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This Week:
* SHOUT - Mel Gibson cut-up
* SHRED - Cool post box prank
* STAR WARS - with the Osmonds

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Fucking hell it's Friday     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  the 12th! That's a bit
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      spooky init?"

B3ta tweets2pager service 415 - 12 Feb 2010

Print this out and wipe your shitty arse with it:

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  Buy this book - while you still can!
  "Keith Farnish has been called a 'Fascist'
  (James Delingpole) and an alarmist calling for
  'Mass Genocide' (Alex Jones), because he wrote
  a book about helping humanity to survive,
  called 'Time's Up!' It's pretty controversial,
  but a cracking read. There's also a free
  version, because he's nice like that."

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Gibson, When You Were Born & Papershredders

  >> Mel Gibson cut up. Hooray! <<
  "Had a go at making a career out of this
  stuff," sighs b3ta legend swedemason. "It
  didn't really work out, so I'm getting back to
  what I think I know." In this case, nailing a
  dance beat to a juicy slice of Mel Gibson ham,
  to make the angriest phone-call ever.

  >> What happened in my birth year? <<
  Here's Philipp with a web toy of surprisingly
  philosophical bent. Enter your birth year and
  it'll give you a well-informed little spiel
  about how the world has changed since then.

  >> Shredding the mail <<
  "Here's a short video we did for a school
  contest," explains DaSchop. "A little fun with
  an office paper shredder." Classic prank of the
  Candid Camera variety, making it look like
  people's letters are getting destroyed as they
  post them. Shower these guys with complimentary
  feedback btw - apparently, their teachers are
  watching. BTW: Paper shredder, paper
  shredder, nothing makes hamsters deader.

  >> I'm a manatee bitch! <<
  "hi dude made a new thing, incase it's any use
  for the newsletter," writes Joel using a
  keyboard with a mysteriously broken shift key,
  "it's called I'm The Manatee, Bitch! and it's
  here." Aha, looks like he fixed his keyboard
  then. Woo hoo.


  Celebrity Hate

  Last week we asked for the famous people you
  really, really cannot stand. A cathartic
  exercise for all involved, really:

  * RONALD MCDONALD - "Back in the late 80s I was
  only interested in one famous person: Ronald
  McDonald, mascot of the best place to eat in
  the WHOLE WIDE WORLD! My mother didn’t really
  approve of fast food, so my only chance to go
  came with an invitation to a McParty. My heart
  did somersaults. Not only was I going to get a
  Happy Meal but I'd meet Ronald Mc-Bloody-
  Donald! I was giddy with sheer unadulterated
  excitement. Mum dropped me off in my little
  frock and I tentatively crossed the threshold
  of the Golden Arches. Stuffed with burgers and
  cake, we were racing around, burning off the
  energy playing hide and seek. The birthday girl
  and I had discovered a perfect hiding place
  underneath a table and were awaiting being
  found when all of a sudden a big pair of yellow
  gloves appeared and pulled me out from under
  the table. I was lifted up, past the stripy
  socks, past the yellow suit to the scariest
  face I had ever seen in my life! I recoiled
  instantly, bringing my hands up to my face.
  This wasn't right, no Happy Meal jolly Ronald,
  this was a big man with blood red lips and
  yellow teeth, right in my face. He was
  horrifying. I screamed and struggled. He smelt
  of stale cigarettes and sweat and started
  bouncing me up and down asking where the
  birthday girl was. I squeaked "put me down" but
  he didn’t seem to hear or care, so I did the
  only other thing I could think of and kicked
  him. Square in his McNuggets. He dropped.
  Ronald McDonald remains entirely responsible my
  crippling fear of clowns." (Flim-Flam the
  * SIR JIMMY SAVILLE - "My mum hates the man,
  and what fucks her off is his charity work.
  Despite being from Leeds, Sir Jim pledges a lot
  of time down South to Stoke Mandeville
  Hospital, where mum was a nurse. The directors
  love him there. New spinal ward open? Get a
  handshake with Jimmy as a pulls a drag on a
  cigar. Front page stuff for the local rag. Need
  someone to cheer the patients up? Send in Jimmy
  to do his radio DJ stuff. It's all in good fun,
  but when you're assisting a heart surgery, a
  delicate operation in a sterile room, and all
  of a sudden an 80 year old in polyester bursts
  through the door screaming 'Righto righto!'
  with a couple of cameramen on his heels,
  smoking, around oxygen tanks and over a man's
  exposed heart and four hours of work are undone
  by cigar ash... the only mark on my mum's
  work record is laying into a retired radio
  DJ for endangering patients and staff. Seven
  times." (FoxyBadger)
  * STEPHANIE - "You know, her off Lazytown. Six
  years I have been sending her pictures of my
  cock and not so much as a thank you. Stuck up
  bitch." (DrTugnut2)

  >> This Week's Question: Mums <<
  Your mum. Talk to us here, don't worry she
  doesn't use b3ta.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Bodybuilding gone wrong <<
  If swollen, distorted limbs are your measure of
  manliness then feast your eyes. Apparently,
  some bodybuilders inject themselves with a
  synthetic oil to make their muscles appear
  larger. Or perhaps they've illegally implanted
  additional brains to their biceps, so as to
  clear out the pub quiz machine.

  >> How To Store and Organise Cats <<
  Herding cats is notoriously difficult, but
  tidying them away is no problem at all if
  you're organised enough.

  >> Scary video chat thing <<
  Clever little site that matches up visitors
  with other visitors via the medium of webcam.
  You'll get to see a lot of penises and foreign
  people. However, it's so deeply compelling
  we've been coming back all week. No plans to
  get our cock out mind you.  

  >> Paperchase copycats? <<
  Big negs for card shop Paperchase, as it looks
  like their creatives have lifted a design from an
  illustrator's website. Our anonymous inside
  source says "Back in the day they used to sell
  notebooks with a big red cross on them, until
  the charity people came round and made them


: The Accidental Pornographer 
  Sponsored linky number two

  "The Accidental Pornographer, a refreshingly
  honest and very funny tale of hope, ineptitude
  and failure in the murky world of porn - sort
  of the opposite to a Richard Branson book."


  "Video will never work on the web", B3ta 2001

  >> Star Wars Osmonds <<
  We have a friend who's convinced that an
  excessive love of sci-fi is an infallible sign
  of being a raging homosexualist. Here's
  Exhibit A: Donnie and Marie Osmond's musical
  Star Wars... with Kris Kristofferson. Oh, and
  this is still better than Phantom Menace.

  >> Great aftershave ad <<
  Good to see granddads' favourite Old Spice
  making a play for a younger crowd with tongue
  in cheeky commercials like these. Plus it's 
  eye-candy for the ladies.

  >> Nice road safety campaign <<
  "I know it's not the usual b3ta fodder," begins
  samgrimmett, "But my mate Dan Cox has written
  and directed a new road safety ad." And what a
  thing it is, dropping the usual lashings of
  blood and angst for a lovely, positive message.
  "It's been funded by Sussex Safer Roads but if
  there's enough interest it could get on TV!"
  concludes our man Sam.

  >> 20th Century Fox like you never heard before <<
  Short but sweet, love it.

  >> T-shirt timelapse <<
  Clever time lapse video with each frame being a
  new t-shirt. And then you buy the t-shirt.

  >> Water / Ceiling Prank <<
  Sneaky trick with an excellent watery payoff.
  Genuinely tempted to try this out.

  >> 50 impressions, 50 seconds. <<
  Does what it says on the tin. Also convincing
  impression of someone having a breakdown.


  Your perineal favourite

  * JAP-SAI - There's no way they aren't in on
  this. No way at all. Surely.

  * PHALLIC TOWEL HOLDER - unusual camera angle
  lets us know what was on the photographer's

  * ROD FANNI - Fun fact: this French
  International footballer has a name that sounds
  like sex. LOL.

  * FUCK FIAT - With our vigilant eye for
  quality, we passed this one to our Brazilian
  fact-checker. Her response: "Haha that's
  hilarious, is it for real?"

  * SHAGGETT - "I've just started working at a
  new job and this is one of the women I work
  with," proclaims Colonel Santiago. "A rather
  unfortunate first initial, I think you'll
  agree. Full marks to the parents for getting
  away with that!"


  Results from the Save ITV Challenge

  ITV is up shit creek at the moment, the
  business model was based on people watching ads
  as part of scheduling - this has been been
  completely broken by the evil nerds who
  invented downloading. Can you help?
  Our favourites included:
  * DANCING ON ACID - props to Barbarossa for
  this great little gag and, in a case of great
  minds think alike @Glinner tweets, "Hey, BBC!
  Idea: 'Dancing on Acid'. I'd watch it!" 

  thanks to Otis Flemming for putting the
  laughter into slaughter here.

  * INSPECTOR HORSE - "Ahh Lewis, I don't think
  this one died of colic, let's nip off to the
  barn for a pint of hay ok?" (Thanks McBadger)

  All these images, and the highest as
  voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Corporate greenwash <<
  Loving the phrase "corporate greenwash" doing
  the rounds at the moment - meaning the
  horseshit big business spouts in its marketing
  materials, claiming to be super-amazing for the
  environment whilst dumping ocean liners full of
  tip-ex on baby seals. Thought you lot might
  think of some funnier examples. Go on, this is
  the shit you do right?


  Follow-ups on previous stories.
  * GLITCH - a new MMOG coded by one-time b3ta
  co-founder Cal Henderson looks like it's going
  to be amazing. But we particularly enjoyed the
  Guardian write-up for the continuing struggle
  that journalists have in describing our site.
  This week we're a "notoriously outré message

  * ROFLCON - Joel tells us he has just signed
  for speaking and panelling at Massachusetts'
  ROFLCon II. So, if you're hankering for the
  Veitchian superman to autograph your tits (male
  or female), you'll want to head along there at
  the end of April. Or turn up at his house
  unexpectedly, like we do.

  * HUMOUR NOT TUMOUR - After last week's 'reading
  b3ta with chemo', Seventh steps the hardcore up
  a notch. "I once read the newsletter on my
  phone whilst having a massive great needle
  pushed into my spine with woefully little
  anaesthetic," he confides. "Used to have lumbar
  punctures every 6 weeks and B3ta weblols were
  better than lying there wondering if I'd still
  be able to walk if they slipped. They let me
  have my phone on the ward 'cos it was better
  than having me whine and scream through it.
  Huge hugs to Nevillebartos and best of luck
  with the chemo."

  "I read all the newsletters thru May-Oct '09
  in a hospital while getting chemo for
  lymphoma," adds djigho. "Result? B3ta kicks
  cancer's ass. Thank you & goodnight." Woo!
  There's a definite correlation between reading
  the newsletter and recovering from cancer -
  someone better tell the Daily Mail!


  One Button Bob

  Bob's a simple chap - you complete the game
  using only the left mouse button. Fighting the
  boss gets a little tricky though.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ROBBERY SCHEMES - "You know that thing this
  week where a blog item about Facebook
  accidentally got to the top of Google for
  "Facebook Login". Can someone do the same for
  'Natwest Bank'? This time next year, Rodders,
  we'll be millionaires..." (Scaryduck)

  cuisine, you eat a time period's food."
  application that reminds you of that thing that
  you were thinking of earlier but now you've
  forgotten what it was. Not sure how it would
  work. An endless list of prompt questions,
  perhaps, that you could answer with 'No, not
  exactly... Um...'" (@somegreybloke)
  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Christian
  Heilmann, VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, barrieface,
  nattydread, mike woz ere, largoembargo, Swany,
  the_log_knows, Frightguy, thick as a brick,
  Balloonhead, Colonel Santiago, NuffMuff,
  littlefish, @piersb, Dave! Top Tippery by x
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Joe Scaramanga.


  Your Mum's so fat, when she fell down the
  stairs I thought EastEnders was ending. (Kierz)

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