NEWSLETTER: "BROGRAMMERS: CODERS WHO LOVE BRO-JOBS"
This Week:
* FACEBOOK - On its way out?
* LAST BLOOD - Rambo/Spectrum tribute
* TOILETS - your surprising opinions
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're injecting heroin
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | into our toes to keep
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| warm... together"
B3ta email 526 - 27 Apr 2012
Read this issue doing an impersonation of Siri:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue526
Subs : [email protected]
Blubs : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
30m of ethernet cable for three quid
This week we've finally tackled making the
internet work properly on the TV. The wireless
was too iffy and, whatever we tried, those
magic plugs and repeaters couldn't get a
reliable signal. So we thought fuck it, bought
30m of cable and used cable clips to make it
follow the skirting board. Wish we'd done it
years ago. We can now do all the cool modern
stuff like controlling the telly from our iPad
(via Boxee) and streaming movies from our NAS
box. Fuck yeah. It's like living in 2009.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000IAHNR...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Buy some ads so we don't have to pimp ethernet
cable. FFS.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Facebook, Fish, Wanking and Politics
>> Facebook is killing itself <<
"Does every website, corporation, institution
or even pan-global empire eventually collapse
under the weight of its own arrogance?" asks
Dan Bull. "I made a rap song full of easter
eggs, with the help of fellow B3tan null. Now
I'm trying to get it into the charts."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Facebook_is_killing_itse...
>> The Abyssal Zone: Nature's lava lamp <<
"I have spent the last few weeks painstakingly
cutting up footage of scary-looking fish from
Blue Planet," confesses video-fishmonger Mr
Eraserhead. "This is the result."
http://bit.ly/Iw5jyE
>> Base Wanking <<
"I made a new thing with butters innit dude!"
exclaims Joel Veitch. "It's a celebration of
the glory that is Base Wanking, and it's also
the rudest and most juvenile animation in the
history of man." You've been warned.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Base_Wanking
>> Ian Bowler's Electile Dysfuntion Ep 3 <<
"Right-wing dogsbody and mayoral candidate Sir
Ian deals with setbacks on the campaign trail
in a typically dignified and restrained way,"
writes alter-ego Natt Tapley. NSFW some swears.
http://bit.ly/JK78v3
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: YOUR THOUGHTS ON TOILET MACERATORS
They chop up your poo and go whrrr!
* NOISY - "They chopped the poos down into a
pulp and sounded like a chainsaw, couldn't use
it at night because it woke everyone up. Never
remember it blocking, however!"
* FIRE - krang writes, "My girlfriend had one
at her rented house. I did a really big poo
that it couldn't handle and it caught fire.
The fire brigade turned up and everything. I
didn't tell them what had caused the fire."
* SPEW - sanity challenged writes, "We had one
where I used to work. Unfortunately the dream
of having one you'll never need to clean is
short-lived - it wasn't long before the thing
regularly blocked up, spewing ground-up waste
back into the bowl. And this was in a shop
full of ladies who were slightly phobic of
pooing in public, so it was only dealing with
loo roll. Manly mega-dumps may make it
explode."
BTW: The general use of a macerator isn't to
flush big poos but to allow a toilet to be
fitted in a room with only a narrow drain.
Popular in guesthouses and crappy flat
conversions.
BTW2: Bela Lugosi's Dad recommends, "Can't
help with your chod-churning issues but I
can't recommend Harpic Power Plus toilet
cleaner highly enough. I bought it to clean
under the rim but it decimates panslime like
nothing I've seen, you don't have to do any
more. And you can get it in Poundland. I'm so
alone."
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Sporting Woe
We asked for your memories of organised sport,
mostly to see if it was as bad for you as was
for us. It was. Read on:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sports/
* MAGNET CHICKEN - "Working at the local tip
over one summer we invented MAGNET CHICKEN.
The rules are simple, climb inside an empty
skip and take it in turn to throw magnets at
one another. Your average tip is lousy with
discarded stereos; a swift toecap to the
speakers yields a collection of magnets. As
your empty skip is basically a 5m long steel
corridor, a thrown magnet will veer off and
stick to the wall with a wonderful 'SPANG'
noise. The aim of the game is to see how hard
you dare to throw a magnet at your friend. So
I tossed the first magnet, pitifully it
slammed into the left wall whole feet away
from my opponent. He retaliated by overarm
bowling a 3lb monster from a car subwoofer at
me at lightning speed. 'WANN-NNG!' the whole
skip reverberated as this thing slammed into
the wall next to my head, missing my eye by
millimetres. "You cunt, have some of... THIS!"
I replied wrenching the magnet from the skip
and hurling it back at him. My cack-
handedness resulted in the magnet clearing the
top of the skip and landing out of sight with
an almighty reverberating KER-SPANG. Leaping
out of the skip we were confronted by a
horrifying sight. A middle-aged man,
pale-faced and shaking with terror was frozen
to the spot, halfway through removing an oven
from his boot. An oven with a crater-sized
dent in it, centered around a speaker magnet."
(willenium)
* REVENGE - "The Kids Who Were Shit At Sports
had to set athletics stuff up for the Kids Who
Were Good At Sports. So we used to make all
the hurdles different heights, and random
distances apart. It was fun to watch from the
sides." (Pope Shax IX)
* 'LYMPICS - "The Paralympics is PE gone mad."
(browser)
>> This Week - Morning After Souvenirs <<
Woken up clutching something you've no memory
of obtaining, let alone what it is? Talk
through the hangover here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/morningaftersouvenirs/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Make any website 3D <<
Creative abuse of CSS lets you render most
websites as a disorientating cluster of
hovering rectangles. And they want to eat your
eyes.
http://www.edankwan.com/lab/3dit
>> Logical fallacy poster <<
A handy giant-sized poster, to help you win
all internet arguments. Or at least a handy
reference as to why they leave you so annoyed.
http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/poster
>> American Civil War photos <<
Fascinating collection of mid 19th-century
photos detailing people and places of the
American Civil War.
http://bit.ly/A3goLb
>> Fake identity generator <<
Slightly sinister site that randomly creates
new personal details for filling out forms
anonymously.
http://www.fakenamegenerator.com/
>> Read Korean in 15 minutes! <<
Comic strip talks you through the deceptively
simple Korean alphabet.
http://ryanestradadotcom.tumblr.com/post/204612679...
>> Nyan Waites <<
Does what it says on the tin.
http://nyanwaits.com/
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: HOW TO MAKE TODDLERS SLEEP
Your tips shared
* TIN FOIL - Ndusting writes, "Kids can and will
sleep past 05:30 but the room needs to be
blacked out. In Spain we have true blackout
blinds; otherwise they will wake as soon as
there's any light. One trick we used at my
in-laws place on the coast; tin foil on the
windows does the same job. My brother in law
took the piss... until the following morning
when they were up again at 05:00 and we slept
until 07:30."
* SPECIAL ALARM CLOCK - [Name lost] recommends
a this awesome alarm clock that trains your
children to stay in bed by displaying a moon
at night and a sun in the day. MOON MEANS
SLEEP. LEARN IT CHILD PIGEON.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002APJCN...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a video tape but using internet
>> Wolverhampton tourism 1972 <<
Got a time machine but no money? Why not
vacation in the scenic Black Country town
known as 'the Venice of the Midlands'.
Wonderful archive footage. BTW: Make sure you
check out other John Swallow vids on the
archive - legendary and amusing Midlands
reporter.
http://bit.ly/lRCjuv
>> Ain't Nobody Got Time For That <<
Sweet Brown's house burning down earlier this
month was a real bonanza for the internet's
lolmongers. Here's her amazing interview
autotuned into something quite extraordinarily
catchy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "Say no to unplanned pregnancy" <<
Another amazing ad, from the team that brought
you Chuck Testa. Hilarious and knowing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/say_no_to_unplanned_preg...
>> Tactical gameshow move or madness? <<
Tense showdown at the end of supercomplex game
show Golden Balls. It's basically the
Prisoner's Dilemma, where both contestants try
to predict the other's move - then one takes
matters into his own hands. Action starts at
2:35.
http://bit.ly/Ih34C3
>> Flying geometry <<
Crazy, rotating shape propels itself by
flipping inside out, like the hovering Rubik's
Snake from our anxiety dream last night.
http://bit.ly/HVsZP4
>> Brilliant YouTube comment <<
Much, much funnier than it sounds. Bloke
creases up as he reads out a message from a
fan, whose abuse of English borders on genius.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_Laughs_at_Youtube_Co...
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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
Des'ree and her shit lyrics
Des'ree once sang "I don't want to see a ghost
/ It's a sight that I fear most / I'd rather
have a piece of toast." A rhyme so notoriously
banal that few have forgotten it. Including
this newly created parody account featuring
such delights as "Murdoch is quite an old man.
He's not young like that Gok Wan. Listening to
Duran Duran. Missing Madeleine McCann."
https://twitter.com/desree_life
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: FRIDAY GAMEY GAME TIME
Rambo's Last Blood
Celebrating 30 years of Sinclair Spectrum this
week with this experimental sequel to Rambo:
First Blood (which was basically a remake of
Commando). Here Rambo dies and attempts to
atone for the pain he's caused, by hugging
the souls of the dead.
http://www.javidpower.com/lastblood/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Superheroes Challenge
Last week we wanted you to create new
hoaxes
Your favourites included:
* HELL - life hasn't been the same for Anung
Un Rama since he moved the family to Peckham
(ham o' shanter)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10750384
* PUSSY: takes a back seat
after an unpleasant visit to the vet (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10749273
* ARMED: in which Dr. Otto Gunther Octavius
packs the shopping in near- record time
(HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10748108
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/superheroes/
>> New challenge: Disappointment <<
What form does it take? What causes it? This
week's challenge is to show us what
disappointment looks like.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/disappointment/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ORDINARY DAY FOR CHARITY - All that jumping
out of planes and marathons dressed as a cow?
Foolish, wasted effort, according to
Mushybees. Watch his pitch here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* PURPLESTOCK II - Professor Kenny Martin
writes, "I'm running Purplestock again this
year; the charity gig that I started in memory of
Jess. This year's is on May the 5th, in Derby.
Is there any chance of a mention in next
week's newsletter please?"
http://www.purplestock.co.uk
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include... Ah fuck
it, here's some thoughts about e-paper.
* E-WALLPAPER - imagine Kindle screen
electronic paper all over your wall. You could
change your wallpaper with an app. Or change
your friends' wallpaper to cocks and alter the
password.
* E-PAPER KINDLE COVERS - imagine if your
electronic books actually broadcast via the
cover what you were reading?
* E-INK TATTOOS - why even have a Kindle when
you could read Pride & Prejudice on your e-ink
tattooed penis? Genius UI - If you need big
print then just get an erection.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Friends: [email protected]
Twats: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @TomChivers,
mitsusproogi, Fadgebadger, TheTrampSurveyor,
@editorialgirl, @viralfactory, @blanalive,
@seth_weisfeld, WiL, unclepills, Smale, jams,
@GigerPunk, @The_Tonks Image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols inspired by @DanielKelly84.
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TOP TIP:
Convince people you own an iPhone by ending
all of your emails with the line: Sent from my
iPhone. (Woodlouse)
