NEWSLETTER: "BETTER THAN AN EMAIL FROM LINKEDIN"
This Week:
* SEX & VIOLENCE - The rules explained
* WAITROSE - hates you
* LEGO ZX81 - wants your attention
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're selling your
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | data to Tescos
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| & MI6... together"
B3ta email 513 - 27 JAN 2012
Read issue whilst pour boiling water on face:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue513/
Assimilate: [email protected]
Die: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Free £25 football bet. You literally can't lose
It's all eyes on Anfield this weekend for a
mouth-watering FA Cup clash between Liverpool
and Manchester United. You can get stuck into
the betting without risking a penny with
Betfair. Place a minimum £25 or more on the
game and they will refund your bet if it loses
up to a maximum of £25.*
http://bit.ly/x14lHA
* (For terms check out http://bit.ly/sUl2Hb)
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
Happy Thomas Crapper Day. He invented the
ballcock. Think of him when you hear the
cistern gurgling and refilling today. We're
celebrating by doing an extra shit.
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Sex & Violence, Dresses, Ads, Cuts, Dogs & Alien
>> Rules of Sex & Violence <<
"Here's the latest episode of my drawing
tutorial series," offers happycreature. "This
one covers 'The Rules of Sex & Violence', with
two cartoon couples demonstrating what is and
isn't acceptable to show for general audiences.
Hope you find it edjumacational!" Good point
and well made.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Dress-size predictor <<
"I have made a useful thing," boasts
darkgreener. "If you are a woman, you can put
your bust, waist and hip measurements into it,
and it will tell you what size you are in a
range of high-street shops (e.g. TopShop size
10, Reiss size 8, etc)." It's surprisingly
handy to know that we should be buying Dorothy
Perkins size 14 dresses.
http://sizes.darkgreener.com/
>> How to remove ads from videos <<
"I could teach you, but I'd have to charge,"
chants Black Moon, gleefully. More mind-melting
SFX trickery.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_remove_ads_from_v...
>> Sir Ian Bowler Talks About Benefits Cuts <<
Hapless Tory mouthpiece Sir Ian is sent once
more into the breach, to sell us bad news.
"Here to tell you how it is. And where it is.
And what it is," explains Natt.
http://bit.ly/vZoCTM
>> The Incredible Acting Dog <<
"We took a break from song-making and filmed
our dog," explains DefyingDarwin. "He can act,
don't you know? He's gonna be famous, or
addicted to heroin... AND famous." Amazing.
http://bit.ly/waKEp1
>> ALIEN in 60 seconds <<
"Thought I'd have a bash at the 'done in 60
seconds' thingy," mumbles Faceburger. Ridley
Scott's classic slightly improved by
proportionately more Jonesy the Cat.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/ALIEN_in_60_seconds
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Childhood Misconceptions
Last week we wanted to know just what old
bollocks you believed as a kid. And how you
found out it wasn't true:
http://b3ta.com/questions/childhoodmisconceptions/
* RAPED - "As a kid I liked to stay up late
and watch the news with Mum and Dad. A report
of a vicious rape comes on the News at 10. Me:
"Mum, what does rape mean?" Mum: "errmm,
errmmm...it means to be attacked very badly."
Two weeks later I was (genuinely) attacked
very badly by an Alsatian dog. Imagine the
hilarity when I told my less-innocent peers
and school teachers that I had been, "raped
very badly by a big Alsatian dog". In fact I
retold the story well into my teens until
someone was kind enough to reveal the true
meaning of the word." (griffo)
* BUM TOOTH - "My wife's older sister came up
with the absolutely brilliant lie that
everyone has one tooth that appears in your
bum at age 6, and that if you didn't brush it
properly, it would have to get pulled by a
dentist. My wife, age 4 or 5, was petrified
for years, waiting and watching for it in a
mirror so that she could clean it and avoid
the butt-dentist." (flatulent-elm)
* HONK CONK - "I convinced Baby Shambles that
my nose made a beeping noise when pressed.
This backfired when I was having a nap and she
thought it wasn't working and hit it as hard
as she could with a wooden mallet.
(Dr. Shambolic)
>> This Week - Should've been arrested <<
Got away with something that really you should
have been done for? Statute of limitations has
expired? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/notarrested/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Fleshlight iPad attachment <<
When alien robots dig up our civilisation from
the landfills we hope they find this and bleep
"they deserved their end."
http://t.co/4ul2DOzd
>> Ross Kemp folds <<
At Ross Kemp Towers, his manager speaks, "How
are we going get Ross into the hearts and
minds of the UK public this week. I know!
Let's make foldy pictures." Next week they'll
be photoshopping his face onto a turnip and
adding speech bubbles, "MUM! YOU SLAAAG!"
http://rosskempfolds.tumblr.com
>> Local newspaper headlines <<
Collection of nonsense local newspaper
headlines from sandwich boards outside
newsagents. None of them tell the truth of
course, "LOCAL NEWSPAPER WRITTEN BY ONE
UNPAID INTERN - WHOLE INDUSTRY FUCKED FROM
THE BOTTOM UP."
http://plungehorrorhatfury.blogspot.com
>> Lego ZX81 <<
Our inner retro computing nerd felt feelings
of lust at seeing this:
http://post.ly/4xbe9
Then we really started geeking out, looking up
old computer stuff, and found these novelty
ZX Spectrum-style cufflinks. That's Xmas
sorted for at least 4 blokes we know.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003PN59I...
>> Downloadable weapons <<
Download weapon parts to make with your 3D
printer. This is going to end well - internet
users labelled as terrorists etc. Actually
some of the downloadable weapons are really
cool-looking - love the catapult. But we do
wonder about our brave new world where only
three things will have value as resources:
water, plastic and copyright.
http://www.thingiverse.com/tag:weapon
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but with no red button
>> C4 gag pulled off (partly) by a B3tan <<
The channel 4 continuity announcers have been
deliberately mispronouncing The Simpsons for a
while now and it turns out one is a b3tan.
BobbyDaveHead writes, "Wondered how long it'd
be before you chaps picked up on this... We've
been doing it for the past month or so now.
(and in case anyone's interested - the guy
from 1:30 onwards - that's me, that is.)"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/736398
>> David Sylvian "He's Beautiful!" <<
Odd song about David Sylvian that says
something about the fan/star relationship. And
also how this stuff can still be fizzing round
people's heads 30 years later. Pop culture is a
hell of a drug.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Boots 'n' Cats 'n' Boots 'n' Cats <<
Say the word "boot" - this is a bass drum, the
plosive of the B makes a nice thud. Say the
word "cat" - this is a snare - the hard C
starts with a lot of attack and ending on a T.
Boot cat boot cat is the clasic bass/snare 4/4
beat. Now it gets clever, "boots cats" -
listen to the S. We've got a hihat on the off
beat. Utter utter genius that made us walk the
streets muttering words to ourselves for their
percussive qualities. Personally we think
"chat" is a better snare than "cat" but that
would make a less good video.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boots_n_Cats_n_Boots_n_C...
>> Bird flies on stage <<
Baby bird falls into the middle of a bluegrass
festival. Cuteness ensues. Hurry on to 1:40, if
bluegrass isn't your thing.
http://bit.ly/z3rqCR
>> The new face of terror <<
Hair-raising trip around the very mouth
of madness.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_do_hate_it_when_this_h...
>> Worst cat happy birthday ever <<
If somebody you know and love is celebrating
their birthday today, why not send them a video
of such poor quality that it's practically
psychedelic?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
The funny thing? It's never featured one corner
* MARKETING OR NAIVETY? - Either they should
rethink the name or they're playing quite evil
games to get attention.
http://www.therapistinabox.com
* WAITROSE HATES YOU - Seen everywhere this
week. Because it's great.
http://pic.twitter.com/dAj8uxq7
* EMBARRASSING KINDLE - "My girlfriend left her
kindle at my house so I jailbroke it and added
some new authors to her screensaver rotation,"
beams Olly Moss. BTW love your Twitter
wallpaper.
http://pic.twitter.com/ipaX7oBN
* TEXT MESSAGE TROLLING - @recognisethis
writes, "Apparently this dude put his phone
number on Facebook because he was bored."
http://i.imgur.com/rsQ93.png
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Stock Photo Challenge
Last week we wanted you to find uses for
unusable stock photos
Your favourites included:
* BOYLE - from exposure to devastation,
via the medium of contaminated fruit
(ferret)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10668332
* FACIAL - nice lady in hot Tesco
Value money shot action (Puromycin)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10664105
* ORANGE - horrendous, strange-trousered
citrus stiffy incident (iammo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10665461
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/stock/
>> New challenge: Monkeys <<
Everybody go ape, for it's a One Word
Challenge: Monkeys! Suggested by Bourbon
Fox
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moremonkeys/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SHEEP!'S TV SHOW - "I'm now making my films
full-time!" rejoices b3ta legend Sheep! who
has been taken under the wing of some kindly
Germans. "They even made some opening titles
for me and gave me a German-sounding name...
You can see the shows weekly on their website
and I'll post them on my YouTube channel when
I feel like it."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/First_Film
* SPANNERED - "Could help us punt our new
book?" asks a cheeky spanneredbooks. "It's a
novel set in the free-party/illegal rave scene,
with twelve B&W illustrations and loads of
people getting absolutely munted. Let us know
where to send a freebie copy!" Aha! Now that's
more like it!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/190623657...
* LOREM IPSUM NOVEL - "There's also a book (of
sorts) with basically nothing but zeros in it,"
observes Doctor Truth. "10,000,000 zeros.
Dunno, might be a beginning of an epic series
on numbers."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005KT1A3...
* CRAP TANK PART 2 - "I'm still working on the
Crap Tank from the 'Amazing Projects' QOTW
(November 2011)," explains JamHamster. "The
missus thought I should post my progress so
far." The scratch-built RC wonder now has guns
and a laser sight, like a tiny Terminator.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crap_Tank_Part_2
* AMAZING ABSTRACT POSTERS - "Some more
developed (and much larger!) versions of some
images I posted over on /board a while back
have been made into posters by the wonderful
Blam (of Trainspotting poster fame)," informs
Chris Hildrey. "I'd be rather honoured if you'd
check them out. And by check them out I, of
course, mean spend all your pocket money on
buying one!"
http://print-process.com/Artist/Chris_Hildrey/
* WHATDOESTHEINTERNETTHINK - REDUX! "It's been
a few years since I launched this
Frankengoogle app and things in the Search-API
world have changed. A lot," bemoans c_kick. "I
had to throw away practically all the old
code. It now runs on jQuery, making Ajax calls
to my algorythm (doesn't that just sound
professional?). I hope you like it once more!"
http://www.whatdoestheinternetthink.net/
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Policy Guesses
Think of the most right-wing policy you can
imagine and guess the year the Tories will
support it. Then add six months to produce the
date when Labour will capitulate.
* SELLING THE ORGANS OF THE POOR TO MAKE MEAT
JAM - proposed for 2015.
* FRUIT MACHINES IN POST OFFICES - to reclaim
the benefits back. (2013)
* THE RETURN OF THE WORKHOUSE - via a
distributed system called 'workfare' (2012)
This isn't much of a fun game is it? Sorry.
Why not keep spitting and see how long it
takes to fill a cup?
-------------------------------------------------
: IPHONE 5 FEATURES LIST
Exclusive info for our readers
The whole tech world is wanking itself into
epilepsy speculating about the features of the
latest iPhone, so here's our list:
* An anti-piracy taser
* Fuckable minge
* Suckable milky nipple that lactates heroin
* A 40-foot holograph projection of Steve Jobs
that demands human sacrifice.
* Unscratchable screen that scratches, ooh, four
weeks before the iPhone 6 is available.
* A message of thanks from happy, unexploited
Chinese workers who made the phone.
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A BUTTON ON YOUR LAPTOP THAT GOES "SHOW ME
THE FOLDER WHERE THAT LAST THING I SAVED IS" -
We often have to save files twice. Once to
save it. Once to work out where the app has
defaulted to dumping the files.
* CHILD SPRAY - like fly spray but for children.
* FASHIONABLE TONGUE COLOURS - we got a blue
lollypop the other day that turned our mouth
and lips blue. Why hasn't fashion and the
make-up industry exploited this? People paint
their lips and faces but not their tongues.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Sex party: [email protected]
Hex party: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. If we had a pound every
time a Tory MP said "fair" we'd stick it in an
offshore account and not pay tax on it. Stuff
sent in by @RnRDave, mrandrist, ElusiveCamel,
Ed_Grace, @are_pee_jee, @hairydalek,
@TomWhitwell, Mr Eraserhead, Victoria.e.jones
& justinbellinger. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Subjlos via The Great Architect.
War! (Huh!) What is it good for? Enriching the
corporate elite and controlling
the flow of resources. Say it again!
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
If you've got a top tip why not post them on
our special message board for "top tips".
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
