NEWSLETTER: "DAVID CAMERON IS NOW FOLLOWING YOU ON TWITTER!"
This Week:
* ART ATTACK - How to draw a willy
* AMAZON TAT - More junk with stupid reviews
* DONATE - For the return of Great Giana Sisters
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We are lucky cows,
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | we surf the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| and browse"
B3ta email 543 - 24th Aug 2012
Read this issue backwards and summon Satan:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue543
VR helmet : [email protected]
Glans helmet : [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Pups, 'saurs & cabinets
>> Puppy Bot <<
"Puppy Bot is cute in a gruesome kind of way,"
claims weebl. We contend that it's gruesome, in
a cute kind of way.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Puppy_Bot
>> Dinosaurs <<
"I made this video about dinosaurs. Can you
deal with it please? Make loads of people watch
it," pleads George Cottier. Watch it - you'll
learn something.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Modern retro arcade <<
If you're a gaming geek with a bent for
tasteful, modernist design then this could be
right up your street.. "Thought it might be of
interest to your readership?" inquires Tom
Goodfellow. "Or maybe you'd like to buy it (;"
http://tom-goodfellow.tumblr.com/
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: AMAZON TAT
More "comedy" reviews for "lol" products
* BIRO FOR GIRLS - Best review? "Oh. My. God.
I've been doing it all wrong. There was me
thinking I didn't need to worry about whether
my writing implement sufficiently reflected my
gender. Thank you so much Bic for showing me
the error of my ways"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004FTGJU...
* BANANA SLICER - Best review? "I cut a banana
with a knife yesterday and I felt so worn out
and lethargic."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001F5STWU/...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Foot in Mouth
Last week we asked you about those times when
you've opened your mouth without engaging your
brain. Social and workplace embarrassment ahoy!
http://b3ta.com/questions/footinmouthtwo/
* SUFFER THE CHILDREN - I was chatting to the
female half of a nice young professional couple
who had just moved in next door. She had taken
in a parcel for me and I was reclaiming it,
trying to act like a normal person - chit chat
and not being a complete tit, that sort of
thing. I was apologising in advance for the
amount of noise that our two kids make, trying
to make it sound like I was joking, before the
subject moved on to jobs. Her partner was a
surgeon and she worked at Great Ormond Street
Hospital. "Oh right", I trilled, "so you'll be
used to the sound of crying children." (Naich)
* LOL MISOGYNY - Came home from work to tell
the wife that I needed to go to Amsterdam on
business. "You going to bring me back something
nice?", she asked. "STD!", I volunteered
brightly. She didn't see the funny side.
(kaptinkurtz)
* WORK IS HELL - I approach someone that I dont
know that well, and go "Have you got this weeks
roster on that computer? Who am I working with
tomorrow?". She goes "It's Fred Bloggs" (name
changed obviously). I roll my eyes and she asks
why. I run blindly into a situation by replying
"Because he's a wanker". She says "Do you know
who he is?" I wince and go "Your husband?" I
was right. And now I have to work with both of
them. ( Kung_Fu_Russ)
>> This week – THE WANK BANK <<
What experiences have you had that you've
stored in your wank bank - share them so we can
start a mutual wanking building society. Send
us your filthy memories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wankbank/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Awkward stock video <<
Collection of the dorkiest, most
weirdly-specific stock video footage. 5 bonus
points if you've ever seen one of these in an
ad. 120 bonus points if you've managed to use
one of them in an ad. An ad you directed.
http://awkwardstockvideo.tumblr.com/archive
>> Sad glans bottom lip <<
People look strangely unhappy, even
disgruntled, when you photoshop the penis out
of a blowjob pic, leaving the glans as the
lower lip. All this is to say: NSFW, with cocks
and such. Don't say you weren't warned. NSFW
NSFW AND AGAIN NSFW!
http://imgur.com/a/cvLfN
>> Dogshaming <<
Badly-behaved mutts on some sort of 12-step
programme. You have to publicly admit the
shameful things you've done.
http://dogshaming.tumblr.com/
>> Solitaire win <<
Find Windows Solitaire takes too long to get to
the good bit? Here's the reward without the
pain.
http://mrdoob.com/lab/javascript/effects/solitaire...
>> 4Chan messes with Mountain Dew <<
The soft drinks brand asked for customers to
suggest and vote for new drinks flavours. Oh
those 4Chan scallywags!
http://bit.ly/Nqaujr
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if your 386sx could play video. Wow!
>> Art Attack: How to draw a cock. <<
There should be a word for the type of video
where the presenter is making something and the
satirist sticks in their own shots of what is
being made. Any ideas?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Art_Attack_How_to_draw_a...
>> iPhone 5 promo vid. <<
Apparently the new iPhone will be most used for
taking shots of food to be shared on social
media. We've just checked our own Facebook feed
for see if the satire is accurate and mostly
got: babies, weddings and really shit "lol"
pictures that make us feel empty despair.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/iphone_5_promo_vid
>> Home decor revenge <<
Little brother messes with big brother's
facebook profile. Payback is merciless,
thorough and extremely pink.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/bedroom_painted_revenge
>> Dog responds to secret code word <<
The unexpected comedy goldmine of training your
friend's dog to respond to a code word. Superb!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dog_responds_to_secret_c...
>> Man-Eater <<
Bloke invents a silly, little game to entertain
people on their daily commute.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_Eater
>> Sock Five <<
Oddly poignant, surreal doings, from long-time
b3tan David Firth.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sock_Five
>> The Revolution Will Be Televised <<
If you watch one BBC comedy this week if should
be this. IF only for the rather brave bit where
the presenters turn up at Tony Blair's house
and try and fit a stained glass window
portraying "Saint Tony." Quite surprised this
show was broadcast to be honest.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00vqgx3
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Not making you smile since 1978
Rushy writes, "Please don't hate me, but it's
something for funny name corner. Basically a
piece on circumcision on males from BBC News.
The source they've chosen to interview? Dr
Marvin Wang of course. I'm sorry. I won't do it
again. I love you."
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-19072761
BTW: We're too lazy to think up a circumciison
joke but if we did it would probably be a
variation on "we do it for the tips" kind of
thing.
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: FRIDAY GAME(s)
Give up & Project Giana plug
>> Give up <<
Portalesque 2D single screen platformer with
~50 increasingly challenging layouts to clear.
We gave up by level 5 and particularly enjoyed
pressing the give up button.
http://armorgames.com/play/13662/give-up
>> Project Giana <<
Craig Robinson of Gp32 / Pandora fame writes,
"I was wondering if you might try to help these
guys? They are trying to raise $150k to
kickstart a new version of the classic The
Great Giana Sisters. I know a lot of the
newsletter readers are classic gamers, so it
seems worth a try."
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/project-giana/...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the British Comic Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
great history of British comics
Your favourites included:
* SMOOTH - click the "I Like This" button
with wild abandon, for it's the Bash
Street Kids, rendered in near-reality
(Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10829035
* CHOKE - Brainy, Blinky, Radar, Snitch,
Cruncher and Cock (viet_donkey_cong)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10829816
* HEROES: those pesky Bash Street Kids
return, and this time they seek justice
(Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10830984
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/british-comics/
>> New challenge: Fictional Tourism <<
Using the mystical power of Photoshop,
create travel brochures encouraging
tourism to fictional lands and cities,
from Narnia to New New York. Challenge
suggested by greg_evigan
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fictional-tourism/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TA PERSON BOOK - "Hi B3ta," writes H. O.
Charles, "A little while ago I wrote to you
about a book I had written, and then I became
so embarrassed by my own naivety and lack of
confidence that I shied away from the publicity
that I had initially sought.
"So with much less trepidation (and the support
of a few positive reviews) I would like to
announce that my first book has been revised
considerably, and it is now 56% less shit. I
have also published two more, plus a novella.
There are a few b3ta references in there (both
in text and image), and a likeness of Smug
Bastard makes a rather medieval appearance in
the second novel.
"The first book is part of a fantasy series
that centres on a love story and a great many
swords. There is a small degree of cheese and a
fair bit of complexity. Anyway, please give it
a go, and if you feel it's deserved, a small
feature in your wonderful newsletter.
"The ebook version is free."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0057XSNG...
* YADDA YADDA PHONE ADVOCACY - Sandettie LVA
writes, "$4.99 is a bit steep for an app to
measure your heart rate, when you can download
'Instant Heart Rate' by Azumio Inc from the
Android Market FOR FREE! You rest your index
finger on the camera lens and it measures
colour changes in the flesh. Or something.
Don't have an Android phone? Serves you right.
Also, Speccies are better than Commodore 64s
and Amigas were superior to Atari STs."
* SIR IAN BOWLER IN EDINBURGH - "Some may like
this. Many may not," writes alter-ego Natt. If
you happen to be taking in the Fringe, keep
your eyes peeled for the Tory corporo-humanoid.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sir_Ian_Bowler_in_Edinbu...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Cats, computers & ads
>> Cute cat movie <<
"Here's a video we made about being caught in a
cat-video viewing cycle," explain hellomums.
"How best to break it?" Is there really any
escape?
http://vimeo.com/47639159
>> Computer party <<
I made a new thing innit," greets Joel Veitch.
"Dave the rabbit decides to throw a computer
party and also reveals his mathematical
innovation."
http://b3ta.com/links/Computer_Party
>> New Birds Eye Fish Fingers advert <<
Clarence the bear takes a minute out of
advertising frozen foods, to flash back to his
Arctic roots. Brutal stuff from HappyToast.
http://bit.ly/NqavDW
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include. Ah fuck
it, this week we'll list some minor tech peeves.
* WIRELESS TECHNOLOGY THAT'S ACTUALLY WIRELESS
- despite Bluetooth, WiFi etc our office is
fucking covered in wires. When will we be free
from this junk?
* FACEBOOK REPLACED BY SOMETHING ELSE - that a.
doesn't spy on you and b. can serve you links
to newspapers which don't broadcast "John has
just read 'Transvestite sought in drugs
investigation'" to all your chums.
* BETTER iPHONE ICONS - Often we're left
hunting for apps on the screen because the
icons are non obvious. Spotify is just some
green blob with no music on it. Worst is the
photos one. A sunflower? Why can't it actually
be one of your recent photos?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sexy time: [email protected]
Unsexy time: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Enzyme, tim,
jellybeanflicker, Melatonin, waz4444, Herb
Alpert's Taxi Driver, ElusiveCamel, dirk
speedrift, Pedantichrist, Dawn Of The Bread,
redrazil, littlefeet, claptonista & MC. Image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. This is issue 543. A special number, as
it's the number of the best bus route in
Wolverhampton. Ride it for the ride of your
life. How many fewer books would the great
authors have written if their typewriters had a
magic button that displayed infinite varieties
of porn?
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TOP TIP:
Trying to work out who keeps stealing your
favourite mug from the office kitchen? Simply
get a tramp to spit in it and keep an eye out
for anyone dying the following week. (MrOli)
