NEWSLETTER: "QUITTING THE ONE SHOW TO BE A FULL TIME SEX PEST"
"Texting your friend about a bereavement, and your name's Lol"
This Week:
* HARRY POTTER - cassetteboy-style
* GOOD DOG - does tricks
* HOW TO - "Big Motherfucking Lens"
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving soles
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for... the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Footware Christ"
B3ta email 455 - 19 Nov 2010
Tweet this newsletter and get a criminal record:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue455/
Winners club: [email protected]
Sadsacks: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then you're a spacist.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Harry Potter, Chap Hop and Flashmobs
>> Harry Potter and the X-Rated Trailer <<
"Not sure how long this one will last," frets
cassetteboy, over this extremely smutty clip.
Every double-entendre from the Harry Potter
films, in one place for your entertainment
pleasure. Get in there before the lawyers do.
http://b3ta.com/links/Harry_Potter_and_the_X_Rated...
>> Fighting Trousers - Professor Elemental <<
We greatly enjoyed the last vid from Mssrs
Moog and Elemental, Little Cup of Brown Joy.
"This one is a dis rap to that blaggard Master
B The Gentleman Rhymer, who has apparently
been 'biting'' the good professor's style,"
explains Moog. "The Biggie & Tupac beef will
look like Pinky & Perky by the time it's over."
http://b3ta.com/links/Fighting_Trousers_Professor_...
>> What is a flashmob? <<
B3tan Housewife has some news footage that
explains everything:
http://b3ta.com/links/Forget_flash_mobbing_theres_...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Anarchy! Protesting!
Last week we were high from watching the TV
footage of the students fucking up Tory
central and we asked what you had protested
about.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/protest/
Our favourite answers included:
* KIDS CUSTARD PROTEST - "My ex once promised
our four kids, then aged about 4-10, cake and
custard after tea. He shamefully reneged. The
footy was on, or something, and he slunk off
to watch TV. The kids complained to me. I
quickly made them four little protest signs,
out of cardboard rectangles taped to rulers,
which said 'Cake and custard NOW!' and 'Cake!
Custard!' and so on. They paraded them in
front of their father, chanting 'We want cake
and custard! We want cake and custard!' and
totally disrupting his telly viewing. Sighing
like a true martyr, he dragged himself off
into the kitchen to whip up the promised
dessert. Pester power, eh!" (Juan Quar)
* FATHER TED / DOWN WITH THIS SORT OF THING -
Emvee writes, "I never thought I'd achieve
this level of web-based fame thanks to a very
hastily knocked-together placard ...but more
people emailed me about this than pretty much
anything else I've done."
http://www.failblog.org/2009/10/15/protest-fail-3/
* "BOYCOTT SHAMPOO! Demand REAL poo."
(Galactic Yeti)
And if this has whetted your appetite for
more, feast on dear reader, on our wordy
banquet:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/protest/
>> This week: Unusual talents <<
You know the kind of stuff - bending your
fingers into weird positions that makes people
go 'ewww!'.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/talent/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> How to Make a 900mm lens <<
Buzzfeed gives you the knowledge of how to
make a "big motherfucking lens".
http://goo.gl/S4pBS
>> Oddest tattoo ever? <<
Pazuzu writes, "I was just looking for a good
scaffolding picture on flickr and found...
this." What thought process leads you to
tattooing a bear trapped in scaffolding onto
your body? We asked on Twitter and current
theory is that it's something to do with
Chinese medicine and delicious "bear bile."
http://goo.gl/qPdmW
>> Doggies & Dildos <<
Dogs demonstrate their failure to understand
phallic symbolism. Aww bless 'im, who's hungry
for cock? Is it you? Yes it is!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/dildos-and-doggies
>> Bad logo competition <<
Don't just enjoy the internet's many, many
examples of terrible corporate design - join
this competition and make your own. There's
also a gallery of the entries so far,
involving rainbows, dolphins, faeces and the
word "synergistic".
http://howlowcanyourlogo.com/
>> "Where do my poos go?" <<
Wonder no more, for the answer is available
via this site. All you have to do is put in
your location, your email and the time you
flushed - then the world can observe your
toilet habits on Google Maps.
http://www.flushtracker.com
>> How long can you last on the chicken raft? <<
We lasted about 6 seconds and got nostalgic
for a simpler time when sites like these were
an exciting glimpse of the future.
http://www.chickenonaraft.com/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Sleeping Floof
These kittens look lovely and cosy, snoozing
in their basket. But wait, how many kitties
are there?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sleeping_Floof
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: B3TA PEOPLE #2
Cheryl Cole, Road Trips and Slow-mo
>> Super Massive Raver vs Cheryl Cole (as an orange) <<
We don't understand Super Massive Raver, but
he frightens us, so here he is taking a long,
rave-sized swing at the X-Factor, and pining
for a real proper pop star.
http://goo.gl/ywmw3
>> Lincolnshire roadtrip <<
"Sunday, was bored, drove around LINCOLNSHIRE
- the most exciting of places - filmed it,
made this. Think of it as a tourist
information thing," explains timoncheese.
Strangely enjoyable, the edited highlights of
someone's boredom.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lincolnshire_Roadtrip
>> Slow-motion glide through Bath Spa station <<
Straylight stuck a high fps video camera out
the window of a train, as it raced through
Bath Spa station. The result is a smooth pan
through barely-moving people, noticing details
that'd normally pass you by.
http://goo.gl/AcTpR
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Otherwise known as "vids"
>> That Royal wedding interview <<
Prince William and Kate Middleton speak
surprisingly candidly about their sexual
adventures in Kenya.
http://goo.gl/Iai5E
>> Good dog! <<
This doggie knows an impressive number of
amazing tricks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Good_dog
>> Every Arnold scream ever <<
The crystallized fruits of a twenty-year film
career, here's just under eight minutes of
strangulated vocalisation from the Austrian
Oak himself.
http://goo.gl/vVtmU
>> World's biggest Harry Potter fan <<
Fake or real, there's is an impressive display
of Rowling-enriching merchandise, as this
bespectacled young lad proclaims that he's the
world's best Potter fan. And he's single.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "Sky Sports" slo-mo <<
Is it better to be the fist or the anus?
Wince-inducing slow motion puts you right
where the action is (SFW).
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sky_Sports
>> Creepy thing of the day <<
Beauty ad that comes across like a sequence
from 1980s Doctor Who. With the music, it's
both terrifying and slightly sad.
http://tinyurl.com/3xdrtqr
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: IT LOOKS LIKE A COCK
Previous known as "funny name corner"
* Grips for your bike - Proof, if any were
needed, that BMX riders are wankers.
http://goo.gl/nUUWG
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Modern Monarchy Challenge
Last week we wanted you to modernise the
Queen. Your favourites included:
* INFLATABLE - Brenda finally provides value
for money with a saucy makeover (LS18)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10247895
* RIOT - a spiffing time had playing British
bulldog down Millbank way (Frogcloset)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10248437
* CORGI - run, Lizzie, run! Our head of state
finally hits the skids (elvisweathercock)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10250316
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/modernqueen/
>> New challenge: Inappropriate Memorabilia <<
It's not just the royal wedding: there are
lots of historical events whose memory would
be best preserved with a whole range of tacky,
bad taste souvenirs. Your job is to design
them.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/merch/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* AWARDS FOR SEXY POLITICIANS - tom scott
writes, "I've declared the winners of Sexual
Congress, the "vote for the most attractive
politician" thing from newsletter 432. Also, I
sent them trophies. I hope Homeland Security
won't mind."
http://www.tomscott.com/congress/
* JESSIE MEMORIAL GIG - Professor Kenny Martin
writes, "I'm organising a charity gig in
memory of Jessie. Could I be cheeky and ask
for a mention in the newsletter please? I'm
splitting the profit we make between charities
Nina supported, including the Cat Survival
Trust in Welwyn; home of Nina the snow
leopard, who's been featured on here a few
times (mostly by Jahled). Could you pass on my
thanks in the newsletter too, please? For all
the well wishes, tributes & messages - they've
really helped."
http://www.facebook.com/event.php
* B3TA /TALK SONG - our messageboard has
factions, here's one lot giving another bunch
a kicking. Amusing. Mu-hahaha THEY ARE LIKE
ANTS IN A JAR, FIGHTING FOR OUR PLEASURE.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Gilbert_and_Sullivan_do_...
* RIP POOR DEAD KITTENS - smoothpete sobs, "I
thought you might want to know that the
Fainting Kittens you linked to have both died.
Perhaps you might want to give them a little
RIP mention in the newsletter." Rest in peace,
little kittens. Not dead, only fainting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* USER ID TATTOO - Wildheart Baby has just
shown us his latest tattoo on twitter. He took
his user_id number from the messageboard and
permanently inked it onto his knuckles. He
writes, "It's my reminder that you can do
strange things if your mental health is a bit
off."
http://upthear.se/1i4
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: FRIDAY GAME
Apostrophe test
OCD Grammar freaks! Make your less literate
friends feel like shit by scoring highly in
this quiz.
http://goo.gl/l3DLo
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: "STAR" IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A TOILET THAT COUNTS OUR SHITS - we're
pretty sure we do rather a lot of them but
never remember to keep a tally. Our wife
cleans the marks off the bathroom wall.
* A CURE FOR APATHY AND PROCRASTINATION - so
we could actually write this bit of the
newsletter effectively.
* CAT COLLAR BOTTLE OPENER - Clunky writes, "I
keep losing my bottle opener. My Dentist says
my days of opening bottles of beer with my
teeth are over. I can usually find my cat
(called Boink). I need a teeny, tiny bottle
opener that I can attach to my cat's collar. I
am wondering if any B3tans may have any ideas
where I can get one from. I want something
that will not have a negative impact on my
cat's life/fun ratio and will be usable."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sexyfuntime: [email protected]
Lonelytime: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Theophile
Escargot, TheoEsc, Cliff Richard's porn stash,
cockneydevil, Ben Goldacre, [sic], mrGodFrey,
sandcrack, Revilo, Death Wish Of A Deaf Fish,
p_nut268, @PucatuB, mongychops,
lendmeyoureyes, @tobiefysh Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. He's like a superhero
that when somebody needs saving he turns up
with 50 web people, who then lie about their
childhood. Subjlols via HappyToast.
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TOP TIP:
Tony Redfearn writes, "Guys, impress and get
the woman of your dreams in to bed by simply
telling her you have a 12-inch penis. By the
time she finds out the truth it will be too
late."
