NEWSLETTER: "NAOMI CAMPBELL UPSET AT GAINING 3 STONES OVERNIGHT"
This Week:
* ROCKY - Official B3ta Cat video
* SNAILS - With paintings on their backs
* PETER SERAFINOWICZ - Interviewed by B3tans
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Never sure if we're
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | hiding in the bunker or
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| the attic... together"
B3ta email 440 - 6 Aug 2010
Buy this issue in our Psion Organiser app store:
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Joiners: [email protected]
Splitters: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
All New Larry David plus more
Our new Curb t-shirts are pretty, pretty,
pretty good and we have a bunch of other new
designs to awe, inspire and upset the masses.
Whack the Voucher Code 'B3TA' in at the
checkout and get 15% discount. B3at that!
http://bit.ly/pushb3ta
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Snails, Cats, Zoos, and Bonobos
>> Snail painting <<
"About, well, must be two years ago you had a
suggestion in the newsletter about using snails
as tea lights," begins Hampster Squared. "I'm
an artist and I work with live insects and
plants, but had no idea how drawing would fit
in with the rest of what I was working on. The
snails were a revelation. So I've spent the
past two or so years painting on snail shells.
Have a look at some of them:
http://www.tilla.co.uk/gallery-detail.php
>> Rocky The Cat <<
"I wrote a song about my cat," says Rob "He's
sort of awful but I do rather like him despite
what I say." Rocky is a naughty cat and he
genuinely would kill and eat you if he could.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Lego zoo <<
"Since I never saw a zoo made out of lego, I
thought I'd make one," exclaims mediocre. We
applaud his ambition.
http://www.mocpages.com/moc.php/217458
>> Bonobo and Me <<
"We were asked by the guys at Hat Trick Digital
to make a short film in just one week based on
the theme of 'leadership'," squeals Ornsack.
"This was the result!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bonobo_and_Me
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: PETER SERAFINOWICZ Q&A
'Male comedienne' answers your questions
Our long awaited interview with Britain's best
comedian is live, very exiting news for all
comedy fans. Serafinowicz tells jokes and
delivers the occasional insight. Top notch.
Sample bit: "If you could punch any animal in
the zoo, what would it be? My birthday!"
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/peterserafinowicz/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Ouch
Last week you asked for your ouchiest moments.
Never underestimate a b3tan's ability to fall
over and twat themselves in the nethers:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ouch/
* "My wife at my cousins wedding was 2.5
bottles of wine in after three hours. Just
after the speeches I took her back to the hotel
room in the hope of she'd have a snooze but she
flew into a rage, spouting, "we're never going
to get married. They've only been together five
minutes. You don't love me..." etc. She stormed
off into the darkened bathroom, went to sit on
the toilet but sat on the bidet. The spout on
the tap of bidet went straight up her arse and
broke her coccyx. I found her face down in her
make-up bag, sobbing the words, "the toilet bit
me." She couldn't sit down for four weeks."
(atdotslash)
* "At Finsbury Park tube station, standing up
one end of the platform, the end where the
train first emerges from the tunnel. The end
where it's still going fucking quickly: that's
where I was, standing with my feet near the
edge of the platform in a bit of a dream world.
I looked down and noticed a loose shoe lace. I
started to crouch down and a bit forward to do
it up... and woke up strapped in a stretcher
being carried up the spiral staircase. I'd
tried to stop the tube train with my head."
(Ring Of Fire)
* "I went to the doctors as a child with a
peanut stuck in my ear. He poured in some warm
chocolate and it later came out a Treat."
(Amorous Badger)
>> This Week's Question: Fluff <<
It's been five years since we asked for your
warm, fluffy, beautiful memories. Talk to us
here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/beautifulmoments2/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Christian propaganda lols <<
Cheap laffs at the expense of earnest,
well-meaning people. Well-meaning, but almost
unbelievably fucking stupid people.
Skateboarding Jesus = best thing ever.
http://snurl.com/yourgodisdeadhahaha
>> Happiest bear in the world <<
Candid shot of Kylie and 'friend'.
http://www.b3tards.com/u/d4c4c160c84406febe5f/kyli...
>> Classic movie posters in black & red. <<
Minimalist movie dude Olly Moss does what he
does best with incredible black & red posters
much better than the originals. Why don't they
make posters like that these days? Possibly
they look amazing, but don't actually get
people into the cinema.
http://www.geekosystem.com/black-red-movie-posters...
>> Abbey Road webcam <<
Live coverage of the famous crossing. Any time
of day or night you can find Spanish tourists
re-enacting the Beatles album cover, and angry
drivers who just want to get where they're
going.
http://www.abbeyroad.com/visit/
>> Computational rephotography <<
Vintage Russian photography combined with
modern pics from the same vantage point to
create an unsettling effect.
http://sergey-larenkov.livejournal.com/
>> "I am a text sex operator" <<
Bloke screencaps his time as a sex text
operator, pretending to be Kathy from Bristol
with 36Ds and wearing wellies, to fulfil the
punters' fetishes. Some great lines.
http://dearphoneii.blogspot.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like Youtube but with less videos
>> Wip3out... made of cardboard! <<
Fuck yes! Ancient race game Wipeout, recreated
with a cardboard track, a remote control car
and full arcade cabinet. Pretty much the
coolest thing ever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/WipEout_made_of_cardboar...
>> Eastenders the sitcom <<
If you think Eastenders is grim these days,
check out the 1986 Christmas special - now
improved with laugh track!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Eastenders_the_sitcom
>> Noel Coward Rehab <<
Archive footage of 'The Master' singing a
little ditty about how they tried to make him
go to Rehab but he wouldn't go. No no no.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Autotune rapist <<
The Autotune the News team continue to push the
envelope, with a musical number based on a rape
investigation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Washing machine self-destructs <<
Skip ahead 50 seconds to see a washing machine
comically destroy itself.
http://snurl.com/brickybrickywashwash
The world was immediately all over this and
had their own remixes up in minutes:
http://b3ta.com/links/Washing_Machine_Self_Destruc...
>> Little raver <<
Wait for it, wait for it - oh, and the tune
drops! We can only assume he learned this from
watching his daddy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Little_Raver
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
The Return of Goatse
Rib writes, "When Researching tyres here in NZ
I stumbled across this - definitely looks like
a goatse to me!"
http://www.pirelli.co.nz/web/default.page
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Prequel Challenge
Last week's challenging challenge is to invent
the movie & TV prequels to famous films: The
Dambuilders, Reservoir Puppies, Indiana Jones &
The Second-last Crusade, etc. Mental.
Our favourites included:
* MEMENTO 2 - of course! That's the sequel to
Memento. BTW: We're looking forward to seeing
Inception but haven't actually bothered yet.
Just thought we'd share our enthusiasm /
apathy. (yanmania)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10137933
* A CHEESE SANDWICH ON ELM STREET - has science
proved this wrong yet? We only get nightmares
when we remember about the bodies we've got
stacked up in the basement. (Bela Lugosi's Dad )
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10137699
* RAYMOND GOES FOR HIS MMR - one definitely
disproved by science. (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10138020
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/prequels/
>> New challenge: Pope merchandise <<
The pope is visiting the UK soon, and the
merchandise is already on sale, but it's
rubbish. This week's challenge is to show the
Vatican what they should be selling to mark the
occasion. God will be delighted.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pope/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Vampire Kittens
Your Ginger Fuhrer has organised one of those
flash game thingies for the E4 site - this time
designed by long time B3tan plasticmartians AKA
wideeye.
http://www.e4.com/game/vampire-kittens/play.e4
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* EBUTOUY.COM - Every Youtube vid backwards.
There are 16 old kids out there having their
first experiences with acid - give them
something to watch.
* AN EXPANDED VERSION OF THIS WIKI PAGE - with
all the artwork clearly displayed in one page,
we thought about doing it ourself but couldn't
be arsed.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_controvers...
* MACHINE THAT CLAPS EVERYTIME WE DO A POO -
ideal for kids and pensioners.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Diamondflamer,
chickenlady, Proboscisface, TownsendsPublisher,
waz4444, MrGomez, Jimmy Savlon, Alpaca,
tweed_steed, Bob Todd, King of Beers, NIKCY
HEWGILLL, Cliff Richard's porn stash,
braindrop, WiL Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via Griffy Savalas.
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TOP TIP:
Teenage girls and menopausal women. If your man
is all sparkly and won't shag you, it's because
he's a gay, not a vampire. (Amorous Badger)
