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This Week:
* VID - Flip flops
* COSTUME - Death Star
* ANIMALS - Riot Dog

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "B3ta is planning a     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   coalition newsletter
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      with NTK"

B3ta email 428 - 14 May 2010

Print this issue and read it on the bog:

 Lovely people:  [email protected]
Awful bastards:  [email protected]

  Win money! £2000 of the stuff. 

  Sty TV is searching for the funniest double act
  since Cameron and Clegg. Upload a short clip
  showing your skills - if the public and judges
  love it, you'll get your own web TV show and
  £2,000. Also, vote for your favourites for a
  chance to win an Apple iPad. 

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Flip Flops, Death Star, PM Letter & Sea Slugs

  >> Flip Flops <<
  "I'm surprised how long it's taken me to make a
  film about the old comedy staple of slipping on
  a banana skin," bleats Sheep! This is a lovely
  bit of footwear-based whimsy. If flip-flops had
  an ad budget he'd be getting paid right now.

  >> Creation of the Death Star <<
  "This is what I envisage Darth Vader had in
  mind when he created the Death Star a long time
  ago, in a galaxy far far away," says pdjpdj,
  who is a funny, silly man. "I can only just fit
  out the front door with it on. It would look
  rather cool as I cycled to work, but I don't
  like the idea of x-fighters attacking my
  exhaust port!"

  >> So, a new Prime Minister eh? <<
  "I've written David Cameron a welcome letter,"
  remarks Dan Bull. "Thanks to numerous YouTubers
  and B3tans for the footage." Politics is
  just-about holding our interest for now. We
  were disappointed Cameron & Clegg didn't use
  that joint press conference to tear away their
  unconvincing human masks and fire heat rays
  into the screaming crowd.

  >> Sea Slug Science Time <<
  Joel & crew combine Look Around You-style
  retro-science with their usual heavy metal
  stylings. Worth it for the Veitchster's
  leather-clad rock moves.



  Last week we asked about tits. We were pleasantly
  surprised to find only half the answers were, "I
  love tits, me." The rest are really rather good:

  * ATTENTION - "Sgt Major Wobbly-Gob came to give
   Camouflage And Concealment training to a group
   of new recruits. They'd buddied up, applied the
   camouflage cream and done their best to break up
   shape and outline before heading out on their
   first exercise in woodland and meadow. Sgt Maj
   Wobbly-Gob was teaching them how to reduce
   noise: anything excessive in your pockets was
   to be removed. Wobbly went the line and got them
   to jump to check for noise. Then he gets to a
   recruit with a very lumpy combat jacket indeed.
   In fact something was sticking the breast pockets
   way out in front of the rest of the recruit.
   Wobbly was incensed! "What the fuck are those?"
   he shouts as he outstretches both palms and 
   gives the pockets a firm squeeze. The recruit, in
   her best I'm-a-girl-trying-to-sound-like-a-soldier
   voice shouted back, "Tits, Sir!". Wobbly went
   redder than a red thing and soon had something
   more urgent to attend to."
   (Piper Alpha)
  * DETERMINATION - "I breast-fed a cat. Not on
   purpose, though. It was in the early days of
   my first baby being born and things were a bit
   leaky around the boob area. One of our cats
   had selfishly had kittens a couple of weeks
   beforehand and they were just beginning to
   stumble about and get in the bloody way. One
   morning I was awoken to a sharp pain on the
   boob - one of the kittens had managed to crawl
   up onto the bed, over the baby and latched on
   to my left tit with its nasty sharp teeth. To
   get it off I had to prise open its jaw with
   a pencil."
  * INFLAMMATION - "I dated a girl with eczema... 
   Nice breasts, cracking nipples."

  >> This Week's Question: Expensive weekends <<
  What's the most expensive weekend you've been
  on? Was it deliberate, criminal or were you just
  plain desperate to get somewhere at any cost?
  Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Home-made Death Ray <<
  Rob from Cockeyed is best known for his "how
  much is in that?" experiments, where he does
  stuff like see how long a video tape is. We
  hadn't previously caught this one from 2007
  where he sticks lots of mirrors to a satellite
  dish to create a death ray. Impressive stuff
  that kept us reading over 15 pages.

  >> Hybrid photo/drawings <<
  Bored this weekend? Then take a photo, draw a
  bit of it by hand and then take another photo
  holding the drawing over real life. Sounds
  complex? It won't be once you look at the pics.

  >> It's like dropping acid, but not <<
  If you've never taken LSD then you are very
  sensible, but one of the effects is visual
  distortion where solid objects get a bit
  wobbly. It's as if everything in the universe
  was made of a soft, undulating plasticine.
  In fact, it looks a lot like this:

  >> Riot Dog <<
  Some dog that keeps turning up on riots - is it
  specially selected photos? A dog owned by some
  crusty who goes to everything? Or just a dog
  that likes a good scrap? You decide.

  >> David Cameron side profile <<
  Google images, first result. *checks* Nope,
  third result now. Fuck it, who cares - this
  link is everywhere now.


  Like cartoons but with real people

  >> Crap yo-yo man <<
  A crap yo-yo bloke has been appearing on
  American TV - he tells the producers he's a
  world champion but when he turns up he's
  utterly useless. The joy is in the
  embarrassment of the host. Is this marketing
  for a yo-yo? A new comedian who's worked out a
  unique way to promote himself? Or is Andy
  Kaufman truly not dead?

  >> Kittens in autotune <<
  Does what it says on the tin. BTW: Somebody
  should go round a zoo and autotune the
  different animals. We'd like to hear an
  autotuned elephant. Actually it could be like
  those "Does it blend?" ads -"Elephants. But do
  they autotune?"

  >> Beatbox Dog Reloaded <<
  Of course - what the beatbox needed was to be
  synced with the trolalala bloke.

  >> How to use a urinal <<
  We can't understand why so many people have a
  problem with this video - this is exactly what
  we do every time.

  >> Best Wedding DJ Evar <<
  Who hasn't wanted to slap a fat old woman's
  tits in time to Phil Collins's famous drum fill
  from In The Air Tonight. If this was Cadbury's
  new advertising campaign we'd take up chocolate

  >> Pretty Iceland volcano time-lapse vid <<
  Apparently there's been a volcano in Iceland -
  we wouldn't know as we've been too busy
  giggling about Clegg and Cameron writing their
  own civil partnership vows. Anyway stick this
  full screen and go wowoowowo.


  If funny means 'shit' then call this place home

  * GAY POWER! - Holly Would writes, "I know the
  funny name corner of the newsletter is not your
  most prized but I saw this and it made me
  smile, especially as she described herself as a
  Conservative voter."

  * SPLENDID ALFONSINO - ben_dadds writes, "There's
  something about the name Splendid Alfonsino
  that sounds like something you'd expect to find
  on 'specialist' websites. However, turns out
  its just a fish."


  It still needs saving apparently

  Seb Brennan writes -
  "This is your fellow Kentish Townian, Seb. You
  kindly featured my band's video of a giant
  hamster running amok many years ago, and you
  and Lucy graciously invited me round for tea,
  which was lovely.

  "I'm currently on the organising committee for
  the Save BBC 6Music group, and I wondered if
  you could put a plug in the newsletter for the
  demo we've got coming up outside Broadcasting
  House on the Saturday 22nd May?

  "If you'd like a linkyLOL to substantiate this
  blatant plug, have a look at the lovely Lego
  video that's been made to accompany Adam
  Buxton's rather brilliant reworking of Bowie's
  'Changes' in support of the 6 cause."


  Results from the Ross Kemp Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to photoshop celebrated
  baldy Ross Kemp.

  Your favourites included:
  * HOMO - Ross gets dirty with his
  ground-breaking new series (Pandemonium in my

  * HEAD - like Being John Malkovich, but with
  more cockneys (mr.dogshit)

  * HAGUE - in which moon-faced posho David
  Cameron strides the corridors of power with his
  goons (2 Can Chunder)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Fake Science <<
  Fake science can be fun. So fire up Photoshop
  and provide some more to educate the masses,
  using the power of your imagination to show us
  how stuff doesn't really work


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * JOEL AND MICROSOFT - last week we mentioned
  an ad in The Metro that features Joel's rock
  kittens. Fresh back from ROFLCon, he replies,
  "Sorry, a bit late answering this, but the
  answer is yes I OK'd that. Will be very
  interested to see if I flog any extra t-shirts
  on the back of it."

  * YOUR CRAP OLD WEBSITE - just a quick mention
  that Monkeon is taking his reviews of old
  websites rather seriously and updating them
  regularly. Latest entry is an enjoyable
  contrast between comedian Peter Kay's site back
  in the day: run by a nerdy friend of his, more
  interested in technology than comedy; and now -
  a juggernaut of on-brand promotion.

  * WEIRD CRYING MAN REMIX - Leemondus writes,
  "Thought I'd do a quick Betty's Hotpot and
  mash-up on this."

  * GENDER ERROR - El Stevo writes, "The
  overhand guitar-playing woman isn't a woman.
  The user has more videos featuring THE MAN
  Ronnie." Still it makes a change - we often get
  it the other way round and assume our
  contributors are male, when in fact some of
  them are transgendered. And that video again:


  Plants Vs Zombies

  Being bleeding edge technology nerds can
  sometimes leave you behind the times. Case in
  point - we were early adopters on the iPhone
  but, because of network contract issues, we got
  a cracked one off eBay. Great, but it meant
  when Apple upgraded the OS it was tricky for us
  to follow suit. So we were left with a phone
  that would only load about 1 application in 20
  and we gave up on the app store. To cut a dull
  story short, we've fixed it and now gone iPhone
  gaming mental, catching up on all the games
  that people were praising in, ooh, 2008? And to
  add our voice to the throngs - Plants Vs
  Zombies is an addictive twist on the Tower
  Defence genre that has wasted half our week
  sitting on the bog shooting zombies. Linky goes
  to flash version.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * L.E.D PAVING STONES - so shoppers can
  recreate the Billie Jean video whilst walking
  around Wolverhampton's Mander Centre.

  * DIGITAL INK TATTOOS - get your Twitter feed
  on your forehead. Ideal for people to call you
  cunt in a meeting.

  * PENIS MEDUSA - a lady with penises for hair
  instead of snakes. Don't get her angry.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Fraser,
  Wanderer, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers!
  Top tippery by krang. Subjlols by Mighty Nibus. 
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.


  If you lose the rubber tips for your in-ear
  headphones simply slice a stoned black olive in
  half, and use that instead. (krang)


  Unbelievable. Tories in power for less than
  half an hour and already a Scottish family is
  unemployed and homeless. (babyballoon)

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