NEWSLETTER: "FASHIONABLY LATE FOR ITS OWN FUNERAL"
This Week:
* SHOUT - Mel Gibson cut-up
* SHRED - Cool post box prank
* STAR WARS - with the Osmonds
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Fucking hell it's Friday
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the 12th! That's a bit
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| spooky init?"
B3ta tweets2pager service 415 - 12 Feb 2010
Print this out and wipe your shitty arse with it:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue415/
JOIN US: [email protected]
QUITTERS: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Buy this book - while you still can!
"Keith Farnish has been called a 'Fascist'
(James Delingpole) and an alarmist calling for
'Mass Genocide' (Alex Jones), because he wrote
a book about helping humanity to survive,
called 'Time's Up!' It's pretty controversial,
but a cracking read. There's also a free
version, because he's nice like that."
http://www.timesupbook.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Gibson, When You Were Born & Papershredders
>> Mel Gibson cut up. Hooray! <<
"Had a go at making a career out of this
stuff," sighs b3ta legend swedemason. "It
didn't really work out, so I'm getting back to
what I think I know." In this case, nailing a
dance beat to a juicy slice of Mel Gibson ham,
to make the angriest phone-call ever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/gimmebackmason
>> What happened in my birth year? <<
Here's Philipp with a web toy of surprisingly
philosophical bent. Enter your birth year and
it'll give you a well-informed little spiel
about how the world has changed since then.
http://whathappenedinmybirthyear.com
>> Shredding the mail <<
"Here's a short video we did for a school
contest," explains DaSchop. "A little fun with
an office paper shredder." Classic prank of the
Candid Camera variety, making it look like
people's letters are getting destroyed as they
post them. Shower these guys with complimentary
feedback btw - apparently, their teachers are
watching. BTW: Paper shredder, paper
shredder, nothing makes hamsters deader.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shredding_peoples_mail
>> I'm a manatee bitch! <<
"hi dude made a new thing, incase it's any use
for the newsletter," writes Joel using a
keyboard with a mysteriously broken shift key,
"it's called I'm The Manatee, Bitch! and it's
here." Aha, looks like he fixed his keyboard
then. Woo hoo.
http://www.rathergood.com/manatee
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Celebrity Hate
Last week we asked for the famous people you
really, really cannot stand. A cathartic
exercise for all involved, really:
http://b3ta.com/questions/famebacklash/
* RONALD MCDONALD - "Back in the late 80s I was
only interested in one famous person: Ronald
McDonald, mascot of the best place to eat in
the WHOLE WIDE WORLD! My mother didn’t really
approve of fast food, so my only chance to go
came with an invitation to a McParty. My heart
did somersaults. Not only was I going to get a
Happy Meal but I'd meet Ronald Mc-Bloody-
Donald! I was giddy with sheer unadulterated
excitement. Mum dropped me off in my little
frock and I tentatively crossed the threshold
of the Golden Arches. Stuffed with burgers and
cake, we were racing around, burning off the
energy playing hide and seek. The birthday girl
and I had discovered a perfect hiding place
underneath a table and were awaiting being
found when all of a sudden a big pair of yellow
gloves appeared and pulled me out from under
the table. I was lifted up, past the stripy
socks, past the yellow suit to the scariest
face I had ever seen in my life! I recoiled
instantly, bringing my hands up to my face.
This wasn't right, no Happy Meal jolly Ronald,
this was a big man with blood red lips and
yellow teeth, right in my face. He was
horrifying. I screamed and struggled. He smelt
of stale cigarettes and sweat and started
bouncing me up and down asking where the
birthday girl was. I squeaked "put me down" but
he didn’t seem to hear or care, so I did the
only other thing I could think of and kicked
him. Square in his McNuggets. He dropped.
Ronald McDonald remains entirely responsible my
crippling fear of clowns." (Flim-Flam the
Magnificent)
* SIR JIMMY SAVILLE - "My mum hates the man,
and what fucks her off is his charity work.
Despite being from Leeds, Sir Jim pledges a lot
of time down South to Stoke Mandeville
Hospital, where mum was a nurse. The directors
love him there. New spinal ward open? Get a
handshake with Jimmy as a pulls a drag on a
cigar. Front page stuff for the local rag. Need
someone to cheer the patients up? Send in Jimmy
to do his radio DJ stuff. It's all in good fun,
but when you're assisting a heart surgery, a
delicate operation in a sterile room, and all
of a sudden an 80 year old in polyester bursts
through the door screaming 'Righto righto!'
with a couple of cameramen on his heels,
smoking, around oxygen tanks and over a man's
exposed heart and four hours of work are undone
by cigar ash... the only mark on my mum's
work record is laying into a retired radio
DJ for endangering patients and staff. Seven
times." (FoxyBadger)
* STEPHANIE - "You know, her off Lazytown. Six
years I have been sending her pictures of my
cock and not so much as a thank you. Stuck up
bitch." (DrTugnut2)
>> This Week's Question: Mums <<
Your mum. Talk to us here, don't worry she
doesn't use b3ta.
http://b3ta.com/questions/mums/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Bodybuilding gone wrong <<
If swollen, distorted limbs are your measure of
manliness then feast your eyes. Apparently,
some bodybuilders inject themselves with a
synthetic oil to make their muscles appear
larger. Or perhaps they've illegally implanted
additional brains to their biceps, so as to
clear out the pub quiz machine.
http://artsyspot.com/what-went-wrong-synthol-victi...
>> How To Store and Organise Cats <<
Herding cats is notoriously difficult, but
tidying them away is no problem at all if
you're organised enough.
http://snurl.com/catstorage
>> Scary video chat thing <<
Clever little site that matches up visitors
with other visitors via the medium of webcam.
You'll get to see a lot of penises and foreign
people. However, it's so deeply compelling
we've been coming back all week. No plans to
get our cock out mind you.
http://chatroulette.com/
>> Paperchase copycats? <<
Big negs for card shop Paperchase, as it looks
like their creatives have lifted a design from an
illustrator's website. Our anonymous inside
source says "Back in the day they used to sell
notebooks with a big red cross on them, until
the charity people came round and made them
stop."
http://tumblr.com/xws6cclut
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: The Accidental Pornographer
Sponsored linky number two
"The Accidental Pornographer, a refreshingly
honest and very funny tale of hope, ineptitude
and failure in the murky world of porn - sort
of the opposite to a Richard Branson book."
http://snurl.com/lovelylovelybook
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
"Video will never work on the web", B3ta 2001
>> Star Wars Osmonds <<
We have a friend who's convinced that an
excessive love of sci-fi is an infallible sign
of being a raging homosexualist. Here's
Exhibit A: Donnie and Marie Osmond's musical
Star Wars... with Kris Kristofferson. Oh, and
this is still better than Phantom Menace.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/429076
>> Great aftershave ad <<
Good to see granddads' favourite Old Spice
making a play for a younger crowd with tongue
in cheeky commercials like these. Plus it's
eye-candy for the ladies.
http://snurl.com/itsdiamonds
>> Nice road safety campaign <<
"I know it's not the usual b3ta fodder," begins
samgrimmett, "But my mate Dan Cox has written
and directed a new road safety ad." And what a
thing it is, dropping the usual lashings of
blood and angst for a lovely, positive message.
"It's been funded by Sussex Safer Roads but if
there's enough interest it could get on TV!"
concludes our man Sam.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nice_road_safety_campaig...
>> 20th Century Fox like you never heard before <<
Short but sweet, love it.
http://snurl.com/bathos
>> T-shirt timelapse <<
Clever time lapse video with each frame being a
new t-shirt. And then you buy the t-shirt.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/T_shirt_timelapse_thing
>> Water / Ceiling Prank <<
Sneaky trick with an excellent watery payoff.
Genuinely tempted to try this out.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Water_Ceiling_Prank
>> 50 impressions, 50 seconds. <<
Does what it says on the tin. Also convincing
impression of someone having a breakdown.
http://www.wimp.com/fiftyimpressions/
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Your perineal favourite
* JAP-SAI - There's no way they aren't in on
this. No way at all. Surely.
http://www.jap-sai.com
* PHALLIC TOWEL HOLDER - unusual camera angle
lets us know what was on the photographer's
mind.
http://snurl.com/cockytissue
* ROD FANNI - Fun fact: this French
International footballer has a name that sounds
like sex. LOL.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rod_Fanni
* FUCK FIAT - With our vigilant eye for
quality, we passed this one to our Brazilian
fact-checker. Her response: "Haha that's
hilarious, is it for real?"
http://www.fiatfuck.com.br/
* SHAGGETT - "I've just started working at a
new job and this is one of the women I work
with," proclaims Colonel Santiago. "A rather
unfortunate first initial, I think you'll
agree. Full marks to the parents for getting
away with that!"
http://www.b3tards.com/u/bd2170d0b76a9701d756/unti...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Save ITV Challenge
ITV is up shit creek at the moment, the
business model was based on people watching ads
as part of scheduling - this has been been
completely broken by the evil nerds who
invented downloading. Can you help?
Our favourites included:
* DANCING ON ACID - props to Barbarossa for
this great little gag and, in a case of great
minds think alike @Glinner tweets, "Hey, BBC!
Idea: 'Dancing on Acid'. I'd watch it!"
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9908665
* WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE DEATH SQUADS -
thanks to Otis Flemming for putting the
laughter into slaughter here.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9902634
* INSPECTOR HORSE - "Ahh Lewis, I don't think
this one died of colic, let's nip off to the
barn for a pint of hay ok?" (Thanks McBadger)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9902884
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/itv/
>> New challenge: Corporate greenwash <<
Loving the phrase "corporate greenwash" doing
the rounds at the moment - meaning the
horseshit big business spouts in its marketing
materials, claiming to be super-amazing for the
environment whilst dumping ocean liners full of
tip-ex on baby seals. Thought you lot might
think of some funnier examples. Go on, this is
the shit you do right?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/greenwash/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GLITCH - a new MMOG coded by one-time b3ta
co-founder Cal Henderson looks like it's going
to be amazing. But we particularly enjoyed the
Guardian write-up for the continuing struggle
that journalists have in describing our site.
This week we're a "notoriously outré message
board."
http://snurl.com/gruniadglitch
* ROFLCON - Joel tells us he has just signed
for speaking and panelling at Massachusetts'
ROFLCon II. So, if you're hankering for the
Veitchian superman to autograph your tits (male
or female), you'll want to head along there at
the end of April. Or turn up at his house
unexpectedly, like we do.
http://snurl.com/joelbitesuninvitedguests
* HUMOUR NOT TUMOUR - After last week's 'reading
b3ta with chemo', Seventh steps the hardcore up
a notch. "I once read the newsletter on my
phone whilst having a massive great needle
pushed into my spine with woefully little
anaesthetic," he confides. "Used to have lumbar
punctures every 6 weeks and B3ta weblols were
better than lying there wondering if I'd still
be able to walk if they slipped. They let me
have my phone on the ward 'cos it was better
than having me whine and scream through it.
Huge hugs to Nevillebartos and best of luck
with the chemo."
"I read all the newsletters thru May-Oct '09
in a hospital while getting chemo for
lymphoma," adds djigho. "Result? B3ta kicks
cancer's ass. Thank you & goodnight." Woo!
There's a definite correlation between reading
the newsletter and recovering from cancer -
someone better tell the Daily Mail!
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: FRIDAY GAME
One Button Bob
Bob's a simple chap - you complete the game
using only the left mouse button. Fighting the
boss gets a little tricky though.
http://www.lingolux.com/2010/02/03/one-button-bob/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* ROBBERY SCHEMES - "You know that thing this
week where a blog item about Facebook
accidentally got to the top of Google for
"Facebook Login". Can someone do the same for
'Natwest Bank'? This time next year, Rodders,
we'll be millionaires..." (Scaryduck)
* HISTORY-SPECIFIC RESTAURANTS - "Instead of a
cuisine, you eat a time period's food."
(@Neilmajor)
* I'VE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN AP - "I'd like an
application that reminds you of that thing that
you were thinking of earlier but now you've
forgotten what it was. Not sure how it would
work. An endless list of prompt questions,
perhaps, that you could answer with 'No, not
exactly... Um...'" (@somegreybloke)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Christian
Heilmann, VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, barrieface,
nattydread, mike woz ere, largoembargo, Swany,
the_log_knows, Frightguy, thick as a brick,
Balloonhead, Colonel Santiago, NuffMuff,
littlefish, @piersb, Dave! Top Tippery by x
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Joe Scaramanga.
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Your Mum's so fat, when she fell down the
stairs I thought EastEnders was ending. (Kierz)
http://www.sickipedia.org/
