NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT GETS A WORSE RECEPTION THAN AN IPHONE 4"
This Week:
* SEXY BOOBS - You will be very aroused
* CUTE - Kitten riding tortoise
* YOUR NEW PET - The Immortal Dog
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're having
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | a stranglewank
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ...together"
B3ta e-fax 434 - 25 June 2009+1
This is a download from a BBC micro:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue434/
Cake! [email protected]
Dog shit [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Her Fearful Symmetry
As is tradition when we don't sell an ad, our
last purchase on Amazon was the Audrey
Niffenegger novel Her Fearful Symmetry. Best
known as the author of the rather ace The Time
Travellers Wife - it's received mixed reviews,
partly we suspect as at the core it's not a
romantic love story. But still, it's keeping us
gripped to the end, and it's one of the few
books we've seen that has a ghost cat in it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/022408561...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than using socks as tissues
>> Sexy boobs <<
Feast your eyes on a sexy treat via b3tard
BrokenToaster.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sexy_boobs
>> Behind the scenes with drunken David Attenborough <<
The bedraggled national treasure bemoans his
dreadful working conditions, as he squats,
drinking, in a tent on location. This is, of
course, the work of highly-talented Terry
Mynott, who also has a new Channel 4 series
coming soon.
http://snurl.com/david-attenborough-drunk
>> Odd retro interview <<
One for more mature readers, as Matt Casey
tracks down and interviews John Bartlett, the
producer of oddball quiz show 3-2-1 as well as
The New Statesman. Q: Is it time for a sequel
to ‘The New Statesman’? A: There was a sequel to
Alan B’Stard. It was called Tony Blair, but it
wasn’t quite as believable and certainly not as
funny!
http://snurl.com/interview321
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Sticking it to The Man
Nothing feels better than getting one over on
faceless bureaucracy. Well, lots of sexytime
things do, but you know what we mean:
http://b3ta.com/questions/theman/
* STEP LACK - "My Nan was plagued with endless
phone-calls from pedlars and snake oil salesmen
who like to prey on the elderly and vulnerable.
I signed her up to the TPS and that cut a lot
of them out, but some of these bastards just
don't quit. One company that was particularly
virulent kept trying to sell her a stair-lift.
In the end she just gave up, talked to the guy
about her hip replacement for half and hour and
how it'd certainly help to have a stair-lift to
get up stairs. Instantly one of their goons
came round to give her the hard sell and quote
for installing a spanking new stair-lift... in
her bungalow. They never called again. We miss
you, Nan xx" (Draconacticus)
* SPUD SACK - "Sick to death as my father was
of receiving unsolicited CDs from the ISP
'FreeServe' he decided to do something about
it. On the wallet that houses the CD was a bit
of small print that said, 'If you don't want
this CD, you can return it to us free of charge
at the following address.' So that's what he
did. He posted the CD back to them. After first
stapling it to a large bag of spuds. These
freepost addresses charge based on the weight
of the parcel received." (Mullered)
* CASH BACK - "I paid my speeding fine with my
Tesco Credit Card. So in fact crime does pay.
It pays in clubcard points." (Weejock)
>> This Week's Question: Unfinished business <<
Ever started something and then sort of wandered
off and never really got that back into it and
it was sort of boring anyway and, oh, whatever,
talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unfinishedbusiness/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Extremely creepy Michael Jackson drawings <<
Not sure which are the most disturbing, the
crude scrawls, Jacko angels, kissing children
or the ones that fall into the uncanny valley
of 'That one's not so bad really.. wait, oh my
God he has some sort of fucking robotic
molesting arm!"
http://snurl.com/yourartisgreat
>> Lost cat shenanigans <<
Curmudgeonly David Thorne is asked to make a
poster for a colleague's missing cat. He does
not like cats.
http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html
>> Jobs v Gates <<
Smug old rich dudes Steve Jobs and Bill Gates
congratulate each other, in a series of text on
photo comic strips. Like a nerdier Waldorf and
Statler.
http://www.sadanduseless.com/2010/05/steve-jobs-vs...
>> Soothing vuvuzela <<
The meme that will never die, until the 11th
July. Yes, you can buy a CD of vuvuzela sounds.
Yes, there are amusing reviews.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003HBN9DY/b3ta-2...
>> Get Frank Sidebottom to Number 1 <<
Cult comedy star Frank Sidebottom (aka Chris
Sievey) sadly passed away this week. A bunch of
his mates are trying to get Frank's World Cup
song 'Three Shirts on my Line' into the Top 40,
as a fitting tribute to the great man. Frank
first appeared on the B-side of a ZX Spectrum
game he wrote about the music industry. Former
sidekicks include Mark Radcliffe, Mrs Merton
and Jon Ronson.
http://twitter.com/GetFrankToNo1
>> Trees Photographed in Infrared <<
Plants are very reflective to infra-red light,
so these photos make them look like beautiful
candy-floss. Makes us wish we had ultra-violet
and infra-red vision, to really appreciate the
world's natural beauty. And laser vision to
chop down our foes.
http://snurl.com/treeuschrist
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Kitten riding tortoise
Dear TV companies. Have you ever thought about
doing a show called "Animals Riding Animals"?
Here's your first episode.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Very much like video but on the... WEB!
>> Immortal Dog <<
Fast editing and mentalness make this spoof
advert from The Midnight Show full of the
proverbial win.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Immortal_Dog
>> Star Trek Tik Tok <<
There isn't a song written that can't be
illustrated with a Kirk / Spock slash theme.
(And we've just looked up a list of UK #1s
to test thing theory and we're giggling at
the idea of Charlotte Church's "Crazy Chick")
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Trek_Tik_Tok
>> Dad Life <<
Dad is a funny word. If you're ever bored try
substituting it into songs, instead of 'man' or
'boy'. Wild Dads! by Duran Duran, or Sabrina's
"Dads Dad Dads, are you looking for a good time?"
This vid enjoys laughing at men of a certain
age too.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dad_Life
>> Human LCD <<
Apple might be going crazy for their retina
displays - that's 300 pixels per inch instead
of the normal 70 to 100 or so, but in Korea the
trend is the opposite - pixels are now the size
of people.
http://b3ta.com/links/Human_LCD_Close_Up_Video_SOU...
>> Gandalf goes to the world cup <<
Don't really want to laugh at this, as Lord of
the Rings spoofs are old hat and we're also
sick to death of football jokes, but it really
comes together and made us grin.
http://b3ta.com/links/Gandalf_goes_to_the_world_cu...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Double the content, twice as unfunny
* GIANT RUSSIAN BRIDGE COCK - we saw this last
week but we only noticed it was funny when we
realised it was a drawbridge - so when it lifts
it's a bit like an erection. Hooray! (thanks
the-skunk-works)
http://snurl.com/russiancockbridge
* OBAMA LOVES THE COCK - Lamsicle writes, "Saw
this and thought of you."
http://snurl.com/presidentcock
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from 'Mock Green Britain Day'
We're still waiting for the official winner to
be judged by Ecotricity, but your favourites
included:
* MINCE - wind-farms can be brutal, dangerous
places (mutated monty)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10093786
* EDF - those cunning frog fellows have a
devious plan (mr_cabbages)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10099157
* MOUSEY - the oil is running out, but an army
of rodent helpers are ready to pitch in (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10094950
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/MockGreenBritainDay/
** STOP PRESS! WE HAVE AN OFFICIAL WINNER
ANNOUNCEMENT! The MD of Ecotricity has awarded
the prize to benito vasselini: **
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10093596
>> New challenge: Richard Littlejohn <<
Fire up Photoshop and go to town on Daily
Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn in any
way you please.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/richardlittlejohn/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CASSETTE BOY PLAYING GLASTONBURY THIS WEEKEND
- Mike writes, "We're on the Glade Stage on
Sunday at 2pm, with our good friend DJ Rubbish.
It's going to be our most ambitious (and
therefore most sloppy and amateurish) show
ever." If you're there then say hello from us.
* SNOW LEOPARD CUB NAMED AFTER JESSIE/NINA -
Jahled writes, "I showed Terry b3ta and our
reaction to the dreadful news about Nina, and
he confirmed one will be named in her memory."
Nice tribute.
http://snurl.com/browsermeowser
* SHED OF THE YEAR WINNERS ANNOUNCED -
Hopefully the official b3ta shed (subject to
planning permission) will be winning this next
year.
http://snurl.com/shedupinyourface
* MORE BAD BOOZE - Notmo writes, "While on the
ships I work on, that have alcohol bans, we
make home made wine. Bugger all the fancy
contraptions and science. A bin, a tea towel, 2
cartons of (any) fruit juice some sugar, boiling
water a bit of yeast and a handful of raisins.
Mix the lot together, stir it once a day. When
the raisins float, drink. Test on the weakest
member of the group." Please - can somebody
test this?
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I'M WORKING - McClairey
asks, "Hi - can some clever person, maybe the
ones who made the Burkavision and Vuvuzela
internet-changing thingies, please make a gizmo
which makes any website I go on look like I'm
doing work and not pissing about on the
internet. Alt-tab is getting obvious around my
boss, and I really need to research my
holidays."
* FLICKR QUIZ - tom.cunningham writes, "I've
got a suggestion for a suggestion: an automatic
photo quiz generator, using flickr tags. So you
give it a set of tags (liverpool, glasgow, bath),
& it generates a random quiz where you identify
the photos. Seems too obvious but I can't find
anyone who's already done it. (& might be
better than rape sticks)"
* FOREIGN COINS / VENDING MACHINES -
jrsutherland81 asks, "What I'd like to see is a
website that allows users to post their
experience of using foreign coins successfully
in vending machines. I have loads of loose
change from other countries that I will
probably never go back to, that could
potentially be used to get me a packet of
worcester sauce flavour french fries, but it's
so hard to decide which ones to try and which
to avoid. There must be a wealth of vending
machine experience out there on B3TA, and it
would be great to start consolidating it! I
guess vending machine modernity is also a
factor for consideration..."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by josiowy, social
hand grenade, codepo8, Manic, Peter Davison and
carly291287. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Sickilols via kiv-93. Subjlolas via
Tribs. Top tip via The Archduke of South London.
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TOP TIP:
Amaze and astound your guests at your next
house party... by filling up condoms with water
and popping a goldfish or two inside. For added
shizzle throw in a glowstick and use as night
lights along pathways or badly lit stairwells.
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A keyring is a handy little gadget that allows
you to lose all your keys at once.
