NEWSLETTER: "FACEBOOK: YOUR 0898 PARTY LINE RUN BY THE STASI"
"Facebook: your 0898 party line run by the Stasi"
This Week:
* COOKING - With sexy bananas
* PICS - Animals dressed as other animals
* PORNO - The Musical
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're eating austerity
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | pizza... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 507 - 2 Dec 2011
Read this issue on your pointless electronic tat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue507/
Friends: [email protected]
Bastards: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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http://www.icontrolpad.com/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making lurve...
>> Depressed McLeod Brothers <<
Those chaps who do the lolly stick animations
are back but with some lovely hand-drawn stuff,
fast editing and depressed musings.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fear_of_Flying_Existenti...
>> Scrambled Edd: News <<
Scrambled Edd writes, "A short video I made
with a little vbloggy thing about why the next animation
will be delayed and such... enjoy." Blimey. We
weren't expecting this, good luck Edd.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fan_Service
>> Misery Bear: The Teddynator <<
"Stunts, special effects, a car chase, a
robot, it's our biggest Misery Bear episode
yet!", writes ratbanjos, "Budget of 250 quid
and it's ALL on the screen." Gosh - ambitious
work, although the BBC laughing dog sting
makes us want to bite our hands off.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Misery_Bear_The_Teddynat...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Devastating Put Downs
Last week we asked for your finest put-downs.
The ones you'd actually managed to use at the
time rather than fancy moments of l'esprit
d'escalier, that is:
http://b3ta.com/questions/putdowns/
* BLESSED - "My mate Bob was stood outside a
London hostelry one evening when who should
walk by on the other side of the street but the
legend that is Brian Blessed? Bob, being a bit
of a lad, shouts "Gordon's Alive!!" at the top of
his voice, just as Brian disappears around the
corner - to the amusement of his drinking
buddies. As the laughter died down, Brian
re-appeared back around the corner and at the
top of HIS voice, shouted:
"CCCCCCUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTT!!!!" (Linbox)
* NARNIA - "I'm helping a female friend move
house, and we'd struggled for some time to get
a large wooden cupboard into the back of the
van. Finally we'd managed it, and paused for a
moment, standing in the van next to the
cupboard, to get our breath back. Now I have
long hair and a beard; at the time the hair
was blond and it was not tied up in any way.
This is relevant, because at that moment a guy
walks around the corner, clocks us, and with
divine inspiration blurts out, "Fuck me, it's
the lion, the witch and the wardrobe!" (moon
monkey )
* FLOAT ON - "Out at a posh "do" at a
restaurant, this woman wouldn't stop talking
about herself: "me me me... Fabulous frock I
am wearing... Designer frock, blah blah blah".
My friend was getting agitated and interrupted
her with. "I think you would look divine in
something long and flowing." "Ooh you think
so?" she replied. "Yeah. The Thames." Some of
us were in mid sip and spat out our wine from
trying to stifle our laughs. She had nowhere
to go. She couldn't move seats and for the
rest of the dinner she glowered while we tried
to behave as if nothing had happened, all the
while stifling our urge to keep bursting out
laughing." (Flowerpot)
>> This Week's Question: Conspiracy theories <<
We'd like you your favourite conspiracy theories.
The ones so good you almost believe them. Put on
your best tinfoil hat and talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/conspiracytheories/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Scary how good photoshopping gets <<
Click the toggle buttons, go WOW and see for
yourself how unreal the images used in
magazines and advertising are. If only you
could say bye-bye to lard/wrinkles/spots this
easily.
http://www.cs.dartmouth.edu/farid/downloads/public...
>> Disgusting banana recipe book <<
Forget your Nigella, Jamie and Delia dull TV
spin-offs, this real recipe book from the 70s
offers such treats as banana sausages and
banana & fish salad. And a strange phallic
creation involving a banana, some mayo and a
maraschino cherry. Nom, nom, double nom.
http://ow.ly/7JZp4
>> Texts From Bennett <<
Prolly fake texts, allegedly by a white
teenage boy from the 'burbs, called Bennett. We
especially liked "do U know what i gotta do to
join the illuminati". Respect.
http://bit.ly/tnKURE
>> Pretend you're coding <<
Go beyond the Matrix and enter the mind of the
machine with this fake code site. All you need
is a long, leather coat, an old Nokia phone
and you'll be almost as cool as Neo.
http://bit.ly/uSfdna
>> Googly Eyes <<
How to give inanimate objects a comic yet
faintly disturbing appearance. We think they'd
look good on Nick Clegg.
http://bit.ly/uRgwd5
>> Revolutionary Art <<
Today's 'How to Draw' tutorial is the
wonderful Mr Jeremy Clarkson. We may sneer at
his shit clothes and bouffant barnet but this
leathery, old climate change denier surely has
the last laugh. How many of us can get the PM
to go on telly and say sorry for us every time
we make a cock-up?
https://twitpic.com/7lkmzr
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Inter-Species Cross-Dressing
If you wanted an explanation for the decline
of the US economy look no further - these days
the Yanks leave all the hard work to the
Chinese, preferring to spend their time
dressing pets in silly costumes.
http://animalsdressedasotheranimals.tumblr.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like the cinema but without £10 popcorn
>> Unexpected porno is unexpected <<
Stick with it... Stick with it... NSFW,
totally sexist and the bloke is camp as old
knickers.
http://www.m0ar.org/6346
>> Old-school circus Well of Death in India <<
Genuinely impressive driving here - let's put
Clarky, May & Hammond on this and watch them
crash to their deaths.
http://youtu.be/E_AqvWKjufM
>> 100 worst Nazis <<
We enjoyed the strangely hypnotic video of old
pics of Nazis - all with incredible
polysyllabic names - cut to 80s game show
music. We're pitching this to Channel 4; with
Jimmy Carr as presenter they just won't be
able to say no.
http://youtu.be/DDk1zGnEwgE
>> How to lose $2400 in 24 seconds <<
What a silly billy!
http://vimeo.com/32936783
>> Alternative Halfords Christmas advert <<
Bored of saccharine Christmas advertising
peddling fake bonhomie in an attempt to push
you further into debt? Then you'll enjoy this.
http://goo.gl/FHbs6
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Two cocks for the price of one minge
* WAITROSE PENIS - Oh my golly gosh, there's a
bell-end in the lah-di-dah Waitrose mag.
https://twitter.com/AldGra/status/1422365390307328...
* SPOTIFY SPAM - We liked this playlist that
encourages you to send your money to a
mysterious Nigerian gentleman. Clever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Well_played_spotify
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Spoons Challenge
Last week we wanted you to fuck with spoons.
Literally. But you refused and made some
photoshops instead.
Your favourites included:
* BOOM - spoon flick creates mighty explosion
(patella)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10615646
* TREK - to boldly go where no cutlery has
been before (Captian Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10613745
* ALIEN - more space action, this time of the
terrifying type (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10612941
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spoons/
>> New challenge: Acronyms <<
This week's challenge is to wilfully
misinterpret acronyms: make your mark on the
English language by making up new meanings for
old ones, or come up with new, fiendishly
clever examples. The world will thank you.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/new-acronyms/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories
* ALBUMHOLE 2 - DaveExclamationMark writes,
"The biggest bumhole yet! After a far, far too
of a long wait. I finally present to you lot
Albumhole 2: The Widening. A collection of
over over 40 b3tans (And a few non-b3tans)
tracks compiled by me for absolutely free!
Everything from ambient folk to speedcore
Drum & bass!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/710620
* 'WAR ON TERROR BOARD GAME' PEOPLE WRITE, "We
were meant to be in the Observer gift guide
this weekend, but they unceremoniously ditched
us, so now we have to do our own damn
advertising and I spent Sunday putting this
bastard up."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/712153
* SCAT FOLLOW-UPS - mbourton writes, "Nope,
it's not just the Spaniards that have a poop
fixation. Skat is the Danish tax service. Skat
is also used to refer to one's 'honey' or loved
one. You often hear Danes talk about how much
they miss their skat."
http://www.skat.dk
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* INTERESTING BREAD - Is it possible to make
dough with flour and a yeast infection? We're
asking because those 7g packets of dried yeast
aren't cheap.
* SPIDER FILTER! - Swapping the word 'markets'
with 'spiders' is good. "George Osborne moves to
reassure spiders" "Dollar up as spiders react
to election result‎".
* UNPHOTOSHOP FILTER - a magic pair of glasses
that let you walk around and see all
advertising and media before it was cleaned up
by photoshopping.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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: THANKS:
This issue was written by The Lizard with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
sinisterduck, @qwghlm, @Duncansimple,
@keasbycat, RBF esquire, @DFLamont,
@whiteleyjon, @dmcplum, @TomDavenport,
mr.dogshit, @AldGra, @maffrj.
Top Tippery by 2 can chunder.
Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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: TOP TIP:
Women who want penises: Attach your vagina to
a high-power vacuum cleaner overnight. By the
morning it should have inverted and grown to
the size of a normal penis.
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: MEDIA WE'VE BEEN ENJOYING THIS WEEK:
Spent the last few weeks googling 1970s western
terrorism groups such as The Angry Brigade
(ooh, one of them is a local councillor),
Symbionese Liberation Army (kidnapped the
daughter of a media baron and demanded a
ransom of food for the poor) and, of course, the
Baader-Meinhof Group (inspired a rather odd
album by Luke Heines).
Of course, as this is a visual culture you'll
want to watch the film - the wonderful 2008
movie, The Baader Meinhof Complex. Go on, you
want to watch films in German. You loved Das
Boot and Downfall, didn't you? Interestingly
enough it was directed by Uli Edel who also
did the early 80s heroin flick Christiane F,
which possibly inspired Kate Moss's look:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001LM6WZ...
