NEWSLETTER: "OPERATING A PERMANENT GEEK BAILOUT SINCE 2001"
This Week:
* DREDD - Sci fi meets kids' TV
* OPTICAL - Illusions to fuck your eyes
* TOYS - with embarrassing names
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the yak...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| for later"
B3ta Interactive CD-Rom 515 - 10 Feb 2012
Enjoy this multimedia on your PalmPilot:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue515/
Peak: [email protected]
Clapped: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff, things, etc
>> Phantom Menace disappointment <<
George Lucas is releasing 3D versions of his
prequels, to the dismay/secret delight of
nerds everywhere. Funkadelic83 writes, "We at
the Second City have made a trailer so you can
re-experience the disappointment of the
Phantom Menace - in 3D!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Here Comes Dredd <<
"Old kids' TV meets everyone's favourite
future cop," posits HappyToast. Prepare your
thrill-circuits for overload as we meet Mega
City One's favourite, tiny, bobble-headed
lawman.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Here_comes_Dredd
>> What's in Spock's scanner Part III <<
"The third and final part of my Star Trek
editing endeavours," explains Black Moon, who
clearly doesn't believe in describing things
as a trilogy. A sublime 10 minutes of
dialogue-free gags from the Original Series.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Whats_in_Spocks_scanner_...
>> Sheep! meets snow <<
"Another of them there films I make," affirms
Sheep! modestly. "With snow, yeah?"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Another_of_them_there_fi...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Filth!
Last week we asked you for your tales of grot,
grime, dirt, detritus and mess. Don't read these
whilst eating:
http://b3ta.com/questions/filthandmess/
* CREEPY - "Cleaning up someone's rancid
backyard with a pressure washer, I was
delighted to be covered in a thin slurry of
shite, old broken eggs, mouse corpses, chicken
shit and other wonderful detritus. When I gave
up and went indoors for a beer my eye was
itching. After I went back to work and carried
on swishing the filth, my eye was still
itching. When I got home hours later I had a
few pre-bath beers and sat reading the paper,
all the while, my eye was itching. Finally I
decanted my filthy self into the bath and had
a good old soak to be rid of the day's
accumulated horrors, although...my eye was
still itching. Eventually I sprang from the
bath, shiny and cleansed and looked hard at my
eye in the bathroom mirror. Nothing; nothing
that is until I pulled my lower eyelid down.
Crawling along, without a care in the world
was a small, white maggot. I wear goggles now
for that kind of job." (Infidel Castrol)
* FRUIT AND VAG - "Many years ago I had a
weekend job working for a supermarket in the
fruit and veg department. One Saturday at 6am,
unloading a delivery lorry, we noticed an
unsavoury odour but dismissed it as driver
beer/curry/fart. We were wrong. I wheeled the
veg onto the shop floor. Loose veg came in
black polythene bags that you'd slice open and
tip out. Not today though. I sliced open a bag
carrots and was immediately hit with the stench
of farmyard excrement. Not just excrement
though, there was an artistic bonus too. The
tray was packed with horse shit and with eleven
carrots thoughtfully laid on top of it to spell
out 'CUNT'. This wasn't a spur of the moment
act though - these carrots were massive and
whoever had performed the act must have been
saving these carrots over his shift, which I
imagine was his last. So Mr Unhappy
Carrotpacker, if you ever read this and have
wondered after all these years just where your
handiwork ended up, it arrived at Hertford
Waitrose one Saturday morning and caused one of
my colleagues to dry wretch repeatedly for
about 90 minutes before eventually throwing up
in the cardboard box compactor out the back.
For that I salute you." (Guntfuggle Quackblast)
* MUNCHIES - "Many years ago, a mate's
girlfriend came round. She'd just got off shift
at the local hospital. "Anyone got any spliff?"
"Didn't know you smoked, Sara?" "I don't but I
need the munchies or I won't be able to keep
dinner down." She'd assisted at a cyst
drainage: the patient had not one but
seventeen, spread over his back and ranging
from dried pea to satsuma in size. The little
ones went OK but the three biggest...squirted.
Apparently the smell was a cross between
rotting flesh, halitosis and vomit. All the
theatre staff were hit. The surgeon had to have
his face-shield wiped off twice and the theatre
itself was out of action for 4 hours while
pathology had it steam cleaned and then swabbed
for cultures. Poor Sara. She got the munchies,
but had a flashback halfway down her Chinese
and threw up." (all my scars face forward)
>> This Week: Random Acts of Kindness<<
Has anyone ever been nice to you, out of the
blue, for no reason? Have you helped an old
lady across the road? Make us believe that the
world is a better place here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/randomactsofkindness/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Incredible optical illusions <<
You won't believe your eyes!
http://optillusions.tumblr.com/
>> Abandoned Ireland <<
Arty black-and-white photos of various Irish
buildings that have been left to decay. Eerie
and a little sad.
http://www.abandonedireland.com/start.html
>> The Bristol Pound <<
Banksy's home town is launching its own
currency. Not as mad as it seems - there's
been a bunch of smaller schemes around the
country already, including London's own
Brixton Pound. They're looking for a banknote
design right now, and they probably can't
afford Banksy - why not give it a go?
http://bristolpound.org/index.php
>> Daily Mail snow troll <<
Gleeful scamp reveals how the Daily Mail ran a
faked-up snow picture he made for his mates.
Interesting insight into how lazy researchers
can actually create a troll.
http://bit.ly/wYyyyE
>> The difference between accounting companies <<
Quick Google search reveals the
embarrassing truth.
http://bit.ly/xFctE3
>> Dictionary Of The Vulgar Tongue, 1811 <<
A sort of ancient Profanisaurus, written in
1811 now available on Project Gutenberg. We
think it's past time to revive terms like
'betwattled' and 'fartleberries' - remember,
it doesn't count as swearing if it's over 200
years old.
http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/5402
>> Freelancer Fred <<
It's funny because it's true. Like all memes.
http://www.quickmeme.com/Freelancer-Fred/
>> Daybreak Time Twitter <<
Kudos to the long-suffering staffer on the
Daybreak Twitter account. A job that mostly
consists of explaining the concept of ITV+1 to
bleary-eyed viewers.
http://bit.ly/xR9RuU
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: PLUG FOR B3TA BASH
Each year, keen B3tan Riverghost organises
a bash. He writes, "Oi, any chance of a plug
again for the charity auction at the London
bash again this year? I have wine gums!"
Oh go on. Sign up. Then attend. It's in
London, 25th May 2012.
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/23598
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
It's like TV and this bit is your TV Quick mag
>> Iron Sky trailer <<
Nazis from the Moon. Nazis from the Moon. Will
we go and see this film? Possibly, but for now
it's enough that it exists.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Iron_Sky_trailer
>> Electricity company uses B3tan's idea! <<
Well done to b3tan Herman who got paid and
laid* for this wonderfully cute ad spot of
collapsing cooling towers. And well done to
Ecotricity's agency, for doing things the
right way. * May not have got laid
http://bit.ly/xuI6OU
>> Data's impression of Captain Picard <<
Brent Spiner does a good impression of Patrick
Stewart. VERY good. This must happen on loads
of long-running TV shows - you're with the
same bunch of people for ages and they're all
celebrated for their gift of mimicry.
http://bit.ly/wGJzqd
>> Superbowel <<
Creative use of computer game's dodgy
collision detection. Kind of NSFW.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Superbowel
>> Island of Misnamed Toys <<
"My three year old daughter names all of her
toys herself." Cue massive parental
embarrassment as we meet Dick & Prick, Horny
and friends. Deary me.
http://youtu.be/_X-9BlmGVn4
>> Fake rhino zoo breakout <<
Zoo in Tokyo runs a training exercise on
dealing with an escaped rhino. Two members of
staff play the part of the rampaging beast -
love the attention to detail that's given the
costume lush eyelashes and wiggly ears.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-16950361
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Tedious shit as per usual
Apparently there's a German ski jumper called
"A. Wank". He is 1,89m tall and weighs 72 kg.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andreas_Wank
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: B3TA SURVIVAL TIPS
Thinking about staying alive? Here's a handy guide.
1. Eat well, but not too much. Try not to
snack. But if you must snack have an apple.
2. Being permanently drunk or hung over is no
way to live your life. Cut it down.
3. Exercise is good. It doesn't have to be
crazy let's run a marathon stuff. Just make
sure you walk every day.
4. People are more interesting than the
internet. But they're also more difficult to
make work. Make the effort.
5. Cheese is the devil. It'll tempt you with
its fatty ways. Get thee behind me, cheese
Satan.
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: DIG DEEP CHARITY SHIT
Everyman Theatre in Liverpool got knocked down.
Sir Hubert Huzzah writes, "It was where Pete
Postlethwaite, Bill Drummond, Bill Nighy,
Julie Walters and David Morrisey - among
others - got a start in the actoring and
actoressing life. It is also where the longest
play in history (The Illuminatus Trilogy by
Ken Campbell) was performed. Including a faked
Black Mass Under the Patronage of Queen Betty.
"So they're rebuilding it and want donations.
Go, on B3tans."
http://www.everymanplayhouse.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Dialogue Challenge
Last week we wanted you to misunderstand
famous lines from films etc. for wildly
comic effect
Your favourites included:
* WHOOPS - in the heat of battle, a
misunderstanding has disastrous
consequences (ferry)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10680204
* CASABLANCA - the most famous farewell in all
of moviedom gets dumbed up (The Great
Architect )
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10679085
* MOLESTATION - a long time ago, in a galaxy
far far away, fear of pedophiles cut a long
story short (Willmot)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10682038
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/misunderstood/
>> New challenge: Ugly/Cute <<
This week's challenge is to take the
loveliest, cutest things you can find and make
them hideously ugly. Easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cuteugly/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TANS MAKE LEMBIT OPIK POSSIBLY LOOK A BIT
SILLY - all over the UK political bits on
twitter earlier this week was this. db123
writes, "Myself and Krispystrips were asked to
make a lil music video for The Good Suns. We
happened to have Lembit's number and knew he
enjoyed music. Shot this in half a day (can
you tell?!) and had drinks with him after."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lembit_Opik_starred_in_m...
* BACKWARDS TUBE NAMES - Rev. Error writes,
"Bit of feedback on the anagram tube map:
Finsbury Park backwards is Krapy Rub Snif!"
Are there any more? Ooh, yes, yes there are.
Upton Park - Krap Not Pu.
* VAGINAL PINK ANXIETY - "Afternoon - was
just looking at your link for 'My Oink Button'
in the newsletter and I thought I'd go to the
Amazon site to see more. Take a look at the
'customers who viewed this item also
viewed...' section. It's the most fucked-up
collection of stocking fillers I've ever
seen:"
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002P0ST1K/...
* BIZARROKNICKERS - Geoff the Clownfish
writes, "Following on from last week's vagina
dye, what better to slip her New Pink Button
into than these beauties? They're basically
knickers that look like a pantie-liner, with a
thong bit that slips up her crack. Check the
photos. Really this season's must-haves."
http://bit.ly/ygi3OW
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: FRIDAY GAME
Lippy name that tune
Smack your lips together and note the tone.
Change the shape of your mouth and note the
different tone. You should be able to roughly
play tunes. We can make a piss-poor stab at
Hot Butter's Pop Corn. Can your colleagues
guess what the tune is? Do they want to stab
you in the face yet?
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DAILY MAIL BIKINI BAROMETER - run a daily
soft porn count for the strip they stick down
the side of their front page.
* STREETCYCLING? - we love that we can just
stick stuff outside our house and people take
it. Assuming it's worth taking. This low
effort cooperative sharing thing needs a name
and it should be encouraged. It's less shitty
than eBay, and less effort than Freecycle.
Huzzah.
* OFFICIAL READING HOUR - every night at 8pm
the internet should be turned off, the pubs
closed, TV switched off and we all read for 1
hr.
Send contributions via a pipe bomb underneath
our Austin Allegro.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sexy fun time: [email protected]
Unsexy unfun time:[email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @helenlewis,
threefour, The Goddamn Barfly steand ste,
Leemondus, Butters, Peacocke, Stashie,
leeblackwood, sinisterduck, Nimble Colin,
VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, boldswede. Top Tippery
by KarlToOnZ. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting
the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
