NEWSLETTER: "THAT'S RIGHT - ANOTHER WEEK HAS FLOWN BY AND YOU'VE ACHIEVED NOTHING"
This Week:
* REAL WORLD CHALLENGE - Rearrange stuff in shops
* COOKING - a guide to making black pudding
* NOT FEATURING - pleaserobme.com coz it's everywhere
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're looking for the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | right batteries for
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 416 - 19 Feb 2010
Squint at this issue on your mobile device:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue416/
Marriage: [email protected]
Divorce: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Spike Jonze's new film - free tickets
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http://snurl.com/spikejonzeyeah
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Please buy some advertising as it means we can
afford to to take time off from client work and
actually do some newsletter stuff.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Blood, Sales, Music, Brucie and YouTube Roulette
>> Home-made black pudding <<
"Hi dude!" croons a gore-spattered Joel Veitch.
"Just made some black pudding! Yeah! Blood and
fat!" Yes, dear reader, this is one of the most
disturbing things you will see this week - Joel
cheerily singing to a bucket of congealing
pigs' blood before cooking and eating it.
http://www.rathergood.com/black_pudding
>> Sally Sells You Stuff <<
"Here's a new project by my neighbour and me,"
explains Philipp. Not a bad money-spinning
scheme this - whimsical weekly web comic about
a lady trying to sell gadgets, followed by the
chance to buy said quality item on eBay.
http://sallysellsyoustuff.com/
>> Charming retro vid <<
"Just finished this silly video for a tune I
put together last year," breathes mozza. Its
endearingly retro style nods to both The Good
Life and Bod.
http://snurl.com/hornmaster5
>> Brucie! <<
An overheated Bruce Forsyth breaks loose from
the home, in an unstoppable tap-dance rampage.
"Finally, 5 months after I made it for them,
the BBC have uploaded it to their website,"
sighs Cyriak. "I was beginning to think this
video would be forever locked away in Brucie's
dungeon."
http://cyriak.co.uk/blog/
>> Swap a youTube video with stranger <<
If you're the kind of brave soul who enjoys
chatroulette, perhaps you might like to try
exchanging a youTube video with a random
stranger. "Not Safe For Work," warns creator
Bobsworth. "Because you don't know what you'll
get!"
http://www.py.bobsworthindustries.com/youtubeswap/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Mums
A cavalcade of mothers, each madder than the
last (except perhaps thatblokeoverthere's solid
gold brick of a mum):
http://b3ta.com/questions/mums/
* CARDS - "I'm the youngest of three. To make
us play together, my parents held family game
sessions every week or so. As this was the 80s,
this was a board game or some cards. All five
of us were round the kitchen table playing
cards when a 6 and a 9 appeared side by side.
"69!" My sister giggled to our older brother,
pointing at the cards. "Gahfaw," he chuckled...
and I just looked scared, as I had only learned
recently what a 69 was. "Whah?" My mum seemed
confused... "What is it?" "Sixty-nine, mom! You
know... look at the numbers. One up, one down,
curvy bits" My sister made gestures with her
hands, and gave a 'say no more' wink. And then
my mum grabbed my father's shoulder with a big
grin and let fly with a comment that will leave
me scarred for life, "Oh honey! The kids have a
name for it!" (macdumpy)
* CAKE - "My mum made a cake once. Fuck knows
how she managed it. All afternoon there had
been much clanging and banging and whirring,
and that weird rustley sifting noise you get
from paper bags filled with sugar and flour.
And then the final solid thump of the oven door
closing, she emerged from the kitchen, beaming
like a pixie. Later that day, when the main
course had been eaten and the plates carried
away, she brought in her construction on a big
round plate, and us three hungry sons sat round
it, licking lips. It was a fruit loaf. My
oldest brother was given the honour of cutting
it. He steadied himself at the table, and
tentatively poked at the crust. It crumbled
slightly, but didn't yield. So he pressed
harder. And harder. Then he started to worm and
twist the knife but it wouldn't budge; the cake
was absolutely solid. Beads of sweat broke out.
Eventually there was a snap, the blade pinged
off and the handle of the knife came away in
his hand. I laughed, my brother swore, my mum's
bottom lip trembled and the dog looked on,
hungry and bemused. So we took the cake outside
to destroy it. The family car happily rolled
over it, a hammer knocked a corner of it and
the dog could do little more than making it
reek of dog drool. It now sits on my brother's
garage workbench, 18 years later, with a series
of precise holes drilled in. It's a home-made
oven-baked screwdriver-holder, just like Mum
used to make." (Grrrmachine)
* CUBA - "I went to Cuba a few years ago, to
Guantanamo. Not the US base, but the area
around it. My mum's words of wisdom? "Be
careful if you go near that American base. You
do go a bit middle-eastern looking in the sun
and you know how stupid Americans are."
(inflateable)
>> This Week's Question <<
Do you flirt with check-out girls just for the
heck of it? Are you a check-out girl and flirt
with sad-looking middle-aged men for fun? Are
you Vernon Kay? Tell us about flirting triumphs
and disasters:
http://b3ta.com/questions/flirting/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Lady Gaga cookies <<
Mixed feelings about Gaga at B3ta towers - her
clothes are extraordinary and we enjoyed her
monosyllabic-refuse-to-play-the-game interview
on Jonathan Ross but we can't find much joy in
her songs. In fact, we think they're a bit crummy:
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/431...
>> Crackhead pancakes <<
We recently watched Withnail & I and amused
ourselves imagining it remade as Withcakes & I
with a big fatty delivering lines like, "I MUST
HAVE SOME CAKE, I DEMAND TO HAVE SOME CAKE!"
and "MY THUMBS HAVE GONE WEIRD, I"M IN THE
MIDDLE OF A DIABETIC OVERDOSE". You know, the
kind of crap French & Saunders used to do.
Anyway, this is a similar mix of addiction
imagery and sugar.
http://snurl.com/crackpancakes
>> OK Cupid's latest data analysis <<
OKCupid was started by the guys behind TheSpark
- a site from yesteryear that was big on
quizzes. The popularity of this prompted them
to use it to start a dating site based on, you
guessed it, quizzes. But the really interesting
bit is that they're maths nerds and have been
running a great blog pulling apart what they've
learned. We've linked it before but this week
we're loving their analysis that women are past
their dating prime by 31 and for men it's 36.
Really fascinating stuff, and also anyone in
marketing could do a lot worse than picking up
a few tips here - this is how to engage with an
audience.
http://snurl.com/itslaterthanyouthink
>> Loving shadyurl.com. Turn links shady! <<
With the rise of Twitter we've seen the
mainstreaming of URL-shortening services, but
what about one that makes links to your
mum's photos look as dodgy as fuck?
http://www.shadyurl.com/
>> She left me and I am a sad internet <<
Imagine our question of the week stuff if it
didn't have any jokes, took itself very
seriously and had some rather gorgeous
photography. Ladies and Gentlmens, this is
Pictory.
http://www.pictorymag.com/showcases/one-who-got-aw...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Where do the little men go when my computer is asleep?
>> Russian strap-on tank <<
Yes, we weren't expecting the title to take
quite that turn either. Anyway here's a fully
caterpillar-tracked chassis you can mount your
commuter car onto, then advance across the
tundra to Moscow.
http://tinyurl.com/yged6b8
>> Lacklustre tiger escape <<
News reporter just can't get excited about
Tokyo Zoo's 'escaped tiger' drill. And as for
the tiger... that's special.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Dogman eats dinner <<
Simple pleasures for simple minds, so we loled
out loud at this bit of basic dog-based foolery.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Making_a_dogs_dinner_of_...
>> Hexacopter <<
Unconventional, high-speed model flying machine
with six whirling blades. Inventors spend a
minute and a half demonstrating awesome
aerobatic coolness, then a further ten showing
how it can automatically hover in one location.
http://www.wimp.com/thehexacopter/
>> A brief history of everything <<
Spectacular lo-fi animation of the entire
history of the universe (best bits).
http://snurl.com/everythingflipbook
>> Trolling the principal <<
Smartarse teenagers Logan and Brandon deadpan
rings round their earnest highschool principal,
on some reality channel you've never heard of.
Like Ant & Dec when they were still young and
beautiful.
http://snurl.com/havefunatdinner
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Not available as a book
* KUM AND GO - babelglyph writes, "Friend of
mine on a business trip spotted this
conveniently-named convenience store." Take two
bottles into the shower? Not me, I just want
to...
http://www.kumandgo.com/
* MR PROPER WANG - Matt Gardner writes,
"Gentlemen, you're not going to BELIEVE the
name of the guy in charge of manufacturing
technology at Enics. Seriously, it has to be
seen to be believed."
http://snurl.com/mrproperwang
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: BONUS REAL WORLD CHALLENGE
Naughty shops
We noticed a handful of you had been sneaking
into shops and rearranging stuff to make rude
messages. We feel it's our moral duty to
encourage this sort of behaviour and have opened
a special challenge.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/naughtyshop/popular/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Greenwash Challenge
Last week we wanted you to sell us some
unlikely eco-friendly businesses
Your favourites included:
* FAGS - no matter how green you think you are,
the cigarette manufacturers are doing a better
job than you are (pete l'oaf)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9913788
* SLICK - every oil spill has a silver lining
(Snappyuk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9915417
* LEIA - even the Death Star succumbed to
pressure from the environmental lobby
(Barbarossa)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9913971
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/greenwash/
>> New challenge: Sci-Fi Advertising <<
Advertising is oddly absent in our favourite
space-based stories. Rectify this anomaly to
show us what Luke, Darth, Obi Wan, Jean-Luc,
Kirk, Spock, Riker, et al have sold to them
through the medium of advertising.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scifiadvertising/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* HISTORY-SPECIFIC EATING - Amos E Wolfe
writes, "How about the 1970s - 'Poppins', which
has several branches in the South East of
England has a menu (and colour scheme)
virtually unchanged since 1976, as can be seen
on their menus."
http://www.poppinsrestaurants.co.uk/menu.htm
* GOSH IS IT FUNNY, REALLY? Bernard writes,
"I've been reading your newsletter for a few
years now, and really enjoy it. I just wanted
to point out something about one of your video
posts in the latest (415) newsletter,
specifically the 20th Century Fox flute video.
It's actually a piece by a group called
'Jostiband', which happens to be composed out
of mentally-disabled people in the Netherlands.
I found it hilarious at first, but it became
slightly less funny when I realized who had
made it! I'm not sure this will change many of
your regular readers' opinions, but I just
wanted to make sure that you guys were aware."
http://www.jostiband.nl/opencms/en/theorchestra/mu...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Cyclomaniacs
"A silly but fun cycling game", writes
@edwardrussia, "I played it all week." And if
you like games with unlockable achievements
then gosh, is this the one for you.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/LongAnimals/cyclom...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* STAR AS AN EXTRA IN AS MANY FILMS AS POSSIBLE
FOR 1 YEAR AND WRITE A BOOK - prompted by
Fraser Lewry mentioning his cameo appearance 19
seconds into this trailer of East is East. He's
the long-haired gingery guy dancing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* THE EUROVISION HATE CONTEST - Noeaven Noel
asks, "Using the awesome power of babelfish and
google, can a script-wizard tell us which
country hates which international celebrity the
most in their own language? Apparently, Greece
thinks Bono is a cunt more than anywhere else."
* PEOPLE OF ASDA - Holly Would suggests,
"Following on from the success of People of
Wal-Mart, I believe a UK-based cousin is
required to showcase the weirdos seen enjoying
the rollbacks. Though it may be boring by
comparison."
Send cash contributions via the mail form.
Sorry, we mean links.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by john, Almar, Paul
Curry, Balloonhead, Martin P, @danielbevis,
Michelle Obama's Stalker, [usernamegoeshere],
@Pussstein, Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Subjectline negging
via Griffy Savalas. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Sickilols via rock hard.
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I'm testing a new font that only paedophiles
can read. How's it working so far?
We also filmed our Sickipedia 3.1 comedy night
which actually went really well, but we've had
a few snotty comments about the videos. Oh well.
http://www.robmanuel.com/2010/02/15/sickipedia-3-1...
