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This Week:
* QUORA - Cwora, Kia-Ora etc
* SWEDEMASON - Back with a message for his haters
* BUSES - Attacked in frightening video

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "We're raving,
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       we're raving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        web... together"

B3ta email 461 - 7 Jan 2011

Load this issue into a C64 using a Woolworths C15:

       Marriage:  [email protected]
      Divorce:  [email protected]

  Buy a big fuck off NAS

  As it's new year we haven't sold an ad, so it's
  time to pimp the last thing we bought from
  Amazon. An NAS, or 'Network-attached storage',
  is a box with hard disks in it that you plug
  into your router and it backs up your
  computers. Dreadfully useful if you actually
  give a damn about your data, your family
  photos, your work projects etc. With the move
  to both casualisation of the workforce (i.e.
  more of you than ever are working from home)
  and everything; your books, your photos
  becoming increasingly digital, you need to care
  about this stuff. Buy a box like this, bung
  some drives in, learn about the different
  levels of RAID, else you're fucked basically.
  Fucked like a Clegg.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  We're going to walk round West Park in
  Wolverhampton with banner ads on our head, 10p
  per mile. All money to Help the Aged (minus
  administrative costs).


  Or even over Xmas

  >> Quora piss-take <<
  The social network of the week is Quora (a name
  we can only remember by singing the old Kia-Ora
  ad to ourselves), and the press is going mental
  for it. Telegraph claiming it'll be bigger than
  Twitter, whereas mashable.com runs, "Why Quora
  Will Never Be as Big as Twitter." Anyway, props
  to our own Tom Scott for causing trouble with
  his own take on the situation. BTW: The name
  actually means QUestion OR Answer. Not QUim OR

  And if you're nosey, here's some tiny bits about
  old B3ta history we stuck on Quora:
  >> The return of Swedemason <<
  After Swedemason had a huge webby hit with his Jeremy
  Clarkson mash-up, he didn't know what to do
  next. It's got to be bigger, it's got to be
  better; a crisis that hits many of us who've
  attempted creative work in the public space.
  Swedey writes, "I've built up quite a lot of 
  random clips, so I thought I'd stick some
  of them together. I'm on my last YouTube life
  and this vid is pretty much asking for it." It's
  all rather fabulous, a defence of sampling
  culture with massive ego shouts of 'Swede Mason'
  all over it. Makes us feel nostalgic for the KLF
  it does, as shouting their own name was a trick
  they were fond of. And Utah Saints.

  >> Mental Google charts <<
  "I've been using Science and Googles to
  investigate the claims of famous proverbs. These
  are the results," writes mofaha. We believe the
  correct response is "lol".

  >> Post-apocalypse-themed New Year's Day party <<
  Cap'n writes, "I made a film! It is a how-to
  guide! About how to turn New Year's Day into a
  post-apocalypse-based LARPING-type theme party
  time! Hooray!" Arguably this is a bit late for
  us to run, but Cap'n has filmed it so well and
  with such charm it deserves to be seen. If he
  hasn't got an industry job already, then someone
  should sort him one out.

  >> Homeless Golden-Voiced Guy (Northern Dub) <<
  Unless you've been under a rock fucking the soil
  you can't have missed the radio voice homeless
  guy. Props to Leemondus for his amusing re-edit.


  Villain of the Year 2010

  After our handy list of great people of the year
  comes B3ta's top whatever cunts of the year. You
  probably won't be surprised to find the same
  people on both lists:

  * The Pope - "Got to be. Promoting homophobic
  policies: check. Demonizing condoms in AIDS
  hotzones: check. Being anachronistically
  misogynistic: check. Banging on about the
  holiness of poverty while sat on a 12ft high
  GOLDEN THRONE: check. But for deliberately
  obstructing police investigations into child
  abuse, deliberately moving abusive priests
  into new areas with fresh children to abuse,
  deliberately blaming anyone else other than
  himself and the church, while all the time
  trying to paint himself as somehow on the
  moral high ground and the 'real victim' in
  all this: big fat fucking 12 FOOT HIGH GOLDEN
  CHECK." (Amish Information Systems)
  * The unknown disturbed person who trapped a
  wasp in my wheelie bin (Brigadier)
  * Old Father Time - "What do you mean I'm
  35 now?! When the fuck did that happen? Time.
  You. Cunt." (Thebigfella)

  Plus the following list of usual suspects:
  Hulk Hogan, David Cameron. Douglas Adams,
  Charlie Gilmore, Nick Clegg, Rupert Murdoch,
  That woman in the advert who mimes ISA ISA
  baby, Julian Assange, Simon Cowell, Bob Crow,
  Baldmonkey!, Whoever it was who gave me
  Norovirus, Tesco, Michael Macintyre and, last
  but most definitely least, Piers Morgan.


  Worst Bands Ever

  We wanted to know the worst band you'd ever
  seen. Who made your ears bleed, your brain 
  dribble and your unborn children cry:

  There can be only one answer. Read on:

  * THE AIMLESS DOVEPUPPETS - "are a band I've 
  invented as a kind of litmus test for hipsters.
  They're coming up in Hoxton, I tell them. They're
  about to break big time. I've got their first 
  EP on first-press seven inch vinyl. Only the 
  boring black vinyl though, not the super-rare, 
  only-five-ever-made picture vinyl with the 
  hand-inked sleeve. They're a kind of post-fusion, 
  post-colonial electro hip-hop feminist collective 
  who happen to play gigs when they're not sitting 
  in dark corners and cutting themselves. I then
  see how people respond:

  "I've never heard of them. Are you sure you're not 
  making it up?" A good person. Buy them a drink. 
  This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

  "Yeah, I've heard of them. My friend's got the 
  *gold* vinyl." Wanker, avoid.

  "I liked them about three months ago." You feel 
  that itch in your knuckles? That's God's way of 
  telling you to smite. No jury would convict you! 
  Attack! Kill! (universalpsykopath)

  >> This Week's Question: House guests <<
  Had someone come to stay and simply not leave?
  Throw up over your curtains and pretend it wasn't
  them? Felt like burying them under the patio?
  Calm down, and tell us all about it here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Generic Dr Pepper <<
  It's pretty easy to brand most generic fizzy
  drinks; "cola", "lemonade" etc. A knock-off
  version of Dr Pepper presents more of a

  >> Detroit in ruins <<
  A series of extraordinary photographs of
  derelict buildings in Detroit. Globalisation
  killing cities - what a joyous time we live in.

  >> Suffolk's top icon - Cradle of Filth <<
  Suffolk's tourist board has been embarrassed
  after a poll to find the UK county's most iconic
  image turned up death metal frontman Dani Filth
  as the winner. Clearly the vote was gamed, but
  we know quite a few people from Suffolk who
  would genuinely vote for that guy. So proud.

  >> Common misconceptions <<
  A list of common misconceptions, so you can be
  that irritating twat who always pipes up with
  "actually, that's a myth..." Examples include
  Napoleon was not especially short, vikings
  didn't wear horns on their helmets, ostriches
  don't bury their heads in the sand.

  >> Very specific stock photos <<
  There's a special pleasure in searching out
  stock photography that's suitable only for very,
  very niche situations. For example, "women
  laughing alone with salad".

  Try it for yourself, maybe try to find a new
  kind of googlewhack. We liked looking for
  couples in bed where the bloke is grumpy, a
  classic pic for stories about impotence, and
  angry people on phones.


  Set your VHS - b3ta's gonna play some funnies

  >> Bus being attacked <<
  Viewer discretion advised, due to the possibly
  distressing nature of this footage of a bus
  having a panic attack.

  >> Quickfire gag anim <<
  If you like your humour fast and eclectic, then
  here's a treat for you.

  >> Newly-discovered photographer Vivian Maier <<
  News piece about a bloke discovering a reclusive
  nanny's enormous secret cache of the amazing
  street photography she took over the years.
  Really worth a look.

  >> Strictly Come Dancing: Argentina <<
  We can only thank Christ that the UK's version
  of the show isn't as raunchy as this. That goes
  double for when Anne Widdecombe was on it.
  Strictly NSFW depending on your workplace's
  policy on soft pornography.

  >> The Bizarre World of the Bisexual <<
  Vintage public information-style animation,
  advising you how to identify, and avoid
  inadvertently socialising with, the Bisexual.

  >> Truly awesome redub of Bon Jovi <<
  St Sanders has been redubbing iconic videos for
  some time now, but this Bon Jovi one is new to
  us. Beautiful operatic silliness ensues...


  Redefining funny to the opposite since 1977

  * BATTLE OF KOCK - who hasn't battled their kocks
  amongst men in the showers? We're doing it now
  and we're not even wet. (via bowi555)

  majoringram writes, "Colchester zoo are selling
  rhino shit for 'gardening purposes', not for
  people with zoo scat fetishes, no. On that very
  page in the bottom left you may also notice the
  logo that looks like a knob porking some vag."


: B3TA Y2011K BUG
  Site stricken in codey blow

  Come the new year and we were amused to find our
  admin pages for challenges wouldn't let us stick
  up anything past Dec 31st 2010. Cr3 fixed it, of
  course, but the problem was a form written in
  2001 that assumed 2001-2010 would be enough for
  the life of B3ta. We're still here. Which is as
  much as a surprise to us as anyone else. This
  will be our 10th year. Wonder if we'll be around
  to hit the Y2021k bug we've replaced the code

  BTW: Don't email in complaining about the K in
  Y2011K, it's there to make the visual work,
  rather than to literally mean 1,000. 



  Results from the Unlikely Babies Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to depict celebrity

  Your favourites included:
  * BUNNY - when Roger and Jessica rabbit breed
  like rabbits, the results are not entirely
  perfect (taters)

  * ALIEN - Katy Perry! Lieutenant Spock! My eyes!
  My eyes! (Zoidaroid)

  * NIGHTMARE - Freddie Kruger with wife and
  lovely child (HappyToast)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Boring Jobs <<
  This week's challenge is to enliven the lives of
  the downtrodden with new, fun ways of doing
  mundane jobs. Challenge suggested by


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  writes, "So I was looking for a message in my
  email inbox which I was pretty sure contained
  the word "penis," and after performing the
  search, the WHOLE SCREEN was taken up by past
  b3ta newsletters." Sorry Adam, we're very proud
  of our penises and rather like sticking them in
  your inbox.

  * EVIL PLANS TO GET RICH - wolfie writes, "Re:
  b3ta review of the year and your HD copies of
  the audio from Buffy's Swearing Keyboard... Sell
  it as ringtones? I have stacks of fun setting
  'zebra bastard zebra zebra zebra zebra fucker'
  as my ringtone and trying to answer it in
  meetings before it gets to the 'fucker'." This
  is a great idea but we don't have the attention
  span needed to get rich, and it makes us feel a
  bit grubby trying to hawk things like ringtones.
  However, considering the state of the economy
  we'll be eating these words by Easter and trying
  to flog you cock pills with every newsletter.

  * GET WELL SOON BRIAN BLESSED - Jahled writes,
  "Terry got in contact with Brian Blessed and
  told me today he is apparently extremely ill.
  Given his age, and love of food and ale, we can
  only cross our fingers :("



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WIKIFAKES - As most of these Wikieaks are on
  IP addresses and mirrors these days, you could
  be on any old site and not know the authenticity
  of this stuff. Someone should hack together a
  site on a mysterious IP address that looks
  exactly like wikileaks, has all the same cables,
  but you can also create your own. Then forward
  them to the press and see what trouble you can
  make. Lots, we reckon.
  * MAC APP STORE LOLS - Make an app called "drunk
  people test" and sell it for £100. If you open
  it says, "You're obviously drunk; you bought
  this piece of shit for £100" Then retire on your
  * INTERNET FUN BREAK - stickyfiddle asks, "Can
  someone make an app/program that only lets me
  read all the fun things on the internet for 5
  minutes per hour while I work, but still lets me
  use the sites I need to do my job?" This sounds
  like an ideal replacement for cig breaks for
  those who don't smoke. It's only fair.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Wanking:  [email protected]
  Crying:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Mushroom, Professor
  Kenny Martin, lord turkey boy, Cowardly Lion,
  Darklord, WiL, libertinelynch, @revdancatt, Crap
  Little Monkey, bachgammon, Bela Lugosi's Dad,
  Smale, Paper_clip, the_log_knows Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

  * This is not an opinion. It is fact. Actually,
  we stuck in this frisbee diss after a request
  from a /talk member who wished this bit to be
  used for "light hearted bullying purposes."



  Yay for Viz. Your Ginger Fuhrer was delighted to
  see a comment of his retweeted by Viz for their
  Top Tips section. It got over 100 RTs and made
  us very, very proud. We've finally made it in
  some tiny way in Viz world. It's like getting a
  pat on head from the Queen.

  Here is the golden tweet: 

  @VizTopTips GEORGE OSBORNE.Stick fruit machines
  in the post office so when the poor pick up
  their benefits, it goes right back? 

  What happened to Pete Postlethwaite? If you were
  wondering what did the poor guy in, here's a
  possible clue:

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