NEWSLETTER: "B3TA - NOT ASKED TO RUN 'CHILDREN IN NEED' SITE FOR 10 YEARS RUNNING"
This Week:
* SONG - Santa's laughter mocks the poor
* QUIZ - Monkeon's Movie/Book quiz
* LOOPS - How to loop YouTube videos
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Sticking tin foil
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | hats on kittens
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| since 1978"
B3ta email 505 - 18 Nov 2011
Edit this newsletter with wordpad.exe
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue505/
Kittens: [email protected]
Shittens: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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Fed up with waking up in the morning feeling
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then speak at us with your
email fingers.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than makin' whoopie
>> Santa's laughter mocks the poor <<
Christmas comes but once a year (although the
evil gnomes at Toys'r'us are currently
lobbying government for an additional summer
Christmas - Sunmas), and as we're pointing out
- it's about cash. Sucking your money to buy
tat built in China for the kids. This year
we're giving the children a PDF copy of Das
Kapital that they can print out themselves. In
the original German. Similar anti-Christmas
sentiments also available from theatterysquash
who writes, "With this week's news of
recession, unemployment and fiscal misery,
what better way to acknowledge the fact that
*everybody* is now dreading Xmas than
with a puppety pop song...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Monkeon's Book quiz <<
Clever Monkeon has observed that books often
get new covers when they're changed into films
- but can you guess what book is what film
from the original cover art? More films that
you probably imagine started as books.
Including Spunky Nurses 5.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/bookmovies/
>> What Modern Toss did next... <<
"Hi B3ta", writes Jon Link of Modern Toss
fame, "Hope you're well, here's a link to some
new animation we've just done, 'Business
Mouse' Any chance you could put it up on
b3ta?" Oh go on then, seeing as it's some kind
of mouse based satire on neoliberalist hegemony.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Minecraft Rap <<
"I made a rap song about Minecraft", writes
Dan Bull, "Can you spot the B3ta easter egg?
It's quite obvious..." Amusing song, but we've
never got round to playing Minecraft as it's
not available for iOS. *Googles* oh, it is,
that's us fucked for ever working or speaking
to our family or friends ever again.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_made_a_rap_song_about_...
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: SPONSORED LINK
Bored of Turkey? 60 Gourmet Recipes,
no Turkeys, promise
Ah Xmas Food. Heston's making pine needle
mince pies. Fortunately Jamie's split up with
Sainsbury's, so no more feeding shopping
centres in Middle England. Instead feast your
eyes, your brain & above all your belly on
Great British Chefs new Feastive App. It's
only two quid & we'll even chuck in an extra
45 recipes on 1st Dec. Call it an early Crimbo
pressie.
http://togbc.com/mRUMLk
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Money saving tips
As the economy has never been better and we're
all shitting cash on easy street we're asking
for your tips on how to save your money for a
rainy day. You never know, this boom might not
last.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/savingmoney/
* SAVE THE COST OF THE DAILY MAIL - by finding
the angriest tramp you can and asking them
what they think of the darkies. (apeloverage)
* SAVE MONEY ON EXPENSIVE BATTERIES - only put
them in clocks when you need to know the time.
(ya_what?)
* WHEN FEEDING DUCKS IN THE PARK - soak your
bread in Rohypnol. That way you get a free
dinner, and you can do what you like to it
before you pluck it. (edjogs)
>> This Week: Amazing Projects <<
We here at B3ta love it when a plan comes
together. Tell us about incredible projects
and stuff you've built by your own hand. Go
on, gloat away.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/amazingprojects/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* WRITE 100 WORDS AND GET A KITTEN - oddly
thoughtful bit of dare we say it web art. What
are you going to type for 100 words? Your
deepest feelings? Or just asddffg x 100?
http://writtenkitten.net/
* GOOGLE DOODLE TROLLING - you know how Google
changes their logo every-so-often to pretend
they're not evil? Why not send in your own?
http://milkfordeadhamsters.com/blog/google-doodle
* WEIRD NSFW ART - collection of animated gifs
and web efemera that's a bit like a collective
experience of the internet. All OMG LOOK AT
THIS and no narrative or context.
http://blackbootybitches.tumblr.com/
* BEST FREEDOM OF INFORMATION REQUEST EVER -
detailing a sign put up in a university
complaining about the students wanking.
http://bit.ly/vj2O3a
* NOW AND THEN PHOTOS - the meme of recreating
old photos continues with the work of Irina
Werning. Warning. Contains the odd bit of
nudity.
http://irinawerning.com/bttf2/back-to-the-future-2...
* WOULD YOU SURVIVE A NUKE - type in your
postcode and hum Two Tribes by Frankie goes to
Hollywood for more 80s cold war paranoia. We'd
be dead before Holly had even moistened his
lips to sing.
http://www.wouldisurviveanuke.com
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
My cat is a dick
Possibly might be a bit more eww than aahh
especially the photo of cat vomit on the
keyboard.
http://www.mycatisadick.com
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like real life but with a 'tweet this' button
* LOOPING YOUTUBES - if you go back into the
history of B3ta you'll know we liked looping
things. Badgers, the B-B-B-Birmingham song
etc. There's awesomeness in loops that just
gets lost when you watch a video. Anyway,
here's a neat tool to bring that back. Take it
away Kate Bush, spin forever.
http://goo.gl/9aDSd
* MORE BOLLYWOOD MADNESS - CLDBellot writes,
"I see your 'Most OTT Bollywood stunt ever'
and I raise you this......the greatest action
sequence in the history of film!" This is
extraordinary. We don't have the words.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* TIME LAPSE VIEW FROM SPACE - if you ever
want to truly understand we are one world and
all the nationalism is just divide and conquer
bollocks then look at our planet from space.
http://vimeo.com/32001208
* ESCAPE THE MAP - some advertising tosh for a
car but done with a really nice trapped in
google maps plot that's genuinely sinister and
should be a film.
http://www.escapethemap.com/
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Increasing inaccurately named but sod it
* WOW! AMAZING NETBOOK BARGAIN ON AMAZON! -
Buy one before they change the price. UPDATE!
They've removed the price - it was about
£1000, but still worth a quick look for the
amusing reviews:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005N6ZFS...
* NOBWATCH - cataloguing all the stupid
pictures of things that look a bit like a
penis so that we don't have to. BTW:
NobwatchUK? We learnt a new word the other day
"glocal" meaning basically everyone globally
got the same shit locally, customised slightly
for their region. Woo hoo.
http://nobwatchuk.blogspot.com
* OOH A PLACE WITH A HAHAHA HILARIOUS NAME -
call a doctor our sides are splitting. Not
because of laughter, but we've stuck a blade
into our abdomen.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knob_Lick,_Missouri
* AWESOME HEADLINE IS AWESOME - best ever rude
headline until the next best ever turns up. Or
we run this one again by accident.
http://i.imgur.com/MNbN6.jpg
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: WRONG SOAP
When kitchen hacks go bad
Last week we pondered about sticking the
sticking Fairy in the washing machine and
teabags in kettles etc. You engaged with this
thusly:
* SMELLY - jameskhedley writes, "I put Fairy
in the dishwasher a while ago, just to see
what would happen. Lots of bubbles, relatively
clean but a *horrible* smell. Oh, do not wash
your hair with Daz, you will get Dermatitis."
* KETTLE EGGS - Dog writes, "Peruvian
ex-housemate of mine boiled eggs in the
kettle, seemed to work ok for a while but then
kettle blew up."
* EMAIL FROM JAILBIRD, wotbuddha writes, "TOP
TIP: Don't put a teabag in the kettle. I
played a prank on a cellmate, hoping we'd both
chortle as when he poured his water out for a
cuppa, it'd already be brewed! Oh how we'd
laugh. Instead, cue foamy boily water going
all over his chilli con carne, him blowing his
top, shouting "you fucking cunt" and the
screws getting involved, saying if he doesn't
calm down he'll go to seg(regation).
Basically, he was a bit of a cunt, and they
thought it was pretty fucking funny."
We rather like the thought of B3ta being read
in prison. Maybe it gets swapped for snout?
Two old newsletters for an ounce of baccy? Or
you could print it out, fold it into a weapon
and stab someone?
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Colour in Lizard Challenge'
Last week we wanted you to colour in a lizard.
Our favourites included:
* PLAY 'EM OFF BONGO LIZARD - if there were
any justice in this world this would be a meme
that was everywhere. (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10601620
* THE ROYAL FAMILY ARE BLOOD DRINKING LIZARDS
- well some of them anyway. (DavidIcke, no
sorry, Arctisticus )
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10600487
* TITANIC - "Jack, I want you to colour me in
like one of your French girls...." (Fresh
Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10598773
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/colourthelizard/
>> New challenge: Misplaced Props <<
This week's challenge is very straightforward:
take a prop from one film, and insert it
hilariously/inappropriately/cleverly into
another. Challenge suggested by Drunken Miss
Hopeless.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/props/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TAN ARTWORK ON THE TUBE - ages ago we ran
an image challenge partly in conjunction with
ArtBelow (not sponsored, they just suggested
we did it and the B3tans voted for it).
Drbroon writes, "I thought you might like to
know that I got a much-loved/despised b3ta
meme hung on a wall in St. John's Wood next to
the smug leatherette face of Ken Livingstone.
If that doesn't earn me constant plugs in the
newsletter, then I don't know what does."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10603291
* MORE CONGRATULATIONS - to B3ta's own Lee
Hardcastle. Winner of the ABCs of Death. Well
done, Lee. Well deserved.
http://26th.theabcsofdeath.com/t-is-for-toilet/
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: FRIDAY GAME
More tube stalking stuff
Beaverwastemanagement writes, "When you get
on a bus or train or plane you must try as
best you can to avert your eyes from the
passengers as you board (look at the floor for
instance) and get to the furthest back seat
you can. From that viewpoint using only the
clues you can see from behind decide which of
the other travellers you definitely would,
might and definitely would not, not never, not
even with his.
"As you get off the bus you score your
decisions: you get a 2 for Thank fuck I called
that one dead right and a 1 for oh OK if I had
to and you get - 2 points for bejezuz she's
sooo much older than that blonde hair suggests
and a crippling -3 for getting the sex wrong
or anything actually illegal. Just reverse the
sexes for all possible gender preferences or
go the whole hog and rate the entire bus if
you are a greedy bi-sexual. Keep your best
score and try to break it with each new trip.
Alternatively just read Metro. The letters
page is OK I suppose."
BTW: We've just tried playing this game in our
kitchen and have scored -1 for accidentally
contemplating fucking the fridge.
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: SHIT JOKE WE'VE JUST MADE UP
To be told in 1970s working mans club
"My wife says I'm like Marmite. Nah, not
because people either love me or hate me, but
because I smell and come in jars."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Next week we'd like to see strategies to
prevent burglary. Our ideas include:
* CASE-MOD YOUR PC - with 90s style beige
tower complete with "Windows 95 ready" sticker.
* DO THE SAME FOR YOUR PHONE - a nice Nokia
cover for your lovely £400 smart phone should
do the trick.
* UNSURE WHAT DO DO ABOUT LAPTOPS - maybe make
them look like a Breville sandwich toaster.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by using 4 to 6 fingers
of our typing fingers (including thumbs) on a
laptop with lots of snot on the screen. Stuff
sent in by @thesaharadesert, Paper 'n Pencil,
@eatingsoho, milkybarnick, sinisterduck,
@vulga, JamTallons, @orangewarrior, Kim
Plowright, @foxhill_matt, @rhyswynne,
sinisterduck, @davidnield. Top Tippery by
wehttamman. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Prevent your partner from snoring by holding a
pillow over their face.
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THIS NEWSLETTER WAS PRODUCED LISTENING TO...
Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here
EMI have been doing a reissue of the Floyd's
back catalogue with numourous extra track
stuff. We were rather excited to hear the
fabled 'household objects' project, their
abandoned attempt to produce music from only
wineglasses and rubberbands. Sadly the extract
here isn't up to much, being simply the
intro from Shine On You Crazy Diamond. However
there's a fab previously unheard take on Wish
You Were Here featuring a violin that sounds
positively folky. Imagine Pink Floyd joining up
with Dexy's Midnight Runners. Oh you don't
have to, you could just buy the CD. (Or
torrent it, but buying it earns us about 5p or
something. Fuck it - just give us your spare
coins if you see us outside a tube station.)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004ZNAKL...
