NEWSLETTER: "DON'T FORGET TO PUT YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD THIS WEEKEND!!"
This Week:
* INSANITY - Cyriak's loops
* JOY - Boobies & Kittens
* NOSTALGIA - Gif Heaven
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're cheating at
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| scrabble... online"
B3ta fax lols 419 - 11 Mar 2010
Upgrade your newsletter to version 3.6
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue419/
Winners: [email protected]
Whingers: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Line 6 POD Studio UX2 USB interface
We're trying to find the easiest way to record
electric guitars in Garageband and last week we
bought a £20 USB cable form Lindy. It was
shite, loads of latency and a crap, muffled
sound. This week we're pushing the boat out
financially and buying the extremely pricey
Line 6 UX2 - which promises to have no lag.
We'll see.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001EKECC...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Loops, Tits, Food and Porn Memorials
>> Looping madness <<
"Here's a new animation and tune I made,"
chirps Cyriak. "Enjoy!" By which he means sink
your mind with an increasingly complex,
proliferating horde of threatening teddy bears.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cycles
>> Tit map <<
"Obvious what this does really," explains
Toucan. Leverages the full power of Web 2.0 to
give a Twitter-based UK map showing where it's
warm enough for girls to show their breasts to
the naked sky. "Yes it's stalkery and pervy,"
says Toucan. "That's why I thought I should
post it on b3ta."
http://www.titmonday.com
>> Random meals <<
"I have a problem," confesses Nairn. "I buy
cookery books but never ever use them. It
culminated in January with me buying 11 books
simultaneously. So what I've decided to do is
take one book a day in to work, then have
someone randomly pick a page and I'll eat for
dinner whatever that recipe is. Here's the
result:"
http://randommeals.blogspot.com/
>> The 71st Adult Film Awards: In Memoriam <<
We've had the Oscars and the Baftas, now "the
bongo movie biz celebrates the lives of those
they lost this past year," intones a solemn
ratbanjos.
http://snurl.com/adultoscars
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Letters they'll never read
Last week we wanted your apologies, anger,
declarations of love; the things you want to
say to people, but can't or didn't get the
chance to. Prepare to laugh and cry. Mostly
cry:
http://b3ta.com/questions/letterstheywillneverread...
Meanwhile here's two cats and a twat:
* DEAR TOM DAVEY, RSC member, actor, thesp,
luvvie, resident of Hackney. I'm sorry. I'm
sorry Tom that we share very similar email
addresses. I'm sorry I get a lot of your
emails, and I'm sorry that when I forward them
on to that you don't ever thank me. I'm sorry
you did Hamlet (or Macbeth) with David Tennant
and Patrick Stewart. I'm sorry that your
assistant director mails me your call sheets
instead of you. I'm further sorry that they
also include the email addresses, and phone
numbers of the other cast members. And the
details of their drivers, their mobile numbers
and times and locations to pick everyone up for
'shoots'. I'm sorry that I inadvertently
redirected Patrick Stewart & David Tennant's
drivers to pick you up from Soho, at 5pm, on a
Friday, when they should have picked you up
from Stanstead. I'm sorry it had to come to
that. Also, that new central heating boiler you
had installed? They threatened you with
bailiffs so I told them, and I quote, "Keep
your fucking boiler, I'm not paying. You can
come and rip it out of the house - even if you
have to kick the fucking doors down. I'm not
giving you a penny." I hope you have a jumper.
(I have run out of coke)
* DEAR MR SCHRODINGER, We are pleased/sorry to
inform you that Mr Tibbles is fine/no longer
with us. Please call if/when you observe this
message. Yours, Parrot Docs Veterinary Centre
(Bootsthealchemist)
* DEAR CAT, I'm sorry, cat. For sicking on that
bush you were sleeping in, and making you run
out scared. (moogman)
* BONUS GOLDACRE MENTION - special attention
also must go to this plea to Dr Ben Goldacre -
remember this was "letters they'll never read",
well Ben did read it and actually replied:
http://b3ta.com/questions/letterstheywillneverread...
>> This Week's Question <<
Ever had some kwality healthcare?. Tell us your
doctor, nurse, dentist and hospital stories
here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/matron/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Teaching kids about gay romance <<
Last year mom and dad divorced. Dad now lives
with his friend Frank. If you've never read one
of these 'homosexuality is a fact of life'
kids' books, that The Daily Mail gets ever-so
excited about, now is your chance.
http://snurl.com/mytwodads
>> Is this what Heaven really looks like? <<
For a certain generation of long-in-the-tooth
web nerds there has never been a better
depiction of Heaven.
http://heaven.internetarchaeology.org/heaven.html#bottom
>> Piggyback art <<
Eddie Breen takes crap art found in junk shops
and paints on top of it. In his own words, "Art
can neither be good or bad, only interesting or
boring." We're going to try to remember that
quote as it's spot on.
http://www.eddiebreen.com/
>> 90s tech ads revisited <<
Tech nostalgia is powerful stuff, and this
magic collection of old adverts from the pages
of Wired makes us very happy indeed.
Particularly love the MiniDisc recorder "I CAN
RECORD ON A DISC!" Caps and punctuation are
here to sell the sheer enthusiasm of a
Sienfield-esque hipster who's enraptured by the
awesome tech.
http://www.wiredreread.com/
>> Toyota Simulator <<
It's pretty realistic. Just wait for it to
load, then use arrow keys to control the car.
http://toyotasimulator.com/
>> Wiki perve <<
He's been at it for three years, but shameless
Wikipedia legend Richiex shows no sign of
slowing down in his, er, contributions. He's
just helpfully measured his balls for all to
see. No, don't click the link - that's what he
wants! NSFW!!! NSFW!!! NSFW!!! NSFW!!!
http://snurl.com/specialcontributions
>> Flame Artworks Gallery <<
Funky web art tool that lets you draw with what
appears to be magical fairy flames. Very pretty
indeed.
http://www.escapemotions.com/experiments/flame/#top
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Man proposes via LoLCat view!
This enterprising young man combined cats, lols
and true love. He proposed to his girlfriend
via a LOLCat view - and she said yes. Yaaaay!
We look forward to seeing the divorce papers
served in similar style.
http://snurl.com/loloflove
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine jpegs that moved, and sound too
>> Boobies & Kittens <<
Title says it all really. NSFW if your
employers are SEXISTS who have some sort of
problem with the tastefully-attired female
form. In which case you should probably sue
them for making you miss this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boobies_Kittens
>> Make a CGI scrotum <<
Detailed tutorial on how to make a
nauseatingly-detailed 3D hairy ball-sack. This
is how they tea-bag you at Pixar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Just a girl brushing her teeth... <<
Unexpected quick change routine made us giggle.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Just_a_girl_brushing_her...
>> YouTube closes down for the night <<
Cute piece, harks back to a bygone age of
late-night telly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/YouTube_Closes_Down_For_...
>> Trumpet sniping <<
Sniggering man hides himself along the route of
a massive brass band parade. When the moment is
right, he lets rip with his rusty old
out-of-tune trumpet.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Norwegian_trumpeting_lol...
>> For those with a short attention span <<
What's the best thing about twenty five second
films? There's twenty of them!
http://snurl.com/5secondtop20
>> How to take profile pics <<
Funny/cute/true camera spot, about the tricks
people can pull to look good to their social
networking chums.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Yeah_its_an_advert_ok
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
As welcome as cancer on your penis
* GOOGLE MAPS FUN - Dan writes, "This may or
may not please you - stumbled across it when
checking out a cottage I stayed in - some wag
has written 'CLUNGE TASTES GREAT' in 10 foot
high letters on a St Ives beach. RESPECT."
http://snurl.com/clungetastesgreat
* AGE OF CONSENT LOLS - bilton06 writes,
"Someone is petitioning for the age of consent
for homosexuals to be raised to 21. However,
just take a close look at some of the names...
Lady Cumslurp-Bucketminge, Bumface McGoaty and
Lord Huffington of Feltchingham." Gosh - isn't
the internet full of merry funsters?
http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/gay-consent/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Superheroes in history
Last week we wanted you to take a superhero and
do some mad anachronism shit with it.
Faves picked by us include:
* SUPERMAN AT 9/11 - poor old Clark Kent, it's
morally wrong for him to have time off, or
sleep even. (Happy Shopper)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9946842
* HONG KONG FUEY VS BAYEUX TAPESTRY - bet this
is in your head now, "Hong Kong Phooey, number
one super guy. Hong Kong Phooey, quicker than
the human eye." You'll be on YouTube next
watching the titles. (Hummel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9946856
* IRON MAN vs SUITS OF ARMOUR - although we
haven't actually bothered watching this film
and wondered if this was meant to be The
Terminator or The Cylons from Battlestar. Which
goes to show that this stuff is pretty
interchangeable, or we don't know jack shit
about sci-fi. Probably the the later.
(HappyToast )
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9944876
Faves as voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/superheroesinhistory...
>> New challenge: Opposite films <<
Your flamed-haired despot Rob thought up the
challenge this week, partly out of a gag about
turning Fight Club into a porno by, instead of
fighting, having people do the sex thing.
Anyway, it's a movie challenge which means you
won't be short of visual material to work from.
So have fun you crazy kids:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/oppositefilms/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MOONING STREETVIEW - "Fuck me," ejaculates
Pat, "Dunno if you remember me telling you
about this a year ago... BUT IT WORKED!!!"
One year ago: "The Google Streetview car came
down my mate’s road tonight. One swift phone
call later and there’s plenty of B3ta inspired
ass lining the street. The bloke in the Google
car found it amusing. Especially when he
realised he had to turn round and come right
back out of the lane!"
Check it out!
http://snurl.com/googlemapsthemoon
* HOMEOPATHY - "I was looking up information on
Homeopathy," explains Ginger_Whinger, "and I
found this. I'll admit, I laughed."
http://www.howdoeshomeopathywork.com/
* JONTI RIP-OFF? - Dunno why we're bothering
with a question mark there, as this furniture
ad was clearly inspired by Badge Badger Badger.
Jonti himself says "Hmmm." We hope they pay him
off with a nice new sofa.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* SPEAKING OF JONTI - Jazz version of Jonti's
classic equine opus. "Everyone else and their
mother seems to be doing covers and remixes of
this," volunteers Jonti. "I figured I might as
well join in too." Nice.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Jazz+Horse/
* PANTS IN THE POST - In our 'Things We'd Like
to See' section, we asked for "fresh underwear
delivered everyday through your letterbox."
Thing is, we asked that in 2004. Thanks to
Peter Davison, for this suggestion marking the
longest amount of time we've ever had to wait
for our dreams to come true.
http://www.manpacks.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WORDS NOT CONTAINED IN TUBE NAMES - neal_work
says, "Pimlico is the only Underground station
which does not contain any of the letters in the
word 'badger'. But then I wondered if any other
word will work in the same way. Turns out, one
does.I can say (and prove if necessary) that
Pimlico is the only London Underground station
(out of 307) which does not share ANY letters
with the phrase 'Kunt and the Gang's Shaven
Havens'." Hmm, sounds like someone should write
a web app that lets you test words. Someone?
Anyone?
* REALISTIC LONDON CAB SIMULATOR - Add a photo
of a black cab to Google StreetView and a few
audio samples of a cockney blethering about
"bloody darkies" and job done.
* FIGHT OR RUN . COM - Like hotornot but with
photos of blokes and you have to rate whether
you'd fight them or run from them. Possibly
homoerotic now we think about it, but we've
occasionally played this game whilst walking
down the street.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by benvenuto,
spacemanjason, cr3, ru, Darklord, kviolet84,
DaveL, Hellzapoppin, igotdamaged, Leonards,
@robertpopper, planearm, chthonic,
Proboscisface, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers!
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via twig. We also liked "READ IT NOW
BEFORE THE DIGITAL ECONOMY BILL BANS WORDS"
from Mighty Nibus but decided that the clock
gag would cause more trouble, and we're super
cool rebels.
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Seriously worried about my birthday in a few
years time. Apparently at 40 there's an 80%
chance I'll kill a child. (hairychod)
http://www.sickipedia.org/
