NEWSLETTER: "SPOILER ALERT: YOU AND EVERYONE YOU EVER LOVED WILL DIE"
This Week:
* MICROSOFT WORD - Clip art album covers
* CHALLENGE - Christmas with James Bond
* QUESTION - Your weird OCD rituals
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the cats'
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | faces to convert them
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| into monkeys... together"
B3ta email 509 - 16 Dec 2011
Read this issue backwards and invoke our Dark Lord:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue509/
Cake: [email protected]
Poisoned cake: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Clip-art, Hedgehogs, Parties and OsPORN
>> Clip-art album covers <<
"Regarding Comic Sans bands (suggested in last
week's newsletter): I got bored and did some
classic covers," reveals CornishCalzone. The
Velvet Underground cover actually looks good.
Probably the way they'd do it, if starting up
today.
http://clipartcovers.tumblr.com/
>> Singing Christmas Hedgehogs! <<
Adorable carolling hedgehogs are waiting to take
your Christmas requests. "Pick a singer," urges
hog-wrangler Bewley.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Singing_Christmas_Hedgeh...
>> Office Party Rescue <<
"However badly you disgrace yourself at the
office party - this guy will top it," explains
the enigmatic steinerdrome. Timely advice.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Office_Party_Rescue:3
>> George osPORN <<
"I know people accuse George Osborne of fucking
the country but I didn't realise they meant
literally..." wails B3tan Housewife. Very NSFW,
despite being edited together entirely out of
parliamentary footage. Ed Balls's face is a
picture.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/George_osPORN
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Your Biggest Sexual Regrets
If you ever wondered if you were having a
worse time sexually than everyone else, wonder
no more. You're totally sorted, mate:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sexyregrets/
* THE REPORT - "I left boarding school like
most Catholic males did in the 70s:
psychologically fucked up, no knowledge of the
opposite sex, bar nuns and porn (not together
either) and with alternating uncontrollable
lust and crushing, unmerited guilt. Oh, and no
social skills except persistence. Off to Uni I
go, where I find that the skills picked up at
the 6th year mixed discos we'd been allowed (5
minute dance, lights off, frenzied mutual
wank, nip out for fag while she wept quietly)
didn't stand me in good stead. And then I met
Mary, who was a biology PhD student, and
therefore a) older and b) used to gutting
small furry animals. Bought her a drink, got
face slapped, bought her another, got wry
smile refusal, bought her another, got "You
really don't give up, do you?". "Er, no"
"Right, Friday afternoon, Block x Room yyy.
Wash, shave, clean teeth. Bring change of
clothes and enough money for a decent
restaurant. Tell no one." On arrival, novel
filth (to me) ensued. I was instructed on the
location and proper use of the various
ladybits, and how to make absolutely sure
their owner had more fun than I ever would.
Then there was Introductory Prostate Handling,
a shower, Gentlemanly Weight Distribution 101,
a cigarette, tooth brushing, Keeping the Ears
Warm, and finally For God's Sake, Can't You
Manage Another One? The meal took most of my
grant for the next month. We returned for more
filth. She chucked me out at 2 am to face an 8
mile walk back to the 1st year residences.
After a week with no contact, I wandered into
Bio and asked her dept head if I could talk to
her. He gave me a long searching look, not
without a smile, and handed me an envelope.
Inside was a dissection protocol form, but
instead of a description of eviscerated
hamsters, there was a report headed
"Investigation of Immature Male Hominid" with
a mark out of 10 for every perversion we'd
perpetrated. None of them was over 6. What do
I regret? Not the sex, not the meal, not the
humiliation. I regret missing the Dungeons and
Dragons meet that Friday, where my 43rd level
cleric got lent out by the DM and killed by a
spod from Social Sciences. Told you I was
fucked up." (all my scars face forward)
* THE LIST - "I was about 26 years old, when
during a friendly discussion at the local the
conversation moved on to heaven. Everyone
piped up with theories until one friend said,
"I was at this comedy show one time when the
guy doing stand-up made a quip about heaven.
He said that all of the religions had got it
wrong, and when you die, what actually happens
is a guy shows up with a clipboard and simply
passes it to you." "And...?" "And on that
clipboard is a list, with the names of every
woman in your life that would have had sex
with you had you merely asked". He went on to
tell us that all of the women at the show
burst out laughing, whilst he sat shocked,
gazing around and seeing similar expressions
on the faces of every bloke in there. The same
expressions on all of ours around that pub
table all those years ago. I've never looked
at life the same way since. My greatest sexual
regret is that I didn't know about 'The List'
sooner." (Regger)
* THE PASS - "She was a friend's younger
sister. Just 18, about to go to Uni, a pocket
sized blonde with big blue eyes, saucy smile &
not a straight line on her. I'd appreciated
her in a purely theoretical way to date. But
now she had a teenage crush on me. Me? 12
years older, and in a serious relationship,
with my soon-to-be fiancee. So when this
lively little blonde made her tentative
approaches, I gently put her off. Pleased with
my maturity and fortitude, I told my
girlfriend of how I had manfully resisted the
temptation. "Oh, she's really cute" she said.
"I'd have given you a weekend pass for her."
Bugger, fuck and bollocks." (North Utsira
South Utsira)
>> This Week's Question - Weird Rituals <<
David Cameron holds in his piss in order to
concentrate. What weird borderline OCD shit do
you do and why? Talk to us here whilst
jiggling your right foot:
http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdrituals/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* DA FEDZ WATCHING YOUR TORRENTS - it's easy
to imagine you can download any old crap off
the internet and no one knows. This site
stores IP address and checks them against
torrents and makes a stab at listing what
you've been downloading. Might frighten you by
being right, or come up with the same kind of
false positive that the whole
three-strikes-and-your-out bullshit will
produce.
http://www.youhavedownloaded.com/
* LONDON HISTORY BLOG WITH FABULOUS PHOTOS. We
need to explore this more as it's packed full of quirky bits of ephemera from the recent past.
http://www.nickelinthemachine.com
* TWITTER BY POST - an extraordinary attempt
to connect with friends via postcards in the
style of Twitter. Reminds us that our friends
used to be more than people who could RT us to
bolster up our ego.
http://t.co/0d6vqmiI
* WHERE THE FUCK SHOULD I GO FOR A DRINK -
neat idea although we disagreed with
suggestions for our local area. Suggesting a
shit pub full of gastro food frequented by
twats.
http://wherethefuckshouldigofordrinks.com/
* THE SECRET HISTORY OF BAND AID - amusing
post speculating about the line ups for Band
Aid 3, 4 etc.
http://freakytrigger.co.uk/ft/2004/11/the-secret-h...
* DEVASTATING EXPLOSIONS - Yes it's spammy
internet marketing for Old Spice. But fuck it,
BOOM!
http://www.devastatingexplosions.com/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
The 30 Most Important Cats of 2011
2011 has been a shit year for cats in B3ta
Towers; the official cat Rocky died of old age
and we got some kittens. Turns out we're
horribly allergic and we had to give them to a
friend. So let's celebrate virtual cats - ones
that don't make you sneeze or die and make the
kids cry:
http://goo.gl/eKN6H
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a Casio TV Watch but without a strap
>> Ridiculous Dirt-biking mishap <<
Out in the woods for a ride through the mud,
what could possibly go wrong? Worth keeping the
sound on, as his mates' helpless laughter adds
to the joy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Out_in_the_woods_for_a_r...
>> Dubstep fluffeh <<
Kittens waking up from painkillers after a
visit to the vet. Very much the post-club trip to
the kebab shop.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dubstep_fluffeh
>> Friendly bear waves back <<
Just one more reason to love the manliest
animal there is (including humans).
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Friendly_Bear_Waves_Back
>> X-Factor voiceover man strikes back <<
The bombastic announcer from X Factor lets us
know what he really thinks. You're asking for
this, when one bloke gets all the voiceover
work - with barely any editing you can make him
say anything.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Bearded dragon playing Ant Crusher <<
Insectivorous lizard proves both motivated and
awesome at smartphone game based on killing
insects. Thus proving magazines are obsolete.
Or something.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bearded_Dragon_playing_A...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Loliphant graveyard - where funny goes to die
* RADIO TRANSMISSION FAILURE - or radio
presenter makes an astonishing confession.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Radio_transmission_failu...
* BBC = BIG BLUEPRINTY COCK - There's nothing
funny about the diagram halfway down the page
in this sober story about Fukushima.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-16212057
* KEEP SCROLLING - there is a surprise.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Scrolling_scrolling_scro...
* PERVERT TRAP - We don't believe this guy
really has a room available - don't fall for
the ploy, ladies.
http://cardiff.craigslist.co.uk/roo/2721316451.htm...
* EASTER EGG - Google Maps gets cute, when
asked for walking directions from The Shire to
Mordor.
http://goo.gl/FSVam
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: BANNED WORDS/PHRASES FOR 2012
Because our personal irritations are now law
KLAXON,
*breaking*
*nom nom nom*
just sayin'
TWeologisms.
My bad
X much? As in "unoriginal much?"
Smash it
Totes
"I used to be a X, but then I took an arrow in
the knee"
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the NASA Challenge
Last week we wanted you to mess with space.
Your favourites included:
* WOOF - uncontrollable dog in space meme
action (rotten eggs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10626912
* SKIP - meanwhile, on the dark side of the
Moon, it's playtime (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10628138
* GOO - crudely-drawn mantool in zero gravity
face-mess (herman:D)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10626668
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/nasa/
>> New challenge: James Bond Xmas <<
It's almost Christmas, and we're celebrating
by asking you to fire up Photoshop and show us
Christmas in the world of Bond... James Bond.
Challenge suggested by Manic.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/xmasbond/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* TURNIP CAKES - Labmonkey writes, "Carrot cake
with turnips? Why yes. Yes you can. A friend of
mine is gluten intolerant and it's quite common
to use veg for adding moisture to wheat-free
cakes. We both like baking. Veggies we have
either added to, or located lurking in the dark
heart of, cakes include parsnips, turnips,
beetroot, courgette, rosemary, mashed potato
and squash. She owns this book. It's a sort of
manual to hiding your five-a-day in delicious
cake."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/059306236...
* ESTIMATE YOUR PISS - The Greyhound writes,
"Did this not so long ago. Having a bedroom
miles away from the toilet but with a sink
installed, I nominated a pint glass to become
my piss pot measuring vessel and started
measuring my flow. Managed a one piss = one
full pint ratio several times. However, I
believe it is impossible for a human to fill
two pint glasses consecutively in one
'standing'. Tried using 2-litre fizzy drinks
bottles as well (Finish the 2 litres before you
need a piss, then fill the bottle). It's an
interesting spin-off; the extra precision
required to wee down a bottle top without
soaking your hands adds a frustratingly
addictive facet to the sport. And even though I
am single, I still feel as if I'm winning at
life."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Pitch perfect
Think of a song you know well. Say the intro
riff from the KLFs What Time Is Love. Hum it.
Keep humming it. Look it up on Youtube/Spotify.
Have you got the pitch right? How far were you
out?
This game can also be played with BPM for the
truly mad.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LIZARDOTRON - A bookmarketlet that makes all
photos lizards and converts words like banker to
lizard. E.g. "Britain is ruled by the lizards
for the lizards".
* BOARD GAME MASHUPS - e.g. Monoposcrabble you
get 7 letters every go. You can only buy
property you can spell.
* MORE BOARD GAME MASHUPS - Trivial Chesssuit -
each time you get a question right you can move
your chess piece. Play passes to other player
if answer is wrong.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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EMF: [email protected]
IMF: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by some useless cunt
with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
fridgefreezer, SpudleyDudley, Bourbon Fox,
combatcameraman, cnamhspairne, Tharg,
DesignCredo, @bumtweets @peregr1n @g6juice
@deltorro01 @melissa_fix, @peregr1n,
funnylittlefrog, thewankerstuff, @mattround,
josh.cann, @jearle Riggleberry, Ho ho ho
Scaramanga, CopyBeard. Top Tippery by
robneymcplum Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
An orange with about 30 fresh cloves pushed into
the skin, tied to a length of christmas ribbon,
makes an ideal festive mace to attack red-suited
intruders entering your property over the holiday
period.
