NEWSLETTER: "DIANA'S 15TH ANNIVERSARY CAR CRASH ISSUE. NO LOLS HERE."
* JAVASCRIPT - for cats
* BEST SHOVEL - ever!
* YOUR CAR KEYS - maybe!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Criminalising being
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | poor since 1979"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 544 - 31 Aug 2012
Read this issue pretending to be Chas'n'Dave:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue544
Winners : [email protected]
Wieners : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK (Amazon Tat)
Babystart FertilMate Scrotum Cooling Patch
@tophlammiepie writes, "Your life is missing
these." Sample reviews include: "Just the job
for a sweaty bag." and "Oh, the blessed relief!
For years I have suffered with 'hot scrotum'
syndrome."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003H05LO...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us. We're cheaper
than Ed Miliband's M&S Y-fronts.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Because making stuff is what we do
>> Plane spotting with Black Moon <<
Internet titan Black Moon can easily identify
any sort of plane - observe.
http://b3ta.com/links/Plane_spotting_with_Black_Mo...
>> Never lose your car keys again <<
"I give you - the keycopter!" crows
moviemakeshake. Inventor Michael Wallis shows
off his brand new invention.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Graphical spoiler alert <<
"I have started a blog where I'm going to be
making illustrated reviews of movies," explains
tokyosexwhale. "The first is up and it's for
The Dark Knight Rises." basically, illustrated
snark.
http://graphicspoileralert.wordpress.com/
>> Gigapixel penguins <<
"I'm a long-time newsletter reader, currently
working in Antarctica until February next
year," shivers neon_starfish. "I got the chance
to visit the local emperor penguin colony last
Friday and made a half Gigapixel image from
some photos I took there. Hope you like it! :)"
Enjoy the fluffy desolation!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/849603
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The Wank Bank
Last week we asked you to share your wank
fantasies on the basis that 1. You'd enjoy it
and 2. You'd enjoy it.
http://b3ta.com/questions/wankbank/
* THINK ABOUT IT - "I don't approve of this
QOTW. I think it's destined to cause
bitterness and recrimination. But, as you asked,
I don't know why the Israelis don't just give it
up and let them stay." (scarpe)
* MISDIRECTION - "Getting sucked off by the
young receptionist at my desk after work
hours.. ..as I was playing multiplayer Quake
against 6 of my colleagues who were in
different parts of the building. My g/f's
before this never swallowed so I gave this
feisty lass a friendly warning that maybe she
should stop before it got messy. She seemed to
redouble her efforts and took the lot. Still
aced the Death-match game too. Edit: I know from
all the posts you don't believe me but back
then I was really, really good at Quake."
(Airman Gabber)
* MISOGYNY - "Those times my wife actually
sucked my cock before we were married."
(PhillieJoe)
>> This week – Ignorance <<
Prove that you are surrounded by stupid people
with your tales of spectacular ignorance.
http://b3ta.com/questions/blazingignorance/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* PHOTOSHOP TROLL - since the mass
casualisation of the workforce we're all
freelance twats now - and wouldn't you love to
treat your clients like this?
http://www.photoshoptroll.com/
* CELEB DEATH RUMOURS - our first online
celebrity death was River Phoenix; we read
about it on Usenet posts before hearing about
it from TV etc. Now there's a new celeb dying
every day - except most of the time it's just
bollocks. Keep up with this nonsense, if that's
your bag, using 'death rumours dot com', but
really you should get a better hobby than
waiting for celebs to die. Much more fun to
*make* it happen.
http://deathrumors.com
* JAVASCRIPT FOR CATS - here's a formula that
anyone wanting attention online should learn.
Cute and dumb + nerdy science = win. Previous
examples include Britney Spears's guide to Semi
Conductor Physics and the Bear That Shits Prime
Numbers. Why not make Katy Perry Plays Pi To
One Million Decimal Places On Bagpipes?
http://jsforcats.com/
* FASCINATING WIND MAP - Ben Goldacre writes,
"One for B3ta, if the hurricane is still there
and stuff." Hmm, amazingly pretty but we have
no idea what any of it means. Much like the
sexual allure of Goldacre himself.
http://hint.fm/wind/
* CATS IN STUPID PLACES - Apparently, cats are
funny, but we doubt anyone on the Internet will
care.
http://getoutoftherecat.tumblr.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but b.b.b.b.b.buffering
* BEST SHOVEL EVER - never really wanted a
shovel before but, such is the power of
advertising, we've never wanted one more.
Apparently given to the Chinese army and, like
those infomercial ads, it digs, it chops, it
chisels - it might as well clean your minge,
it's so versatile.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* BREAKING BAD REMIX - a Swedemasonesqe take on
everyone's favourite high-school teacher turned
meth dealer drama. One day all trailers will be
like this. And all TV shows.
http://bit.ly/PAUU4X
* EVIL GAMESHOW - Basically, telly is a cunt's
game. At its essence it's pure psychopathy -
humiliating people for voyeuristic pleasure of
the audience and the financial enrichment of
the media owners. This show is everything
that's wrong with our culture. It's also
utterly compelling.
http://youtu.be/OBYVQThkEDg
* TWO HAMSTERS ONE WHEEL - if in the future
your kids ask you what you were doing when the
poles melted look them in the eye and say, "I
was watching hamster lols on the internet."
History will forgive you.
http://b3ta.com/links/2_hamsters_1_wheel
* BETTER NAMES FOR THINGS - The unbelievable
tedium of retail work makes a chance at
mischief irresistible. In this case,
whimsically rebranding the entire inventory.
http://b3ta.com/links/Better_names_for_things
* MOVIES WRITTEN BY KIDS - Adults deadpan their
way through ridiculous adventures scripted and
voiced by young children. The lip-syncing is
genius.
http://b3ta.com/links/Kids_snippets_Salesman
* BIRD LEARNS TO FISH - Give a bird a fish and
it eats today. Teach a bird to fish and you
should be jailed for giving away our
technological secrets to potentially hostile
other species.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Naked chicks in hats
Denise Wilton writes, "It's time to ogle naked
chicks in hats. It is Friday, after all."
http://bit.ly/QE471Z
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Seymour Cocks
Brilliantly, a one-time Labour MP who was on the
list of people the Nazis planned to immediately
arrest, after they'd conquered Britain. We
wonder if they made a list of people they'd
promote? Like their chum Viscount Rothermere
of "Hurrah for the Blackshirts" Daily Mail fame?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seymour_Cocks
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Fictional Tourism Challenge
Last week we wanted you to produce tourist
brochures for fictional places.
Your favourites included:
* HOME: if the question is, "if b3ta were a
city, what would it look like?", here's the
answer (wuffle, the b3ta bunny).
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10836228
* THRONES: artfully stylish travel poster
attracts Jon Snow, bastard son of Lord Eddard
(Copybeard).
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10832716
* WALES: classic seaside postcard meets
mysterious coastal village (MrCanoehead).
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10834783
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fictional-tourism/
>> New challenge: Restore Art Badly <<
In a week in which a Spanish granny delighted
the interwebs by restoring a piece of classic
art, badly, this week's challenge is to do the
same. Suggested by Kitsunov
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/restored-art
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CAMPAIGN FOR MR HANKY TO REPRESENT RECTAL
CANCER - @SamJCarpenter writes, "Any chance of
getting this in the newsletter for my friend
who started it, but sadly passed this week?"
http://chn.ge/Q797KH
* 3RD ANNUAL GREENWICH PANTO HORSE RACE 2012 -
mr_mekon types, "As some of you guys know,for
the past 2 years, myself and a few other B3tans
help put together a silly Pantomime Horse Race
in aid of Demelza Children's Hospice for sick
and terminally ill kids. The race isn't until
December but we are appealing for companies to
really get behind it this year and help us
raise between 3-5k. The race will now feature
20 panto horses plus random fruit,vegetables
and other 'organisms'. Thanks for supporting
us!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include blah
blah here's some thoughts that's filling our
heads this exact second.
* STUFF TO DO WHEN WiFi IS BROKEN - our
internet connection is down and we're writing a
good part of this newsletter blind, based on
some notes we made last night. Kicking it old
school; we're even listening to a CD. What was
it like in the 90s granddad?
* HOW TO GET THE SMELL OF VINEGAR OFF OUR HANDS
- we decided to try the red cabbage / vinegar /
bicarbonate of soda experiment to entertain
our school-holiday-bored kids. And, Christ, our
hands stink now. Could wash them I suppose.
* RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES THAT LAST AS LONG AS
REAL BATTERIES - our wireless mouse is flashing
up messages on the screen saying 'low battery'
FFS. Only changed it like 2 months ago. The
world is so shit. GRRR!
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Cool cats: [email protected]
Tall twats: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by HappyToast,
‏@welsh_gas_doc, ‏@tophlammiepie, @driscos,
Matt Round, @thesaharadesert, @bluest_one,
‏@MichellefWalker, executiverocker,
sinisterduck, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Alistair Coleman is acting QOTW bloke.
Subjlol via Bored of that now
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TOP TIP:
Shave with baby oil. It's cheaper than that
King of Shaves stuff and the end result is the
same: a slightly greasy, shaved face.
