we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* MONSTERS - 'Previously on Doctor Who'
* DUCT TAPE - vs Tron
* BEN WHEATLEY - talks Kill List

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're renting out    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    our buy-to-let to 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   Gaddafi... together"

B3ta email 493 - 26 Aug 2011

Read this on your shitty £80 HP tablet:

       Joiners:  [email protected]
     Nailers:  [email protected]

  Roberts MP43 

  This week we were stuck for which magic music
  box to buy for getting tunes into the kitchen.
  We wanted iPod dock, Dab & CD - but screw
  streaming as our thick walls mean that stuff
  never works for us. Asked on Twitter and got
  several recommendations for the Roberts. It's
  like a budget Bose Wave; £200 instead of £800 -
  but what a sound! It's changed our kitchen life;
  we'll never leave it, just sit here listening to
  endless Kraftwerk albums and drinking tea. Key
  phrase: Super-detailed sound that made us hear
  bits in Bowie's Low we didn't know were there.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then fax our amsphone:


  Other than making the other b3tans cry

  >> Previously, on Doctor Who <<
  "New Doctor Who starts tomorrow and many folks
  won't have time to watch all 777 episodes to get
  caught up in time. So I've made this brief
  montage of the whole damn thing," blushes
  Vampiremonkeyonspeed. Highly enjoyable, if only
  to revel in very, very bad vintage SFX.

  >> Oui Oui, Je Suis Gerard Depardieu <<
  "A haw hee haw," drawls Fat Boab as he musically
  mocks the Gallic star's recent bathroom

  >> Thirty! <<
  "This is a short, one-level game I made to mark
  my 30th birthday," moans yanmania, "and to show
  how I feel about it!" Yep, that game concept
  covers 30th birthdays well - also every
  subsequent birthday of your life.

  >> I Swear, You're Famous <<
  "Because I am a twat, whenever I interview
  anyone vaguely well-known, I try to get a photo
  of myself stood next to them swearing," explains
  mikeisbrill. "I want a fucking coffee-table book
  deal out of this." Hopefully this will make Mike
  a celebrity, then we can get a coffee-table book
  from being photographed next to him.


  Performance in front of people

  We wanted to know if you've ever performed in
  front of an audience, voluntarily or otherwise,
  and got very different tales of mirth and woe: 

  * BOG SONG - 'I'm heading for the toilets in a
  Mexican restaurant. As I enter, I can't fail to
  notice a tall black guy at the sinks combing his
  hair, wearing an electric pink zoot suit,
  complete with 70s-pimp-style pink fedora, I
  guess he was on his way to perform somewhere. I
  head for the cubicle, and am innocently minding
  my own business when I hear the pink dude
  starting to sing "Boogie Nights" to himself. A
  couple of lines in, the unseen occupant in the
  next cubicle starts to harmonise, singing the
  high parts. Now, I'm not particularly musical,
  but I do know this song and can hit low notes,
  so when the appropriate moments came I chimed in
  with the "Got to keep on dancing, keep on
  dancing". After the song ended I heard him say
  "Oh man, I can't believe nobody heard that!'
  (Moon Monkey) 

  * NAME WRONG - 'I was nine years old and the
  school was bucking the trend of awful nativity
  plays with an ambitious stab at Dickens' A
  Christmas Carol instead. I really wanted Scrooge
  or one of the ghosts but playing Bob Cratchett
  knocked wearing a bed-sheet and shining a torch
  at three shepherds into a cocked hat. The
  opening scene was beautifully simple. Two desks
  on stage, Scrooge's front and centre with Bob's
  slightly behind and to the side. Each, in turn,
  illuminated by a single spotlight as the
  characters introduced themselves; Scrooge saying
  how he believed in hard work and that Christmas
  was a nonsense before moving on to Bob extolling
  the joys that Christmas can bring. I was buzzing
  with excitement. This was real theatre!
  Scrooge's light comes on: "My name is Ebeneezer
  Scrooge and I run a tight ship. I have no time
  for joy or frivolity and detest Christmas. It's
  a poor excuse to rob a man's pocket every
  December 25th and a humbug! HUMBUG!" My turn. My
  light comes on. This is it. I stand up and,
  addressing the audience in my finest theatre
  voice, loudly proclaim: "My name is Bob
  Catshit." I was a tree the next year.'

  * SWEARS FOR THE DEAF - "I work as a sign
  language interpreter so I am usually up in front
  of people, such as groups of teenagers at
  college, arty farty types at festival talks and
  events, information events, wedding speeches,
  suited and booted serious types at work meetings
  or training or conferences, anything you can
  imagine doing in your life, I could be there sat
  in front of you. Most people are interested
  enough to watch for a bit to see what is going
  on with that lady flapping her hands around at
  the front, then generally lose interest and
  concentrate on the speaker. All audiences have
  one thing in common though, no matter who they
  are. You can 100% guarantee that the second, THE
  VERY SECOND any one utters the words, shit,
  fuck, bollocks, erectile dysfunction, vagina,
  marijuana, cocaine, fuck, sex, breasts, balls,
  penis, nipples, semen, cock, wanker, thrush,
  bullshit, masturbation, poo, wee, diarrhea or
  any other 'rude' word you can think of, every
  single eye in the house will turn to me, and
  look to see 'Ooooooooooo how do you sign
  THAT!'" (Herb Alperts Taxi Driver) 

  >> This week: Overheard secrets <<
  Ever heard someone blurt out their deepest, most
  embarrassing secrets, unaware that B3tan ears
  are listening in? Don't just sit there, tell us.


  You know you want to. Oh yes.

  Hero of Switzerland will be hosting and curating
  a group show at the VZ Gallery off of Brick Lane
  in Shoreditch from September 1st to 14th. We
  like them because they collect all the crappy
  top tips from magazines for cheap lols.

  Their top tips stuff:  


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Stocking is the new planking <<
  Planking: the art of lying like a plank to,
  well, look like a plank.
  Stocking: the art of posing exactly like a
  contrived stock photo.
  Pandering: giving the internet exactly what it
  wants in the hope of getting attention:

  >> Why did you unfollow me? <<
  A psychology of Twitter infographic.
  Insightful but missing some of the reasons we
  unfollowed people recently:
  1. Posting hang 'em flog 'em guff after the
  2. Telling Tom Watson off for boring on about
  3. Disagreeing with us about the best jam.
  >> HMV Oxford Street in the 1960s <<
  Civilisation is extraordinary. To make sure
  people keep buying stuff and the capitalist
  wheels keep turning there's a constant change of
  fashions and technology - this is called
  consumer society. The other side of it is that we
  look back 50 years and barely recognise our
  world. There must be something better that can
  be done with the earth's precious resources.

  >> Have they remade Back To The Future yet? <<
  Hollywood loves remaking classic movies as it's
  an easy pitch. "Schindler's List with Eddie
  Murphy!" but fans hate it. It's like literally
  taking a dump on their childhood memories. The
  campaign starts now to Save BTTF.

  >> Switcheroo <<
  You know those headswap photoshops? Imagine
  that but without photoshop - no I don't mean an
  exciting new world of serial killer photography
  where they saw the heads off (as good as that
  would be) but simply clothes swapping. Warning:
  Those whose sexuality is largely based upon
  the cues of clothing might become aroused then
  wonder if they're gay.

  >> Scary Korean comic <<
  Featuring an awesome technique that Scott
  McCloud could probably spin out into a new book
  where he optimistically hopes it could save the
  entire comics industry.


  As capitalism eats itself and ruins the world
  * BETTER THE BREVILLE YOU KNOW - We finally knew
  society was doomed when Breville attempted to
  converge the radio and the toaster. Tempted to
  buy one and claim the two slots are for burning
  MP3s on your iPad.

  * BONO IS A SHONKY BASTARD - U2 have spun out
  one of their shitty old albums to 10 disks for
  £75. As if Bono's Facebook $billion wasn't
  enough. What are you going to do with the money
  Bono? Stick a hat on the moon? What kind of fan
  buys this - to surround themselves in U2 junk
  and lay there masturbating thinking of Larry
  Mullen Jnr?


  Like TV but with bonus b.b.b.buffering  

  >> 3D Printer made from LEGO <<
  But wait... it's not THAT one, this is a 3D
  printer. Well, okay, it's a milling machine, the
  difference being that a milling machine carves
  something out of a solid block. Still, very
  impressive and unbelievably accurate.

  >> Duct tape vs. Tron <<
  Exciting ad for duct tape that not only homages
  an iconic Tron scene but goes the extra mile for
  internet lols. (We feature the ad as we know
  many of our readers like to keep a roll or two
  in their backpacks.)

  >> "Portal Gun" <<
  Excellent short film about a woman with one of
  they awesome portal guns, from the computer game
  of the same name.

  >> Shitty indescribable advert <<
  The joy of the mass amateurisation of everything
  is seeing how crappy advertising can be. Truly

  >> Normal women posing like models in public <<
  Enjoyable in a Beadle's About kind of way, in
  seeing the public's reactions. People are
  genuinely concerned that the "models" are unwell.

  >> Firefighter Exam <<
  Impressive speed demonstration of getting a
  ladder off an engine and fireman into a
  building. Wouldn't want to be in their way; you
  could end up just as dead as being caught in the


  We only run this shit out of self-loathing

  LOGO - we're so bored of this stuff we could
  barely work up the enthusiasm to click the link,
  but we laughed despite ourselves and then
  plunged into a trough of depression.

  * VIBRATORS - @ImVincentMurphy writes, "I see
  Ann Summers have released their new organic
  rabbit range." If That's Life was still being
  made they'd bite your arm off for this link.
  It's that good.


  Come and see his new film Kill List

  Old school B3tan Ben has followed up Down
  Terrace with something that's going to be at
  proper cinemas. Genuinely impressive stuff, so
  we've caught up with him for a quickie interview. 

  B3ta: Fucking hell Ben, you've actually managed
  decent stab at a proper career in film making.

  Ben: I am as surprised about it as you. Next
  year I am making the comic I used to post on the
  board called "I Macrobane" into a film starring
  Nick Frost.. what about that?

  B3ta: Filming Kill List - what did you learn?

  Ben: I learnt that working with loads of naked
  people isn't as distracting as I thought it would

  B3ta: Ideal has been cancelled because you no
  longer work on it yes?

  Ben: If that was the reason I'd have offered to
  do another series to keep it going. Sadly, the
  world doesn't actually revolve around me. It was
  just the BBC being cunty.

  B3ta: Tell us an anecdote about someone famous
  you've met.

  Ben: I ran into Brian Blessed in the street the
  other week. I was with Kill List Producer Andy
  Starke. I introduced Andy to Brian (I know him
  from Wrong Door) and he said "HELLO ANDY...
  WHAT'S THAT?" and pointed to Andy's shirt. Andy
  looked down and Brian smacked him in the face.
  Brian Blessed. Legend.

  B3ta: Plug your film. Plug it like the wind.

  Ben: Kill List is a horror film and it's really
  horrible. There is extreme bloody violence and
  mass nudity. Unlike Down Terrace (my last film,
  available in Asda for £2 apparently) it might
  actually be on at a cinema near you from next

  There's also a premiere of my Frightfest on
  Sunday could you pimp it up? It's been getting
  some good reviews and that.

  Watch the trailer here. And read the YouTube
  comments from jealous film geeks who haven't got
  their act together to make a feature film:


  CmdrTaco resigns

  Back when we started B3ta in 2001 one of our
  influences was Slashdot, one of the few sites
  that understood that putting the site members at
  the heart of the content was the obvious way
  forward. Of course, now the world and its dog
  does it, but back then it was hard to convince
  anyone (well anyone with power and money) that
  it was the way to go. So long then, Rob Malda, we
  always loved you more than Kevin Rose anyway.


  Results from the Kid's TV Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to invent new shows for
  children's television.

  Your favourites included:
  * RACIST - revived Clangers franchise proves
  unpopular with modern audience (E Dubya)

  * WARPED - like regular Sesame Street, but with
  added post-apocalyptic madness and killing (2
  Can Chunder)

  * MASH-UP - inventing amazing programme spinoffs
  so commissioning editors don't have to (fuxtix)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Dark Disney <<
  Disney is a wonderful, family-oriented company.
  But imagine if their characters were real, and
  had real-world problems. This week's challenge
  is to portray their miserable lives. Challenge
  suggested by fluffybunnykiller


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WHO IS CONNING WHO? A Tracey Emin piss-take
  from Beau Bo D'Or signed by Tracey Emin is being
  sold online. 

  * RTing OUR OWN FAN MAIL - @youvebinframed
  writes," Hi B3ta, Thanks for making our Twitter
  feed @youvebinframed your follow Friday it means
  a lot to us, we've been massive fans of B3ta for
  years and this is something of a anoraky geek
  highpoint for us. Cheers! :)"



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WIKIBITUARIES - barryheadwound asks,
  "Everybody knows that all the major news media
  maintain a load of obituaries on the shelf ready
  for when ageing or particularly hardcore public
  figures drop off the twig, and equally there's
  the old wikideaths lark of killing people off on
  Wikipedia. Why not bring the two together to
  create a resource where a community of -
  admittedly probably a bit morbid - people
  maintain a resource of user-generated obituaries
  for slebs and other public figures?"

  "Is there anyone out there in b3ta-ville with
  musical-computer-skills magical enough to
  totally remove all of Robert Plant's
  contributions to the oeuvre of Led Zeppelin?
  Sometimes I wish he would just shut up, and I'd
  love to hear an alternative universe version of
  Zep where they were purely instrumental." We
  agree with this - Plant's voice has always put
  us off the Zep, despite Page's amazing guitar

  would thank you. Christ they even let the
  tosser on the radio now.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Just imagining a home bacon maker.
  You put a pig in it overnight and wake up to the
  smell of fresh bacon. Stuff sent in by
  @SetecAstronomy, @cr3, @rupinjapan, @Popjustice,
  @laurasnapes, @Itsallaboutcake, @lulutitters,
  @benjymous, robneymcplum, @CianHa, via Stashie,
  @megpickard, Pazuzu, @sirthopas & @JohnMoynes. I
  like to measure out my toothpaste at about a
  quarter of the length of my proboscis. I have a
  signal to nose ratio of 1:4. Top Tippery by "How
  Soon Is Now?" If my willy was the big hand and
  my balls the the small hand the time would
  currently be about 6:30. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Sometimes I
  like making my hand go to sleep and pretending
  it's someone else making me drink tea. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke, except when it's Scary
  Duck. Subjlols by joefish.


  Avoid hearing Big Brother talk at work by taking
  a dump in the office lift. It will instantly
  become the only topic of the day.

next issue »
« previous issue