NEWSLETTER: "POST-RAPTURE EDITION"
This Week:
* KIDS - Automatic CBeebies machine
* SHOELACES - You're doing them wrong
* BALLS - Make pretty tunes
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're spilling tea
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | all over our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| laptops... together"
B3ta email 480 - 27 May 2011
Borrow this issue from your local library:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue480/
Hugs: [email protected]
Stabs: [email protected]
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: GLASTONBURY FREEBIES FROM ORANGE
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http://bit.ly/orange_glasto_b3ta
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Laptop parent machine, Babies and Funiculars
>> Internet Parent Machine <<
"Last newsletter you pleaded for a 'random
CBeebies' playlist option on the BBC iPlayer,"
reminds Lost Tourist. "Well now you can piss
off down the pub and leave your young 'uns
safely tucked up in front of the computer."
Genuinely a useful thing if you have small
children. Although we weren't able to properly
test the 'automatically forward to the next
programme', so maybe it's an internet tears
machine that only shows children 5 minutes of
their favourite shows...
http://www.waitingforlunchtime.co.uk/games/cbeebie...
>> Babies <<
"This is how babies are made," brags weebl. Big,
bonny, bouncing, joyful stuff. And safe for work.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Babies/
>> Cairngorm Funicular Railway <<
"I went up a mountain on a train," purrs
eclectech. "I went up quite slowly, but you can
watch it quite quickly." Pretty stuff, though
somehow reminiscent of a period sitcom set on a
remote Scottish mountain.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cairngorm_Funicular_Rail...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Trolls
Last week we asked for your stories of trolls,
trolling and trip-trapping over bridges. Trolls?
On the Internet? Surely not:
http://b3ta.com/questions/trolls/
* TPS - "I always take unsolicited telephone
sales calls. I am always polite, express
interest in the products or services being
sold and generally act like a lovely customer.
Sadly, I am quite hard of hearing, have a
very poor memory, suffer from congenital
stupidity and did I mention not having a good
memory? Due to these health issues, it will
often take many, many, many repeated attempts
before I understand even simple concepts.
Sometimes, to the general embarrassment of
all concerned, I will need the same sentence
to be repeated ten or more times before it
sinks into my thick skull. When we ultimately,
normally after more than 30-minutes later,
get to the point where I have to hand over
my bank details, to secure whatever great
service is being offered, I generally get
very confused about my bank provider. It's
not been unknown for me to confuse the barcode
on a can of Coke for my account number. One
nice gentleman was VERY frustrated at my
28-digit account number. He made me get my
cheque book, explained where to get the
account number from, and was quite upset that
it had the same 28-digit number I'd already
given him. I did explain, patiently, that it
was a very BIG chequebook... This is why I'm
signed up to the Telephone Preference Service.
It's not to protect ME and to save ME any
wasted time. No, no, no. I have altruistically
signed up to the TPS to protect the poor
telesales industry from having to deal with
my fuckpiggery."
(Linbox)
* DON'T BE EVIL - "A few months ago, I
intentionally clicked on a link I knew was
to Rick Astley (because I actually wanted to
listen to the song), only to find it had been
blocked in my country on copyright grounds.
Long story short, I was reverse-rickrolled
by Google.
(The Coast Of Yemen)
* NSFW OCD - "My mate once visited one of
those websites where you can watch girls
fondle about and tease, and take requests
from the chat-room. "Now what do you want
me to do big boy?" she purred. He asked her
if she'd fix the angle of the picture that
was hanging on the wall behind them, as it
was doing his head in."
(mr-lizard)
>> This Week's Question <<
What's the best thing you've ever eaten? Or
the worst thing, come to that. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bestandworstfood/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> How to edit webpages for shits and giggles <<
A neat bit of javascript that you can use to
temporarily edit webpages for lols. E.g. Edit
the Daily Mail site to be 5% more racist than it
already is, take a screengrab, post it on
twitter and sit back and watch the hatemob RT
their pitchforks.
http://goo.gl/HWCFb
>> Drop balls for pretty tunes <<
Basically draw some lines on the screen and the
dropping balls will make magical music. Brian
Eno has made whole albums like this and people
paid money for it.
http://balldroppings.com/js/
>> What's the most epic photo ever taken? <<
Nice crowd-sourced collection of stuff you know
(Vietnam, self-immolating monk, man on the moon
etc) and stuff that you don't. Weirdly, the photo
of David Hasselhoff and Arnold from Different
Strokes isn't there.
http://www.quora.com/Whats-the-most-epic-photo-eve...
>> What would you take if your house was burning? <<
The kids? Or a load of old tat?
http://the-burning-house.com/
>> Have you ever been taken in by The Onion <<
Site devoted to people taking Onion stories at
face value. This has ever never happened to us.
We're media professionals.
http://bit.ly/iWY6fo
>> What to read this week: The Psychopath Test <<
Jon Ronsons's new book, we devoured it in a day,
tells various stories related to one of the
darkest labels that psychiatry can give:
psychopath. Includes the fascinating theory
that TV likes people mental but not too mental,
a Jeremy Kyle-style show that made sure it
booked people on Prozac rather than any
schizophrenia medicine. And how TV liked David
Shayler when he was a 9/11 truther but not when
he announced himself as Christ. Worth reading.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/033049226...
Or see an extract from the Guardian here:
http://goo.gl/K6iZx
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like those .movs that broke your email in 2001
>> You're tying your shoelaces wrong <<
Stopping to tie up your shoelaces is a pain and
those clever chaps at TED have released a video
which shows how to do it properly. Of course
it's not just about shoes - if you really wanted
your laces to stay done, you'd replace the
laces with zips or velcro straps like they have
on shoes for the under-5s. It's a metaphor for
how sometimes you're doing the basics wrong and
don't even know it.
http://goo.gl/1xITa
>> Exorcist advert <<
A great ad that riffs on the crazy levitation
scenes in the Exorcist. We almost forgive
advertising for making us buy useless shit day
in day out, as this is such a neat bit of
creative.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_advert_really_sucks
>> Why you shouldn't watch the Apprentice <<
1. Alan Sugar is a dick on Twitter.
2. All the contestants are numpties.
This Mitchell and Webb sketch is mostly riffing
on point 2.
http://goo.gl/srvaF
>> Bitch got a penis <<
We're suckers for a catchphrase and this song
certainly offers up a new one that might
embarrass you in public. Watch to the end for a
neat reveal.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/People_like_this
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Mr Masturbation and Apple Stores
* Let's hope his friends shorten his name to
Willie:
http://www.getcited.org/pub/100295141
* Apple stores are an ideal location for the
elderly to look at porn.
http://goo.gl/39ZRH
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Last week: Sex change movies
We asked you to engage in gender-swap roleplay
and, for some reason, you did. Our favourites
include:
* 28 DAYS LATE - having kids is a worse
nightmare than any rubbish Hollywood can dream
up.
http://b3ta.com/board/10425740
* FIRST BLOOD - taking the men out of menstruate.
http://b3ta.com/board/10426251
* SOMETHING ABOUT SHOES - that we think is about
blokes being fed up about women wittering on
about shoes.
http://b3ta.com/board/10425842
The best as voted by you:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/sexchangemovies/
>> This week: Biscuits <<
Two weeks ago we ate a Bourbon biscuit and
thought "this is the shittiest biscuit ever" and
somehow this morphed into "let's suggest the
B3tans do a biscuit challenge".
http://b3ta.com/challenge/biscuits/popular/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MAD JAPANESE CAPTURE THE FLAG GAME -
robertvaliant writes, "The 'sport' you
mentioned in the last newsletter looks so much
fun my friend and I are thinking of organising
our own. Trouble is we don't even have enough
friends for five-a-side football. Anyway, we
looked into it and here's the wiki."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bo-Taoshi
* iPHONE TEXT BLOCKER - We asked why there isn't
there a simple 'block texts' button on our phone
like there is in email? Some of you pointed out
iBlacklist - which only works if you jailbreak
your phone. Which is a bit pathetic really.
http://www.iblacklist.com.br/
* FLEATOON RETURNS - Dogbomb's collection of
cheesy old jokes, retold from the mouths of
fleas was last big-upped in issue 79, before
taking a brief hiatus. "I've been collating and
sitting on jokes for the past 3 years," cackles
the man. "I now have over 1000 and now it's
time to UNLEASH HELL! Or at least... unleash
groans and headslaps. Daily. With fleas."
http://fleatoon.com/
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: FRIDAY GAME
More sexy games
Buster Hackney writes, "My take on Friday Game
- Tube version. You ride the up escalator. As
you watch the other bodies riding down, you
have to pick the one you will have sex with.
You have to pick someone before the end of the
ride. Once you pick you can't change your mind.
If you made the right choice you win the game.
If you pass someone even hotter that makes you
shout, "Doh!" ... you lose."
Or if you don't want such muck, sinisterduck
suggests playing 'Ponycorns' with gfx and story
created by a five-year-old girl. Really. That's
what happens when your dad is a massive geek.
http://jayisgames.com/games/sissys-magical-ponycor...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* DAVID ICKE vs BEYONCÉ MASH UP - take the
"GIRLS! Rule the world" and shout "lizards!"
over the "girls" bit. And photoshops Icke's
head on Beyonce. You could also probably do one
with Hitler and Jews, but that actually would
be sort of horrid, rather than just mental.
* TOY TOWN MUSIC - Edward Bear asks, "I wonder
if you could play Kind of Blue in its entirety
using only instruments available from the Early
Learning Centre."
* A KITTEN BLOCK THAT DOESN'T JUST BLOCK THE
DAILY MAIL - but any story sourced on Tax
Payers Alliance material. (The cunning pressure
group that's basically the Tory party
outsourcing their nastiness.)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Rhyden Staines,
thomchem, Damocles, mrandrist, Jimmy Savlon,
DaveExclamationMark. Top Tippery by ry_simmonds.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Paul_P.
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: TOP TIP:
Fed up of your Internet being usurped by The
Man to push loud, flashing and obstructive
advertising pop-ups down your eyes? Then
uninstall your Flash player. That's pretty much
all people use it for nowadays anyway. It might
even help you get on with work for once in your
life too, rather than spending your days hiding
Miniclip from the boss.
