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This Week:
* QUIZ - Are you a Guardian or Mail reader?
* CYRIAK - Raises the baa for animation 
* VIDEO - Woman with boobs on her back

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're typing guff  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     on the web...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        together"

B3ta fractal rave flyer 481 - 2 June 2011

Get a hardcopy with your homemade Lego printer:

       Cats:  [email protected]
      Dogs:  [email protected]

  al-Qaeda Digital Watch
  We've been obsessed with the Casio f-91w since
  we learnt that Guantanamo Bay used possession of
  one as a sign that you're a member of al-Qaeda.
  It's a fantastic watch: battery life of 7 years,
  survives the swimming pool, dirt-cheap (£4 to
  £8). Basically at some point in the 80s, the
  digital watch reached its peak of form, function
  and price. A technology plateau that can only
  be recognised in retrospect; we wonder when
  similar plateaus will be (or have already been)
  reached with laptops, phones and tablet computers.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  We'd rather pimp your brand than talk about the
  watch we recently bought on Amazon - talk to


  Newspaper quiz, Sheep & Comedy gig thing

  >> Daily Mail vs Guardian reader quiz <<
  "Are you more of a Daily Mail or a Guardian
  reader? Using the results of their polls, you
  can now find out."

  >> Wake up, sheeple! <<
  New nightmare-fuel from Cyriak, AKA Mutated Monty,
  who downplays his work as "a bit of animated
  weirdness." Cyriak? It's not an animation, but a
  lambination and it should have been strangled at

  >> Comedy sale <<
  Sanderson Jones is a stand-up comedian and
  B3tan, who recently played the Edinburgh
  festival and sold all tickets himself on the
  street. He figured if he could sell 600 tickets
  to 25 different nights then he could sell 600
  tickets to one night, and has booked a 500
  seater place in Islington. His rules are that
  he won't flog the tickets via the web, but find
  out where he is via foursquare or send him a
  message on twitter then come and find him, and
  he'll sell you one in person. We'll be there -
  make sure you are too. BTW: Sanderson believes
  that having this personal connection with the
  audience, having met them, makes a unique
  prospect and he'll be able to make gags
  literally about the people in front of him -
  his new BFFs. Watch the vid:

  Then visit Sanderson's site:


  Best and Worst Foods

  Last week we asked for the best and worst things
  you've ever eaten. For a start, don't combine
  alcohol, rotten fish, and oral sex and don't
  let your dog French you:

  * I KNOW WHAT POO TASTES LIKE  - "I can't clean
  the toilet, and I never have. I only have to
  think about doing it, about getting my face
  close to that horrible bowl, and I vom a little.
  Previous girlfriends have remarked upon this as
  a sign of my typical male attitude towards
  cleaning, but sadly, the truth is far more
  hideous: ~ wavy lines back to 1987 ~ When I was
  7 my Dad decided to uncover the sewage system
  that he'd installed himself in the garden when
  building our bungalow. The specific reason
  escapes me, but there was some kind of blockage
  somewhere. Anyway, for a week or so part of the
  garden had an open shit and piss channel leading
  to an uncovered septic tank. My mates were over
  for an A-Team episode re-enactment and, as your
  hero Faceman outran the bad guys and performed
  an impressive army roll, I plunged in head
  first. And inhaled. Deeply. I must have
  swallowed about 3 turds and almost drowned in my
  own family's effluent before I was fished out by
  my Dad. So the reason I can't clean the toilet
  is that I am vividly aware of what poo tastes
  like. It's not like chicken at all: it's
  slightly alkaline and has chunks in."

  * DELICIOUS ICE CREAM - "One hungover morning, I
  opened the fridge to see before me the most
  delicious-looking lemon sorbet you've ever seen;
  a whole ice cream tub of it, full to the brim! I
  rummaged in the cupboard to find a very old
  packet of cones, grabbed a scoop, and salivating
  profusely, stuck two big scoops on top of a
  cone. It was a sculpture of glory; a glistening
  tower of divine ice cream medicine which would
  cure my awful hangover. It was only as I took my
  first, huge bite that a terrible realisation
  struck me. Ice cream belongs in a freezer, not a
  fridge. Two words: Goose, fat." (onelegout)

  * SCRUMMY SWARFEGA - "I used to run a printing
  shop at school, which generally meant the usual
  mucking about, only with more ink. One day we got
  into a swarfega fight, using metal rulers to
  flick blobs at each other. Good clean fun, har
  har. Until a blob sailed into my mouth. I can
  report that swarfega doesn't have an unpleasant
  flavour; it has about twenty. I couldn't get the
  taste out of my mouth as it gradually morphed
  through the entire spectrum of nastiness:
  bitter, soapy, acid, chemical; if there was a
  flavour that you wouldn't want to taste, it
  arrived sooner or later. I don't recommend it."
  (moon monkey)

  >> This Week's Question: Grandparents <<
  Tell us stories of your grandparents. Here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Not racist but... <<
  A cunning idea - search for "not racist but" on
  Facebook and turn it into a tumble-blog.
  Actually, for cheap lols, we've just tried a
  similar idea with "not gay but" to find examples
  of illiterate homophobia:
  * Charley - "im not gay but theres something
  about the taste of willys i cant resist...i need
  someone to help me out with my cravings!"
  * Damiano - "I'm not gay but I really love
  * Gerard -  "im not gay but im startin 2 like
  justin beiber"

  >> Awesome People Hanging Out Together  <<
  Famous people are sometimes photographed with
  other famous people and the combinations can be
  somewhat unlikely. Colonel Sanders & Alice
  Cooper, Woody Allen & Michael Jackson and even
  Salvador Dali & Walt Disney. Great photos.

  >> Tor, Silk Road & Bit Coins <<
  Tor is a version of the web beyond the law, Silk
  Road is site that sells drugs and Bit Coins are the
  coinage of this new Wild West. Frankly, we're a
  bit scared of visiting, as we keep hearing it's
  full of kiddy pron. Still, this Wired story gives
  a great overview of the drugs stuff:

  And, as Matt Round points out, "This was
  inevitable". Poor old Alex Tew must be kicking

  >> NEXT model competition trolled <<
  Who would have thought the internet might troll
  a public vote to pick a model? Let's hope NEXT
  are classy and let him win something.

  >> Museum of me <<
  Neat viral thingie from Intel - takes all your
  Facebook crap and sticks it in a virtual museum,
  reminding us that we're all unique yet exactly
  the same. Although, obviously, not as good as us.

  >> How all awards should work <<
  Artist remains unrepentant for judging
  prestigious prize by tossing a coin.


  Like DIVX stuff but without the torrenting bit

  >> "Oh, Mrs All Front... <<
  "Your butt and your boobs are in the front,
  you're a lazy man's dream BUT A HYGIENE
  NIGHTMARE." Genius, even if it is shitty promo
  for some awful rubber doll site.

  >> War games <<
  Kids + water pistols + gallons of animated blood.
  Gruesome but gleeful.

  >> Yoda + Withnail & I mashup <<
  Yoda plays Danny the drug dealer of Camberwell
  Carrot fame. This clip is destined to become a
  student stoner clasic.
  Luke: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot? 
  Yoda: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it
  looks like a carrot.
  Now who wants to set the dialogue of Spinal Tap
  to Star Wars?

  >> Japan World Cup 3 <<
  Strange Japanese horse-racing game that, if
  someone can convert to the iPhone/iPad, would be
  top of the App charts for months.

  >> Curse These Lemon Whores <<
  SFWish porno film intro, but extremely odd. We
  actually saw this clip months ago but it goes
  into full on grim porn so it's nice that someone
  has uploaded it to YouTube, chopping the end off.

  >> The 100 greatest movie threats of all time <<
  This is like a documentary about our internal
  monologue against our haters.


  Five-year-old gets his very own Tardis 

  A rather sweet story about a young lad having a
  TARDIS built for him by his Dad for his
  birthday. Made all the better by the way it's
  been reported in one newspaper.


  Results from the Biscuits Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to manipulate biscuits.

  Your favourites included:
  * BOURBON - Han Solo, encased in a crisp,
  chocolate wrapping and filled with delicious
  cocoa cream (Octo)

  * ROLL - much loved Welsh footballer, entirely
  legally rendered in fig (Q4nobody.co.uk)

  * TARTS - if biscuits were marketed like
  attractive night ladies (an Eagle in Your Mind)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Worst Superheroes <<
  Just think of a super-hero with the worst
  super-powers imaginable. Then provide us with
  a nice picture showing exactly how pathetic
  they are. Challenge suggested by tokyosexwhale


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TANS' CAT MONEY JOY - riverghost writes,
  "If you have a spare line or two in the
  newsletter, the London B3ta Bash managed to
  raise a thousand pounds for the Cat Survival
  Trust. Although it would have been only about
  £150 if it was not for Happytoast's outstanding
  idea at the 11th hour, to make the raffle an
  auction. Unbelievably, the highest lot to go
  was a Magic of Chutney original that went at
  £135!!!" Learn from this, people - auctions
  make more money than raffles. Important
  information right there.

  I am a little concerned with this week’s Top Tip.
  Disabling Flash would be of no help whatsoever
  in getting my work done. Regards, Alex Williams,
  Head of Games, www.miniclip.com. P.S. I agree
  with the shitty nature of Bourbon biscuits."



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BREAKFAST PRINTER - Andrew Lewin asks, "We've
  had the Lego printer, could any b3tans see fit
  to make my dream toast-jet breakfast printer.
  Bread in paper tray, jams replace inks?"

  * CONSPIRACY GENERATOR - in the week where
  everyone got excited over a load of old guff
  about Britain's Got Talent, surely we can
  automate this procedure?

  * RECIPES FOR HEROIN CAKE - Spacecakes are so

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us. Even the shit
  smeared hate mail tied to bricks.


  Nice people:  [email protected]
  Bastards:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by CFB, HappyToast,
  scarpe, dalesvariation, Raster Image, @fiend,
  @rob_399, Firkinfedup, Jimbuktu, EnglishHaggis,
  mictoboy, Stashie. Top Tippery by robneymcplum.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
  HappyToast, and if you don't get it then google
  'Lulz Securities'.


  Get one over on muggers by leaving a McDonalds
  apple pie in your pocket, therefore producing
  3rd-degree burns on their fingers as they try
  to steal your wallet.

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