NEWSLETTER: "UNLIKE LEICESTER, WE HAVE A ZOMBIE ATTACK STRATEGY"
This Week:
* SPACE - Zoomy fractal music vid
* COMIC - Morbid geese
* DR WHO - The anime!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're mining the web's
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | nostrils for tasty
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| link bogies... together"
B3ta texty turd 482 - 10 JUNE 2011
Now available on your pager:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue482/
Friends : [email protected]
Twats: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Sicki Dates
A few newsletters back, we saw Asda's dating
service and jokingly demanded a B3ta dating
site. "Well," explain newsletter staff, "A
dating website got in touch to say 'let's do
B3ta dating'. I said no, do Sickipedia - shocked
when they said yes." We're coming for YOU,
Guardian Soulmates.
http://www.sickidates.com/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Fractals, Doo-Dahs and Dares
>> Zoomy fractal music vid <<
"The band is called 'Hooray for Earth'," explains
mutated monty, of this gently bleepy tuneage.
"Never heard of them myself, but it gave me a
good excuse to do something with isometric
fractals."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_new_music_video_I_made
>> Camptown races script <<
"Ever been reading your favourite online news
site, stumbled across a headline with seven
syllables, and followed it in your head with
doo-dah, doo-dah, in the style of Camptown
Races?" asks Tom Scott. "Well, I have. And now
you can too, with this Greasemonkey script!"
http://www.tomscott.com/camptown-news/
>> YouTube Chatterbox <<
A 'chatterbox' being one of those foldy
eggbox-looking things you used to play with at
school, with a dare or an insult under every
flap. "A few weeks ago my daughter came home
with a chatterbox," writes Dave. "It just so
happened that I was tinkering about with video
stuff on YouTube at the time and realised that
you'd be able to bring it to life through video.
Only go through with the videos if you're
willing to act on the dare!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Grandparents
Last week we asked you for stories about your
grandparents. There's a lot of love in here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/grandparents/
* SEX - "I was with gran in town one day when
she was booking a coach trip. The girl on the
counter asked if she wanted a double bed or two
singles. Gran turned around and said, "A double
bed, please dear. My Albert can still get the
job done." Me and the counter lass both blushed
massive shades of red." (Rogerthestarfish)
* THRUSTS - "When I was about 8, my Nanna and
Grandpa Roy lived in a block of flats in
Walderslade in Chatham and around the flat was a
large, grassed area where the local kids played
football. Recently they had taken to kicking the
ball against the side of the block which
infuriated Nanna. Consequently, she spent a lot
of her time standing on her balcony shaking her
fist at the kids and telling them to 'sod off'.
One Sunday, Mum, Dad, my little sister and I
trundled round there for one of Nanna's Sunday
roasts and when she opened the door my poor
8-year-old eyes nearly popped out of their
sockets. She was wearing an apron, but not just
any old apron, this was an apron with a pair of
rubberised DD boobies on the front and a curious
flap at groin level. As the adults made small
talk and we terrorised her two pet terrapins,
the thud from the football being kicked against
the side of the block of flats became louder and
more persistent so Nanna, with a look of fury on
her face, marched out of the flat and round to
the kids and shouted, 'OI, CLEAR OFF YOU LITTLE
SODS BEFORE I SEND MY ROY DOWN HERE TO GIVE YOU
A BLOODY GOOD HIDING...' She trailed off,
staring at the startled little row of 'O' shaped
mouths and eyes in front of her. When she
realised that she was standing there in The
Apron, she chuckled, gave a raunchy wiggle,
planted her feet hip width apart and lifted the
flap, which contained a rubberised willy
complete with pubes and ballbag, gave a pelvic
thrust and shouted 'COOOOOEEEEEEEEE' as the
little moppets scattered, never to return."
(GirlOfTheWorld)
* AND ROCK'N'ROLL - "My Grandfather was an
English professor - in the 70s it was his expert
testimony that enabled the Sex Pistols to call
their LP 'Never Mind The Bollocks' as he
attested 'bollocks' was not technically an
obscene word. The band gave him a copy of the
album signed by them all, thanking him for his
pivotal assistance. My lovely old gran gave it
to Oxfam in the 80s, unplayed. AAAARRRRGHH!
(Incidentally during the trial the prosecution
tried to belittle my grandfather; "so, you're an
expert on the word 'bollocks' are you?" they
asked him. "Oh, no," he replied, "I can tell you
all about 'fuck' and 'shit' too.") (Monty Boyce)
>> This Week's Question: Fairgrounds <<
Fairgrounds, theme parks, circuses, carnivals.
C'mon: scream if you want to type faster:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fairgrounds/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Morbid geese comic <<
About geese and blood and dads and death and
stuff. Long but satisfying, much like our penis.
http://www.ryan-a.com/comics/roof.htm
>> Unlikely 1984 review
"Orwell completely fails to capture the
uplifting vibe that was the pop explosion of
1984", as found on the Amazon home shopping
network:
http://goo.gl/0YRZx
>> The stupid faces of Dr Who <<
Apparently Doc Who (as nobody calls him) has a
very stupid face, as these screengrabs 100%
prove.
http://stupidfacesofdoctorwho.tumblr.com/
>> Guy trolls dating site <<
Cruel? Yes. Funny? Yes.
http://imgur.com/a/D17ll
>> Dad dresses up in a different costume ... <<
...every day to wave good-bye. Looked at these
pics for a while, then noticed Dad was missing a
leg. So there's a tip if you are missing a leg;
wear a silly costume and it won't be the first
thing people will notice.
http://www.waveatthebus.blogspot.com/
>> All Wikipedia articles lead to Philosophy? <<
Pastor of Muppets writes, "Having a browse
through xkcd, noticed the alt-text on this one
which says 'Wikipedia trivia: if you take any
article, click on the first link in the article
text not in parentheses or italics, and then
repeat, you will eventually end up at
"Philosophy". Try it, it's utterly true.'"
http://xkcd.com/903/
And if you can't be arsed to try it yourself,
read about the phenomenon on Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Get_to_Phil...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
It's not real, only pixels. Only pixels.
>> Machine destroys anything <<
Like a vintage 'Will It Blend' with an 80s
soundtrack, churning metal teeth obliterate
anything that falls between them. Including a
weirdly comprehensive range of feminine hygiene
products.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_machine_destroys_ev...
>> Doctor Who anime <<
Highly exciting nonsense when neo-Tokyo meets
1970s Jon Pertwee and bad-ass Cybermen. We
can't wait for the Wurzel Gummidge anime, with
the Crowman on a superbike. Freaking sweet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Ride only in cycle lanes <<
US cyclist gets fined, gets mad, decides to
only travel in the cycle lane. No matter what
gets in the way.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Riding_in_bike_lanes
>> "An Open Letter to Stephen Fry" <<
Sweetly awkward performance, as singer Molly
Lewis serenades Stephen Fry about how she wants
to have his baby. Blushes galore, plus a lovely
tune.
http://goo.gl/3HSJo
>> Web developers love Internet Explorer <<
Clever, self-deprecating ad for IE9, as web
developers' comments are transparently re-edited
to give the impression that they have anything
at all nice to say about previous iterations of
the Microsoft browser.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "I love the Power Glove... It's so bad" <<
Before the Wii we had... the Power Glove. Awesome
clip from 80s classic The Wizard.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Fishy business
"Is it just me", writes @jackbremer, "or is this
self-pleasuring fish logo a bit rude?" Hmm, yes,
and the 'force it in' punning name also
delightfully suggests sexual asualt.
http://www.faucetinn.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Crap Superhero Challenge
Last week we wanted you to think up really
rubbish superheroes. AND YOU DID IN DROVES!
Your favourites included:
* TUBGIRL - haven't thought about this grim meme
for a while. Thanks Holly Would for reminding us.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10439461
* SPIDERMAN - DUM4S5 has come up with a novel
way of defeating him.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10440505
* CAPTAIN HINDSIGHT - A Vagabond points out
quite how irritating this is.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10443447
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rubbish_superheroes/
>> New challenge: Cybercops <<
Cyber-cops. The head of Britain's "e-crime" unit
wants the public to take them more seriously.
This week's challenge is to do the opposite.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cybercops/
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: FRIDAY GAME
More wanking games
Jamie writes, "Here's another addition to your
sexy games list. When I fancy knocking one out,
I sometimes play Babestation Deal or No Deal.
Tune into the first Babestation-type channel and
ask yourself 'Deal or No Deal?'. If you Deal,
you knock one out there and then. If you No
Deal, you go to the next channel and ask the
same question. If you get to the last station
without dealing, then you have to knock one out
to whoever's on that channel and there's no
going back, even if it's your mum."
* AND HERE COMES THE SCIENCE BIT - salvadorevincent
writes, "You might like to know that Buster
Hackney's take on the Friday Game in Newsletter
480, about going on an escalator and choosing
which person on the opposite escalator you'd
like to have sex with, but not being able to
change your mind once you've chosen (and thus
risking someone even hotter passing you by
later) is an example of what mathematicians call
Optimal Stopping. There is a formula for
maximising your chances of picking the best
person, assuming the people on the other
escalator are evenly spaced apart: wait until
you are 37% of the way along the escalator, then
choose the first person who is more attractive
than anyone you have seen so far. If you haven't
chosen anyone by the end, then you have to pick
the last person (even if this is the winner of a
Susan Boyle lookalike contest). Amazingly, you
then have a 37% chance of having imaginary sex
with the hottest person on the escalator."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_problem
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Attempt to play "Popcorn" by flicking your teeth
with your fingers. 10 points if anyone sitting
near you recognises the tune.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SANDERSON JONES IN WIRED.CO.UK - after we
featured Sanderson in his attempt to get 500
people to turn up as his gig thing, he's both
appeared in Wired AND had some PR company after
him. Huzzah.
http://goo.gl/fL1qx
* CASIO WATCH BOLLOCKS - robertvaliant writes,
"I was under the impression that all the cheap
range Casio watches go for 2000 yen and wanted
to see if this one was different. It wasn't. But
what makes this particular vendor special is the
second image they use to recommend it."
http://goo.gl/0uA8z
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CROSS-SECTIONS - lots of interesting photos of
stuff in cross-section. Like how tomatotoes look
shit if you cut them vertically, but awesome if
you cut them horizontally.
* WHERE PULLED QUOTES REALLY COME FROM - when
you see "amazing" on the film poster was the
review really saying, "it's amazing that crap
like this is green-lit"
* PLUGINS FOR iPAD GARAGEBAND - we're massively
addicted to this (newsletter late as we were
sitting, writing bad acid house on the bog),
but slightly frustrated there's no easy way to
connect all other iPad instruments up with the
DAW without lots of fucking around in iTunes.
Sort it out, Apple.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by sinisterduck,
Timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Alphabet Soap,
the_log_knows, unclepills, Chris Parrott,
Cavalorn, Adrian Bott, @helenlewis & tim dog
Top Tippery by oneinthepink & @chopeh.
Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols
via robneymcplum.
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TOP TIP:
Paedophile rings: Stop involving normal people,
by wanking over each other's childhood photo
albums.
TOP TIP 2:
Drop your phone in an (empty) pint glass:
instant loudspeaker
