http://www.thekittenchannel.com/catnews.php
>> Unhappy hipsters <<
Dull photos of vaguely trendy-looking people
with extremely depressing captions. This is the
work of a misanthropist.
http://is.gd/7daIX
>> David Cameron Facts <<
Remember Chuck Norris facts? "Outer space
exists because it's afraid to be on the same
planet with Chuck Norris." Imagine doing
similar with our possible Prime Minister-to-be.
Would that be funny? 771 followers on Twitter
think so.
http://twitter.com/davefacts
>> Shitty old album covers again <<
Elliot writes, "A quite excellent collection of
rubbish album covers. Hadn't seen most of
these." Nor us, Elliot, nor us. NSFW in places
but, as Elliot points out, "If someone's afraid
of the human body I have nothing but pity for
them."
http://bit.ly/147ku2
>> Headline of the day <<
Not much we can write about this without
ruining the joke so with no further ado:
http://snurl.com/lollikeyouveneverlolledbefore
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Railway pup
Nothing tugs the heart-strings like a fluff
baby in peril. This poor wee puppy was rescued
from some train lines - he'd frozen to them in
the cold weather. Ironically, his name is Track
- what are the chances of that??
http://snurl.com/puppytime
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine this on an iPad. WoooOOOooo!
>> Simon Swears <<
Years ago we ran a flash toy with the same
name, now it's become a real hardware project.
Yep, a speaking, swearing Simon toy. Fan
fucking tastic.
http://is.gd/7daTi
>> Welcome back Chris Morris. <<
Very much looking forward to seeing Chris
Morris's new comedy about shit terrorists. The
clip is OK, but hey, it's new Chris Morris.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Welcome_back_Chris_Morri...
>> Carol Vorderman - Motherfucker <<
The first show on C4 was Countdown and it's
still going, although they got rid of the rest
reason to watch - Carol Vorderman - years ago.
Remember her this way - made to say rude words
through the medium of editing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Carol_Vorderman_Motherfu...
>> iPad lols <<
So the marketing team sat around going, "Is
there any precedent for this name?" "Well
there's this old comedy sketch from 2007 on
youTube about sanitary towels." "Nah, fuck it,
nobody will notice will they?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> How news reports work <<
A good deconstruction by Charlie Brooker on how
news reports are put together - might
temporarily put you off watching the news as
you'll just be spotting the format points for a
bit.
http://snurl.com/charltonbrookerisfunny
>> Kersal Massive nostalgia <<
If you remember the internet from 2005 then
you'll enjoy this comedy clip of an A&R man
trying to get into some Kersal action.
http://snurl.com/scrotes
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Cocky slags
* KNOB MECHANIC - "The chap third from top made
me emit a cheesy one (a smile, of course)"
confesses Parpy Parp-Parp.
http://snurl.com/cccsuperloltime
* SAD NEWS - Looks like b3ta's favourite
magazine is going under:
http://www.propubs.com/global-slag/gs_homepage.htm...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Merger Challenge
Last week we wanted you to visualise unlikely
company mergers.
Your favourites included:
* BROWN - popular author + highway code = handy
(salvadorevincent)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9883331
* CRUMBLE - Blackberry + Apple iPhone =
disaster (Mr Gear)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9881554
* MEAT - ordinance survey + spam = triumph
(custard)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9880813
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mergers/
>> New challenge: The iPad <<
As Steve Jobs launches the most exciting
product in the world, ever, this week's
challenge is obvious: take the piss out
of the iPad
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ipad/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GUY GOMA - Remember Guy Goma, the bloke who
got mistaken for a tech journalist and
interviewed on News 24, then that flash of
total shock when he caught on? Turns out that
Guy Kewney, the bloke he was mistaken for, now
has cancer. If you've ever laughed at the clip,
why not donate some spare change to make his
life a bit better?
http://bit.ly/az1d2Y
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CHARLIE BROOKER'S ALL-DAY-BREAKFAST BAR -
"Fried egg, bacon, chips and beans, mashed and
compacted into a Crunchie-sized slab, covered
with a layer of ketchup, then swaddled in thick
Dairy Milk chocolate. It'd look and weigh about
the same as a Double Decker. And yes, it sounds
disgusting - but you'd have to try it once,
wouldn't you?"
http://snurl.com/yeahyeahyeahyeah
* PEACE KITTENS VS TRANSGLOBAL UNDERGROUND -
"The chords in the chorus of Transglobal
Underground's 'Temple Head' are among the most
life-affirming things ever", states Iain, "It
seems obvious to me that, if footage could be
found of kittens miaowing with the same
intervals, all world conflict could be ended at
a stroke."
* SEMI-SLICED BREAD - and other unhappy
compromises between control and convenience.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by codepo8, @Daffydil,
@SamCarelse, @leonhurley, @bounder, @TheoEsc,
@nunobensen, openleggy, @TheoEsc, waz4444,
McBadger, @danielbevis and not forgetting the
lovely WiL. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via Bob Todd. Sickipedia via
Tinpotbob.
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What is hard and six inches long?
My pen is.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
