NEWSLETTER: "FREE SONY DATABASE WITH EVERY COPY"
This Week:
* QUIZ - Are you a Guardian or Mail reader?
* CYRIAK - Raises the baa for animation
* VIDEO - Woman with boobs on her back
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're typing guff
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | on the web...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"
B3ta fractal rave flyer 481 - 2 June 2011
Get a hardcopy with your homemade Lego printer:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue481/
Cats: [email protected]
Dogs: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
al-Qaeda Digital Watch
We've been obsessed with the Casio f-91w since
we learnt that Guantanamo Bay used possession of
one as a sign that you're a member of al-Qaeda.
It's a fantastic watch: battery life of 7 years,
survives the swimming pool, dirt-cheap (£4 to
£8). Basically at some point in the 80s, the
digital watch reached its peak of form, function
and price. A technology plateau that can only
be recognised in retrospect; we wonder when
similar plateaus will be (or have already been)
reached with laptops, phones and tablet computers.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000J34HN...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
We'd rather pimp your brand than talk about the
watch we recently bought on Amazon - talk to
us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Newspaper quiz, Sheep & Comedy gig thing
>> Daily Mail vs Guardian reader quiz <<
"Are you more of a Daily Mail or a Guardian
reader? Using the results of their polls, you
can now find out."
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/pollposition/
>> Wake up, sheeple! <<
New nightmare-fuel from Cyriak, AKA Mutated Monty,
who downplays his work as "a bit of animated
weirdness." Cyriak? It's not an animation, but a
lambination and it should have been strangled at
birth.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Baaa
>> Comedy sale <<
Sanderson Jones is a stand-up comedian and
B3tan, who recently played the Edinburgh
festival and sold all tickets himself on the
street. He figured if he could sell 600 tickets
to 25 different nights then he could sell 600
tickets to one night, and has booked a 500
seater place in Islington. His rules are that
he won't flog the tickets via the web, but find
out where he is via foursquare or send him a
message on twitter then come and find him, and
he'll sell you one in person. We'll be there -
make sure you are too. BTW: Sanderson believes
that having this personal connection with the
audience, having met them, makes a unique
prospect and he'll be able to make gags
literally about the people in front of him -
his new BFFs. Watch the vid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
Then visit Sanderson's site:
http://www.comedysale.com
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Best and Worst Foods
Last week we asked for the best and worst things
you've ever eaten. For a start, don't combine
alcohol, rotten fish, and oral sex and don't
let your dog French you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bestandworstfood/
* I KNOW WHAT POO TASTES LIKE - "I can't clean
the toilet, and I never have. I only have to
think about doing it, about getting my face
close to that horrible bowl, and I vom a little.
Previous girlfriends have remarked upon this as
a sign of my typical male attitude towards
cleaning, but sadly, the truth is far more
hideous: ~ wavy lines back to 1987 ~ When I was
7 my Dad decided to uncover the sewage system
that he'd installed himself in the garden when
building our bungalow. The specific reason
escapes me, but there was some kind of blockage
somewhere. Anyway, for a week or so part of the
garden had an open shit and piss channel leading
to an uncovered septic tank. My mates were over
for an A-Team episode re-enactment and, as your
hero Faceman outran the bad guys and performed
an impressive army roll, I plunged in head
first. And inhaled. Deeply. I must have
swallowed about 3 turds and almost drowned in my
own family's effluent before I was fished out by
my Dad. So the reason I can't clean the toilet
is that I am vividly aware of what poo tastes
like. It's not like chicken at all: it's
slightly alkaline and has chunks in."
(gibbletwunt)
* DELICIOUS ICE CREAM - "One hungover morning, I
opened the fridge to see before me the most
delicious-looking lemon sorbet you've ever seen;
a whole ice cream tub of it, full to the brim! I
rummaged in the cupboard to find a very old
packet of cones, grabbed a scoop, and salivating
profusely, stuck two big scoops on top of a
cone. It was a sculpture of glory; a glistening
tower of divine ice cream medicine which would
cure my awful hangover. It was only as I took my
first, huge bite that a terrible realisation
struck me. Ice cream belongs in a freezer, not a
fridge. Two words: Goose, fat." (onelegout)
* SCRUMMY SWARFEGA - "I used to run a printing
shop at school, which generally meant the usual
mucking about, only with more ink. One day we got
into a swarfega fight, using metal rulers to
flick blobs at each other. Good clean fun, har
har. Until a blob sailed into my mouth. I can
report that swarfega doesn't have an unpleasant
flavour; it has about twenty. I couldn't get the
taste out of my mouth as it gradually morphed
through the entire spectrum of nastiness:
bitter, soapy, acid, chemical; if there was a
flavour that you wouldn't want to taste, it
arrived sooner or later. I don't recommend it."
(moon monkey)
>> This Week's Question: Grandparents <<
Tell us stories of your grandparents. Here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/grandparents/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Not racist but... <<
A cunning idea - search for "not racist but" on
Facebook and turn it into a tumble-blog.
Actually, for cheap lols, we've just tried a
similar idea with "not gay but" to find examples
of illiterate homophobia:
* Charley - "im not gay but theres something
about the taste of willys i cant resist...i need
someone to help me out with my cravings!"
* Damiano - "I'm not gay but I really love
rainbows"
* Gerard - "im not gay but im startin 2 like
justin beiber"
http://www.notracistbut.com/
>> Awesome People Hanging Out Together <<
Famous people are sometimes photographed with
other famous people and the combinations can be
somewhat unlikely. Colonel Sanders & Alice
Cooper, Woody Allen & Michael Jackson and even
Salvador Dali & Walt Disney. Great photos.
http://awesomepeoplehangingouttogether.tumblr.com/
>> Tor, Silk Road & Bit Coins <<
Tor is a version of the web beyond the law, Silk
Road is site that sells drugs and Bit Coins are the
coinage of this new Wild West. Frankly, we're a
bit scared of visiting, as we keep hearing it's
full of kiddy pron. Still, this Wired story gives
a great overview of the drugs stuff:
http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2011/06/silkroad/
And, as Matt Round points out, "This was
inevitable". Poor old Alex Tew must be kicking
himself.
http://www.themillionbitcoinhomepage.com/
>> NEXT model competition trolled <<
Who would have thought the internet might troll
a public vote to pick a model? Let's hope NEXT
are classy and let him win something.
http://goo.gl/GU6wj
>> Museum of me <<
Neat viral thingie from Intel - takes all your
Facebook crap and sticks it in a virtual museum,
reminding us that we're all unique yet exactly
the same. Although, obviously, not as good as us.
http://www.intel.com/museumofme/r/index.htm
>> How all awards should work <<
Artist remains unrepentant for judging
prestigious prize by tossing a coin.
http://bit.ly/iYPnAD
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like DIVX stuff but without the torrenting bit
>> "Oh, Mrs All Front... <<
"Your butt and your boobs are in the front,
you're a lazy man's dream BUT A HYGIENE
NIGHTMARE." Genius, even if it is shitty promo
for some awful rubber doll site.
http://goo.gl/zHabe
>> War games <<
Kids + water pistols + gallons of animated blood.
Gruesome but gleeful.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/War_games
>> Yoda + Withnail & I mashup <<
Yoda plays Danny the drug dealer of Camberwell
Carrot fame. This clip is destined to become a
student stoner clasic.
Luke: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
Yoda: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it
looks like a carrot.
Now who wants to set the dialogue of Spinal Tap
to Star Wars?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Two_of_my_favourite_thin...
>> Japan World Cup 3 <<
Strange Japanese horse-racing game that, if
someone can convert to the iPhone/iPad, would be
top of the App charts for months.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Japan_World_Cup_3
>> Curse These Lemon Whores <<
SFWish porno film intro, but extremely odd. We
actually saw this clip months ago but it goes
into full on grim porn so it's nice that someone
has uploaded it to YouTube, chopping the end off.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/CURSE_THESE_LEMON_WHORES
>> The 100 greatest movie threats of all time <<
This is like a documentary about our internal
monologue against our haters.
http://goo.gl/8RjbM
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Five-year-old gets his very own Tardis
A rather sweet story about a young lad having a
TARDIS built for him by his Dad for his
birthday. Made all the better by the way it's
been reported in one newspaper.
http://goo.gl/6Yty2
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Biscuits Challenge
Last week we wanted you to manipulate biscuits.
Your favourites included:
* BOURBON - Han Solo, encased in a crisp,
chocolate wrapping and filled with delicious
cocoa cream (Octo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10432473
* ROLL - much loved Welsh footballer, entirely
legally rendered in fig (Q4nobody.co.uk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10434278
* TARTS - if biscuits were marketed like
attractive night ladies (an Eagle in Your Mind)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10437735
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/biscuits/
>> New challenge: Worst Superheroes <<
Just think of a super-hero with the worst
super-powers imaginable. Then provide us with
a nice picture showing exactly how pathetic
they are. Challenge suggested by tokyosexwhale
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rubbish_superheroes/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TANS' CAT MONEY JOY - riverghost writes,
"If you have a spare line or two in the
newsletter, the London B3ta Bash managed to
raise a thousand pounds for the Cat Survival
Trust. Although it would have been only about
£150 if it was not for Happytoast's outstanding
idea at the 11th hour, to make the raffle an
auction. Unbelievably, the highest lot to go
was a Magic of Chutney original that went at
£135!!!" Learn from this, people - auctions
make more money than raffles. Important
information right there.
* CONCERNING LAST WEEK'S TOP TIP - "Dear b3ta,
I am a little concerned with this week’s Top Tip.
Disabling Flash would be of no help whatsoever
in getting my work done. Regards, Alex Williams,
Head of Games, www.miniclip.com. P.S. I agree
with the shitty nature of Bourbon biscuits."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BREAKFAST PRINTER - Andrew Lewin asks, "We've
had the Lego printer, could any b3tans see fit
to make my dream toast-jet breakfast printer.
Bread in paper tray, jams replace inks?"
* CONSPIRACY GENERATOR - in the week where
everyone got excited over a load of old guff
about Britain's Got Talent, surely we can
automate this procedure?
* RECIPES FOR HEROIN CAKE - Spacecakes are so
1990s.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us. Even the shit
smeared hate mail tied to bricks.
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Nice people: [email protected]
Bastards: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by CFB, HappyToast,
scarpe, dalesvariation, Raster Image, @fiend,
@rob_399, Firkinfedup, Jimbuktu, EnglishHaggis,
mictoboy, Stashie. Top Tippery by robneymcplum.
Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
HappyToast, and if you don't get it then google
'Lulz Securities'.
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TOP TIP:
Get one over on muggers by leaving a McDonalds
apple pie in your pocket, therefore producing
3rd-degree burns on their fingers as they try
to steal your wallet.
