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"B3ta applauds risky Robin Hood Airport viral marketing campaign"
This Week:
* SONG - Millbank Wankers
* AUTOCORRECT - iPhone lols
* JUNK - Your redundant tech

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "Did Thom Yorke ever      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  upgrade his OK computer
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   and get a better one?

B3ta email 454 - 12 NOV 2010

Read this issue with your psychic third eye:

Waterboarding:  [email protected]
Waterbonging:  [email protected]


  Booze Amnesty

  Partying around the clock is awesome but there
  comes a point when your supplies get low and
  you start wondering about quaffing that old
  bottle of Creme De Menthe (or even Toilet
  Duck) just to keep the night going. HELP IS AT
  HAND! Upload your rubbish old booze to Glayva
  Liqueur's facebook page and the most revolting
  samples will be transformed into gorgeous
  Glayva Liqueur, plus you may even win a VIP
  trip to Edinburgh, where all the keenest
  tipplers live.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Protest Songs, Fingers and Bits of Essex

  >> A song for the Millbank Wankers <<
  "The dickheads who violently broke into Tory
  HQ made me really angry," growls Dan Bull. "So
  I wrote a song about what dickheads they are."
  The last line succinctly summarises a lot of
  people's feelings about the rogue student

  >> Hand fingers <<
  Mutated Monty returns with another
  brain-bending vid - It looks like the title
  sequence to a TV show about staring at your
  hands and realising you're having a breakdown.

  >> Cassetteboy vs Essex <<
  "Cassetteboy have been taking food from the
  hand they had been biting," confesses
  cassetteboy. "Which is a rather roundabout way
  of saying that a TV company actually
  commissioned us to cut up one of their
  programmes. We have celebrated (or should that
  be betrayed) our Essex roots, with this video,
  Cassetteboy vs The Only Way Is Essex"


  Sponsored linky time

  Smoke at your desk and watch your boss's face.
  New JAC Vapour e-cigarette - a true
  alternative to smoking AND save money. For 20%
  off, use code: B3TA1


  Redundant Technology

  We asked for the old bits of tech you have
  lovingly hoarded because you just can't bear
  to let them go. We so, so want Ring Of Fire's
  clock and Inflateable's 1949 2-5/8" RB8 Acme
  Gridley Automatic multispindle. Go look here:

  * "I recently threw away my collection of
  printed pornography. I gathered all my mags
  up, chucked them in a bin bag and dumped it in
  my neighbour's bin. As I did so, I felt a tear
  course down my cheek. There was no point of
  leaving the collection in the woods for kids
  to find, cherish and masturbate furiously to.
  Bloody new-fangled internet ruining the
  traditions of the past." (Crap Little Monkey)

  * "There's nothing that fits the description
  of redundant technology than the good, old-
  fashioned letter. My best friend growing up
  was Alan. Same age as me, we'd met at school
  and became mates pretty quickly. This was the
  early 90s. Although we were learning in IT
  about a world-wide network of computers and
  the prospect of electronic mail, it was still
  a few years off and the main form of long
  distance communication was by phone or letter.
  Alan had a cousin a couple of years older than
  us with whom he'd exchange letters every few
  weeks - till one day Alan received a letter
  full of the normal witterings, but signed off
  in a way that he had never seen before. He
  couldn't understand what the strange phrase
  meant. So he went to his very conservative
  mother. "Mum..." he asked, reading aloud from
  the end of the letter, "what does 'See you NT'
  mean?" It was only speaking it aloud, coupled
  with the jaw-dropping horror displayed by his
  mum, that made him realise he'd been properly
  stitched up."
  * "I'm still using a Hawking-Heisenberg drive.
  It never breaks, and even though it's a bit
  less accurate than an iTravel, so what? It's
  not like I'm going to end up before time
  travel was invented and out of fuel."

  >> This Week's Question: Protests <<
  Have you sat in, walked out, smashed up the
  head office of a major political party? Whine
  at us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Auto correct lols <<
  In a really shitty UI decision, the iPhone has
  a massively over-zealous autocorrect that
  changes the odd word in almost everything you
  type into something completely mental. It's
  extremely easy to not spot this until after
  you've pressed Send.

  >> Chewing gum art <<
  In a move that we're stuggling to describe as
  "like the Wombles meets Banksy", those with
  eyes should check out this dude, who's using
  pavement gum as his canvas. If we could
  commission him we'd get him to do a series
  saying things like, "stick it in the bin you
  dirty bastards."

  >> Worst site ever #22 <<
  Shit design is always good for a cheap laugh
  and if we were a fuck-off ad agency like
  Mother, this is exactly what our site would
  look like.

  >> Science! Why don't McDonald's burgers rot? <<
  You've probably seen that story about
  McDonalds burgers not rotting because they're
  "made of chemicals" but this lovely bit of
  debunking tells a different tale.


  Real life, 3 inches wide. Like a fat mouse.

  >> The Power Of Bob Marley Compels You! <<
  Squalling brat instantly soothed by the
  calming power of sweet reggae music. A banana
  soaked in Tia Maria also works.

  >> Blackstar Warrior! <<
  The legendary, lost blaxploitation Star Wars
  film. Lando Calrissian is a bad mother - shut
  your mouth!

  >> Science saved my soul <<
  Serious and emotionally involving vid, as a
  chap describes his, well, his religious
  experience. But his one was for science, so in
  your face Jesus.

  >> Favourable Lie <<
  Bloke learns not to feel fear on the golf
  course, in top-notch rum ad. Huzzah.

  >> Peter Sissons on Anne Robinson <<
  Unguarded clip of Peter Sissons seeing Anne
  Robinson for the first time in a while.
  Definitely a hint of Chris Morris in there.


  Funny name follow ups! Jizz special

  * CHUNKY JIZZ - Sub Rosa writes, "When I
  started work with the RSPB three years ago I
  went on a training course about bird watching.
  Imagine my horror when the trainer calmly read
  out his second slide entitled 'Great tits have
  a distinctive, chunky jizz.' I had to pretend
  to need the loo so I could go and cry."

  * ARAB JIZZ - John Q. Wagonwheel writes, "I
  recommend the first chapter of this (otherwise
  head-meltingly boring) book by former
  ambassador Mark Allen for lols. His framework
  for the book is hilariously out of touch. As
  he explains in his opener, "An ornithologist
  would say I am interested in the jizz of the
  Arab". And this is how he carries on. In the
  space of two pages he follows through with
  "Arabs have jizz, big jizz", explaining that
  "there is an aspirational approach to
  'Arab-ness', being an Arab, and it lies, I
  believe, near the heart of the Arab jizz."
http://bit.ly/akBPS3 (Google books)


  Results from the Impossible Weapons Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to invent unlikely

  Your favourites included:

  * PACINO - for when the Godfather gets really,
  really angry (mofaha)

  * MUFFINS - a brilliant array of medieval
  cake-based armoury (barryheadwound)

  * DARTH - Jedi knights prepare for battle with
  deadly floral ammunition (Barbarossa)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Modernise the Queen <<
  With the Queen now a presence on Facebook,
  Flickr and Twitter, she's obviously interested
  in integrating more fully with modern society.
  Show us how Her Maj should achieve this and
  get down wiv da hip kids. Challenge suggested
  by HappyToast


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GINGER FUHRER BURGLARY - "I've written a
  poem addressed to the bastards who robbed the
  flat yesterday. I'm fighting crime with art,"
  snarls your now-very-annoyed flame-haired boss

  matthewbowler writes, "Just to keep it in the
  newsletter for the fifth week, can I point
  out that when I forwarded the link to my
  missus she immediately thought it referred to
  "That Cher" from X Factor."

  * DAILY MASH CASH-IN BOOK - "I was wondering
  if I could scrounge a mention in the B3ta
  newsletter for our fab new book!" inquires
  Daily Mash Paul. "It's very funny, though we
  say so ourselves. And we really should meet up
  for a beer or a coffee when I'm in London (I'm
  based Glasgow)." We'll report back if we ever
  indeed meet Paul for a beer / coffee - or is
  he just trying to lure us with false promises
  so we linky his book?

  * MUSHROOM RETRACTION - we've had loads of
  emails about which mushrooms you should or
  shouldn't eat and, frankly, the best advice is
  don't get any advice from B3ta on the subject
  of eating fungus. If you've ever read anything
  we've said on the subject, ignore it; you
  might die. Having said that, we liked this
  comment from 8bitwintermute, who writes, "When
  eating wild mushrooms: keep some uncooked ones
  back, so that when you drop to the floor
  clutching your guts, your next of kin has
  something to show the doctor in A&E."

  Hazarde writes, "You ought to apologise to us
  all for including an advertisement for that
  incorrigible cuntsucker Richard Herring in
  last week's newsletter. He is a poor man's
  Stuart Lee, who is a poor man's Ted
  Chippington, who aspired to be a lorry driver.
  Need I say more? He skipped in front of me in
  the queue in a student bar once. And bought *a
  coffee*. There you go. You have your orders."
  Pah! - we like him. We recently read his book
  about being old and behaving like a kid. It's
  entertaining stuff and is actually better than
  Stuart Lee's book which, although interesting
  in parts, is basically a typed-out DVD
  commentary to his recent stand up shows.
  Anyway, seeing as we don't like the Herring
  being dissed, here's a linky to his DVD again,
  with a quote we give full permission to use
  for a re-issue, "It's probably not shit; his
  book was funny."


  B3ta: the Internet's email newsletter of record

  Long-term b3tan and Brummie pixel-fiddler
  FoldsFive writes, "It might be cheeky (and
  more than a tad soppy) but would it be
  possible to thank the lovely Tara (a.k.a. Blue
  Star) for making me the happiest man in the
  world by marrying me last Saturday? Might be
  worthy of note that a lot of the Internet
  arrived and scrubbed up quite well
  considering, and that Druid made an excellent
  best man." Hooray! Hooplar! And here's hoping
  there will be soon little b3ta babies you can
  train up so our community doesn't die out.


  White Jigsaw

  Not some kind of KKK puzzle only playable by
  our pale-faced brethren, but an addictive game
  that gets bigger every time you complete a



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A NEW FORM OF TWITTER - that doesn't have
  anyone on it who works in law enforcement or
  at an airport.

  * FACETHEFEAR.COM - Help people overcome their
  phobias through aversion therapy. Ask people
  what their fear is, pop up a window with a
  slide-show of youTube/image results and time
  how long they can keep the window open.

  * HIPSTR-TRACKR.COM - Collect where users of
  foursquare and other geo-location sites are
  hanging out right now and generate local maps
  of areas blissfully free from hipsters.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


      Friends:  [email protected]
 Backstabbers:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by TomChivers,
  Cliff Richard's porn stash, coliander, WiL,
  Octamed, Palladium_NZ, sandcrack, Logovend,
  davebirss, Smale Top Tippery by A Vagabond
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols suggested by @lukosan, well, they
  flattared us and suggested we use a variation
  on something we'd already used on twitter and
  got 45 retweets. Our ego is that easily
  pandered to.


  Fool friends and relatives into thinking
  you've just got a cat by saying "I've just got
  a cat." 

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