NEWSLETTER: "SOMEONE SHOULD START A PETITION TO BAN FOOTBALL FROM VUVUZELA CONCERTS"
This Week:
* KUNT VID - "I was pissed out of my head!"
* DOGS - Wiping their bot-bots for you
* KITTENS - Chasing string, caught on camera!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We gave up saving the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web as the APR was
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| shit... together"
B3ta email 436 - 9 July 2010
Save this issue to your c:\private folder:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue436/
Suggs: [email protected]
UnSuggs: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED VIDEO LINK
Sticks on BBC Comedy
Sticks is a detective sitcom from The Brothers
McLeod featuring some bungling coppers. The
characters are drawn on coffee stirrers, but
the series also features a yeti on a spatula,
a zombie on a pastry baster, and an evil pencil
sharpener. Nice.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/p008nm17/sticks_...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? We're waiting for your e-fax.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making ascii cocks as per usual
>> I Was Pissed Out of My Head! <<
Kunt's latest vid, explaining why he's not
responsible for anything. We asked who is the
prostitute you murder? Kunt replies, "that's
Tate, my mate Jim's missus. He had a whale of a
day; he had the shit beaten out of him outside
a pub, went home covered in tomato sauce with
an actual nosebleed where I accidentally
cracked him one and then watched on while I
raped and strangled his wife. I swear, if he
ever does a Derrick Bird/Raoul Moat, I will be
on his hit-list!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Dogs wiping their bums <<
"I woke up this morning and decided the world
needed a compilation video of dogs wiping their
bums," yawns ratbanjos. "No idea why!" This is
classy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dogs_Wiping_Their_Bums
>> Kitten chasing some string <<
The latest addition to the Veitch household
cavorts for your pleasure. We're mostly amused
that Joel has named his baby cat Monster Truck.
http://b3ta.com/links/Kitten_Chasing_A_Piece_Of_St...
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: SPONSORED IPHONE LINK
iPhone Puzzle Game
Dan Norcott (the fat fool from issue 93 with
shed issues) has created a brand new puzzle for
the iPhone - it's only 59p - buy it and review
it and make him a millipennyonnaire.
http://www.linktoapp.com/axis
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Bizarre Habits
Last week we asked for the silly habits and
rituals that you just can't seem to shake off.
Fewer poo stories than we were expecting:
http://b3ta.com/questions/habits/
* JAWS - "When I was a kid I saw the film Jaws.
I was convinced Jaws would get me in my sleep.
This despite the fact I lived in Lancashire,
at least a mile from the nearest river with
a sea connection and a long way from Amity,
which I was dimly aware was probably somewhere
off the south-eastern United States. So,
assuming Jaws survives the end of the film,
can navigate the river Irwell as far as Bury,
hop out of the water, thrash his way across
fields and two major roads, open a garden gate
latched on the inside (which even human beings
with their opposable thumbs found nigh on
impossible), break down a door, climb upstairs
and manoeuvre through a complicated bannister
arrangement to my childhood bedroom to bite me,
he would then have to have a bite at least 23
inches deep as I habitually slept against the
wall in order to avoid this admittedly remote
possibility. Fuck you Jaws, you were never
going to get me."
(Smallbrainfield)
* PENS - "Mrs Vagabond says pen lids must be on
their pens - either end, but definitely they
must be on the original pen. This is, in
essence, her code for "Please entertain me
by distributing pen lids around the flat at
random." I think."
(A Vagabond)
* KNOTW - "I have CDO... it's similar to OCD,
but I have to put the letters in alphabetical
order"
(greatoldone)
>> This Week's Question <<
Have you ever been put in a position of power?
Did you become a rabid dictator, or did you
completely arse it up and end up publicly
humiliated?
http://b3ta.com/questions/power/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Nerd badges <<
As people who suffer from a massive overload of
un-dealt-with email we wish one day to earn the
inbox zero badge. In our dreams.
http://www.nerdmeritbadges.com/products/inbox-zero
>> Musical rings <<
Create expanding and contracting circles by
clicking repeatedly. They chime when they
collide, creating a hypnotic soundscape.
http://lab.andre-michelle.com/pulsate
>> Awkward family pet photos <<
Humans note: animals don't share your keenness
to record everything with a camera.
http://awkwardfamilypetphotos.com/
>> You were on your way home when you died <<
Thought-provoking short story that stayed with
us for a while after reading.
http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html
>> Godblock <<
Protect your children from being indoctrinated
with religious dogma while browsing the web.
Godblock software scans and screens for harmful
religious bullshit. In reality, this is
probably going to block the web pages of
Puerto-Rican guys called Jesus. It's obviously
more there to provoke comment than to be used.
http://www.godblock.com/
>> 8-Bit City <<
Lo-fi maps of world capitals - it's great
zooming in on pixelly Kentish Town!
http://8bitcity.com/map
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: SPONSORED T-SHIRT LINK
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15% discount. B3at that!
http://www.sdith.com/Default.aspx
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like 3D cinema without the annoying glasses
>> Double Rainbow autotune <<
Guy sees double rainbow and breathlessly
enthuses about its beauty - the internet turns
it into a song. We truly live in the future.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Happy turtle <<
This turtle (or tortoise depending on whether
you shit in a bog or powder your nose) loves
nothing better than being scratched on its
back with an old toothbrush. When we get the
official b3ta wife to scratch our back she
calls it "proper Gloucester Old Spots
behaviour" after her favourite breed of pig.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Happy_turtle_D
>> Kevin Smith spends a week with Prince <<
Kevin Smiths gets asked to make a documentary
for Prince - 35 minutes that explains a lot
about how loony Prince is nowadays. BTW: That
whole "internet is over" stuff from Prince?
Despite being a mental he certainly still knows
how to get people talking about him.
http://b3ta.com/links/Kevin_Smith_spends_a_week_wi...
>> Japanese public health commercial <<
"I love the fuckers", writes waz4444,
"Seriously. If B3TA was a country. It would be
Japan."
http://snurl.com/japanolols
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Another dildo double entry, chaps
* GAY BUMMING - Jimvin writes, "Dear Rob or
whoever. Well, this sounds like a euphemism if
I ever heard one. How does one join the Uphill
Badminton Club?"
http://www.uphillbadminton.co.uk/
* MORE GAY BUMMING - dave.curson writes, "Does
this count as a "Funny name" item?! 'Tired Gay
succumbs to Dix in 200m'"
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6622I4201007...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Giraffe Challenge
Last week we wanted you to go mental with
giraffes.
Your favourites included:
* FLAG - historic military moment relived, with
added giraffe (chumpers)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10109467
* BIKE - a bit like Barry Sheene, but just look
at him go! Weeeee! (elvisweathercock)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10112174
* JUMP - school sports day proves popular on
the savannah (c_kick)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10110234
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/giraffes/
>> New challenge: Tarsiers <<
Following the runaway success of the giraffe
challenge, another beast is the target of this
week's competition: the humble tarsier - the
cutest, most bug-eyed creature in all of nature.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tarsier/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* KUNT'S EDINBURGH SHOW - "If it's not being
too kuntish could you give our Edinburgh
Festival show a wee plug?" asks Kunt. "It's at
the Meadow Bar from 5-29th August and there's a
London preview at Kings X Social Club on 16th
July. Wanks very much" Sorry, Kunt - we don't
just give out plugs. Details here:
http://www.kuntandthegang.co.uk
* YOUR FACE ON SOME MONEY - The award-winning
War on Terror boardgame is making a return and
"beginning this Friday, we're auctioning off
the opportunity to get your face on the new
edition War on Terror money," writes Andrew
Sheerin. "We're giving half to Amnesty too, so
while it's all about money, it's also about
warm, fluffy things."
http://www.terrorbullgames.co.uk/moneyauction/
* HOW TO MAKE A VIDEO PITCH THAT WANGLES YOU A
TV SERIES - thatgingerscouser writes, "I sent
this to Lonely Planet Television in Australia
in the summer of 2008. They went for it, and
now my eight-part TV show ("Graham's World") is
getting shown on the Nat Geo Adventure channel
in Asia and Australia and will be shown on the
BBC later this year. If any of you are looking
to do something similar and have got a kick-ass
idea (as I'm sure many of you have) this is the
kind of thing that TV producers want to see. Be
excited, get them excited."
http://snurl.com/oursuccessfulpitch
* MARRIAGES / BIRTHS / DEATHS - beckyjsbx
writes, "Hi, can crackhouseceilidhband and
Captain V be mentioned in the newsletter this
week please? They met at a bash last year and
she just gave birth to their first baby
yesterday. Also, Althegeordie is getting
married on Saturday, but to a non b3tan, but
wasn't sure if he could get a tiny mention as
he's had a few front pages and stuff from
QOTW."
* FUCK THE DIGITAL ECONOMY ACT - beerandcrisps
writes, "A while ago you asked to be saved from
the Digital Economy Bill. Here's your chance.
Please share with your readers."
http://tinyurl.com/2wopkgl
* CUMMY RACING - Sandettie LVA writes, "I tried
this back in my early teens when I was new to
the experience of knocking myself about. I
used one of those small plastic containers that
rolls of 35mm film was found. First go was a
pitiful small amount. So, after a short wait, I
started again and went to double up my sample.
It was then that I realised that semen has a
half-life of not many minutes and degrades to a
clear runny fluid with a peculiar odour. Given
that even as a 13yo who could tug all day if
need be, I reckoned it would still take a good
15 excursions on the skin-boat to fill that
small pot. That would equate several days
investment. I did not wish to keep a small pot
of that foul-smelling liquid any longer than
necessary. 10 minutes was bad enough, I hate
to think what it would be like after a week.
Probably evolve a civilisation and develop a
space program."
* GOOD POINT ABOUT TREE INFRARED - Apache
writes, "Infrared light is reflected very
strongly by chlorophyll and this reflectance is
used to classify and measure the extents of
vegetation. Look at the link below from 'NASA
for Kids'. Also, If it is incandescent then it
would emit light and not reflect it. Good
experiment to prove this, take an IR picture of
a tree in the dark!"
http://science.hq.nasa.gov/kids/imagers/ems/infrar...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HELP A B3TAN - Iain7 asks, "Alas! I've broken
my friend's favourite bowl and the internet
doesn't seem to know where to get a new one.
Does b3ta know? It's white, with 'VINTAGE
Kellogg's' written on the bottom and 'Hear
their freshness' and a picture of a girl with
some Rice Krispies on the side."
* RED WINE THAT DOESN'T STAIN THE TEETH AND
LIPS MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAMP - solve this
any you'd be a millionaire. We'd buy it anyway.
And we've got a million pounds.
* CHEWED-UP PAPER CEILING FLICKING COMPETITION
- what's the biggest lump of mouth mâché can
you and your chums make stick to the ceiling.
(We visited a toilet in a kids community centre
the other day and were reminded of this
delightful game.)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Avast, mikeisbrill,
applehead, Hot Grot and waxy. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickilols via
Icomeinpeace. Subjlols via AMSnell.
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TOP TIP:
Want a drink of cold water but can't be arsed
to wait for it to cool down in the fridge? Fill
a water bottle, stick a good few ice cubes in
and give it a good shake. The ice being mixed
up in the water will lower the temperature
quicker than just putting the water in the
fridge or even in the freezer. (sandettie light
vessel automatic)
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Joke changed because someone on twitter moaned
it was nicked, so instead here's one we remember
hearing when we were about 12:
What's grey and comes in pints? An elephant.
