NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE SAVING THE PLEBS... TOGETHER!"
This Week:
* FUCKOMETER - why Twitter is swearing
* CREDIT CARD FRAUD - made easy
* NICK CLEGG - sings
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Apple forced to deny
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | claims the iPhone 5 is
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| rebranded Zune"
B3ta email 547 - 21 Sept 2012
Read this issue wearing a shit hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue547
Kiss us : [email protected]
Piss on us : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK (AMAZON TAT)
Most pointless CD ever?
Quite how or why someone has taken the trouble
to record seven different fans and release it
as a CD we're at a loss to explain.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003Y09TX...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Chinese Electronics Factory Worker - The Game <<
Use your console to relive the pulse-pounding
adventure that created... your console.
Ironically, this vid was made and viewed using
electronic consumer goods. "Because
exploitation is awesome!" exults teaandcheese.
http://bit.ly/VkQkNa
>> Misery Bear's Night Out <<
The unhappy ursine heads out clubbing. "Doesn't
end well," promises ratbanjoes. On the
contrary; for Misery Bear it's quite a happy
finish.
http://b3ta.com/links/Misery_Bears_Night_Out
>> Twitter Fuckometer <<
"I made this website that analyses the
different swearing used on twitter," explains
@davehurricane. "Just type in a thing and it
shows how much each swear word is used in
conjunction with your search. 'Boris' is
normally good." First time we've heard him
described as actually good...
http://fuckometer.co.uk/
>> Birdstrike and Manballoon <<
"I teamed up with Butters to make this AWESOME
high-octane adventure!" screams Joel Veitch.
"Our Crime-Fighting Super Duo take on armed
robbers!" If you're at all interested in making
animation, you should also check out Butters's
'making of' vid. Although it'll probably put
you off, because that boy works damned hard.
http://b3ta.com/links/Birdstrike_and_Manballoon
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: DINOHOODIES PLUG
Many of you know Cr3 - he along with Rob
Tinsley writes code to help the B3ta wheel spin
and his partner Charlotte also runs a lovely
business selling hoodies that look like
dinosaurs. Take it away Charlotte:
"Firstly, thanks so much for putting a plug
in the newsletter for me :) Halloween and
Christmas are my biggest sale times, so the
more people know about the site, the better!
"Secondly, the details - we are running a
10% off sale on all hoodies and onesies until
the 7th October. Ideal for Halloween
costumes, for those too lazy or cack-handed
to make their own :)"
http://www.dinohoodie.com
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
B3ta Most Haunted
Last week we asked for your spooky ghosty stories
so we could pretend we're watching ITV4:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mosthaunted/
* SCREAMS - "Back when the PS1 was the very
cutting edge of excellent, I came home one
late to find Best Beloved cowering in the
corner of the sofa, utterly terrified. I tried
to pry an explanation out of her, in between
bouts of sobbing. Whatever this was, it had
scared her very badly; badly enough that she
didn't want to talk about it, so I wrapped my
arms around her and we just sat there quietly.
About 20 minutes later she screamed, jumped up
and started crying again. She'd heard 'The
noise' again. Then, like water from a burst
dam: all afternoon, ever since she got home,
there'd been this strange, high pitched
screaming, too quiet to pin down, too
intermittent to be certain of its objective
reality. Her mother is a full-blown
Loop-De-Doo schizophrenic, so she was pretty
certain that it was either a) ghosts
(unlikely) or b) the onset of The Voices
trying to talk to her. She wasn't keen on
either. So I too listened intently and another
15 mins later there it was. A definite, if
faint, ethereal screaming noise. Lasted a long
and faintly sphincter-tightening 30 seconds
and then faded away. I recognised my foe and
knew how to deal with it in seconds. Told Best
Beloved to leave the room as she wouldn't want
to see what I was about to do, and took up the
universal remote as the closest blunt
instrument to hand... I knew what had to be
done to banish the spectre. I switched off the
amplifier that was feeding from the
Playstation to the speakers. Seems that
setting the volume to zero when you pause
Silent Hill doesn't _quite_ result in utter
silence. Nasty bug, they should fix that..."
(DukeEuphoria)
* PHANTOM DRIVER - "Jamil is a lovely bloke.
From Senegal, via France and Sweden to Blighty.
He is also very black. ("Born in the night" is
a phrase he tends to use). Whilst in Sweden, he
was driving down an unlit road at night when a
cop car drove towards him, suddenly turned and
pulled him over. Now, the black population in
Sweden is not exactly huge, and he'd suffered
racism before, so was he already beginning to
seethe at this perceived injustice. Slowly, one
of the cops approaches before turning to his
colleague, who appears to have started a
laughing fit in the police car. He continues to
Jamil. He's gone bright red and almost stutters
as he speaks. 'Sorry sir. Err...I don't know
quite what to say. It was dark, and, er, you
are dark, and, er, I couldn't see anyone
driving the car. I mean, it looked as if there
was no-one in the car. Sorry. You can go.'
(monkeyboyalpha)
* JEEPERS CREEPERS - "Like most horror films,
this is scary until they actually get to the
blood and guts part, when it becomes a comedy.
But I'd only got to the part when the two kids
decide to investigate the mysterious pipe (into
which The Creeper has been dumping oddly
body-shaped packages when I realise the deep
infra-bass pounding I can feel isn't coming
from the TV. It's real, and it's in the house.
And I can't watch any more... It turned out to
be the local primary school disco playing
2 Unlimited."
(rogerzilla)
>> This Week - Shit Claims to Fame 2 <<
Got a shit claim to fame? Tell us so we can
laugh with* you. It can't be as bad as having
once gone on holiday with Ed Milliband's mum:
http://b3ta.com/questions/claimstofame2/
* at
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Shitty iPhone Maps lols <<
Our conspiracy theory is that if Apple maps
can't show us where Parliament is we can't
overthrow it. Hmm, the Occupy movement has
occupied the Thames and installed a military
junta in a small branch of Starbucks.
http://theamazingios6maps.tumblr.com/
>> StreamRead <<
"StreamRead.net is a brand new type of social
service which takes all of your social media
streams and feeds and converts them into a
glossy magazine to read and absorb at your
leisure," claims the blurb. It's satire, of
course - imagine how shit a magazine actually
based on your social media stream would be.
http://streamread.net
>> The Baby Died <<
Morbidly fascinating curiosities from the pages
of old newspapers. Makes us relieved we no
longer have to worry about our children being
attacked in their beds by roving pigs. Yeesh.
http://thebabydied.blogspot.co.uk/
>> Why not commit some fraud? <<
If you find a bank card and fancy stealing
money - stick it in an ATM and you'll get 3
goes at guessing the number. Try 1234, 1111,
0000. People are so bad at making up passwords
you've got a one in five chance of getting some
cash out. Of course, you'll be doing that on
the ATM's camera, so wear a false moustache.
http://www.datagenetics.com/blog/september32012/
>> Magical homing shoes <<
For "magical", read "GPS" but, blimey, these
are clever. Like being guided home by the
pixies.
http://www.psfk.com/2012/09/gps-shoe-guides-home.h...
>> FILMography <<
Gallery of movie stills held up in front of the
locations where they were shot. Genuinely a
cool thing, which will probably get us out and
about in London with our cameras.
http://philmfotos.tumblr.com/
>> RGB colourspace atlas <<
Spectacular book made entirely out of colours.
No idea if it has any use, but it makes a
beautiful cube.
http://bit.ly/Qbifhe
>> Guy takes tech advice from 4chan <<
Unbelievably naive youngster follows 4chan
trolls' advice and screws up his dad's work
computer. Who does he ask how to fix it? 4chan
again...
http://www.nastyhobbit.org/details.php
>> National Office of Importance <<
"From 1915-2003, the National Office of
Importance carried out its statutory public
duty 'to inform, insist and admonish' on behalf
of the British Government." Engaging exhibition
of 100% fictitious government propaganda.
http://nationalofficeofimportance.blogspot.co.uk/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Animated gifs for people with ears
>> Sad Nick Clegg sings sorry <<
Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg is desperate
for people to forgive his party for stabbin...
for reneging on some pre-election promises.
Obviously, he looks utterly ridiculous, with a
little help from Auto-tune. We've watched this
a few times now and it's odd how lyrical his
speech already was.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> How to build a bookshelf <<
Handy step-by-step guide to DIY - if you're man
enough to follow it.
http://bit.ly/SbMeXF
>> Woman reads aloud, distracted by sex-toy <<
One advantage to the iPad; you can run a
vibrator off it while reading 50 Shades of
Grey. Beat that, Kindle. Oh, meanwhile, this is
black and white, making it either High Art or a
Guinness ad.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Woman_reads_book
>> The (Secret) City of London: Government <<
If you think you have a good, simple idea of
how the City of London works, you're almost
certainly wrong. The place is incredibly old
and its inner gubbins are Byzantine, as this
fascinating video shows.
http://bit.ly/RIVy1r
First part also interesting and here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Mentos + coke + condom <<
Wildly enthusiastic Italian commentary adds to
the explosive phallic fun.
http://bit.ly/OMmMDk
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the What Lies Beneath
Challenge
Last week we wanted you to reveal the
stuff that's under other stuff
Your favourites included:
* GHERKIN: London landmark's saucy true
identity revealed (The Silent Channel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10847357
* LEONARDO: not as talented as we've
been led to believe (printmeister)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10846769
* MANHOLE: where fluffy meets wtf (ham o'
shatner)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10847104
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/whatliesbeneath/
>> New challenge: Haunted House <<
Halloween's ages off but we don't care.
We'll do scary stuff any time. So this
week's challenge is to photoshop these
scared people — http://imgur.com/a/hRhJg/
— and make them look even more stupid.
Challenge suggested by robneymcplum and
Joe Scaramanga
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hauntedhouse/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
>> iControl Pad <<
Last week we asked you to promise to donate
cash to the Kickstarter project run my long
term B3tan Craig Rothwell who writes, "We're so
thankful for the pledges so far, the newsletter
is doing its magic, the whole process is
obviously terrifying, but we hope it works."
Donates now about $60k up from $20k last week -
keep at it guys!
http://kck.st/Pewy3d
>> Human reproduction part two <<
Grey Bloke continues explaining where babies
come from, in slightly too much helpful detail.
http://b3ta.com/links/Human_reproduction_part_two
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SCRAMBLED SNAKE EGGS - are they delicious?
* COMPARE APPLES AND ORANGES - science says you
can't. We say you can.
* AN ALGORITHM THAT HIDES ASTROTURFING - just
as toxic to the fibre of the web as spam is
and who is writing code to remove it?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Chums : [email protected]
Cocks : [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by taters,
Amadeus, simbosan, ‏@opgreenfly, robneymcplum,
@chthonicionic, @pollollups, Herb Alpert's Taxi
Driver, ‏@scaryduck, @rosshorsley, Tusk,
‏@davidnield, fluffybunnykiller.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top Tip bu Stinky Dick.
Subjlols via Joe Scaramanga.
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TOP TIP:
If you wash every day it's possible, even
probable, you don't actually need to use
deodorant. However, if you are a bit skuzzy with
your personal hygiene don't take this as an
excuse to be more skuzzy.
