NEWSLETTER: "MAKING A PIG'S VAGINA OF IT"
This Week:
* FEAR - sex-mad Anne Robinson
* GLOWING - glowstick toilet
* CUTE - baby costumes
* CONFUSED - our demographic
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Sometimes we write
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | this newsletter
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| naked... together"
B3ta email 439 - 30 July 2010
Read this issue as a typed-in audiobook:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue439/
Gay wasps: [email protected]
Transgendered bees: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
B3ta advertising works!
A few weeks back we ran an ad for
StyTV who were hoping to find the next
big comedy double act. They thought B3ta would
be a great place to look. And you know what? It
worked! So, introducing the winners as found
through the newsletter: Dadd & Fryer! Their
first challenge is to take £5 and become
entrepreneurs. Being sort of useless, their big
business idea is selling "egg portraits". Do
they succeed or fail? Only one way to find out.
http://bit.ly/stytv
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING #1
Weakest Link, 90s & Budget beer
>> The Weakest Link - Anne goes mental <<
"I was bored, so this happened," confesses
Slurpy J, as Anne Robinson derails a round of
the Weakest Link to follow her own, predatory
sexual agenda. Mind bleach, please.
http://snurl.com/weakestlinkmadness
>> 1990s <<
"My wife often mocks me for being trapped in
the 90s," bleeps melancholy Ginger Fuhrer Rob
Manuel. "So I did a video/song about it." Like
an M Night Shyamalan film, we won't ruin this
by telling you there's a twist.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1990s
>> Crap beer stunt <<
Inspired by that enormously expensive beer
that's sold in dead squirrels, Tom Scott
attempts his own, super-budget version. Full
marks for going through with it and for mailing
it off to the brewing company asking for
feedback.
http://www.tomscott.com/beer/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Guilty Laughs
The best laughs are the ones that you really,
really shouldn't be having. Go have some:
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltylaughs/
* MR JINGLES - "I have one of those friends who
posts status updates to Facebosh to inform all
of *everything* that happens in her life.
Recently, her status updates ran thusly: [15:46]
...has just rescued a mouse from a horrible
sticky mouse trap. Sooo cruel it was just,
like, glued there! yay me! [16:11] Turns out the
mouse lost quite a lot of fur and skin on his
poor belly from the trap. I'm gonna nurse him
all better and call him Mr Jingles like in the
Green Mile! [16:39] Has just given Mr Jingles a
soothing bath/wash and is gonna build him a
little home to live in! He gonna be a circus
mouse! ;o) [16:54] Mr Jingles is nibbling away
at biscuit crumbs! Soooooo cute! [17:44] Would
anyone like to come to Mr Jingles housewarming
party? Hee hee! Found an old wooden box in the
garage and have put some cotton wool and an old
cat bowl of water in there for him! Don't tell
anyone I've taken in a lodger! Hee Hee! x
[18:29] OMG! I was only gone 5 minutes and Mr
Jingles drowned in his water bowl :o( :o("
(R. Jimlad)
* KIT-E-SPLAT - "My friend Anthony loves animals.
A few years back, he had two cats, Mel and Pepsi.
One night he phoned me in floods of tears and
told me that Pepsi had been run over. I made
the appropriate soothing noises, waited for him
to calm down, then offered to go down and keep
him company. He said no, he'd just needed to
tell someone and felt better now. I hung up the
phone and turned to my neighbour Chris, who'd
been watching telly with me. "What's up?" he
asked. I told him about Anthony's cat. "Which
one was it?" "Pepsi." "Ooh," says he, "there's
nothing worse than flat Pepsi." I almost choked.
(Smash Monkey)
* KNIFEY - "I was on the phone to my Gran about
a year ago, and she was telling me about the
nasty cut she got on her hand while cutting
some cheese. In great detail. She explained how
much blood was dripping from her hand onto the
floor, how she wrapped the wound in a tea towel,
how she shuffled with her Zimmer frame to the
bathroom, how she cleaned the wound and all
the trouble of getting a plaster on before the
bleeding finally stopped. I sat patiently and
sympathetically listening to my poor old Gran's
tale. Finally, she cleaned herself up, shuffled
slowly though to the kitchen again, where the
bloody knife was still sitting and slowly took
it over to the sink, gave it a good wash, and
then Zimmered back to the cheese-board, knife
in hand. She positioned herself in front of the
cheese-board, picked the knife up, and promptly
dropped it, pointy tip downwards, into her foot.
Fortunately my Gran is a bit deaf, and did not
hear the strangled guffawing at my end as she
explained how she had to shuffle back though to
the bathroom with a sharp knife protruding from
her foot, trying not to bump it with her Zimmer
frame as she inched her way forward."
(eukaryote)
>> This Week's Question <<
What's been your very ouchiest moment? Talk to
us here and make us wince:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ouch/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Naughty wood animal kids' book <<
Clever ad for German porn channel is rammed
full of innuendo.
http://snurl.com/naughtynuts
>> Disguised weapons <<
Deadly weaponry, cunningly concealed as
everyday household objects. Like if
Transformers were real, but made out of small
knives and coke cans.
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php
>> thingsididlastnight.com <<
One of them there one-gag sites - made us
giggle.
http://thingsididlastnight.com/
>> Mila's Day Dreams <<
Mila's mum clearly gets bored when her baby is
asleep, so Mila winds up getting posed and
photographed in lots of fantastic scenes.
Someone needs to start doing this with drunk
students, as it puts shaving eyebrows to shame.
http://milasdaydreams.blogspot.com/
>> Can you guess what this is? <<
Surprising reveal of peculiar decorative
object. It looks a bit like delicious oreo
biscuit, but it is not that. At all.
http://snurl.com/ohnowtf
>> Edible cups <<
Picnic glasses moulded out of jelly.
Afterwards, throw them away or eat them.
Probably throw them away, as they look pretty
unappetising.
http://snurl.com/jellycups
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING #2
Trilogy lists, Geordies & TV hats
>> Best trilogy ever? <<
Spurred on by the release of Toy Story 3, "I've
done a super-good analysis of all the movie
trilogies ever," explains Zetsumetsu. He
certainly raises a few eyebrows by choosing
Twilight as mathematically the best movie
trilogy of all time, but there's no arguing
with Science. Ok, ok, that last sentence was a
lie, just so you'd click the link.
http://snurl.com/besttrilogyever
>> The Geordie mating song <<
"More voiceovery silliness from me," brags
Leemondus as he demonstrates how the Geordies
charm each other to bed, and the birds from the
trees.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Geordie_Mating_Song
>> TV Hat around Shoreditch <<
For those who've never seen a TV hat, it's
essentially a techno-snood that more closely
adheres to the crown of the head. Bubbling with
enthusiasm, CR3 took his brand new gadget for a
photo-shoot around Shoreditch. "BEST DAY EVER!"
he slightly unconvincingly claims.
http://cr3ative.co.uk/tvhat/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Moving pixel shiny-shiny
>> Two-legged kitten <<
It's not really explained what happened to this
baby cat's two front paws - perhaps they're
just carelessly misplaced. Anyway, delight in
his cute, kangaroo-like antics. Look, no hands!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Two_legged_kitten
>> Dr Jones <<
Indy gets a job at a school, but falls foul of
bureaucratic headmaster Tom McDonnell. Lovely
little musical number.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dr_Jones:2
>> Cow poo fetish <<
Jumping in puddles is fun, but cow-pats? Here's
39 videos of people loving being up to their
ankles in bullshit. Odd to suddenly stumble on
a brand new, clearly popular, sexual kink.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Keyboard man <<
Nuance-perfect recreation of Keyboard Cat.
We'd love to see this guy do Charlie Bit My
Finger and Tub Girl.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Keyboard_man
>> Make love! <<
Saw an ad for this song on TV - oddly placed
amongst the kids' programming - but actually a
charming song telling everyone they should have
more sex. We entirely agree - especially as it
comes from a bloke who looks like an old Ben
Goldacre. Ben Oldacre maybe.
http://snurl.com/makelove
>> Toilet vs Glow-sticks! <<
So what happens if you pour the contents of 32
glow-sticks into a toilet cistern and then
flush? You get some very high young blokes,
giggling with delight, that's what.
http://snurl.com/bogrush
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Introducing Euan Kerr
OK, the old joke is "Wayne Kerr" but we reckon
"Euan Kerr" is one louder. itsDanBull writes,
"He's the editor of the Beano. Not much on him
online. Best I found is this Telegraph article
where he hints that Walter The Softie is gay."
http://bit.ly/cLBW6z
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Big Ben Challenge
Last week we wanted you to work on
London's most famous clock. And yes, we
know that Ben is actually the name of the
bell. But life's too short, etc.
Your favourites included:
* PISA - Ben heads to Italy for some
hot architectural action (Bad Horsey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10130915
* FACTS - the truth about Ben, told via
the medium of info-graphic (sepang)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10131076
* SAD - Ben's hopes for recognition
cruelly dashed (Joe Scaramanga)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10131281
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bigben/
>> New challenge: Prequels <<
These week's challenging challenge is to
invent the movie & TV prequels to famous
films: The Dambuilders, Reservoir
Puppies, Indiana Jones & The Second-Last
Crusade, etc. Mental.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/prequels/
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: FRIDAY GAME
International Karate
Old nerds will be in rapture at this
pixel-perfect recreation of the Commodore 64
game International Karate. We managed to get
through the first few levels by kicking and
then gave up. Exactly as we played it 25 years
ago.
http://www.international-karate.de.vu/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* ALCO TRAMPS! Just swilled out our mouths with
mouthwash and wondering how much of this stuff
would get you drunk? Please try this so we
don't have to.
* SINGING FLESHLIGHTS - looking at the
Wikipedia page on this wank-aid, we reckon you
could squeeze the opening and sync it with some
singing. Maybe get four of them and do Bohemian
Rhapsody.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fleshlight
* TECH LIFE-LAUNDRY - somebody to come round
out house and eBay all the useless old tech we
accumulate my buying the flavour-of-the-month
gadgets, Kindles, iPads, Palm Pilots etc.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by summerfieldmartin,
sinisterduck, social hand grenade, thomchem,
masakatsu, aMac, chickenlady, Ariaxen, Pew Pew
Pew! Lasers! NIKCY HEWGILLL, Dave! Top Tippery
by MeekMan. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Saxenfraxenraxen to b4ta.
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TOP TIP:
Never watch YouTube videos while signed in on a
computer you share with your partner. The front
page always displays recommendations quoting
the videos you've watched (for instance
"Recommended for you - The Armando Iannucci
Shows - App...Because you watched The Armando
Iannu...") That example was fairly innocuous
but when the front page is flooded with Cheryl
Cole, Katy Perry and cow manure clips, you may
find it difficult to explain away.
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