NEWSLETTER: "THE WORLD'S PREMIERE COLONEL GADAFFI FANZINE"
This Week:
* POSSIBLY - "Margaret Thatcher has eaten my sperm"
* KLF - Google map
* CUTE - Otters and kittens
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're sniffing
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the Pritt Stick
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 494 - 2 Sept 2011
Sell this issue to your mum for 50p:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue494/
Friends: [email protected]
Nobbers: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Interesting Liqueurs
We've recently realised we can buy interesting
boozes on Amazon and get them delivered to the
house. Our favourite is probably the coffee
flavoured Kahlua as you can use to make Black
Russians (add vodka), White Russians (add vodka
& cream) or even a Black Irish (add whiskey).
Basically you can be an utter alcoho-tramp but
pretend it's some kind of exploration of taste
sensations. Wonderful stuff. *Hick*
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0043AACZ...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Clive, KLF, Signs, Catslugs and Acid
>> KLF Google Map <<
"I made a KLF Google map," boasts Drew Badly. "I
say 'made', I compiled it. I got snowed in and
the locations just kept on getting added." An
obscure and peculiar guide to the movements of
the cult 90s group. Right up our street. A-ha,
a-ha.
http://g.co/maps/5yzf
>> When Clive Was Alive <<
"When Clive Was Alive is a lovely little song I
done," intimates Joel Veitch. "S'animated by Lee
Hardcastle innit." Grisly cuteness.
http://b3ta.com/links/When_Clive_Was_Alive
>> Signs 2 <<
Road signs come to life, in this charming little
film from Black Moon. "It took much longer than
I expected it to," he says. "But when you've
started..."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Signs_2
>> Catslugs Episode 1 <<
"Here's an episode from a weekly series I'm
making, called Catslugs," explains
grape-productions. "I've found people like
watching cute things in pain." Either he's found
the formula for web viral gold, or this is how
people start out as serial killers.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Catslugs_E01_Seed
>> Acid Relief <<
"This is a compilation of acid house, techno,
rave, and electro I've helped put together to
raise money for the DEC's East Africa Famine
Relief work," writes Mildred. "Some great new
tracks from artists such as LFO, Luke Vibert,
Ben Sims and Slipmatt. It's completely free to
download, you can choose to pay what you want or
donate directly via just giving." Enjoy some 303
techno and it's all for charidee...
http://balkanvinyl.bandcamp.com/album/acid-relief
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Overheard Secrets
Like a geeky Echelon triggering on "pregnant"
and "not the father" rather than "bomb", it
seems you've heard it all:
http://b3ta.com/questions/overheard/
* DINNER AND A SHOW - "Sitting in a pub having a
quiet schnitzel and chips with the missus when a
couple walked in and took a table around the
corner from us. The shape of the restaurant area
meant they clearly didn't think anyone was near
them and we'd not said anything as we were
eating. "Look before we order, I want to tell
you something," she said. "I was pregnant, but
I'm not anymore. As of this last week." And so
it began. Girl had been pregnant, guy outraged
he'd not been told. Girl counters with they'd
been broken up for the past month and she didn't
know if they were ever getting back together,
Guy consoles with how horrible for you to go
through that alone. Girl reveals abortion, Guy
returns to outraged. Girl reveals Guy not the
father, Guy advances to apoplectic, Girl only
slept with someone else because she'd found out
about Guy and Girl's best friend. Guy ashamed.
Girl admits Girl only with Guy now to hurt him,
Guy only with Girl now to win her back. Girl
didn't love Guy at all, Guy only loved Girl.
Girl cried and said Girl really loved him too,
Guy said, "Ha!" I lied. I don't really love
you." Girl uses bad word, Guy dashes down
cutlery... and a woman walked up to say, "Hi
there, just wondering if you'd like to take part
in the trivia contest later? Here's a pen and...
oh, have I come at a bad time?" Trivia lady
left, Guy stormed off and Girl, with a defiant
snort, got up to leave as well... and saw us
sitting there, slack-jawed, with a fork still
halfway to our mouths from when they'd started
five minutes before." (difficultchild)
* CLOSETTY - "I was drinking in a fairly nice
pub in Manchester. Getting a round in, I ended
up stood at the bar next to two horrible-looking
blokes - you know the type: would probably list
their job as "security consultant", steroid
pumped muscles, too much jewellery, all that...
Successful drug-dealers, basically. I was trying
to shuffle away from them a little, lest I be
accused of looking at their pint, when: #1 "I
think Dave might be gay" #2 "Dave who? Our Dave?
No way?" "Yeah, our Dave. I really think he is."
"What the fuck makes you say that?" "Well, we
were out on the lash the other night and we
pulled some student bird. We took her back to my
place and we were splitting her, like. I was
giving her a good piping when Dave suddenly
stuck his cock up my arse!" "Fucking hell!"
"Yeah..." "What did you do then?" "Well, I kinda
liked it..." (ScousersPet)
* VISTA - "A tiny, shrivelled, possibly mad, old
woman being pushed in a wheelchair by her carer
towards the beach some 200 yards from her
seafront nursing home, declared as they passed
where I was sitting minding my own business, "Oh
not the fucking sea again..." The majestic
wildebeest presumably being busy elsewhere."
(LisawithoutaC)
>> This Week's Question: Hell <<
Tell us about the times you've been to a place
of worship, and, naturally, how you are now
consigned to the everlasting fires of Hell:
http://b3ta.com/questions/church/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Please please let this be true <<
Interview with Chuck Palahniuk. Check out the
anecdote under the heading 'Galvanising a
Generation'. Clue - search for "Margaret
Thatcher has eaten my sperm."
http://www.shortlist.com/entertainment/films/chuck...
>> Spot the IT Guy <<
Clue, he's the guy with the sexy face that all
the girls love.
http://bit.ly/qJCv1V
>> The War of The Worlds Musical as a Book<
If your day is flagging a bit then you haven't
stuck on Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War
of The Worlds yet. Do it. And to get you in the
mood - read this:
http://t.co/2pirwvv
>> We *heart* Blade runner <<
A Tumblr dedicated to stuff about Blade Runner,
before Ridley Scott ruins it again.
http://1187hunterwasser.tumblr.com
>> Playing twitter at it's own game <<
An archive of Scots comedian @DaftLimmy trying to
lose 1000 followers in 24 hours.
http://t.co/I9DBOJk
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Otters and kittens
Popbitch will have a anal orgasm when it sees
this:
http://t.co/F1w1cae
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a Casio video watch but on your PC
>> "Don't jump, Edward" <<
Unexpected resolution to toddler drama.
http://t.co/39k3vJR
>> Sexy hiking dance <<
Rambling man can't believe this feast for the
eyes, during a walk in the hills. What on earth
is going on? Less sexist than we assumed at
first.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/if_you_go_down_to_the_wo...
>> Half-ass Jackass <<
Posse of edgy New Zealanders set out to prove
that their TV is every bit as exciting as the US
version. Brilliant - more enjoyable than the
original.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Zealands_version_of_...
>> Like a BUS! <<
The driver of route 62 just does not give a fuck.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Like_a_BUS
>> Cat takes out impostor <<
Bert the cat freaks out! This is why Invasion of
the Bodysnatchers didn't have them impersonate
cats. One of the reasons.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bert_The_Cat_Takes_Out_T...
>> 'Sextape' by Smearballs <<
Incredible editing skills used to inventively
eliminate even the faintest whiff of sense from
US daytime TV. With Whoopi Goldberg. Amazing
stuff.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Whoopi_Goldberg_in_Sexta...
>> Chatbot vs. Chatbot <<
Two AIs left to their own conversation,
resulting in surrealist lols.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Two-thirds watertight this week
* 15 PRODUCTS MADE UNINTENTIONALLY OFFENSIVE BY
CARELESS STICKER PLACEMENTS - we're guessing the
word 'unintentionally' is misused. (via
@rmt_1982)
http://bit.ly/oRqfJW
* OUR NEW FAVOURITE TENNIS PLAYER - Jack Sock.
(via Rollerjooster)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Sock
* FISH AND LIES - we're unsure about the
accuracy of this slogan - spotted in a fish and
chip shop we visited in Hastings.
http://yfrog.com/h0meycvj
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Disney Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show us the dark side
of Disney.
Your favourites included:
* SMUG - internal B3ta meme pitches for Pixar
(Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10519339
* PASTA - the lady is much more of a tramp than
anyone thought (maiden)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10521284
* HAIR - golden pubis thatch extension splendour
(taters)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10517696
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/notdisney/
>> New challenge: Sexy Everyday Objects <<
Take a photo of everyday objects you've caught
in compromising positions. Animating is
optional, we just want to see the filthy buggers
at it. Challenge suggested by HappyToast.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/everydaysexy/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WIKIBITUARIES - last week we asked for a bank
of crowdsourced obituaries, hopefully to get
Z-listers to quit wasting their lives. Dave
Gardiner has worked hard to oblige our whims.
There's a few already in there, but please roll
up your sleeves and get stuck in, if you have
the celeb-venom to spare.
http://www.wikibituraries.com/index.php
* REMOVING VOCALS - Mystery Bob writes, "In
response to Kael's request in the newsletter,
there is a way to sort-of remove vocals from
things. I wrote about it here."
http://robbielesiuk.com/
BTW: matthewpettyuk also asks, "Could someone
also do the same for Radiohead? Yorke's voice
does my bleeding head in."
* SAGE ADVICE - Freakmandu writes, "Your recent
top tip (ants and talc) is fine, but if the ants
are coming into the kitchen I always use a sprig
of sage. Ants hate the smell of it, and it
smells much more appropriate for a kitchen than
talc." We tell you what ants also hate: fire. A
burning kitchen has no ants.
* COMMERCIAL WORK FOR CYRIAK - He writes,
"Here's another video I did for Trident.This one
features a giant polar bear wearing red speedos,
of course." We demand that ad people let Cyriak
use his own music. DEMAND!
http://youtu.be/Vnm2fiLjN10
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: FRIDAY GAME
300 Lines
A collaborative drawing app that shows the last
300 lines draw. @user24 writes, "I'm telling
you, once there are a few users on it, it goes
totally mental."
http://300lin.es
ALSO INTERESTING - but not something you can
play in your browser is the stabyourself guys
who are taking classic games and remixing them -
Tetris with real world physics and Mario with
Portal style shenanigans.
http://stabyourself.net/nottetris2/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include *looks
round kitchen for random inspiration*
* MEATY SUBSTITUTES FOR VEGETABLES - why should
vegetarians have all the fun with Quorn? We want
carrots made of beef.
* CHEESE LIQUEUR - surely some genius can
combine fromage and alcohol into something that
makes you simultaneously fat and drunk?
* ACORN PANCAKES - apparently if you blanch
acorns in boiling water you can remove the
bitterness, then grind them down and make flour.
We can't be arsed to do this but we think of it
every time we see oak trees. Now you will too.
You bunch of squirrels.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @bounder, The
Archduke of South London, planearm, dirtyscarab,
irongibbon, editorialgirl, WiL, Newshack,
johnsto, @DTL, TownsendsPublisher, @deltorro01,
@edwardrussia, @DFLamont, @cookdandbombd. Top
Tippery by robneymcplum. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Stallion_Explosion.
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TOP TIP:
Sushi tastes much better cooked. Possibly with
chips, also cooked.
