NEWSLETTER: "THE IPHONE - BEING HELD INCORRECTLY SINCE 1928"
This Week:
* VIDEO - David Cameron sings
* CSS TIPS - How to make 80s album covers
* KITTENS - Fainting kittens remix
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're wearing
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | 'Coal Not Dole'
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| badges... together"
B3ta email 452 - 29 Oct 2010
Tattoo this issue on your eyelids:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue452/
Something good: [email protected]
Something bad: [email protected]
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: SIGN UP NOW FOR AN ABSOLUT LIMITED EDITION
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cameron, CSS, Children's TV and zombies
>> David Cameron sings <<
"This took me arse ages to edit together,"
groans superdonal. "My inspiration was David
Cameron's ridiculous use of pop song
catchphrases to get us all to 'come together'
and make the 'big society'." We find David
Cameron innately funny, like some sort of
beady-eyed bird that's learned to talk.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/David_Cameron_Sings_The_...
>> 80s album covers in CSS <<
"I made some 80s album art in HTML and CSS,"
explains code-boffin Rico Monkeon. Geeky and
great.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/cssalbumart/
>> Silly House In The Afternoon <<
Presferatu loves crappy kids TV, loves it! Or
this wouldn't be so well-done. The bored muppet
is excellent. Also maybe stick around for the
animated turds.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Silly_House_In_The_After...
>> Misery Bear: Dawn of the Ted <<
The obligatory Halloween tie-in sees titular
hero Misery Bear fight off a horde of invading
zombies. Nice work, ratbanjos. Although
"titular" really should mean "has nice tits".
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Misery_Bear_Dawn_of_the_...
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: BONUS T-SHIRT ADVERTISING
Thank God it's payday...
But fuckabout there's only one more before
Xmas. Get 10% off everything before Wednesday
with the discount code PAYDAY! at ShotDead. We
got all the good stuff you need to sort Xmas or
just indulge yourself. New t-shirts poking fun
at Apple, Jim'll Fix It soap, flower hand
grenades, insulting Post-Its... Random.
Funny. Essential ...kind of.
http://bit.ly/bQoyBS
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Crappy Relationships
Last week we asked about your failed, bonkers
or just plain odd relationships. Read on for
some scarily clingy/fighty/stinky people:
http://b3ta.com/questions/relationships/
* "I knew it was over when I got this answer
phone message: 'Hey... er... oh I'd hoped to
speak to you but you must be in work... Sorry
to leave this message. Well, erm... remember I
called you last night? And I was a bit drunk?
Well I sort of got a lot more drunk. And I lost
my friends.... but I got a lift home from these
three random guys. Erm... well I thought they
were a taxi and one of them had really cute
eyes so I let him shag me on the back seat...
and then I kind of drunkenly figured that the
other two would feel left out so I let them
shag me too. Anyway, to cut a long story short,
I felt really guilty this morning so I went to
see my ex-ex-boyfriend.... and I've sort of
shagged him too. Erm. Sorry?'" (Zapiol)
* "When I was eight, I bought her Polos to
prove my devotion. She took them, ate them and
stole mine too. She then went and kissed
another boy! With fresh, minty breath that was
mine by right! The minty Jezebel! Snakes with
tits, I tells ya." (universalpsykopath)
* "I got the silent treatment - she didn't
speak to me for three days. Because I was mean
to her. IN A DREAM." (Beve The Spaniard)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your babysitter stories: brats you've
looked after, babysitters you've had and baby-
sitters you've, erm, had. Yeah, right. Talk to
us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/babysitters/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Film animated gifs <<
Raising to the level of art is this collection
of superbly-timed gifs. We particularly like
the ones of Brigitte Bardot's arse on page 5.
http://iwdrm.tumblr.com/
>> FAC-ed if I know <<
Dead Factory Records genius Anthony Wilson gets
a gravestone at last, a thing of great beauty
based on the FAC004 poster. When we die, our
gravestone is going to be an enormous animated
gif with spunky cocks and shit. Or Bardot's
arse.
http://goo.gl/RWc3
>> Huge pixel-art with 167 classic videogames <<
It's a viral thing for Tron: Legacy and it's
absolutely gorgeous. Linky goes to a thread on
our board where someone has grabbed the art out
of the annoying game bit. Print this out,
tattoo it on your penises, this is the new
poster for your fetid man-flat.
http://goo.gl/niMX
>> Amazon Audio Tape Charts <<
Amused to find tucked away on Amazon a chart of
their best-selling music tapes - at number 1
is Now That's What I Call Xmas. Also doing well
at No. 7 is Howard Jones, which must be the
first time he's been in any chart since
about 1985.
http://goo.gl/JiVA
>> The God Of Cake <<
Allie of hyperboleandahalf has outdone herself.
This is epic. To a four-year-old girl, cake is
the only thing that matters.
http://goo.gl/iN7I
>> Woman FAIL <<
"A fashion blog for men who want to look like
middle-aged suburban moms." Potentially NSFW,
and rather mean-spirited too.
http://womanfail.tumblr.com/
>> Dating for munters <<
If there could have been a dating site better
designed for the average internet user we
haven't seen it. Our readers are much prettier
than this so we're only sharing for academic
interest.
http://www.theuglybugball.com/index.php
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Fainting kittens + Shep Pettibone remix
Everywhere this week are these delightful
little kittens who suffer from "myotonia
congenita" made famous by a YouTube video of
goats from yesteryear.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fainting_Goat_Kittens
The good news is that it's already been remixed
by B3tans. zacherynuk writes, "I've solved the
Fainting Kittens Mystery, using special
noise-finding apparatus. Or something. It was
gonna be awesome, but after 10 minutes decided
I should do some real work."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fainting_Kittens_Mystery...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
It's like Revver never happened
>> Russian bath tub fireworks <<
No further description necessary.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/546606
>> Tiny cannon <<
Oh Jesus, suddenly we know what we want for
Christmas. It looks deadly though, so we'd
probably be too scared to actually fire it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Oops <<
Collected clips of people dropping the video
camera. Much better than it sounds, as it makes
you think, "Oh no, don't film near the swimming
pool!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Oops:11
>> USB typewriter <<
Luddites of the world unite! As one commenter
aptly puts it "Fuck you progress"!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Prequel to Hitchcock's "The Birds" <<
Brilliant, suspense-filled trailer to
Hitchcock's long-awaited precursor to "The
Birds".
http://goo.gl/8Ahz
>> Mobile phone in 1928? <<
Could this be a mobile phone-using
time-traveller, caught on camera by Charlie
Chaplin's film crew? Well, no, obviously. Why
would someone from the far future use scabby
old 2010 tech? Skip to 2:48 for the money
shot, avoid being wound up by the excitable
narrator. Everywhere this week.
http://goo.gl/Nt44
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Actually a name for once rather than a cocky pic
Check out the name for the president of Food
for the Poor.
http://goo.gl/uD6W
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Spending Cuts Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show the impact of
nasty Government cuts
Your favourites included:
* BBC - money disappears from the BBC coffers
and prompts a new challenge (see below) (Bela
Lugosi's Dad)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10227114
* SHOPS - a return to Victorian living
conditions is almost inevitable (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10226931
* NAG - Jeremy the annoying horse gets a
promotion (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10226664
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cuts/
>> New challenge: New TV Idents <<
TV companies spend millions getting design
agencies to supply ever-more imaginative idents
to represent their "core values" and "brand
image". We think the same job can be done by
b3tards for pence. So fire up Photoshop and
show the professionals how it's done.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/idents/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* IS THATCHER DEAD YET? Not yet, but the Daily
Mail's had an aneurysm about the site made by a
naughty little b3tan.
http://goo.gl/xcVK
* "I AM ON BBC3, NAKED IN THE BATH," brags
Pedantichrist. "That's about it really. I look
fat too."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_am_on_BBC3_naked_in_th...
* BRIAN BLESSED FLASH MOB - Here's is your
chance to meet Brian Blessed - next Thursday.
TomTom have a load of Blessed Beards and the
Blessed will be present:
http://goo.gl/ujXa
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: YOUR GUIDE TO NUMBERS
And their relationship with excreta. No place
for knob-cheese, we are disappointed to find.
Number one: wee
Number two: poo
Number three: semen
Number four: a period
Number five: tears
Number six: ear wax
Number seven: Belly button fluff
Number eight: Snot
Number nine: Dry sebum squeezed from an ancient
spot that comes out like angel hair spaghetti
Number ten: That gunk you get under your toe
nails that tastes salty
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If you
are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SCIENCE! DOES POO GET MOULDY? Keep a turd in a
bucket for a few weeks, photograph it every day.
* TICKET MACHINE JACKPOT - apparently some
ticket machines will only take a certain amount
of small change in payment before rejecting the
lot, Vegas jackpot-style. Someone try this and
film yourself whooping it up over your 'win'.
* LOCAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES - Got an A2
printer? Print all caps headlines and stick
them in the holders outside newsagents.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sex: [email protected]
Death: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Guy Incognito,
RedHouse, LeightonJimbo, Pedantichrist, Dan dan
dan, @davepattee, Elvis of Nazareth, Cliff
Richard's porn stash, Fluffster Top Tippery by
~\(_0)/~ Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via The Great Architect.
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TOP TIP:
Save cash! Your partner may like to see a
colourful bowl of fruit proudly displayed on
the kitchen table, but you'll end up dumping it
after 3-4 days. Keep your fruit in the fridge,
it will last weeks.
