NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU'RE NERVOUS ABOUT YOUR FIRST PORN SHOOT JUST IMAGINE EVERYONE NAKED"
This Week:
* PRODUCTS - AN "AIDS" BABY BIB
* CATS - IN THEIR OWN MINI VILLAGE
* SHAUN RYDER - ON HOLIDAY
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We remember safe for
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web colours... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 445 - 10 Sept 2010
Read this thin tissue of lies:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue445/
Submarine: [email protected]
Unsubmarine: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Baby bib with "AIDS" written on it
Just visited Amazon to find the linky for the
most recent thing we've bought as use as
filler for the useless advertising section -
actually a rather nice TV for the bedroom
with a built in DIVX DVD player and instead
Amazon has just recommended that we buy a
baby bib with "AIDS" written on it. Who are
we to disagree. Buy them in your thousands
B3tans.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002UZ6SU...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than claiming the social
>> Garden Party <<
"Here's our latest effort," greets Ornsack. "It's
a little cutesy, but it's ok." Jesus Christ. Fear!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Garden_Party
>> Sneaky Cat <<
This sneaky cat clip has been all over teh
interwebs. Monty Propps gives his own take on why
so furtive.
http://snurl.com/sneakycatlady
>> Draw Your Dinner <<
"This is my own website/project, which I love
dearly," warbles Dave T. "As the name suggests,
this is a site which welcomes, nay, encourages
you to submit a drawing of your favourite meal."
http://www.drawyourdinner.com
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Complaints
Last week we asked for your letters of
complaint, sent or received:
http://b3ta.com/questions/complaintsdesk/
* "Many years ago, my Aunt had a friend who was
a serial complainer/consumer terrorist. She'd
fire off letters of complaint to all manner of
unsuspecting companies regarding their shoddy
wares or, in this case, food. The usual
response was a fistful of money off vouchers or
a cheque from the unsuspecting company to calm
the rabid bitch's fevered brow. One day,
Kelloggs appeared on her radar because they'd
committed the heinous crime of palming off a
large box of cornflakes on the unsuspecting
masses with a burnt cornflake in it. The
sternly worded letter of complaint was duly
wriiten and despatched post haste to those fine
people at Kelloggs. She really went to town on
them over how outrageous it was that such a
fine upstanding company should be peddling this
sub-standard filth on the general public and
what were they going to do about it? Their
response? A "With Compliments" slip with a
single replacement cornflake taped to the top
right hand corner..." (frightfullybored)
* "A couple of years ago I was have a cup of
tea around my mate's parents' house. I
commented on how swanky their new telly looked.
The old man started telling a story of how his
sister bought a TV and when it was delivered
there was no plug on the power lead. As he
recounted the tale he was getting angrier and
angrier; it ended with him out of the arm chair
tensed in a fighting posture, red faced and
shouting, "SO I FUCKING TOLD HIM TO PUT A
FUCKING PLUG ON THAT FUCKING LEAD OR THIS TELLY
AND EVERY OTHER FUCKING TELLY IN THE SHOP WAS
GOING THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDOW!" He collapsed
back into the chair, spent from the exertions
of the re-lived rage. "When was this?" asked
his son. "1952," he replied." (Ring Of Fire)
* "Dear Avery, your sheets of printer labels
are all marked "Guaranteed Jam Free", but you
provide absolutely no details whatsoever on how
to redeem this offer." (Vice Admiral Sir
Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about your best and
easiest jobs. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/easyjob/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> David Mitchell with Pizza <<
The TV funnyman's strange relationship with
Neapolitan peasant food explored in a series of
drawings.
http://davidmitchellwithpizza.tumblr.com/
>> Hipster Dinosaurs <<
Giant lizards were into cool things a long,
long time before you were.
http://www.forkparty.com/hipster-dinosaurs/
>> Cat village <<
This philanthropist has built a selection of
miniature houses for lonely cats. He's
indulging cats' fantasies of growing seven feet
tall and devouring all humans.
http://snurl.com/catvillage
>> The real stuff white people like <<
More clever stat analysis from dating site Ok
Cupid. People's online profiles analysed to
show the most popular hobbies and interests
broken down by ethnic group. The question is -
why so much Tom Clancy love?
http://snurl.com/realstuffwhitepeoplelike
>> Sexing your guineapig <<
Pages and pages of positively gynaecological
guineapig porn.
http://snurl.com/guineaporn
>> Youtube time machine <<
Give it a year and it'll give you videos from
that year, covering 1860 to 2010. That's your
afternoon fucked.
http://yttm.tv/v/1973
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Your VHS with a "twitter this" button
>> Tippex viral thing <<
Type whatever words you want, to change the
content of the youtube clip. Hmm. That actually
just sounds like how the youtube search
function works. But this has a bear! BTW try "A
hunter is a bear".
http://www.youtube.com/profile
>> Rocket jump in RL <<
Using movie special effects to recreate the
messed-up physics of 8-bit gaming.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/rocket_jump_in_RL
>> Animated gif symphony <<
Rap video made from animated gifs, including
many from b3ta's own hallowed messageboards.
We're unsure of the commercial potential vs the
usual approach of rap video made from sexy
ladies.
http://b3ta.com/links/How_many_b3ta_contributions_...
>> Barcelona with Shaun Ryder (Happy Mondays) <<
Classic WTFery pairs opera singer with
shambolic Happy Mondays frontman. Still kind of
hard to believe this really happened. It's
great though.
http://b3ta.com/links/Barcelona_with_Shaun_Ryder_H...
>> Predator's teenage son <<
Awkward father-son intergenerational conflict
for movie monster. Also, if everybody on
Predator planet is a hunter, who makes their
shoes?
http://b3ta.com/links/Predator_has_problems_with_h...
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny like cancer is funny
* THE HEADLINE THAT WRITES ITSELF - Hairy
writes, "I know funny name corner is probably
the bane of your life, but oh wow: 'Butts
Arrested in Boob Murder Case'"
http://wearecentralpa.com/wtaj-news-fulltext/
* OUR NEW FAVOURITE RADIO STATION - rqmusicfan
writes, "Found this link, hopefully it hasn't
been sent before - thought it was suitably
childish. The sound of your genitalia... this
is... PENIS TONE FM"
http://www.penistonefm.co.uk/
* BASTARD! - mysticegg writes, "Have a look at
this and tell me the company logo doesn't look
like 'Bastard' Internet Security." BTW: If Lord
Sugar's mum had named him Barry Alan Sugar then
his company would have been the quite wonderful
BASTRAD PLC. Just saying.
http://www.astaro.com/
* THE COCKFIGHTER - Genius tagline for
unmarketable film.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071338/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Limericks Challenge
Last week we wanted you to makes up rhymes and
poems, then illustrate the little buggers.
Your favourites included:
* NAG - Jeremy the Annoying Horse is annoying
again (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10173506
* PITHY - it started well, but a lack of rhymes
curtailed this fine effort (Jimbotfu)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10173640
* BASE - classic web meme re-imagined as poetry
(barryheadwound)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10175214
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/limericks/
>> New challenge: re-marketing classic albums <<
This week, b3ta is going to rescue the music
industry: what we want you to do is take
classic albums and re-design the artwork for an
entirely different market. Sell punk albums to
classical fans and thrash metal to lovers of
happy house, and so on. Hey, presto, new
business model. Challenge suggested by Bela
Legosi's Dad
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/marketingalbums/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CHEAPO SPOTIFY RIVALS - loads of you wrote in
to recommend Grooveshark, including Ade
Sanderson: "It's free ($3 per month for the VIP
access thingy (which includes scrobbling and a
desktop client and other bits)), brilliant, and
the only downside is the lack of organisation.
People are able to upload their own music, so
searching is a bit iffy because the rest of the
internets have uploaded a whole load of crap
with shitty ID3 tags. Still, it's the best
you'll get for the price and makes my life
great at work (where we're not allowed Spotify
because of the upload bandwidth used). Rah."
http://listen.grooveshark.com/
* BBC TAKES B3TAN'S PISSTAKE SERIOUSLY - B3tan
FrizFrizzle made a cartoon taking the piss
out of super-hard quiz Only Connect's use of
Greek letters instead of question numbers.
Presenter Victoria Coren saw it, and this week
the new series aired with Egyptian
Hieroglyphics instead:
http://snurl.com/b3tanslovecoren
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DAILY MAIL FILTER - that leaves the pictures
of hot ladies and celebrity tittle-tattle but
dumps the bigotry.
* MORE SPOTIFY REQUESTS - Krang asks, "I wish
someone would invent something that takes your
Spotify playlists, scours the internet for the
tracks, and then assembles them in one
easy-to-download zip file. I'm sure someone at
b3ta could make it out of ham and Lego."
* AN APPLE MAGIC MOUSE THAT RECHARGES BY USB -
gah, fucking hell, right, we're pausing the
newsletter and going to buy some rechargables
via Amazon right now. Click. Done.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel (who is
daydreaming about writing a guide to male
sexual health: The Knob Manual by Rob Manuel)
with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
sauronwibble, Sn0tters, Peter Davison, Cliff
Richard's porn stash, Darklord, Lightguy,
chocolatelemming. Top Tippery by Smale.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Need a new barbecue glove? Go to your local DIY
store and buy a welding glove instead. Just as
good, if not better, and for about a quarter of
the price.
