NEWSLETTER: "LESS CORRUPT THAN YOUR AVERAGE BANK BUT MORE LIKELY TO BE JAILED"
This Week:
* QUESTION - Tell us your recipes
* BATMAN - on home-made bike
* DALEKS - invade Newcastle
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Calling people named
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Graham 'Grey Ham'
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| until they hit us"
B3ta email 535 - 29 June 2012
Get Siri to read this issue whilst you masturbate:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue535
SubSub : [email protected]
The Doves : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Martina Navratilova leers at girl photo
With a picture we've looked at 5 times and are
still giggling about, you now have the chance
to own your very own copy of famous tennis
lesbian Martina Navratilova having a good old
butchers up a ball girl's skirt. NSFWish.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001NHBCL...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than makin' lurrve via animated GIFs
>> Terry Wogan's Sexy Birthday <<
"Ladies and Gentlemen," begins Butters. "There
is a fine line between caricature and
harassment..." See a line being crossed:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terry_Wogans_Sexy_Birthd...
>> Newcastle rain Daleks <<
Swiftly on the scene of the Newcastle floods,
Breaker of Laptops has discovered that it was
all masterminded by none other than the Daleks.
http://b3ta.com/links/Quick_n_dirty_newcastle_dale...
>> Isle of Spagg <<
"Here is something what we have made," writes
Myles McLeod. "A half-hour animated TV pilot
called Isle of Spagg." Wow, it's a whole,
proper show, with plot and everything - like
Balamory meets Portland Bill, directed by
David Lynch.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_whole_half_hour_of_Isl...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Clubs, Gangs & Societies
We wanted your stories of joining in and being
sociable. You know, with other people who are
in the same room? Madness:
http://b3ta.com/questions/clubsandgangs/
* MOONCAKE - "My best friend from University
left the Roman Catholic church but clearly
needed to fill the spiritual void: he tried
Freemasons, Martinists, even the Scientologists.
But what really drew him in was the Ancient
and Mystical Order of the Rosy Cross - The
Rosicrucians. Dedicated to uncovering the
mysteries of the universe through ritual,
chanting, meditation and the reading of long
monographs about astral travel, they are completely
bonkers but seemed harmless enough. He was
crapping on about the day's chanting and Ancient
Egyptian symbolism, when suddenly I heard the
phrase "vestal virgins." "Are you joking? You
don't have vestal virgins do you?" He insisted
that they did - 12-year-old girls in white robes
who assisted at the rituals. "Yeah, they're
children of lodge members," said my friend, "so
it's not like there's anything dodgy going on."
Except... for the ritual of the mooncake. This
is a piece of dough that is scattered with
menstrual blood, baked and then eaten. It
symbolises... oh Christ, I don't care what it
symbolises. But where do they get the menstrual
blood from? The vestal virgins. Can you imagine
being twelve, having your first period, and your
parents asking you to collect it in an egg cup
because they want to do a bit of baking? Honestly,
this is the sort of thing that makes Christianity
and Islam look almost sane." (Mr Mann)
* BAT. IT'S A BAT - "One place I worked at had
a 'cricket club'. After work, on Wednesdays,
we would meet up for 'cricket practice.' In
a pub. And the best thing about it was we never,
ever, played cricket - or even spoke about it."
(minimalist)
* AND FINALLY - "I once almost joined a club
that used to dress up in giant penis costumes
every Saturday, but I didn't. I wouldn't want
to join any club that would have someone like
me for a memb-OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE." (Ellinikos)
>> This Week - The B3ta Cookbook <<
We're bored of beans on toast. Pretend you're
on Pinterest and share your cooking tips and
recipes, or tell us about the inedible shit
you once made whilst drunk:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cookbook/
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: CHARITY APPEAL
Help Sophie - a 2-year-old girl with cancer
Ruth and Andrew Roberts write:
"We're desperately trying to raise funds for
a live-saving operation for our two-year-old
daughter, who has a rare form of cancer.
Doctors have told us the only option for her
is surgery in the US at a cost of £230,000,
and we only have 17 days in which to raise
it. Anything you could do to help us
increase awareness of our appeal will be
incredibly helpful."
http://www.sophierobertsstory.com/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> 50 Sheds Of Grey <<
Yes, the joke is in the title, but still - ha.
BTW: We attempted to read this book (well the
freebie 1st chapter on Kindle) and lumme is it
bad. We despair for the intelligence of our
fellow humans if this is the twaddle that can
sell a million copies. It's slash fiction
quality stuff.
https://twitter.com/#!/50shedsofgrey
>> Intolerable flatmates seek other <<
"I've been looking for a room recently, but
then I saw this advert and decided to stab
myself in the face instead," writes
thisplaceisazoo. Increasingly, bafflingly
pretentious as it goes on.
http://www.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare/london/streat...
>> A cartoonist's musings from his sickbed <<
Long, morbid, but brilliant. Also, being ill
in the US, without insurance, sounds utterly
terrifying. Thank goodness the NHS will be
around forever.
http://www.gabbysplayhouse.com/wp-content/sick/sic...
>> Hate your boss, hungover, taking drugs? <<
A constantly-updating wall of shame, featuring
people who don't know enough to hide their
illicit activities from the Facebook-reading
public. Dolts. Still, if you want to get
some weed, it's a handy list of who to
friend on Facebook.
http://www.weknowwhatyouredoing.com/
>> Animal footprint shoes <<
Do your rob houses? If you do these are
definitely for you. Also, walk backwards so
it looks like the animal is breaking *out*
of the building. Also maybe someone wants
to make gloves that leave the thumbprints
of owls?
http://bit.ly/MA4oiL
>> "Pulp Fiction" in chronological order <<
Handy reference chart, to keep the Tarantino
classic's timeline straight while you watch it
for the 167th time. A thing of graphic
designery beauty.
http://bit.ly/KGRcbN
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but the Radio Times is some shitty email
>> Home-made Bat-cycle <<
Man makes his own Bat-vehicle and runs through
the streets of Cambridge, shouting "Neeeeerh!"
Christopher Nolan, are you watching? This is
what the internet wants. Although, knowing the
internet, "want" doesn't mean "will pay for".
http://b3ta.com/links/Awesome:7
>> The Star Wars That I Used to Know <<
You'll never get a blu-ray of the Star Wars
that you used to know. Genuinely heartfelt
lament about George Lucas's ongoing fiddling
with his sextology. And we don't even *like*
Star Wars.
http://goo.gl/fzQwl
>> invade ALL OF THE humans!!! <<
Hostile alien robots lay musical claim to the
planet Earth. Or at least as much as they can
reach. Delightful.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/invade_ALL_OF_THE_humans
>> Katy Perry death metal <<
Revoicing popular music with the guttural
sounds of the undead is a comedy meme that will
run and run - and surprisingly sexy in this
case. "Give it to me, B3ta staff," rumbled
Katy Perry, like a bear gargling acid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Breakfast geometry magic <<
Confound your breakfast companions by rendering
your bagel into a geometrical object of wonder.
Then turn their toast into möbius strips so it
takes them infinitely long to cover in jam.
http://youtu.be/dN8AwGUaqDA
>> "Gaseous Anomalies" <<
Star Trek farts. That's probably all you need
to know to get you frenziedly clicking.
http://bit.ly/NWiNH6
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
OK it's a goatse thing rather than a name
Alan, who is 29 years old, writes, "I couldn't
quite believe what I was seeing when this
passed by my kitchen window. So I googled it.
It is a bus."
http://bit.ly/NJEnep
PS: New rule. Everyone who writes to us should
tell us their age.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Animal Art Challenge
Last week we wanted you to add animals
to art
Your favourites included:
* SUPPER: Italian Renaissance polymath meets
the Muppets (ferrt)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10794202
* MEOW: Italian Renaissance polymath
meets the Vitruvian Cat (1.618…)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10795438
* NUDE: dramatic prairie dog enjoys
life-modelling class (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10794840
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalart/
>> New challenge: Alternate Inventors <<
Alternate inventors: what would it have
been like if Stevie Wonder invented
binoculars or if Laurel & Hardy invented
the atomic bomb? Show us the results and
let hilarity ensue. Challenge suggested
by Claude Speed
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/inventors/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CHANGE YOUR DNA - SandettieLVA writes, "Re:
Changing your DNA. The most likely method
is bone marrow transplant. Some sources say
that bone marrow does not have any effect,
whereas some other sources, including New
Scientist and an episode of The Bill, claim
it does. Some blood tests show altered DNA
results whereas, in the UK, they use cheek
swabs, which remain true. So, if you're
planning on being a bit naughty it's best
to go do it in a country that tests DNA
using blood samples."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
This week (as this section is tricky to fill)
we're going to mention some political stuff
that's buzzing in our head:
* FREE LAWYERS - we have free schools, free
health-care (OK maybe not for long), but
it would be fucking handy, and a fairer
world, if legal advice and representation
were available without cost to everyone
rather than only to those with big purses
stuffed with goblin gold.
* A MASSIVE, OPEN PUBLIC ENQUIRY - into
regulatory capture of Government via
finance and business.
* A SOLUTION TO PUBLIC OBESITY - we walked
down our local high street the other day
and noticed that everyone appeared to have
fat tummies & a mouth full of food. We saw
a fat woman with a 800kcal Starbucks
pudding-in-a-cup drink, driving a car. What
is the solution? Regulation of crappy food?
Education? Make exercise mandatory in
schools and work places? All three? Other?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Lovely souls : [email protected]
Hateful fucks: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by UHMUHRAKA!
@alnapp, ‏@prodigy_69, taters, @trink_uk,
Stashie, dirtyscarab, buffet_the_appetite_slayer,
Dawn Of The Bread.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tips via sandettie light vessel automatic.
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TOP TIP:
Make people think you are over 45 by making a
growling noise when you sit down, stand up or
bend down to pick something up.
