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This Week:
* CAT - vs printer, translated
* CUTS - Sir Ian Bowler sings
* GIFS - Emote glossary

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're kicking the       
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     poor with a Tory
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        boot... together"

B3ta CD-Rom 451 - 22 Oct 2010

Read this issue backwards and summon Satan:

      Spend:  [email protected]
        Cut:    [email protected]


  XXX Factor shocker!

  X Factor's loved-up contestants papped in
  raunchy porn shop. Susan Boyle implicated.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  ...and we'll sit in cyber-beans for, well beans.


  Other than producing excessive earwax

  >> The cat vs printer - Translated <<
  Tremble, IT support nerds: your days are
  numbered. "This may have already been done,"
  shrugs Slurpy J. "But I only saw it recently
  and this is the first thing that came into my

  >> Green Zone deleted scene <<
  "I can see why they left this out," claims
  ratbanjos of this extra scene from the Matt
  Damon thriller.

  >> Sir Ian Bowler on The Cuts <<
  Fragrant Tory spokesman Sir Ian Bowler sings a
  little song about the Comprehensive Spending
  Review. via Natt.  

  >> Dan Bull pirate rap <<
  None of that 'Talk Like a Pirate' bollocks
  though, as Dan once again vents his spleen on
  the record industry's big boys for picking on
  the Pirate Bay. Right on! Edited by the
  delightful Joe Rigby, and directed by B3ta's
  very own Russ Houghton.

  >> Up the bum <<
  Jesus. Fucking. Christ. "This brings the
  'Touching things is fun' trilogy to a close,"
  brags koit. In future, this will stand up there
  with Kieslowski's Three Colours trilogy. But
  the colours will be brown, yellow and a sort of
  spunky white.

  >> X Factor compactor <<
  Live everyone's dream of mashing up Simon
  Cowell's face with Dannii, using this
  entertaining little online toy. Cheers Q4nobody!


  Things to do before you die

  Last week we asked what was on you wish list of
  things to do before you died and, crucially,
  why. Go read dadadali's humbling piece on dying
  of a "bizarre auto-immune illness":

  * "Twelve years ago, a friend and I were
  leaving school forever. We made up a list of
  things we had to accomplish now that we walked
  in the world of men. I still have it; a useful
  reminder of what, as young teens, we felt were
  important achievements. Here are a select few:
  + Foil a baddy in the execution of his duties
  + Find an amount of money exceeding 100 pounds
  + Make an enemy cry with a witty rejoinder
  + Lance a boil
  + Boil a lance, for the fuck of it
  + Catch someone who is falling (preferably with
    one hand, height of fall irrelevant)
  + Egg on a street fighter
  + Shrug nonchalantly. Mean it.
  + Faint
  + Chair a meeting stood up, pacing, and smoking
    a cigar
  + Serenade the wrong window
  + Have a drink slid to me by a stranger in an
  + Be cursed
  + Arm-wrestle a lesbian
  + Rue the day
  + Visit a celebrity in prison. Demand that they
    stop writing me letters.
  + Kick out a farmer
  + Fool a camel
  Still working on most of them."
  (Wet chinned bag-shanker)
  * "My boy is 20 tomorrow and before I die I
  would love to see him crying, sobbing, on the
  sofa in front of me begging for help. Tired
  beyond belief, unable to speak, eyes rolling
  round in sockets that have bags the size of
  suitcases under them. Wondering to himself how
  he got in this mess. Unsure if his life will
  ever be the same again. Thinking he has made a
  terrible, terrible mistake. Then I can scoop up
  the bundle of screaming, red faced, crying
  grandchild into my arms and make it all better.
  Pour all my heart into something my dearest
  love in the world has produced, and spoil them
  all to death. I fucking can't wait to be a
  grandma." (Dr.Caligari's cabinet maker)
  * "I really want to teach a parrot to say
  "Help! They've turned me into a parrot!" (Count

  >> This Week's Question: Relationships <<
  How crap is your relationship? What has your
  partner done that's convinced you the magic's
  gone? "Breathe" is not an answer:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> GIF Glossary <<
  Despite the onslaught of new technologies, the
  animated gif shows no signs of dying. Pretty
  lucky really as it's what B3ta is mostly known
  for. That, and celebrating kittens before the
  internet went all lolcatty.

  >> Secretary Cat <<
  This week B3tans have been mostly masturbating
  to photos of Justin Beiber dressed as a
  schoolgirl, dogs with human cocks photoshopped
  between their legs and this lady dressed as a

  >> Google Teleport <<
  Google SteetMaps + random = sort of
  teleportation machine, and it doesn't even have
  to kill you and create a replica elsewhere to
  work. Not until version 2.0 anyway.

  >> Unfunny shit on the web <<
  Don't trust your own opinions? Why not read
  this guy's huge list of things on the web he
  finds unfunny. We can't decide if us not being
  on it means A. We're amazing funny or B. We're
  not culturally relevant enough to be worth
  mocking. Probably the latter.

  >> Unnecessary quotation marks <<


  Imagine pixels represent real events lol

  >> "He moved his arms and legs today" <<
  American football player makes unexpectedly
  strong recovery from spinal injury.

  >> Tractor Music <<
  Nice bit of fun as a band jams with a tractor.
  This is what people did in the days before drum

  >> Racist school trip <<
  Bloke reminisces about a field trip... to the
  cotton fields of the southern US.

  >> Drunk dude attacks officer with a dildo <<
  What would you do if a bloke attacks you with a
  dildo? You'd probably have to beat him off. etc
  etc etc.

  >> How to meet European men <<
  Video series that aims to teach holidaying
  American women how to pick up European men. Men
  are sophisticated, so don't just lean on the
  furniture - dance like a stripper!

  >> Super Massive Raver vs. Diana Vickers <<
  Super Massive Raver tries desperate measures to
  rid his brain of X Factor contestant Diana
  Vickers. Enjoyably twattish.


  Old school phallic logo-lols

  With an added squirl of jizz.


  Results from the Squirrels Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to relate the
  importance of squirrels throughout history

  Your favourites included:

  * HITLER - der Führer's inspiration for Mein
  Kampf finally revealed (Smallbrainfield)

  * DYLAN - subterranean homesick squirrel makes
  a classic video (eclectech)

  * HATS - doink doink doink doink doink doink
  doink doink doink (WiL)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Spending Cuts <<
  It's cut, cut, cut. The Coalition are saving
  money everywhere they can by cutting back on
  everything they can. Where will it end? Use
  Photoshop to reveal all.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SNAILS AT THE SAATCHI - Hampster Squared
  writes, "B3ta newslettered my painted snails
  couple of weeks back. Since then, I won a
  national competition and got to shove my snails
  in the Saatchi Gallery (I don't think Mr
  Saatchi himself saw them, as I gather there was
  a falling out between him and the competition
  people)! On the judging panel was Vic Reeves,
  who wandered round and on the third viewing
  suddenly exclaimed 'Oooh, they're ALIVE!' Yes,
  they are indeed. Have some pics :D"

  second-favourite website (we're addicted to the
  IAMA section) interviews B3ta's surrealist

  the punters at MeFi think so.

  * 1998 PROJECT UPDATE- Jon Silk writes,
  "feedback keeps coming in thick and fast, a web
  design company wants to build me a dedicated
  1998 Project site, and Orange have got in touch
  and are reducing my payment to £15 a month for
  just calls and texts. Should've thought my
  demands through a little better really."

  * ISTHATCHERDEADYET - turns out that this
  project was co-created by old school B3tan
  @jearle who also points out some of the hate
  mail he's received including:
  "Fuck you all and hope YOU fucking die!"
  "The #whenthatcherdies hashtag is one of the
  more despicable uses of Twitter I've seen.
  Website is awful too:"
  "Is there a website that tells us if @jearle
  and @antoniojl are dead? Because that would be

  * MILLIGAN'S GRAVE - Robnob writes, "I went to
  Spike Milligan's grave last year in St Thomas's
  Church in Winchelsea but I couldn't find it. An
  old chap, who I assume just waits every day for
  twats like me, showed me where it is but it
  didn't have the words "I told you I was ill" on
  it. Oh no, it's written in Gaelic." Yep,
  checking this on Wikipedia, you can even see a

  * JUSTIN BIEBER CORNER - Shedside has written
  in to inform us that he calls the famous Bieber
  hair cut a "Bieber-do", which we kinda like as
  it sounds like something Scatman John might

  * MILKY TEABAGS - Applecore writes, "If the
  review is any indication, it must be good."

  * MORE MILKY TEABAGS - whereas TBL writes,
  "Ummm these exist. Our office has a Kenco
  machine with vile 'white' PG Tips cardboard
  cups full of this decrepit vileocity. I keep
  asking for the non-powdered version, but there
  is clearly some dependant chemical in it, as I
  cannot get enough of the indigestion-inducing


  95 games all disguised as work

  bobbycutters writes, "I've just started to work
  my way through them but some of them are real
  sweet, and all conveniently disguised as Word
  docs so I suppose you could get away with it at
  work. The highlights for me so far is No.22 -
  Paintball - level three is a huge picture of a



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

 Things we'd really like to see include:

  * THEBESTPLACETOSTAND - Trev asks, "I wanted to
  email you about the webpages b3ta would like to
  see section - I'd love to see a website called
  thebestplacetostand.com, which tells you the
  best place to stand at a London Underground
  station to be guaranteed of getting to your
  destination quicker - for example, if I'm
  getting on a train at Chancery Lane and want to
  get off at Tottenham Court Road to change onto
  the Northern Line, then where should I stand,
  at the far side, the near side, or somewhere in
  the middle? It would save minutes off my
  average journey time, and if everyone started
  doing it, then it would help to ease Tube
  congestion and reduce people stopping to a dead
  halt on the platform looking like confused

  * WEIRDEST SEARCH RETURNS - oxbow_lakes asks,
  "Whilst searching for a still from that
  election programme in 1979 where David Dimbleby
  was caught chewing on a Mars bar at 5am, I
  typed "dimbleby mars bar election" into Google
  images, expecting the magic search goblins to
  instantly produce the precise thing I was
  looking for.

  "Imagine my surprise when a startlingly random
  array of happenstance filled the screen,
  including but not limited to:

  - Richard Dawkins looking at a Cricket sometime
    in the 1970s 
  - Client Eastwood as The Man With No Name
  - John Major blowing his nose
  - a Green Britney Spears atop a grimacing
    Hilary Clinton
  - Wales
  - The obligatory scantily-clad woman

  "What four word search term produces the most
  random array of results, and how would one go
  about defining a measurement of randomness for
  a sample of pictures anyway?"

  * MUSHROOM IDENTIFIER - whatspauldoing writes,
  "In your seemingly never-ending quest to get
  geeks to make you iPhone apps, I wondered if
  you could tout this as an idea. I've just moved
  into a house with a north-facing garden and I
  keep finding interesting mushrooms in my lawn.
  The problem is I have no idea what's what in
  mushroom land, so... I would like an app where
  I can take a picture of the specimen and it
  will come back with a likely match. I need to
  know what's delicious and what's deadly!
  Another problem could be that I have an Android
  phone so I'd need an Android version as well,
  please. Given that you are the voice of the
  internets I'm sure you can sort it."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


 Subscribphilia:  [email protected]
 Subscribicide:  [email protected]


  This week credits have imaginary autobiography
  titles in them. Issue was written by Rob 'I,
  Robert' Manuel with David 'Luck of the Draw'
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by spicy_grandma,
  jdkpummel, TheSnark, Philip_newzealand,
  Damocles, humanthing, slippery doctore, MrKane,
  Muncee, Pazuzu, Ian Woosnam. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser 'Letting the cat
  out of the bag' Lewry. Mike 'The Burning
  Question' Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
  benito vasselini.


  TOP TIP(s):
  Back in the old days we used to run genuine
  tips - avoiding gags as it seemed a too obvious
  rip-off of Viz. But people wouldn't stop
  sending gags in so we ended up running them
  anyway. However, this week we're finding time
  to mention again the @Heroswitzerland project,
  to collect the oddest tips found in pikey

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