NEWSLETTER: "WARNING: MAY CONTAIN LIBEL, OR OTHER BLOOD PRODUCTS"
This Week:
* PICS - Awkward Miliband moments
* COLOURING IN - with Julian Assange
* QUESTION - Bullshitty bullshitters
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're chewing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web-cud... moogether!"
B3ta e-turd 462 - 14 Jan 2011
Read this issue on C4's Teletext, page 670:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue462/
Cuddles: [email protected]
Bad cuddles: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Penguins, MP wiki naughties, Moses, Cat
>> The Penguin Dilemma - Translation <<
Two penguins attempt to negotiate a muddy
puddle. Fresh from his cat video, Slurpy J
takes on that penguin clip that's been
popping up in inboxes everywhere this week.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Penguin_Dilemma_Tran...
>> Editing Wikipedia from inside Parliament <<
"It's the 2010 'Editing Wikipedia From Inside
Parliament' Awards!" exclaims Tom Scott. He's
been monitoring the interwebs, and it's
surprising how many edits to MPs' wikipedia
pages come from anonymous users within the
Houses of Parliament. Always good, people
getting caught being naughty.
http://www.tomscott.com/wikiparliament/
>> Not exactly the greatest story ever told. <<
It's been a while since somegreybloke's last
Grey Bloke cartoon, but worth the wait for this
Old Testament epic. Five bonus points if you
spot the Phill Jupitus cameo.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Not_exactly_the_greatest...
>> Cat + slide whistle <<
"My brother, his cat Geppetto, and a slide
whistle," writes jessekillerkay. Made us chuckle.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: SHITEGEIST
Throwaway Tumblrs of the moment
* AWKWARD MILIBAND MOMENTS - Ed really is Adrian
Mole all grown up isn't he?
http://awkwardedmilibandmoments.tumblr.com/
* THINGS REAL PEOPLE DON'T SAY ABOUT ADVERTISING
- a bit industry this one, but as we float on
the edge of such worlds it tickled us.
http://tpdsaa.tumblr.com
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: CHARGRILLED.CO.UK - Sponsored linky
Go there, do it, buy the t-shirt!
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and how now brown cow t-shirts. What's more, to
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http://bit.ly/dUDSKz
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
House Guests
Last week we wanted your worst house guests,
or tales of your own appalling behaviour. Go
read how Kovacs accidentally gave a whole room
a golden shower:
http://b3ta.com/questions/houseguests/
* "My wife and I stayed over one night at her
friends' house after a nice big, boozy dinner.
This was not your crappy student flat - we
were all grown-up and in nice houses with
bought furniture and the like. I woke in the
morning to a pretty frosty reception. My wife
doesn't really drink and I drink her share
to avoid offending our hosts, so this was not
new. But that morning I could only remember
a strange dream that I couldn't get into the
bed - the duvet wouldn't come off. It was all
very odd. Then she pointed to the corner of
the room where I had pulled up their fitted
carpet and crawled underneath to sleep,
before returning to bed a few hours later
on account of the cold." (Rammer)
* "When my brother was a student in Norwich
the old woman from the flat upstairs came
to visit. Well, I say visit, but it was
more a case of the liquid from her rotting
corpse leaking through his kitchen ceiling."
(Ring Of Fire)
* "A chap I know, a shy, retiring gay man,
was terrified of his flatmate. He could hear
him through the walls at night, muttering
obscenities: You fucking fucker, I'm going
to fucking kill you, I'm gonna get you all,
you absolute bastard, oh no you don't, etc.
It was me, playing online games with my
headset on. In my defence, I wasn't talking
that loud, the walls are just made of paper."
(universalpsykopath)
>> This Week: Bullshitters <<
Ever met the sort of fantasist who constantly
claims they've got a helicopter in the garden
or was "second onto the balcony at the Iranian
Embassy siege"? Lucky, lucky you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bullshit/
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: SHITES IN BRIEFS
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Bizarro ASA complaint <<
The advertising standards agency exist to stop
wankers like Cillit Bang from telling us lies
about how clean it can get our pennies. Quite
what good they are doing hunting down
witchdoctors is anyone's guess. We suspect
long, dull days in the office. Still, it's
allowed them to produce a fantastic report
which is going to go down in history as the
highest-trafficked item on their site ever.
http://goo.gl/qW1hu
>> You've seen the Julian Assange colouring book? <<
Just checking. Not the most sophisticated bit of
tech ever - this is the web circa 1998, but then
Wikileaks has that "Netscape Now!" flavour too.
http://julianassangecoloringbook.com/
>> Slowed Down Amy Winehouse = old soul singer <<
Suprisingly listenable, and following on from
the recent 'slow Justin Beiber down 800% = Brian
Eno' and the sped-up Paul McCartney, which was
basically Pinky and Perky but with amazing
tunemanship. Now can somebody slow down Barry
White and see if we can use it to seduce
whales?
http://tinyurl.com/4lbe356
>> You now hate all Dreamworks films <<
Even if you didn't mind Shrek, once you see this
image it'll nag away at you and destroy any
lingering affection for their work. This pic
is rather evil that way.
http://www.slashfilm.com/lol-pixar-vs-dreamworks/
>> Amazon lols ahoy! <<
The comments for this watch on Amazon are
priceless - as is the watch at a mere
$118,000.00 US Dollars. E.g. "I actually first
saw this watch at a neat little store in
Luxembourg, as I was refilling my ruby-encrusted
helicopter with gasoline made out of unicorn
tears..."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002T4V3W4/...
>> Nature sounds <<
A sound effects mixer - probably meant to be
relaxing, but we got some cheap laughs mixing
Darth Vader and school kids. Add some bleeps
and make your own KLF chillout album in 3 mins.
http://naturesoundsfor.me/SheepSea
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Web video will never catch on and here's why:
>> Every Voyager episode is the same <<
A TVTropes-style take down of the Voyager show,
but what impresses us is the formula. Cut up
the footage of your choice, dub it into
foreign, then use subtitles to make your
satirical points.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/every_episode_of_Voyager
>> Badly-spelt games review <<
Remember Yahoo Answers' tackling "How is babby
formed?" We reckon Yahoo never recovered and it
was at least 100% responsible for their current
falling apart. Anyway, the format of that gag
was to take a really dreadfully spelled and
rather ignorant post, then read out every typo
with some wonderful voice acting. A trick these
guys have applied, with wonderful results, to a
review on Flash-sharing site Newgrounds.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/558516
>> Willy bum bum <<
A charmingly childish ditty about willies and
bums, that sounds suspiciously like a nearly
made it musican who we did a video for a long
long time ago: John The White Rapper. It's
probably not, mind you. But who knows?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Heinz Auto Bot <<
Robots are much, much better when they don't
work properly. All that precision, delivering
comical inaccuracy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Heinz_Auto_Bot
>> Cheeky song from 1931 "My Girl's Pussy" <<
Everybody sing... "There's one pet I like to
pet, and every evening we get wet. I stroke it
every chance I get, it's my girl's pussy. It's
never dirty, always clean. In giving thrills,
never mean. But it's the best I've ever seen,
it's my girl's pussy."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cheeky_song_from_1931_My...
>> Streaker Fail <<
The simple lols are the best lols.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Streaker_Fail
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Education system gone to the dogs
Clearly so, as now you can do a course in
'dogging'. Still, why you'd do a university
course to watch old people fucking is anyone's
guess - simply install CCTV in your parents'
bedroom, like we did.
http://www.vu.edu.au/courses/dogging
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: BORED OBSERVATION OF THE WEEK
Swapping the word 'black' to 'ginger' makes
things sound ridiculous.
* "Fear of a Ginger Planet by Public Enemy."
(via @dotmund)
* "...pot calling the kettle ginger" (via
@betsymartian)
* "Winston Churchill by his own admission was
often visited by the ginger dog of
depression." (via @joemuggs)
* "...and as Ginger Rod approaches the chamber
of the House..." (via @joemuggs)
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: MINI MUSIC FESTIVAL IN MEMORY OF NINA/JESSIE
Purplestock
Kerry Mountain writes, "Charity music festival
in memory of my girlfriend, Jan 29th 2011 in
Derby."
http://www.purplestock.net
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Jobs Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make boring jobs
interesting.
Your favourites included:
* HULK - another dull day at the office
enlivened by an unusual vistor (maninthespoon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10304164
* POST - children's TV favourite Postman Pat
gets a modern urban makeover (The Twisted
Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10301606
* COCK - painting the Forth Bridge is an endless
task. Here's a way to brighten up the job
(Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10299717
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jobs/
>> New challenge: Ghosts! <<
They're everywhere, and yet they're nowhere. Or
are they? This week's challenge is a single word
classic: Ghosts! Thanks to The Magic of Chutney
for the suggestion (that we sat on for two
years, he he.)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ghosts/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING #2
Cameron Truth, Star Map, Homeless Appliances
>> David Cameron remix challenge <<
"I downloaded David Cameron's New Year podcast
from number10.gov.uk, then cut 'n' pasted until
he sounded more truthful," chirps jaunty
jarad75.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/David_Cameron_remix_chal...
>> Make your own star map <<
"I built a massive star map!" brags Mr Trick.
"By gutting an old fibre-optic Christmas tree,
adding a frame, lots of LEDs and putting in
dozens of hours of tedious work, you too can
have the night sky in your bedroom. Or open a
window, if you're the lazy type."
http://www.instructables.com/id/Star-Map/
>> Homeless droids <<
"I think at this time of year it's important to
remember these poor droids," opines frazer.
"After the excitement of Christmas and the
purchasing of shiny new helpers, spare a
thought for the many old units that now find
themselves cast out into the streets."
http://www.homelessdroids.com/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TANS GIVING UP DRINK - Booze is fuel to
B3ta. Like cars need petrol, Gary Glitter needs
kiddy porn, B3tans need drink. So we salute
brave fools The Log Knows and Monty Props in
their attempt to not drink for a year and raise
money for charity. Money goes to the Stroke
Association (wanking) and Bi-Polar which is a
dangerous plan to buy polar bears for Kerry Katona.
http://www.justgiving.com/Monty-Propps/
http://www.justgiving.com/Esther-Harvey/
* THE REAL STORY BEHIND MENTALS IN THE NEWS -
"Hi B3ta", writes Pat, "It's Pat, Joel's mate
and guitar man in what used to be 7 Seconds of
Love. Hope you are well! Anyway have you heard
of a man called Phil Zimmerman? He was in the
Sun last week for allegedly attacking pregnant
Amanda Holden whilst pretending to be a pigeon,
when he auditioned for Britain's Got Talent. He
didn't do it, all lies! He just looks scary and
she panicked. I've been filming things with Phil
for a while because... there is something
strangely compelling about his crazy anarchist
rants. He recently wrote a 9-page letter to
Boris Johnson about how much he hates Oyster
cards. So here he is ranting about the
internet." Intense stuff - we're glad this guy is
bothering Amanda Holden and not us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* HOW TO CONTROL YOUR ONLINE ADDICTION -
MgPerkins writes, "With regards to stickyfiddles
enquiry in the last newsletter I think he may
find the 'leechblock' add-on for firefox a
perfect tool for restricting internet fun. It's
the only way I ever manage to actually do any
research!"
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/447...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Tealy & Orangey
Freakyzoid writes, "I've been spending my
evenings recently working on a challenging
little flash puzzle platformer called Tealy &
Orangey that I thought your readers might like.
The idea is that you control two coloured orbs,
and have to get them both to the end zones. As
the levels progress various hazards are added,
and there are a few other twists. In total
there are 20 levels, and currently it seems to
take players around half an hour to forty-five
minutes to complete. It saves your progress
through levels as well - it's intended to be
one of those little lunch-break type
diversions, which I think might suit b3tans
pretty well."
This game is smart. Freakyzoid should make an
iPhone version and cash-in.
http://www.mainlyaboutgames.co.uk/tealyorangey/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your muff.
Things we'd really like to wee include
* IPHONE AP 33/45 - a switch to play all your
MP3s at the wrong speed.
* TALKY BOLLOCKS - we have a fantasy that we
invite interesting people to our shed, people
listen to them from our garden, we film it, & we
call it "SHED | talks"
* SEXY TIME - Should someone want to do a
literary award for the sub-genre of sex worker
confessionals - we've got a name for it: The
Hooker Booker prize.
Shit through our cyber-letterbox and pretend
we're Nick Clegg:
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look at
everything you send us.
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Relate: [email protected]
Nexus: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Punkygirl, chocolatelemming,
Fishcat, pantheruk2358, WiL, thick as a brick,
Darklord, @TheMichaelMoran, @hellokinsella,
laura jordan bambach, glynhandley, scaryduck,
Simon Laird, @thewub, ed.siteman, Jalf
Top Tippery by sandettie light vessel automatic.
Subjlols via @emma_pepparkaka.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Webmasters at eBay! You may as well remove the
'keep me signed in for today' checkbox from the
login screen as it seems to serve no fucking
purpose whatsoever.
