NEWSLETTER: "AMAZING NEW FACEBOOK FEATURE - HIT ALT-F4 TO SEE!"
This Week:
* SONG - Internet Microcelebrity
* QUESTION - How to survive the apocalypse
* IMAGES - North Korea rules the UK
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're crashing the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 534 - 22nd June 2012
Read this issue whilst sobbing about your life:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue534
Friends : [email protected]
Bastards : [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 1/2
Microcelebrity, London, Greybloke
>> Internet Microcelebrity <<
Part II of the your Ginger Fuhrer's existental
musical about being trapped by technology is
here for your delight. If you hate it then la
la la we're not listening because you're utterly
wrong and the only correct response is love.
Animation by @Peepholecircus and musical sugar
added by @superpowerless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> 20 Gigapixels of central London <<
"I recently got the opportunity to go up a tower
in central London that was in the process of being
refurbished," writes wjh31. "So I took 2,500 photos
and stitched them together into a pair of panoramas."
As you do. Apparently, there might be NSFW activity
going on in some of the little buildings - a small
prize if you spot any.
http://lifeinmegapixels.com/blog/2012/06/london-in...
>> Greybloke's hot celebrity goss <<
"I'm doing celeb goss now, like Perez Hiltonian
or someone," claims somegreybloke.
http://bit.ly/MJyWyj
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If the Jimmy Carr tax stuff worries you then
please read Treasure Islands. The problem is
bigger than a few celebs.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/009954172...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The Apocalypse
Last week we asked how you'd survived pathetic
inconveniences, but got proper, serious disaster
stories. Go read Ken Oath's bush fire story.
And then Que's flood story. And never complain
again:
http://b3ta.com/questions/apocalypse/
* SAFE - "2008 was a very exiting and fearful
time of e-books, a black guy in charge of America
and the Large Hadron Collider worrying at the
fabric of the universe. Speculation was agasp
at how it could either revolutionise science or
create the most destructive force in the universe
- a BLACK HOLE. My father was busy in the back
garden of his house and after twenty minutes of
banging he called me into the garden with a cry
of childish glee. "You know that black hole that
might happen? I've made something to stop us
getting sucked into oblivion." My mother looked
at me and shook her head sadly. "Go on then,"
I said. My father lead me to at small, cleared
patch into which, ladies and gentlemen, he'd
hammered a tent peg with a piece of nylon string
attached. I was that gobsmacked that I forgot
to ask why it had taken him twenty minutes of
banging to make it." (shake'n'bake)
* FIRE - "When I was about four years old, my
mother set fire to the kitchen. She was like
that. This was the 1960s, and our kitchen had
these futuristic, new polystyrene tiles on the
ceiling - and we quickly discovered why they
are no longer recommended for kitchens, as
droplets of toxic, burning sludge rained down
from the merrily-blazing ceiling. So I'm four
years old, staring down the hall at the raging
inferno that had been our kitchen mere moments
before. Determinedly, I trotted out into the
front garden, scooped up a handful of snow,
returned to the hall and tossed a toddler's-
hand-sized snowball into the flames. Satisfied
that the crisis had now been averted, I returned
to the lounge to read comics." (moon monkey)
* RAFT - "My better half is a great fan of
disaster films. Unfortunately she also tends
to get drawn into them and forget that Hollywood
has a habit of exaggerating physical laws as
well as just plain making shit up. In the past
six months, as a direct result of her seeing
numerous films in which the world nearly ends,
she has requested the following modifications
to the house: A large fireplace, A basement,
an electrical generator, a reinforced roof,
a fuel storage tank, a water storage tank
independent of the main supply, a solid fuel
stove and - my absolute favourite - a fucking
raft. We live in a smallish two-up two-down
terraced house on the outskirts of Derbyshire."
(Munsta)
>> This Week - Clubs, Gangs & Societies <<
What have you joined? Was it awesome like
Eyes Wide Shut, or scary and freaky like,
erm, Eyes Wide Shut? Tell us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/clubsandgangs/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Worst of OK Cupid <<
A succulent selection of the very worst that
internet dating has to offer. From poorly-chosen
tattoos, through rape jokes to actual sex
offenders. Makes us glad cut off our penis
years ago and now only date robots.
http://www.okcenemies.com/
>> Kids book movie scenes <<
Pixar artist creates a whole book's worth of
famous movie scenes as if they were a children's
storybook from the 60s. Don't leave your kids
with him.
http://imgur.com/a/SS6V5#0
>> Faith-restoring pictures <<
Gallery of life-affirming stories that will
either have you bawling like a child or
wretching like a curmudgeonly cat.
http://is.gd/g0bu2V
>> The Great Tower for London <<
Here's a scan of the bat-shit crazy designs
the Victorians proposed for a Great Tower for
London. Why? Because Paris just got the Eiffel
Tower and we had to do bigger and better. Our
fave is #6, with the spiral steam rain driving
up the side. What happened in the end? We got
discouraged and gave up - oh, London, don't
ever change!
http://bit.ly/KYaeGk
>> Crap Jokes <<
Keep pushing the button for another sweet, sweet
hit of Viz Crap Joke, like a rat on seratonin.
http://www.viz.co.uk/crapjokes.html
>> Making 'glass' crisps <<
Cook your own potato crisps that look, amazingly,
as if they've been carved from broken glass! Are
they delicious? Who cares - crisps made of glass!
http://www.instructables.com/id/Glass-Potato-Chips...
>> Jim Davidson's blog highlights <<
Selected excerpts from the personal journal of
bitter, old-school comedian Jim Davidson. It's
like the Daily Mail turned off their spell check.
http://bit.ly/KYs940
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like long animated GIFS with sound
>> Surface crash <<
Press launch for Microsoft's iPad-killing
Surface and the damn thing crashes. Hard no
to feel a twinge of empathy for the poor
presenter, as his voice wavers and he tries
to conceal the frozen screen. Cripes.
http://youtu.be/N1zxDa3t0fg
>> Bird call interrupter <<
Surreal intervention in golf interview, as a
man pops up and makes a noise like a peacock.
To raise awareness, or something.
http://bit.ly/PdBqW3
>> China news thinks fleshlight is mushroom <<
News report on a "strange, meaty plant",
discovered by Chinese villagers digging a
well. An odd mix of smiling at the naivety
and boggling at the wild array of fake facts
they produce to back it up. Or maybe the
Chinese are making their own version of
Brass Eye?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the North Korean Challenge
Last week we wanted you to picture the UK
under North Korean leadership
Your favourites included:
* SMUG: familiar figure takes breakfast as
missile launcher dominates
background (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10788480
* UPLIFT: the DPRKUK's new class system,
explained via the medium of sixties
comedy sketch (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10791720
* SEASIDE: Kim Jong-un visits Skegness
and finds it very much to his liking
(E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10790924
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/northkorea-uk/
>> New challenge: Animal Art <<
Everyone loves helicopter cat. Damian
Hirst's shark is a modern classic. Show
us how all art would be better if it
featured an animal. Challenge suggested
by monkeon.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalart/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 2/2
Pedos, Tits & babies. Errk!?
>> Pedo Remix <<
"Just a little I made for Vice," writes smearballs,
flexing his schtick of repeating and manipulating
the most shocking of subject matter into catchy
jingles.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pedo_Remix_I_made_for_Vi...
>> Tits <<
"My new animation tells the story of how women
want us to see them," opines Koit. "I made this
using science." Needless to say NSFW.
http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/tits.php
>> Famous movie screamalong baby <<
"Just a bit of Monday fun...... Fonday....."
burbles BoogalooShrimp. Why this is a thing we
do not know. But exist it does. And amazing it is.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Baby_Wilhelm_Scream
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SHED OR DEAD - "It's nearly over for another
year; just the final judging to do. Some
brilliant sheds that are a bit off the wall
this year in the final." writes unclewilco.
Highlights include:
http://bit.ly/KZ93Z7
* VHS ART - SauronWibble writes, "In response
to Nilbert asking what to do with old VHS
tapes, check out this guys artwork, looks
pretty cool."
http://bit.ly/MENCez
* SINGING FUN - edblunt writes, "Re Sunday
morning communal singing: every so often
I play piano for the 'School of Life'
Sunday lectures in the Conway Hall.
Starts off with a raucous singalong or
two, followed by an interesting talk by a
guest speaker. Past classics include Don't
Stop Me Now, Eye of the Tiger..."
http://www.theschooloflife.com
* B3TA JINGLE - skeltonator writes, "Hi guys!
Remember the Jingle writer???? The one from
the newsletter? Well I decided to get in
touch with him and persuaded him to do a
Jingle for B3TA. Now we have our very own
Jingle! I present to you THE B3TA jingle.
By Peter Modern. HOORAY!!! It is a truly
wonderful piece of work!!! He sent me the
cd in the post! Awesome!" Please remix this
now - it's just so good.
http://soundcloud.com/jake-skelton/01-b3ta-jingle
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A WAY OF MAKING YOUR PENIS NOT HURT - say if
you've been left alone in the house all day
and had about 8 wanks.
* A SMALL, ADDITIONAL TOILET FOR FLUSHING SNOT -
and we don't mean sexy snot after the 8 wanks.
* A WAY OF CHANGING OUR DNA - apparently we've
been leaving around rather a lot of 'evidence'
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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WANK BANK: [email protected]
BANK WANK: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via mozza,
disco_doctor, GubbinsMctavish, UltimateMonkey,
Shazzoir, samthesuperfurryanimal, nikjohns,
cactonucleopticalfrompadeenick, @fazalkhan.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Rob Leese Jones
Top tip by Commander_billybops.
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TOP TIP: Technophiles! A Microsoft Surface
tablet will go really well with your Zune player.
