NEWSLETTER: "WHAT TIME IS IT? I DON'T KNOW, MY WATCH IS STILL BOOTING UP"
This Week:
* GIANT GIFS - On bus stops
* HONEST - Logos that tell the truth
* RAP - Kid vs English teacher
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | evidence... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta hypertext shit bomb 514 - 3 Feb 2012
Read this issue without moving your lips:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue514/
Submarine: [email protected]
Unsubmarine: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Go on a cheap holiday; you deserve it B3tans
Luxury, members-only travel club with up to
70% off trips to places like New York,
Barcelona, Lapland and Montenegro. Free to
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http://goo.gl/wIpzd
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us with your
typing fingers.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making us sweat
>> Bus Top GIFFY art project <<
"Hey b3tans," writes antediluvian board member
misteralfie. "Basically we've made a network
of big, red LED screens that are scattered
around London (20 boroughs) and live on the
roofs of bus shelters. From 1st February, work
created by the public is sent to them. Please,
not too many cocks."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10677037
>> How To Bake A Cake <<
"How to bake the perfect cake," demonstrates
ratbanjos. "Enjoy!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_To_Bake_A_Cake
>> Space Kisser <<
"I don't know if you remember..." begins
Krispystrips, but we have a long memory for
peculiar, Middle-Eastern sci-fi. Here's an
exuberantly ramshackle take on 'Star Treck'.
http://youtu.be/Y0z_7bKm258
>> Terminator in 60 Seconds <<
"You did it for Faceburger, now do it for us,"
demands PMGT, who has also entered some 'movie
in 60 secs' viral compo. This is great though,
so we're happy to oblige. Vote for 'em if you
like it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Rock My Caucasss <<
"I made this as a pilot a couple weeks ago.
Hopefully they'll pay me to do more if this
does well," explains smearballs. One for our
US readers, we think. Hey, how long before Fox
and CNN start doing this to political news
footage as a matter of course?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rock_My_Caucasss
>> Countryside survivalist guide <<
"Just a short comedy sketch show,"
self-deprecates lee1178. We sincerely hope
that the number doesn't represent his birth
year, as that would make him Armand de
Perigord, Grand Master of the Knights Templar.
Anyhoo, this clip starts as straight parody,
then wobbles increasingly off-kilter.
http://bit.ly/zf9Fds
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ANNOUNCEMENT: The suicide nets outside B3ta
Towers are for your protection. We have, of
course, had on-site deaths but they are
statistically similar to meme assembly plants
of equivalent size.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
"I should have been arrested!"
Last week we worked in conjunction with
London's police to get you lot to confess your
crimes directly onto our database, which stores
your IP addresses and email. We're just
waiting for the paperwork from the Met to come
through and see under which clause of the Data
Protection Act they wish to obtain your
details.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/notarrested/
* CAUGHT SHAGGING "Age 17: young, horny and
with my own car. We took her off to a quiet
layby, flipped the back seats down and
proceeded to get down with it. Having
successfully done the jiggy in the back of an
Austin Metro (no mean feat in itself), Emma
proceeds to wander off to have a wee in the
bushes. No sooner does she squat down hidden
behind a tree, then the police pull up next to
me and shine their torches through the windows
to find me lying on the back-seat, tackle
still semi-proud, apparently enjoying a good
solo session. Trying to contain her mirth and
urine, my loving lady simply stayed crouched
down out of view while I tried to explain to
the police that I wasn't in fact enjoying a
lonely roadside wank. And then she laughed at
me for about 3 months afterwards." (ousgg)
* FARM GIRL - "Years ago we lived near a farm
and the farmer was one of the grumpiest
bastards ever to walk this Earth. He used to
hire temporary workers - hard up students most
of the time - and pay them peanuts. And when I
say peanuts I mean the cheap, generic
ultra-discount variety. He made these people
do back-breaking work for absurdly long hours,
and not surprisingly none of them stayed very
long. Then along came Abina. She was a sweet
little thing and how she managed the work I
don't know, but she stuck it out for months
and months. As far as I could tell the farmer
(whose name I unfortunately can't remember)
made her work harder than any of the others -
he probably still believed that people with
dark skin were fair game to be made into
slaves. So he was a racist, grumpy bastard.
One day I was walking past the farm and saw
Abina running up and down the field waving her
arms around and making strange noises. I asked
her what she was doing and she explained that
the birds had got used to the scarecrow so she
was having to do its duty along with all her
other work. Now that was one of the times I
really wished that I was big and hard and
tough, so that I could have gone and smacked
the farmer, but at around 10 years old that
was a mere fantasy. So I did the next best
thing - partly out of chivalry, partly because
I had a bit of a crush on the girl - and took
over her bird-scaring duties while Abina had a
long and well-deserved sit-down. So I shooed;
Abina rested." (eesnahk)
* GOOD POINT - "Recommend you don't post an
answer to this question from an O2 mobile"
(Ravenous Bugblatter Beast)
>> This Week: Filth! <<
Enzyme writes, "Tell us your tales of grot,
grime, dirt, detritus and mess."
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/filthandmess/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Honest logos <<
Corporate identities that reveal what the
business is *really* about. Reminds us our our
ancient image challenge If Ads Told The Truth
- 'Guinness it makes you fat and turns your
shit black.'
http://bit.ly/gfxZJQ
>> Anagram Tube map <<
Ever wondered how to get from Prussian Girdle
to Rubber Synod by Tube? Some proper gems here
although, be warned, it hasn't been updated to
include the Groundover. "Groundover?" Jesus,
thanks internet anagram server, we could have
come up with that one ourselves.
http://www.anagramtubemap.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
>> Contrast Rebellion <<
Thinking of using light grey text on a mid
grey background? Think again, sucker - and
here's why! Er, basically, it's hard to read.
But rah! We're angry about it!
http://www.contrastrebellion.com
>> Vagina dye <<
If your face isn't big enough to fit on all
the cosmetics you buy, why not try recolouring
your labia? Yes, this really is a thing. The
reviews are, predictably, worth a look.
http://bit.ly/bkG4s7
>> Works of art improved with cats <<
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
any famous work of art must be in want of an
endearingly podgy, ginger cat.
http://bit.ly/AlCSgz
>> Meme movie posters <<
29 of your favourite internets memes rendered
as awesome vintage movie posters. Far classier
than the subject matter deserves.
http://cargocollective.com/mememovieposters#
>> Saucy books <<
A countdown of 'unintentionally sexy' book
covers is always a treat. Though we do
recognise #8 from a photoshop compo a few
years back.
http://bit.ly/AsrxAl
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Tiny frogs
Carly291287 writes, "For the cute section of
the newsletter, something different - a teeny,
tiny frog." Utterly lovely; we should probably
do something to stop them all going extinct.
Hooray for the Holocene extinction period. Or
not hooray really.
http://bit.ly/zgPpJA
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like radio but with magic dancing people
>> Rap battle between pupil & teacher. <<
All the oldsters in the house will enjoy this
as the older teacher utterly owns the kid.
Gets good at 2:20
http://bit.ly/wGj8Qc
>> Father & his kids cover Depeche Mode <<
Are you a lady? Do you secretly want kids?
Prepare for your ovaries to explode. BTW:
Depeche Mode is French for 'in the mood for
fish'.
http://bit.ly/zQKn01
>> Physical comedy from a master <<
Larry Griswold's routine of pretending to be
a drunk whilst staggering off of the diving
board and its ladder, as he got ready for a big
dive. Still brilliant now.
http://bit.ly/wvZZKg
>> A Swarm of Nano Quadrotors <<
Tremendously technically impressive fleet of
tiny, robot gyrocoptors, but the sound of
their motors made us think of mechanical
houseflies. Also, don't ever imagine their
potential military use on civilians; that'll
never happen.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_Swarm_of_Nano_Quadroto...
>> Worst superhero <<
Wherever there is evil, Milkman will be there
to protect the innocent with his creamy vomit.
Huzz... ah?
http://bit.ly/wfteLi
>> Rick Santorum lols <<
The Presidential primaries rumble on. You
should care because the USA basically runs the
world and we live in its wake; so it's an
election for the new boss and we don't get a
vote. Oh well, we suspect the main point of
these rabid Republicans is so that Obama stays
in place. As someone once said, "How do you
get chickens to run towards a fox? Show them a
wolf." Anyway, Santorum is overdubbed here for
your cheap amusement.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rick_Santorum
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now featuring 'Crudely-Drawn Cock-Collector'
* LEN CHICKEN - @ChrisShawEditor writes,
"Scanning old editions of our mag for a blog,
I happened upon this chap who lives in 1982."
http://bit.ly/zWhTJl
* FANNY CHMELAR - Chase writes, "I know you
lot are sick and tired of the funny name
corner, but... there is a skier on the German
World Cup slalom team called Fanny Chmelar."
The video of a TV host suppressing giggles at
her name is priceless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* GOOGLE MAP PENIS - Rev. Error writes,
"Thought you'd appreciate this Google Maps
image."
http://g.co/maps/ftrdd
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: BEATBOX LESSONS #2 and #3
Following last weeks' "boots cats boots cats"
* DRUM AND BASS - Tickle writes, 'Further to
boots and cats, if you want a drum & bass
beat try "beef for the cat, beef for the cat,
(pause) beef for the cat, beef for the cat,
beef". And if you repeatedly use this almost
nonsense sentence you could say to a hip hop
DJ, "Don't be bitter to be catching
competitor's better scratching". Pronouncing it
in a boots 'n' cats way, it's quite a hip hop
beat.'
* BILLIE JEAN - grippa93 writes, "A more
profane version, which a friend and I came up
with circa 2003. We were trying to work out
how one person could beatbox 'Billie Jean'.
The solution was 'Bums & c*nts & bums & c*nts
& ...', sung to the bass-line - so you get the
drums and bass in. Try it yourself."
Maybe we'd could spin this out to a whole
website, like that email codey lessons thing
everyone was raving about. Learn to Beat Box
in 52 email lessons. Beardy Guy should def
do this.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from last week's Monkeys Challenge
Your favourites included:
* SEXY - your Ginger Führer, depicted in hot
stripping simian action (rattlehead)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10672801
* RAMPAGE - classic b3ta meme revisited as
Kong gets angry (wuffle, the b3ta bunny)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10675195
* WISDOM - infinite monkey theorem enhanced by
introduction of Microsoft Office assistant
((benito vaselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10672242
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moremonkeys/
>> New challenge: Misunderstood Dialogue <<
This week's task is to take a famous line from
a film, TV show, play or book, misunderstand
it for comic effect, then show the result!
Challenge suggested by The Hedgehog From Hell.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/misunderstood/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ONCE A B3TAN WROTE A TUNE - lord loaf
writes, "When I was 15 I was somehow involved
in the development of a game for the Amiga,
namely The Lost Patrol. I wrote a tune for it
which was fairly simple and remarkably short
for the time you'd end up playing the game. I
haven't worked for the games industry since...
Think of this as a musical 'Googling your own
name'"
http://thelostpatrol.wordpress.com/
* STREET-CLEANING SIMULATOR REVIEWS - we often
find funny things on Amazon and link them up,
then you lot tend to add funny reviews. Here's
one we added Oct 2001 and we've only just
noticed how much you went to town. Well done,
chaps.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0051NPKS...
* FLUFFINGTON THANKS - Josh Catone writes,
"Your link to The Fluffington Post was
probably our first big traffic spike and the
first time we started taking the site
seriously (or as seriously as you can take a
site of fake news about cats and dogs). Still,
we're very grateful for that early link and it
helped to get us where we are today -- which
is announcing a new site redesign that
includes at least 100% more big-media parody.
We'd love for you check it out."
http://www.thefluffingtonpost.com/
* CHARITY B3TAN - chimperoonie writes, "I'm
running the "Toughest Footrace on Earth", the
Marathon des Sables (6 marathons, 6 days,
Sahara desert, carrying all my kit for the
race. You know, the usual) for a couple of
charities and wondered if you could pimp my
page in the newsletter? Ben Fogle did it a
while back, surely that counts for summat?"
BTW: We're running this mainly because this guy
is called David Gilmore and we like Shine On
You Crazy Diamond. Probably not the same guy,
we admit.
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/DavidGilmore
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: FRIDAY GAME
Think your screen is clean?
If your screen is anything like ours it's
covered in fingerprints, sinister smears and
possibly bodily fluids. However you've probably
tuned it out. Don't clean it yet, play this
'hunt the pixel' game and realise quite how
dirty your screen is. We ended up giving it a
quick wipe and found out we've got one dead
pixel. So basically, this is a link that
spreads misery. Hooray!
http://wheresthepixel.com/
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: WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?
We buy spaghetti on Amazon now?! Who are we?
Recently been obsessing over the De Cecco
brand of pasta - it's the blue and yellow
packets you see for sale in Italian
delis. Pasta snobs - and they do exist -
believe it to be the best dried pasta for
sale, but it's pricey. Often £1.50, £1.65 for
a 500g packet.
This is where the internet is your friend. Six
packets for £6 on Amazon, including postage.
That's who we are now, pasta snobs who try to
get good deals on spaghetti by sniffing about
online. Christ.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0054IMIE...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* EVIL PORTFOLIO - we've got an investment
theory. Only invest in evil. News
International. Foxconn. Halliburton. Xe.
Basically anything your lefty chums rant
about. Will you earn money over time?
* A CAPITALIST THOUGHT MACHINE - "Fuck 'em,
they're just stupid." Compassion or empathy
gets in the way of earning money. The truly
successful can turn these thoughts by demonising
groups them into non-people. Can you?
* PRISON HOLIDAYS - we've never been in prison
but we suspect people who say "it's like a
holiday camp" are wrong. Would be great if you
could be sent to prison for two weeks (without
getting a prison record) simply to disabuse
us all from such silly notions.
* PUBLIC QUIET SPACES - we needed to read a
book in the daytime recently (for work
reasons) and were finding it hard to
concentrate from the noise. So we went to the
local library, it was hardly any quieter. Fuck
closing down libraries to pay for banker
bonuses, we need public reading rooms. The
world is bloody noisy. Grr. *old man noises*
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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B3ta IPO: [email protected]
Dump stock: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
sinisterduck, sijones, oldboy127, Herb
Alpert's Taxi Driver, Smale, Trudi,
@mattround, Smale, @jongomm, Lisa, clownf1st,
mr.dogshit, jakedamusss, bananaprince &
Mofobaru. Top Tippery by deanr201 / SickRik.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Two creepy ideas to celebrate the Facebook IPO
* RANDOM FACEBOOK STALKING IDEA - stick random
numbers at the end of the following URL and
seen what lovely people you can find:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php
* FREAK OUT JUSTIN BIEBER FANS - Google/
twittersearch "@justinbieber my phone number
is ....." You'll find a fan desperate enough
to have put their number on - then call the
number whilst putting on a squeaky American
voice.
