NEWSLETTER: "THIS WEEK CONTAINING AN ASCII PIC OF MOHAMMED"
This Week:
* ANIM - The Horn of Bunty
* ABC - For geeks
* MUSIC - Toy trumpet virtuoso
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're annoyed the Tories
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | aren't going to repeal
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| DEAct... together"
B3ta email 429 - 21 May 2010
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue429/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
The Cure - Disintegration
Seeing as we haven't flogged an ad, then
tradition dictates we link to the last item we
bought on Amazon. Rather excited by this 3-disc
reissue of one of the best albums of the 80s.
Yeah we could probably just grab a torrent but
we fancy the nice shiny disc. Also worth
checking out is the preview site with extra
demos and Roger O'Donnell's extensive notes on
the recording of the album available on his
site. /Sad old goth blog over.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00318EDD...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Simon Says, Robots, Blackboard and ABCs
>> The Horn of Bunty <<
"Just a bit of fun with Doctor Simon CUHNT!"
explodes noznikrap. Inventive, musical, NSFW -
play along!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Horn_of_Bunty
>> Sexy Robots <<
Weeble writes, "It is the future and all music
is made by robots. Sexy robots." This is 100%
HOTTTT robot-on-robot interface procedure.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Sexy+Robots/
>> Bart's Blackboard <<
"Here is a little project I've done," glees MC.
"Every line Bart Simpson ever put on the
Springfield blackboard, written on the walls of
our office." We were amused to note that two
actors play Bart in this. A skinny guy who's
better at skating and a fat bloke who's
better at writing!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Barts_Blackboard
>> Geek ABC <<
"Hey guys!" greets geekpub. "We recently
published the ABC of geekdom, illustrating each
letter with Creative Commons pictures. When you
read them all together, they make a really
geeky poem!" This is the very best kind of
poetry - ie. it rhymes.
http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2010/05/13/the-geek-al...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Expensive Weekends
Spending a lot of money can be great if you
want to do it. Not so great when it is forced
upon you just to get home. Laugh at debt here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/expensiveweekends/
* MOUSED - "The Wynn Hotel, Las Vegas, NV - one
of the finest places on this earth. They have a
new club there called 'XS', which is built
around a huge, shallow swimming pool, which
without fail, 100s of scantily clad American
bimbo wannabes throw themselves into every
night. The trick is to hire a cabana by the
water's edge, so the dripping wet girls have a
place to enter and exit the pool; they really
appreciate the free towels and drinks that
cabana owners can supply them with. My mate and
I hired a cabana and put down a $1000 min
drinks tab with my Amex card. What a night. We
were outnumbered 8-1 by desperate, stunning,
nubile girls. They LOVED our cabana, they
ordered vodka by the bottle and champagne by
the magnum. My friend and I sat there
resplendent, the stars of our very own hip-hop
video, fully satisfied at such a wonderful,
short-lived fantasy. But all good things must
come to an end. And end they did, with the
addition of a $2,400 drinks bill. The waitress
brought my card on a silver tray and asked me
to sign, I drunkenly pointed to my far drunker
mate, who grabbed the receipt and duly signed
it. I was too pissed to care. Plus one of the
girls had accepted my invitation to come use
one of the luxuriant Wynnn bathrobes that I had
in my room... The next day, we struggled to
remember our total bill. A brief search of my
mate's wallet found the copy receipt and the
enormity of our overspend hit home. But closer
inspection of it revealed a get out clause. I
immediately called Amex and complained that I'd
misplaced my card between 1am and 6am,
somewhere in the greater Las Vegas area. Back
home I was sent a pack by Amex. It contained a
list of all my expenditure during that time,
plus photocopies of my signed receipts. And
there it was. The biggie. A receipt for
$2,400.00 spent at XS Club, Wynn Hotel. Agreed
and signed by a 'Mr M. Mouse Esq.' They
re-credited every cent onto my next statement."
(Albert Marshmallow)
* TROUSERED - "I used to live in Brighton and
there were a few hills in the area that people
used to paraglide from. It looked great,
soaring around like a bird high above the
clouds. So I went down to the paragliding shop
and took their beginner deal: for £2k you got
lessons until you passed and your 'wing' all
included in the price. You only got your wing
once you'd passed your test and got your
certificate. I learnt as much as I could about
it but every weekend it was pissing down with
rain. It was a few months till it was finally
the perfect day, not too windy, not too wet. I
was shown how to strap myself in and I stood on
the edge of the hill. The old instructor dude
was holding on to my trousers and saying 'I
daren't let you go until you've had a bit more
experience.' Then it started raining. The next
day the company went bust. So two grand to
stand on a hill with an old dude holding my
trousers..." (browser)
* PARKED - "Friend of my wife's used to get all
sorts of stick from her boyfriend about her
parking ability. Back in January 2008 while out
shopping she'd managed to reverse into a pillar
in a carpark, bashing out the rear lights on
one side of her car. Approximate cost: £150.
Her boyfriend gave her the usual exasperated
lecture about how she should be more careful
and that spending £150 to repair this kind of
damage was a waste of money, especially so soon
after Christmas. A few days later he was part
of the flight crew that stacked a 150-tonne
Boeing 777 into the tarmac at Heathrow.
Approximate cost: £150,000,000. He's no longer
allowed to criticise her parking." (e_logic)
>> This Week's Question: Best advice <<
We'd like the best advice you've been given.
Beckon us over to your deathbed and whisper
to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/goodadvice/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Extreme body mods bloke <<
Interview with a young man about his
modifications. Contains cock and balls and
whatnot. Although loads of people say they
don't regret their tattoos, we wonder if you
can find ANYONE who says, "I wish I'd got more
tattoos when I was younger. They'd be looking
really shit by now. Wicked."
http://snurl.com/twatsyeah
>> Banana facts <<
Hey you! Yes you! Put down that banana and look
at it - did you know it's a sterile hybrid that
can't reproduce? It's the mule of the fruit
kingdom and what's more, every single one is a
clone - just like those nice Aryan Hitler
children in The Boys from Brazil.
http://snurl.com/bananafuck
>> All your botnet are belong to us <<
Long, long read here - all about a rather
frightening internet worm called Conficker
which has infected millions of computers and
nobody knows what it's for. If we were a
terrorist state we'd probably try to buy it
and use it to bring down half the internet.
What we're saying - it's interesting to
speculate what this might be all about.
http://snurl.com/biglongread
>> The new digital sweatshops <<
Crowdsourced web 2.0 stuff means there's
millions of people out there willing to work
for pennies. These people will be your online
bitches for $5 a go. Our favourite one is the
guy who lives on a beach and will take a photo
of your message drawn in sand. fiverr - things
people will do for a fiver.
http://www.fiverr.com/
>> Dr Wakefield/MMR scare explained ... <<
Paging Dr Ben Goldacre, Paging Dr Ben Goldacre,
here's a comic book version of the MMR story
for those too lazy to read Bad Science. Frankly
Ben's publisher should do a deal here and do
comic versions of Goldacre's work for the kids'
market - it would sell like cocaine at a
Bullingdon club party.
http://tallguywrites.livejournal.com/148012.html
>> Shit my kids ruined <<
Hey 30-something childless readers. You know
that cool flat you've finally made look
perfect? Once you have kids, all this is
FUCKED. Trust us; we're already there. We've
lost one old VCR to toast insertion, three DVD
players and we've aged about 15 years in the
last five. Woo hoo!
http://shitmykidsruined.com/
>> Abandoned Russian wooden house <<
Perez Hilton has just flogged his web bollocks
for $20m, and if a rich fool made us a similar
offer for B3ta then we're living here:
http://snurl.com/ournewhouseyeah
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but with a big sideways Qwerty remote
>> Bestest birthday ever <<
If you don't have a big smile after watching
this then there's something wrong with you.
(Actually, we only smile at others' misfortune.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bestest_birthday_ever
>> The Empire Strikes Back (1950) <<
Another nice little 'premake'. You have to
admire the production effort that's gone
into this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Empire_Strikes_back_...
>> Important First Aid video <<
Want to know how to do CPR? Well, these cheesy
Lynx deodorant ad-style lezzers will get your
pulse racing again. Quite how advertising has
got so sexist again is one for the polyversity
types.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Important_first_aid_vide...
>> Toy trumpet virtuoso <<
Blokey plays old rave tune on a toy trumpet
whilst his stoner mates gasp and giggle.
You'll be wanting to practise this too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: PLUG FOR FAMOUS MAGAZINE BLOKE
James Brown - founder of genre-defining mens'
mag Loaded) writes -
"There are few good paper magazines around any
more so I thought I'd create something that was
a bit like Jack online, that we could update
from anywhere. Spent years surfing so I thought
I'd try and turn it into something productive
all in one place. Our motto? We can't
concentrate, so why should you? Could we have a
link on B3TA newsletter tomorrow? Would make a
big difference in our early days." Oh go on then!
http://snurl.com/saboyeah
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Fake Science Challenge
Last week we wanted you to tell us the untruth
about science
Your favourites included:
* EVERYTHING - the universe explained via the
medium of moon, penguin, bacon and Popemobile
(spinoza)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10045778
* EARTHQUAKE - sometimes the science is much
simpler than you think (Mu)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10045667
* POLAR - the most convincing explanation
of global warming we've yet seen. Deny
and die (Monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10050286
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fakescience/
>> New challenge: Wenlock & Mandeville <<
"Wenlock and Mandeville will help inspire kids
to strive to be the best they can be." That's
what officials are saying about London's
Olympic mascots. We're saying Photoshop them.
Mercilessly.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascots/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TAN ACTUALLY READS AN AD WE RUN - Fluffy
elephants writes, "Some of my friends entered
that Sty TV competition. I can't link to their
actual entry but you can watch it by clicking
on the link and then going on 'Chantelle and
Stacey's Showreel'. If you feel like being nice
you can check it out and vote for them. Or just
watch their Lady GaGa & Beyonce - Telephone
Parody. Oh, also mildly NSFW due to swears and
girls in their underwear."
http://www.stytv.co.uk/vote.php
* PENIS MEDUSA - "Been done a few times
already" points out notorious spoilsport
Captain Freedom.
http://www.pileup.com/babyart/blog/
* WE READ EVERYTHING YOU SEND US BUT SOMETIMES
A BIT LATE - "Hi B3ta," writes Bela Lugosi's
Dad, a few weeks ago, "I've been doing this blog
showcasing unfortunate political (or sporting)
photo-ops for a while, and just today have
decided to name the phenomena 'billboardbombs'
in a vain attempt to secure a place in history.
Could you possibly pimp it in the newsletter
this Friday, the last before polling day?"
http://conferencepear.blogspot.com/
* B3TA IN THE PAPERS - people pull their hair
out trying to think of amazing creative ideas
but the truth is timing is everything. By a
happy stroke of luck the Olympics timed the
announcement of their new mascots for
approximately the time we announce our new
challenge - about 7:00pm on Weds. We knew
whatever they picked it would be a source of
mockery, so we made our challenge "photoshop
the mascots." By the next day we were in at
least three major UK papers. Well done B3tans!
http://snurl.com/thestandardb3ta
http://snurl.com/telegraphb3ta
http://snurl.com/dailymailb3ta
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: FRIDAY GAME
Electric Box
We've lost our life to shitty iPhone games and
our current obsession is Electric Box - a
visually lacklustre take on the early 90s
classic The Impossible Machine. We're up to
about level 28 and we keep going for extra
shits as an excuse to play more. Linky goes to
flash version.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/TwinkleStarGames/e...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* THE ARTIFICIAL CREATION OF LIFE - oh
bollocks, J. Craig Venture has got there first.
Maybe B3tans can raise the dead?
* HETROSEXUAL PEOPLE COMING OUT - Agent Muu
suggests, "let's test the testicular fortitude
of the newsletter's readers: b3tards set up a
hidden camera and record themselves sitting
their parents down and telling them they're
gay. Obviously this will be funnier if most of
the videos are done by straight people. Just
think of the wide range of reactions, and the
portrait it would paint of the state of
tolerance in today's world (or lack thereof).
It'll be exactly like Borat, except replacing
Borat with being gay."
* A GUIDE TO BUMMING - written by a cat.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Evil Lu, Pew Pew
Pew! Lasers! Herb Alpert's Taxi driver,
FishNChimps, @trullock, jakedamusss, Abe
Baginsky, Bliss/Full, iowaseven.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Sickijoke nicked from wonderbrawl. This new "in
private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is
rubbish. Everyone in the internet cafe can
still see me wanking.
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TOP TIP:
Don't bother reading The Times, The Sun or The
Daily Mail.
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This issue is dedicated to Jessie.
http://b3ta.com/board/10050833
