NEWSLETTER: "B3TA NEWSLETTER: YULE LOVE IT!"
This Week:
* KUNT - We can do it! WE CAN!
* CHARLIE MANSON - Casio keyboard funk-miester
* QUIMS - Why not colour them in?
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're typing an
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ellipsis... together"
B3ta email 459 - 17 Dec 2010
Retweet this issue to your dead cat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue459/
Good children: [email protected]
Bad children: [email protected]
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YOU can help Kunt and the Gang get the most
offensive Xmas hit of all time.
Download 'Use My Arsehole As A C*nt' from NOW
until Sat 18 December to qualify for Xmas
chart. IT'S VERY CLOSE TO THE TOP 40. EVERY
SINGLE DOWNLOAD COUNTS.
Link to download from iTunes
http://goo.gl/R2hx7
Link to download from Amazon
http://goo.gl/T3R0h
7 versions counts as 7 sales in the main chart.
The Nick Clegg version video here:
http://bit.ly/igxfYb
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than knitting mittens for kittens
>> Charles Manson plays the keyboards <<
The infamous cult leader puts on a fabulous
synth show, according to Rattlehead. Love this
footage - the man sure loves to dance!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Charles_Manson_Plays_The...
>> Cassetteboy Christmash <<
"Well, it's that time of year when we dust off
our old Festive Christmas single, and shove it
in people's faces again," apologises
cassetteboy. "To celebrate, we've remixed it a
bit, meaning you can listen to all your least
favourite Christmas anthems in the the space
of about ten minutes, and get them out of the
way for another year."
http://goo.gl/iDEo6
>> Where do I put the toilet paper? <<
"I've made a world-wide survey of toilet paper
habits," boasts a tanned new_matt. "Seeing as
I've just got back from South America, I could
have done with it when I was out there."
Potentially very useful, if you need to go
somewhere exotic.
http://www.wheredoiputthepaper.com/
>> Emily Davison Blues <<
"Here's a protest song for the newsletter,"
cries Tim Morris. "I filmed it, outisde Nick
Clegg's Sheffield constituency office, Grace
Petrie wrote the song and sung it. Emily
Davison was a suffragette who went under the
King's horse." We like this resurgence of
student protest - it reminds us of some
pictures we once saw of the 60s.
http://bit.ly/gQjZlh
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
It's not what it looks like!
Last week we asked for those innocent
situations that didn't look quite so innocent
to everyone else, let alone the sex-offenders
unit:
http://b3ta.com/questions/notwhatitlookslike/
* "My mate Simon used to be an illustrator, often
working late into the night at home. One night
he was mounting some work when he sliced a bit
of his finger off with a scalpel - really badly.
He couldn't stop the flow so, panicked, he went
to wake up his flatmate in the hope that she'd
be able to help him staunch the bleeding. She
opens her door, takes one look at his finger
pumping claret and promptly falls to the floor
in a dead faint. A few seconds later she comes
to, apologising for being a wuss. Simon helps
her up, smearing blood all over her in the
process. She helps him get to the bathroom in
order to wash his finger, only to faint once
again at the sight of the bleeding gash. As she
falls, her nightshirt rides up and - whoops -
she's naked underneath. Intent on protecting his
friend's modesty, Simon goes to grab her nightshirt
to pull it down, which is when his other flatmate
arrives home and opens up the bathroom door: to
find Simon poised over the unconscious, bloody
body of their friend, hands dripping gore,
apparently attempting to strip her naked..."
(MrsP)
* "Some years ago, my mate Matt had a daughter
who was in the toilet training phase and would
still have occasional accidents. So he and his
wife would carry spare underwear and trousers
for their daughter just in case. One day he
nips into a public toilet in a shopping centre
for a pee. As he's finishing and is shaking the
last drips off, he sneezes and pulls out a hankie
to wipe his nose. But it wasn't a hankie in that
pocket. The other patrons of the toilets are now
looking at a bloke with his cock out who appears
to be sniffing a pair of pants that would fit a
two year old girl."
(sandettie light vessel automatic)
* "In my first year of university, I lived in a
student village, which was pretty cool. What
wasn't cool was the me vs all-mates-at-once
play fights that happened most days. It was
all in good fun, I gave as good as I got, but
the bruises were adding up. To defend myself
I'd picked up a giant metal spoon from the
kitchen as a weapon. I took to wearing this
in my belt like a sword when I was in the flat
with my mates. Walking to a friend's flat, I
passed a couple leaving the building. I smiled,
said "Hi" and held the door open for them. The
girl looked shocked and afraid. I heard her say
to the guy "My god! Did you see the massive
knife that guy was carrying?!" to which the guy
replied. "That wasn't a knife, it was a spoon."
Before I could even think, I heard myself say
in a comedy Australian accent "I see you've
played knifey spoony before!" The guy came back
to high-five me."
(Mong goose)
>> This Week: B3ta Person of the Year 2010 <<
After Time wimped out and went with some geek
who runs a website as "Person of the Year", we'd
like your nominations for B3ta Person Of The Year:
http://b3ta.com/questions/b3tapersonoftheyear2010/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
With very short write-ups because of hang over
* SHIZZLE MY NIZZLE LORUM IPSUM GENERATOR -
funny and will probably get someone sacked as
project managers love web developers with a
sense of humour.
http://www.lorizzle.nl
* SELLECK WATERFALL SANDWICH - in the early
90s people would start newsgroups like
alt.my.cock.smells and now there's Tumblr. Yay.
http://j.mp/afsZXF
* CUT OUT AND KEEP 3D STEVE JOBS - ideal for
decorating your Xmas iTree.
http://goo.gl/hviLb
* CUNT COLOURING BOOK - a classic link on
Amazon but now you can read it via Google
Books. Thanks Mr Google!
http://goo.gl/jhXGf
* ARGOS FROM 1985 - drown yourself in
nostalgia for when you hoped your parents would
buy a Commodore 64 for Xmas, but instead you got
an Oric Atmos.
http://goo.gl/nGC6U
* BETTER NAMES FOR BABY - if you're expecting
then choosing names is hard, lucky help is at
hand.
http://www.betternamesforbaby.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like video but with some extra HTML round it
>> So you want to be a journalist <<
One of those strange, monotone "the truth
about..." things. This time, telling it like
it is about your future career in journalism.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> X Factor finalists "Heroes" <<
X Factor finalists and the British Armed
Forces, in the performance we've all been
cryig out for.
http://goo.gl/9sp46
>> The world's greatest music video <<
Cyriak thinks this is the greatest video he's
ever seen. Who are you to disagree? We've
travelled the world and seven seas.
Everybody's looking at some shit on youtube.
http://goo.gl/r09bC
>> Nee Naw Nee Naw Nee Naw <<
Just 22 seconds long but you'll watch it more
than once. "Who's playing the bagp... oh!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nee_Naw_Nee_Naw_Nee_Naw
>> Movie filmed by cats <<
These catfood people put some cameras round
the necks of some cats and edited the results
together, with interesting results. The film
is 5 minutes long, which co-incides exactly
with the length of time a cat is actually
awake on any given day.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Movie_Filmed_By_Cats
>> Funny horse song <<
Young man espouses the advantage of not being
a Car-Owner in Ireland at the moment. Video
contains attractive woman. A 'hit'.
http://goo.gl/4ZyTy
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Wikileaks Challenge
Last week we wanted you to 'shop Julian
Assange's ass
Your favourites included:
* SPOILER - in which our man delivers a
lecture on Hollywood blockbusters and spoils
the endings for everyone (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10274979
* CHILD - a rare peak into Julian's childhood
reveals a pattern of behaviour that would
continue into adulthood (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10277488
* SEANCE - unexpected early death prompts rare
life-after-death gag (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10277922
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/assange/
>> New challenge: B3ta Christmas <<
It's December, and time for our traditional
Christmas Card Challenge, featuring as much
festive inappropriateness as possible
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/christmas2010/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE - B3ta's very own
@Hexachordal is part of Cage Against the
Machine, recording John Cage's 4'33" in a bid
for Christmas #1. He's the bloke with the blue
hair.
http://bit.ly/hKGuRR
* SANTACON - Si o doom writes, "Well, I picked
up the newsletter at about 11pm on Friday,
Wasn't working on Sat so I thought I'd go
along and take some photos, within 1 hour I
had a hat, within 2 hours I had a jacket,
within 3 hours I had a lot of booze in me, by
8 hours I had picked up a group or
americans....... I even got interviewed for
the Santa news network about the outbreaks of
sprout throwing and the elves who were only
there for trouble.......... It was a surreal
end to one of the most bizzare weeks I've had!"
http://goo.gl/m9KJZ
* HOW BAGGER 288 CRUSHED ONE MAN'S SANITY -
good to see Joel's stuff is still causing
confusion round the web.
http://www.reddit.com/tb/emqp5
* CASH4GOLD STUNT - Guru writes, "I just
thought that you should know the Cash4Gold
pranking that you featured in your newsletter
is FAKE."
http://goo.gl/S5XAW
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* AVERAGE WEATHER - PaulHartshorne asks, "Can
you ask the good folk that read the b3ta
newsletter to create a website that takes an
aggregate of several different weather
websites and gives me a forecast based on them
all, so i don't have to check them
individually? Thanks." Personally we just look
out the window then go nah, leaving the house
is for straights.
* AN ANTI PROCRASTINATION IPHONE APP - we
haven't been able to get this fucking
newsletter out the door due to a sickening
lethargy that's made us play John Lennon
records all day and look at twitter. Sorry.
* A SNOOZE BUTTON FOR LIFE - or is that what
Valium is? If it is, can we have a big bucket
of it please?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Lovers: [email protected]
Haterz: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Top tip via sandettie light
vessel automatic. Stuff sent in by Mushroom,
planearm, mutated monty, WiL, @waxpancake,
Elvis of Nazareth, PuzzlerT, jackbremer,
PucatuB, jingle_man & pikey. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Joe
Scaramanga. Bees by Oprah: http://goo.gl/kbBNE
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TOP TRIP:
Make Santa's job more interesting by lacing
his sherry with LSD.
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UPDATE! Kunt is at 78 in the midweeks and
needs about 3000 more sales to crack the top
40. We can do this. Buy here:
http://goo.gl/T3R0h
