NEWSLETTER: "BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T AFFORD A GLASTONBURY TICKET"
This Week:
* ANIM - Sex-Wogan
* CAMERA - In the post
* FOX - vs Jon Stewart
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're sniffing the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web bicycle seat for
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| sweat lols... together"
B3ta word.doc 484 - 24 Jun 2011
Click this issue with your light pen:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue484/
Disco: [email protected]
Sucks: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Are you the next Banksy? C4 wants to know.
Street artists, writers and vandals join the
Street Summer design competition here! Enter
your work to win and represent UK Art!
http://bit.ly/mIcWZ8
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than
>> Pornographic Images of Terry Wogan <<
"I just have nothing better to do with my time,"
confesses a shamed Butters, over this jaunty
animation of the ageing National Treasure's
indefatigable sexual appetites. Bonus fact:
Terry Wogan's autobiography is called 'Wogan on
Wogan'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pornographic_Images_of_T...
>> Bond re-edit (View to a Kill) <<
"Here's a new edit of View to a Kill," brags
idiofy. "I also have a Goldfinger and Casino
Royale one too if you're interested." A vast
improvement on the original.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_new_Bond_re_edit_View...
>> Make your own old-school C64 logos <<
In the comfort and convenience of your browser,
you can create your own 80s-style computer game
text. Thanks, codepo8!
http://isithackday.com/logo-o-matic/
>> Bono's cock <<
Keen newswatchers may already be aware that
Bono's cock has been running wild and annoying
the neighbours. TommyReckless has made it into a
little tune. BTW We are quite excited to see
what will happen with the big protest against U2
at Glasto.
http://t.co/OtWMGlz
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Horrible Things You've Done to a Loved One
Well, farting on their heads mostly:
http://b3ta.com/questions/horriblethings/
* BLING - It wasn't premeditated, but once,
rifling through the top-drawer of junk, looking
for some money or something, I came across a
box. Without thinking (that's me!) I took it
out, turned to my girlfriend and went down on
one knee. "Sarah?" "Yes??" *glee hands* *opens
box* "Have you seen my cuff links? They're ace
aren't they?" There was much tears and
flouncing. They were ace cuff links though."
(Zak McFlimby)
* BANG - "WWII: My dad and his younger sister
are playing in front of the house. A shell
explodes VERY near. Luckily the ground wasn't
even, and the shell fell into a dip. So the
shrapnel flew around them, sparing their lives,
but the house was fully hit. Imagine the scene:
a huge boom, plaster falling off the wall,
smashed glass, dust flying around. My grandma
was in the house, called her sons and started
running to go outside and see if they were ok.
My father to his little sister: "Let's lay down
and play dead." Hilarity ensues." (frox)
* BRRR - "She's always cold, especially in the
middle of winter. On long car journeys she
usually falls asleep after 10 minutes or so. I
put the air con to the coldest setting and wait
for the cold to start waking her up. I then put
the heating on full blast. When she finally
comes to, she can't work out why she's so cold
yet the heater is on full. I've been doing this
for years..." (Yellow Car)
>> This Week's Question : Sex <<
We'd like your stories of disastrous bedroom
antics. The ones that don't involve your mum
leaving you a cup of tea whilst you were
wanking. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bedroomdisasters/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Camera in the post <<
Neat art project - stick a disposable camera in
the post and ask people to photograph the
journey. You should do the same, but send your
camera to Nigeria, you know, give it a bit of a
journey.
http://goo.gl/tdZ9A
>> Music project stung for $32k <<
Andy Baio organised an album project where
chiptune artists covered Miles Davies's Kind of
Blue. For the cover he comissioned a pixel
artist to do an 8bit take on the original
photographic cover. He's now been stung for
$32,000 - most of his savings - by the
delightful lawyers representing photographer Jay
Maisel. As Gizmodo write, it's "Kind of A Dick
Move‎".
http://bit.ly/mNHtzY
>> Famous TV Vampire Angel does stuff <<
You probably don't give a shit - but we watched
5 seasons of that show and this is funny. Gay,
but funny.
http://angeldoesstuff.tumblr.com/
>> Animals being dicks <<
This has been everywhere for the last two weeks,
we're giving in and linking it to shut you up.
It's in, ok?
http://www.animalsbeingdicks.com
>> Texty, ascii boxy bollocks <<
Throw away your desktop apps; browser-based
Photoshop is here!
http://www.asciiflow.com
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like cinema but without the velvet curtains
>> John Stewart vs Fox 'News' <<
John Stewart and Fox News argue about who is the
propagandist. As we've been listening to about
2gb of Noam Chomsky downloads all week, we'd
argue both of them.
http://goo.gl/EOsr8
>> Gentle parody of Adam Curtis <<
Curtis's recent TV series received much criticism
from the nerds who pointed out that Curtis
stitches together disconnected narratives and
kind-of hopes for the best. Our tip is to read his
blog, where he generally tells one story per
blog post and stays more coherent.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Loving_Trap
>> Paranoid Android done by lots and lots of people <<
One of those semi-adverts for YouTube /
internets where people make music without
meeting each other. Great stuff, but meeting
people is GOOD TOO you know. (Not really; we've
replaced all our friends with Twitter.)
http://goo.gl/rEBgl
>> Leonard Solomon and his home-made music machine <<
The shed is the one place in life where a human
being can be truly free to pursue his wants and
dreams. Let's salute the shed.
http://goo.gl/XPGwq
>> Sid Vicious on X Factor <<
Sid was so-named after being bitten by his
friend John Lydon's hamster. He said, "Sid is
really vicious." The name stuck.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sid_Vicious
>> Receipt racer <<
When Peak Oil truly hits and we're living in
rotten shanty towns where nothing works, we'll
remember videos like this and go "lol".
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Receipt_racer
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny meaning shit and useless of course
* MEH - You need some new flooring. But not
too fancy; you want it a bit meh...
http://t.co/PR9Hg6D
* ANGEL DELIGHT - The photo on Angel Delight's
Wikipedia page. Probably NSFW due to er...
well... it looking a bit like a fanny.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Angel_Delight.jp...
* ARE YOU A DRAPIST? - We are, but we haven't
been caught yet.
http://www.halfpricedrapes.com/
* PHALLIC LOGOS - yet another, this one from a
cash and carry.
http://www.horecatotaal.be/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the b3tadvertisng Challenge
Last week we wanted you to imagine that b3ta was
an advertising agency.
Your favourites included:
* NOKIA - mobile phone giant in Human
Centipede-style connection farrago (dirtyscarab)
http://b3ta.com/board/10451686
* NIKE - in which the good Professor Hawking
abandons his chair for a more active existence
(Mr Chicken)
http://b3ta.com/board/10453541
* ADIDAS - German sports conglomerate introduces
unfortunate maritime disaster campaign
(printmeister)
http://b3ta.com/board/10453323
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/b3tadvertising/
>> New challenge: The Secret Life of Kitchens <<
This week's challenge is simply to picture what
the stuff in your kitchen gets up to when when
you're not looking. Bon Appétit
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kitchens/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* POOR OLD DARKLORD - many /linkers paid tribute
to Kenny Hawkes' passing and produced a playlist
of his favourite tunes - over 100 of them -
thanks dreddpiratebob for putting this together.
http://goo.gl/sa6QU
Also interesting is a series of Q&As with Kenny
about synths. Who knew he was so knowledgeable?
http://goo.gl/BQwge
* KEVIN ELDON GIG - "I don't know what your
policy is regarding plugging charity gigs on the
newsletter," inquires RTJ, "but I'm doing a big
spoken word thing that I think B3tans would
enjoy. 'Utter!' heartbreak!"
So, on Friday 1st July, why not go see the
hilarious Kevin Eldon, plus Tim Wells' choons,
Robert Auton, Zena Edwards and Richard Tyrone
Jones? It's £13 on the door, but it all goes to
the British Heart Foundation (50%) and
Cardiomyopathy Association (50%). Drayton Court
is just on the corner as you turn left out of
West Ealing station. Plus, if you book now you
can save £2.50 on your charity donation.
http://www.wegottickets.com/event/120680
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: FRIDAY GAME
Some kind of puzzle game
Loads of boarders appeared to enjoy this and
voted it highly but we couldn't get the hang of
it. Maybe we're just shit:
http://goo.gl/gI0ce
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GOOGLE TIME - @jingies asks, "I've a request
for 'would like to see' in newsletter: some way
to draw a radius in Google maps based on travel
time not distance."
* ALL TEACHERS SACKED, REPLACED WITH E-LEARNING
SOFTWARE AND SECURITY GUARDS TO KEEP ORDER -
actually this isn't something we want to see,
but a fear of what might happen.
* BUILD A ROCKET AND FIRE IT TO THE MOON - why
not? Sounds like a fun thing to do. Nobody else
is really doing it now.
Send your sticky leaks via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Tits: [email protected]
Arseholes: [email protected]
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THANKS, ANKLES. THANKLES:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @davebirss,
@wickyewok, Cheryl Hanlon, Le Petit Dodo,
@davidnield, @benjymous, Rushy, Tael, tofer,
sinisterduck, custard, @scatatkins, mrandrist,
Herb Alperts Taxi Driver, social hand grenade,
bumface. Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Tip via costas. Subjlols via Coin Operated Boy.
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TOP TIP:
Anvils, pianos and bin-bags filled with dogshit
make ideal 'raindrops' for Richard Littlejohn.
