NEWSLETTER: "ULTIMATE FRISBEE IS NOT A REAL SPORT. IT'S JUST SHIT*"
This Week:
* QUORA - Cwora, Kia-Ora etc
* SWEDEMASON - Back with a message for his haters
* BUSES - Attacked in frightening video
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're raving,
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | we're raving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 461 - 7 Jan 2011
Load this issue into a C64 using a Woolworths C15:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue461/
Marriage: [email protected]
Divorce: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Buy a big fuck off NAS
As it's new year we haven't sold an ad, so it's
time to pimp the last thing we bought from
Amazon. An NAS, or 'Network-attached storage',
is a box with hard disks in it that you plug
into your router and it backs up your
computers. Dreadfully useful if you actually
give a damn about your data, your family
photos, your work projects etc. With the move
to both casualisation of the workforce (i.e.
more of you than ever are working from home)
and everything; your books, your photos
becoming increasingly digital, you need to care
about this stuff. Buy a box like this, bung
some drives in, learn about the different
levels of RAID, else you're fucked basically.
Fucked like a Clegg.
http://goo.gl/rPXZA
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
We're going to walk round West Park in
Wolverhampton with banner ads on our head, 10p
per mile. All money to Help the Aged (minus
administrative costs).
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Or even over Xmas
>> Quora piss-take <<
The social network of the week is Quora (a name
we can only remember by singing the old Kia-Ora
ad to ourselves), and the press is going mental
for it. Telegraph claiming it'll be bigger than
Twitter, whereas mashable.com runs, "Why Quora
Will Never Be as Big as Twitter." Anyway, props
to our own Tom Scott for causing trouble with
his own take on the situation. BTW: The name
actually means QUestion OR Answer. Not QUim OR
Anus.
http://www.cwora.com
And if you're nosey, here's some tiny bits about
old B3ta history we stuck on Quora:
http://goo.gl/PGV0a
>> The return of Swedemason <<
After Swedemason had a huge webby hit with his Jeremy
Clarkson mash-up, he didn't know what to do
next. It's got to be bigger, it's got to be
better; a crisis that hits many of us who've
attempted creative work in the public space.
Swedey writes, "I've built up quite a lot of
random clips, so I thought I'd stick some
of them together. I'm on my last YouTube life
and this vid is pretty much asking for it." It's
all rather fabulous, a defence of sampling
culture with massive ego shouts of 'Swede Mason'
all over it. Makes us feel nostalgic for the KLF
it does, as shouting their own name was a trick
they were fond of. And Utah Saints.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Magpie_music
>> Mental Google charts <<
"I've been using Science and Googles to
investigate the claims of famous proverbs. These
are the results," writes mofaha. We believe the
correct response is "lol".
http://nverbs.blogspot.com/
>> Post-apocalypse-themed New Year's Day party <<
Cap'n writes, "I made a film! It is a how-to
guide! About how to turn New Year's Day into a
post-apocalypse-based LARPING-type theme party
time! Hooray!" Arguably this is a bit late for
us to run, but Cap'n has filmed it so well and
with such charm it deserves to be seen. If he
hasn't got an industry job already, then someone
should sort him one out.
http://goo.gl/V9GzU
>> Homeless Golden-Voiced Guy (Northern Dub) <<
Unless you've been under a rock fucking the soil
you can't have missed the radio voice homeless
guy. Props to Leemondus for his amusing re-edit.
http://goo.gl/1hqUL
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK 1
Villain of the Year 2010
After our handy list of great people of the year
comes B3ta's top whatever cunts of the year. You
probably won't be surprised to find the same
people on both lists:
http://b3ta.com/questions/villainoftheyear2010/
* The Pope - "Got to be. Promoting homophobic
policies: check. Demonizing condoms in AIDS
hotzones: check. Being anachronistically
misogynistic: check. Banging on about the
holiness of poverty while sat on a 12ft high
GOLDEN THRONE: check. But for deliberately
obstructing police investigations into child
abuse, deliberately moving abusive priests
into new areas with fresh children to abuse,
deliberately blaming anyone else other than
himself and the church, while all the time
trying to paint himself as somehow on the
moral high ground and the 'real victim' in
all this: big fat fucking 12 FOOT HIGH GOLDEN
CHECK." (Amish Information Systems)
* The unknown disturbed person who trapped a
wasp in my wheelie bin (Brigadier)
* Old Father Time - "What do you mean I'm
35 now?! When the fuck did that happen? Time.
You. Cunt." (Thebigfella)
Plus the following list of usual suspects:
Hulk Hogan, David Cameron. Douglas Adams,
Charlie Gilmore, Nick Clegg, Rupert Murdoch,
That woman in the advert who mimes ISA ISA
baby, Julian Assange, Simon Cowell, Bob Crow,
Baldmonkey!, Whoever it was who gave me
Norovirus, Tesco, Michael Macintyre and, last
but most definitely least, Piers Morgan.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK 2
Worst Bands Ever
We wanted to know the worst band you'd ever
seen. Who made your ears bleed, your brain
dribble and your unborn children cry:
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstband/
There can be only one answer. Read on:
* THE AIMLESS DOVEPUPPETS - "are a band I've
invented as a kind of litmus test for hipsters.
They're coming up in Hoxton, I tell them. They're
about to break big time. I've got their first
EP on first-press seven inch vinyl. Only the
boring black vinyl though, not the super-rare,
only-five-ever-made picture vinyl with the
hand-inked sleeve. They're a kind of post-fusion,
post-colonial electro hip-hop feminist collective
who happen to play gigs when they're not sitting
in dark corners and cutting themselves. I then
see how people respond:
"I've never heard of them. Are you sure you're not
making it up?" A good person. Buy them a drink.
This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
"Yeah, I've heard of them. My friend's got the
*gold* vinyl." Wanker, avoid.
"I liked them about three months ago." You feel
that itch in your knuckles? That's God's way of
telling you to smite. No jury would convict you!
Attack! Kill! (universalpsykopath)
>> This Week's Question: House guests <<
Had someone come to stay and simply not leave?
Throw up over your curtains and pretend it wasn't
them? Felt like burying them under the patio?
Calm down, and tell us all about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/houseguests/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Generic Dr Pepper <<
It's pretty easy to brand most generic fizzy
drinks; "cola", "lemonade" etc. A knock-off
version of Dr Pepper presents more of a
challenge:
http://postmyportfolio.com/Generic_Dr_Pepper.htm
>> Detroit in ruins <<
A series of extraordinary photographs of
derelict buildings in Detroit. Globalisation
killing cities - what a joyous time we live in.
http://goo.gl/h5fw3
>> Suffolk's top icon - Cradle of Filth <<
Suffolk's tourist board has been embarrassed
after a poll to find the UK county's most iconic
image turned up death metal frontman Dani Filth
as the winner. Clearly the vote was gamed, but
we know quite a few people from Suffolk who
would genuinely vote for that guy. So proud.
http://goo.gl/rxe07
>> Common misconceptions <<
A list of common misconceptions, so you can be
that irritating twat who always pipes up with
"actually, that's a myth..." Examples include
Napoleon was not especially short, vikings
didn't wear horns on their helmets, ostriches
don't bury their heads in the sand.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_common_miscon...
>> Very specific stock photos <<
There's a special pleasure in searching out
stock photography that's suitable only for very,
very niche situations. For example, "women
laughing alone with salad".
http://goo.gl/EOqTG
Try it for yourself, maybe try to find a new
kind of googlewhack. We liked looking for
couples in bed where the bloke is grumpy, a
classic pic for stories about impotence, and
angry people on phones.
http://www.stockphotofinder.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Set your VHS - b3ta's gonna play some funnies
>> Bus being attacked <<
Viewer discretion advised, due to the possibly
distressing nature of this footage of a bus
having a panic attack.
http://goo.gl/956rL
>> Quickfire gag anim <<
If you like your humour fast and eclectic, then
here's a treat for you.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/asdfmovie3
>> Newly-discovered photographer Vivian Maier <<
News piece about a bloke discovering a reclusive
nanny's enormous secret cache of the amazing
street photography she took over the years.
Really worth a look.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Photographer_Vivian_Maie...
>> Strictly Come Dancing: Argentina <<
We can only thank Christ that the UK's version
of the show isn't as raunchy as this. That goes
double for when Anne Widdecombe was on it.
Strictly NSFW depending on your workplace's
policy on soft pornography.
http://goo.gl/EcG3q
>> The Bizarre World of the Bisexual <<
Vintage public information-style animation,
advising you how to identify, and avoid
inadvertently socialising with, the Bisexual.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Bizarre_World_of_the...
>> Truly awesome redub of Bon Jovi <<
St Sanders has been redubbing iconic videos for
some time now, but this Bon Jovi one is new to
us. Beautiful operatic silliness ensues...
http://goo.gl/uBwbC
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Redefining funny to the opposite since 1977
* BATTLE OF KOCK - who hasn't battled their kocks
amongst men in the showers? We're doing it now
and we're not even wet. (via bowi555)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Kock_%28193...
* OMG OMG OMG! PHALLIC LOGO AND POO IN A CAN! -
majoringram writes, "Colchester zoo are selling
rhino shit for 'gardening purposes', not for
people with zoo scat fetishes, no. On that very
page in the bottom left you may also notice the
logo that looks like a knob porking some vag."
http://goo.gl/C8AQV
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: B3TA Y2011K BUG
Site stricken in codey blow
Come the new year and we were amused to find our
admin pages for challenges wouldn't let us stick
up anything past Dec 31st 2010. Cr3 fixed it, of
course, but the problem was a form written in
2001 that assumed 2001-2010 would be enough for
the life of B3ta. We're still here. Which is as
much as a surprise to us as anyone else. This
will be our 10th year. Wonder if we'll be around
to hit the Y2021k bug we've replaced the code
with?
BTW: Don't email in complaining about the K in
Y2011K, it's there to make the visual work,
rather than to literally mean 1,000.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Unlikely Babies Challenge
Last week we wanted you to depict celebrity
offspring
Your favourites included:
* BUNNY - when Roger and Jessica rabbit breed
like rabbits, the results are not entirely
perfect (taters)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10295988
* ALIEN - Katy Perry! Lieutenant Spock! My eyes!
My eyes! (Zoidaroid)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10296608
* NIGHTMARE - Freddie Kruger with wife and
lovely child (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10296007
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/unlikelybaby/
>> New challenge: Boring Jobs <<
This week's challenge is to enliven the lives of
the downtrodden with new, fun ways of doing
mundane jobs. Challenge suggested by
Smallbrainfield.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jobs/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TA NEWSLETTER USES RUDE WORD SHOCK - adam
writes, "So I was looking for a message in my
email inbox which I was pretty sure contained
the word "penis," and after performing the
search, the WHOLE SCREEN was taken up by past
b3ta newsletters." Sorry Adam, we're very proud
of our penises and rather like sticking them in
your inbox.
* EVIL PLANS TO GET RICH - wolfie writes, "Re:
b3ta review of the year and your HD copies of
the audio from Buffy's Swearing Keyboard... Sell
it as ringtones? I have stacks of fun setting
'zebra bastard zebra zebra zebra zebra fucker'
as my ringtone and trying to answer it in
meetings before it gets to the 'fucker'." This
is a great idea but we don't have the attention
span needed to get rich, and it makes us feel a
bit grubby trying to hawk things like ringtones.
However, considering the state of the economy
we'll be eating these words by Easter and trying
to flog you cock pills with every newsletter.
* GET WELL SOON BRIAN BLESSED - Jahled writes,
"Terry got in contact with Brian Blessed and
told me today he is apparently extremely ill.
Given his age, and love of food and ale, we can
only cross our fingers :("
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WIKIFAKES - As most of these Wikieaks are on
IP addresses and mirrors these days, you could
be on any old site and not know the authenticity
of this stuff. Someone should hack together a
site on a mysterious IP address that looks
exactly like wikileaks, has all the same cables,
but you can also create your own. Then forward
them to the press and see what trouble you can
make. Lots, we reckon.
* MAC APP STORE LOLS - Make an app called "drunk
people test" and sell it for £100. If you open
it says, "You're obviously drunk; you bought
this piece of shit for £100" Then retire on your
profits.
* INTERNET FUN BREAK - stickyfiddle asks, "Can
someone make an app/program that only lets me
read all the fun things on the internet for 5
minutes per hour while I work, but still lets me
use the sites I need to do my job?" This sounds
like an ideal replacement for cig breaks for
those who don't smoke. It's only fair.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Wanking: [email protected]
Crying: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Mushroom, Professor
Kenny Martin, lord turkey boy, Cowardly Lion,
Darklord, WiL, libertinelynch, @revdancatt, Crap
Little Monkey, bachgammon, Bela Lugosi's Dad,
Smale, Paper_clip, the_log_knows Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
* This is not an opinion. It is fact. Actually,
we stuck in this frisbee diss after a request
from a /talk member who wished this bit to be
used for "light hearted bullying purposes."
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TOP TIP:
Yay for Viz. Your Ginger Fuhrer was delighted to
see a comment of his retweeted by Viz for their
Top Tips section. It got over 100 RTs and made
us very, very proud. We've finally made it in
some tiny way in Viz world. It's like getting a
pat on head from the Queen.
Here is the golden tweet:
@VizTopTips GEORGE OSBORNE.Stick fruit machines
in the post office so when the poor pick up
their benefits, it goes right back?
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What happened to Pete Postlethwaite? If you were
wondering what did the poor guy in, here's a
possible clue:
http://www.durbartandoori.co.uk/HTML/ourmenu.html
