NEWSLETTER: "GUARANTEED TO CONTAIN ABSOLUTELY NO REFERENCES TO L****N 2**2"
This Week:
* LYMPICS - Are you overexcited enough?
* HOT GIRLS - Sing
* TWATTERY - Your stories and confessions
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our otters
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in a very sensible
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| otter efficient ISA"
B3ta email 525 - 20 Apr 2012
Read this issue naked and eating chips:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue525
Subs : [email protected]
Blubs : [email protected]
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: ZOMBIE MANOR HOUSE - £79
Shoot zombies in a remote manor house!
You’ve heard of Downton Abbey? Well get ready
for Downton Scabby!
Zombies have taken over a manor house near
Manchester/Liverpool. Armed with guns and
limited ammunition, you have to clear the
65-acre site and manor house of zombies.
Watch the video online...
http://wish.co.uk/zombie-manor-house/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Lympics, Colours, Fat Dogs, Sausage Drones
>> The 'Lympics Are Coming! <<
"Don't know if you've realised," writes Paint
my Album, "But the Olympics are coming. We hate
the hype so much, we've made an advert we hope
gets confused with the real one." 'Lympics!!!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Lympics_Are_Coming:2
>> Quick-fire movie colour quiz <<
"Color Reel is an animation that showcases the
colours in movies," writes e.seitz. "How many
can you guess." It's pretty damn quick, thus
tricky.
https://vimeo.com/40423792
>> FAT DOGS <<
"So, I made this," confesses V3lvetPresley.
"And I want more people to look, basically
because I'm running out of pictures of fat dogs
and I want people to send them to me." All fat
dogs, all the time.
http://fuckyeahfatdogs.tumblr.com/
>> Project Sausage Drone Stage 1 <<
"I'm building a drone capable of delivering a
sausage at 100mph," rants Joel Veitch. "Stage 1
is complete. Next up is setting it up with a
camera on the plane and video goggles receiving
the signal." Joel may well have found his niche
as wild-eyed TV science guy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Project_Sausage_Drone_St...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Twattery
We wanted your tales of utter twats, and we
got them. Along with some of your own
confessions where "everyone looked at me like
I had just raped a small kitten":
http://b3ta.com/questions/twattery/
* CAT TWAT - "Twat cat enters my friend's
garden and promptly proceeds on over to the
pond to do some fishing. A number of fish have
gone missing out of the pond lately so there's
now a fence around it to stop any herons, who
were getting the blame. The fence had 3
horizontal wires but the bottom wire was
removed to allow smaller birds to get to the
pond for a drink. Unaware cat is unaware,
however, that this is an electric fence. Cat
crawls through the wet grass and safely under
the fence. The greedy little fiend pokes his
paw in the water, scouting for the ponds
chubby residents. Getting all excited, he is
unaware of what he's doing with his tail,
which brushes the wire behind him. Mayhem
ensues as cat shoots 5ft in the air, does 2
backflips and lands on all four paws. In the
middle of the pond. Poor thing swims out and
sprints out the garden, presumably to go dive
on its owner's bed covered in pond slime and
old leaves. Maybe I'm the twat for spending
all day laughing." (i dont get it)
* TUBE TWAT - "I watched a bloke run for a
train on the Northern Line. The doors were
already closing but, not wanting to wait, he
managed to fit an arm through the door as they
closed, then force them open and squidge
himself on. Much to the dismay of the cramped
passengers on the other side of the doors
which then slammed shut behind him. I then
noticed his beige rain mac hadn't made it
through the door quite as well as he had, and
was sticking a clear 1-2 foot out into the
air. I giggle, we all giggle. Twat man has had
his day. He then sees us all giggling and with
a smirk on his face begins to pull his coat
through the doors... until it jams... on a
great big brown button. The motors started up
and away he went, his coat still a good foot
clear of the train. As it ran down the
platform it wafted about, slapping people's
newspapers. God knows what state it was in by
the time he got to the next station." (Dan dan
dan)
* CHRIST KNOWS TWAT - "I once got dumped by a
girl because she 'didn't love me like they do
in Disney.' Bullet dodged." (Mr Fudge)
>> This Week - Sports <<
In which we ask a bunch of pasty-faced
shut-ins about their exploits on the sports
field. How bad was it for you?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sports/
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: AMAZON DOT TROLL
Is it in yet?
Particularly graphically instructive review for
offbeat 'feminine hygiene' product Mooncup.
http://amzn.to/I9txLr
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> 20 common cooking mistakes <<
Useful list, explaining the errors that you've
almost certainly ruined tonight's dinner with.
http://bit.ly/uB5vwc
>> Stereographic drawing <<
Fluorescent gifs judder for your delight. It
almost looks like we're having a bad reaction
to the dried frog pills.
http://dainfagerholm.blogspot.co.uk/
>> "Cologne" spelling on Twitter <<
The less-studious denizens of Twitter once
again held up for lols via a particularly
inspired search term.
http://www.sadanduseless.com/2012/04/twitter-colog...
>> 1980s Google search <<
This BBS-styled web search reeks of nostalgia,
like your Dad's cologne.
http://www.masswerk.at/googleBBS/
>> Not official merch <<
Eye-opening array of faux products that range
from cheapo rip-offs, through cheeky parodies
to creepy fan-art. It surprised us just how
often the Black Flag logo has been co-opted.
http://notofficialmerch.tumblr.com/
>> Tattoo Glasses <<
For too many years, speccy gits have had to
suffer under the stereotype that they are
somehow more intelligent than their
full-visioned peers. This guy thinks he may
have the solution.
http://bit.ly/HYYrvu
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like animated gifs with sound
* HOT GIRLS HAVE PROBLEMS TOO - worth it for
the chorus, "we're just like you, but we're
hot." Beautifully flat singing - is this the
new Rebecca Black?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
Also worth watching is this pisstakey cover
that's actually quite listenable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* 10 BEST PRACTICAL JOKES - here's some ideas
to make people utterly hate you. BTW: Other
classics they missed are 1. Advertise your
boss's job in the newspaper and 2. Covering the
loo seat with clingfilm.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* IF DISNEY MADE JAWS - hopefully followed by
If David Cronenberg directed E.T.
http://bit.ly/HZ28RJ
* DOUBLE-OH JAMES BOND SUPER CUT - made us feel
quite mad watching it. Maybe someone should do
one with BBC presenters saying the 'slash' bit
from the URLS they read out. SLASH SLASH SLASH
would be quite psychotic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Double_Oh
* CAT ALARM CLOCK - who says cats can't use
tools? Reminds us of an old cat of ours that
would walk up and down the piano until we fed
him.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_alarm_clock
* TERRIFIED CHILD CHASED BY CHICKENS - scared
kids is comedy 101, assuming the thing they are
scared of isn't actually dangerous. Kids scared
of chainsaw dad = not funny. Kids scared of
lipstick = funny. Maybe.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Just_drop_the_food_alrea...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Gyno lols
Grandmasterfluffles writes, "I know you're sick
of the Funny Name Corner, but this is a really
good one! My gynaecologist's examining table
was made by this company."
http://bit.ly/J1Zn23
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: FRIDAY GAME
New Spectrum game! Blimey. Are we Crash! now?
joefish writes, "Celebrate 30 splendiferous
years of the ZX Spectrum by stoking up an
emulator (ZXSpin, or FUSE if you're Linuxed)
and playing my new Speccy game Buzzsaw+, wot
does things with colours that Speccies aren't
supposed to do. Winner of World of Spectrum's
game-of-the-year poll - which may not sound
much but there were over 100 new titles
released for the Speccy last year alone."
http://www.worldofspectrum.org/infoseekid.cgi
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Swashbuckling, Cycling, Shorter Titanic
>> Chop Chop <<
"A dramatic rescue is in progress," explains
Bewley. Cracking bit of animated derring-do and
Bewley promises more to come.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chop_Chop
>> A Film About Cycling and Bicycle Pumps <<
"One of my personal favourites this one,"
writes Sheep! of this startlingly
slapstick-laden journey, armed with just a
bike and a foot-pump.
http://bit.ly/IDz7rx
>> JACK! ROSE! JACK! ROSE! <<
"Well, fuck me like one of your French girls,
I've shortened that sodding epic Titanic film!"
brags woahbot. Essential viewing for anyone
baffled what April 15th was all about.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/JACK_ROSE_JACK_ROSE
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Hoax Challenge
Last week we wanted you to create new
hoaxes
Your favourites included:
* ELITE - old school gaming craft Cobra
MKIII in media-clash with animated gif
(Bryan Damage)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10742969
* MONSTER: close-up of Nessie reveals
long-necked African beastie import
(mcmike)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10742536
* LUNAR: king of rock 'n roll in
supermarket tabloid goldmine bonanza
(c@bbage)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10743462
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/Hoax/
>> New challenge: Superheroes at Home <<
What do superheroes and supervillains get
up to when they're at home, relaxing from
their superhero and supervillain day
jobs? Show us, using Photoshop's black
arts. Challenge suggested by Sipowicz
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/superheroes/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* DAILY MAIL NOTICES KNOB AND BOLLOCKS AMAZON
STORY - we quite enjoyed watching this spread.
First from an email to us, then propagated via
twitter & b3ta. We can't actually read the DM
story though as we've DNS-blocked it. HA. Stick
it to the man.
http://t.co/WTSK5fI3
* TIGER WOODS GLITCH - robertvaliant writes,
"Regarding the game glitch video in the
newsletter and reference to the Tiger Woods
one; You probably know this but a while back EA
made an ad in response to someone ribbing them
about it." Nice. This is how you do it
advertising people - run with the jokes, don't
run from them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
This section is always tricky to fill so this
week we'll mention some real-world problems
your newsletter staff have been dealing with
today:
* TOILETS THAT DON'T BLOCK - why hasn't science
stuck some kind of grinder in the bowl that
makes your big, meaty poos into a fine shitty
paste that'll flush easily? Preferably one that
we'll never have to clean.
* A DEVICE TO KEEP TODDLERS SLEEPING BEYOND
5:30AM - maybe drugs? Or a cosh to the head?
* FREELANCING THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FAT -
sitting on a laptop in the kitchen with a
fridge full of cheese and yogurt - oh so
tempting.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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: SPONSOR B3TA
Please consider B3ta for pimping your
advertising stuff. We won't make your brand
look shit or smell like piss.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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Friends:) [email protected]
Once friends:( [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
@Treiziemesalope, @prescriptionart,
@executiverocker, Enzyme, fluffybunnykiller,
Turquoise Hexagon Sun, richryan76, @DFLamont,
Pig Bodine, sinisterduck, Emperor Lrrr. Image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Top tips by Natrix, Ginger Fuhrer
Subjlols via Drimble.
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TOP TIP:
Win the lottery. By not buying a ticket.
Win arguments on the internet by walking away.
"Strange game", says Siri, "The only winning
move is not to play."
