we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* FUCKOMETER - why Twitter is swearing
* CREDIT CARD FRAUD - made easy
* NICK CLEGG - sings

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Apple forced to deny 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  claims the iPhone 5 is
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   rebranded Zune"

B3ta email 547  - 21 Sept 2012

Read this issue wearing a shit hat:

      Kiss us :  [email protected]
   Piss on us : [email protected]

  Most pointless CD ever?
  Quite how or why someone has taken the trouble
  to record seven different fans and release it
  as a CD we're at a loss to explain.



  >> Chinese Electronics Factory Worker - The Game <<
  Use your console to relive the pulse-pounding
  adventure that created... your console.
  Ironically, this vid was made and viewed using
  electronic consumer goods. "Because
  exploitation is awesome!" exults teaandcheese.

  >> Misery Bear's Night Out <<
  The unhappy ursine heads out clubbing. "Doesn't
  end well," promises ratbanjoes. On the
  contrary; for Misery Bear it's quite a happy

  >> Twitter Fuckometer <<
  "I made this website that analyses the
  different swearing used on twitter," explains
  @davehurricane. "Just type in a thing and it
  shows how much each swear word is used in
  conjunction with your search. 'Boris' is
  normally good." First time we've heard him
  described as actually good...

  >> Birdstrike and Manballoon <<
  "I teamed up with Butters to make this AWESOME
  high-octane adventure!" screams Joel Veitch.
  "Our Crime-Fighting Super Duo take on armed
  robbers!" If you're at all interested in making
  animation, you should also check out Butters's
  'making of' vid. Although it'll probably put
  you off, because that boy works damned hard.


  Many of you know Cr3 - he along with Rob
  Tinsley writes code to help the B3ta wheel spin
  and his partner Charlotte also runs a lovely
  business selling hoodies that look like
  dinosaurs. Take it away Charlotte:

    "Firstly, thanks so much for putting a plug
    in the newsletter for me :) Halloween and
    Christmas are my biggest sale times, so the
    more people know about the site, the better!

    "Secondly, the details -  we are running a
    10% off sale on all hoodies and onesies until
    the 7th October. Ideal for Halloween
    costumes, for those too lazy or cack-handed
    to make their own :)"


  B3ta Most Haunted
  Last week we asked for your spooky ghosty stories
  so we could pretend we're watching ITV4:

  * SCREAMS - "Back when the PS1 was the very
  cutting edge of excellent, I came home one
  late to find Best Beloved cowering in the
  corner of the sofa, utterly terrified. I tried
  to pry an explanation out of her, in between
  bouts of sobbing. Whatever this was, it had
  scared her very badly; badly enough that she
  didn't want to talk about it, so I wrapped my
  arms around her and we just sat there quietly.
  About 20 minutes later she screamed, jumped up
  and started crying again. She'd heard 'The
  noise' again. Then, like water from a burst
  dam: all afternoon, ever since she got home,
  there'd been this strange, high pitched
  screaming, too quiet to pin down, too
  intermittent to be certain of its objective
  reality. Her mother is a full-blown
  Loop-De-Doo schizophrenic, so she was pretty
  certain that it was either a) ghosts
  (unlikely) or b) the onset of The Voices
  trying to talk to her. She wasn't keen on
  either. So I too listened intently and another
  15 mins later there it was. A definite, if
  faint, ethereal screaming noise. Lasted a long
  and faintly sphincter-tightening 30 seconds
  and then faded away. I recognised my foe and
  knew how to deal with it in seconds. Told Best
  Beloved to leave the room as she wouldn't want
  to see what I was about to do, and took up the
  universal remote as the closest blunt
  instrument to hand... I knew what had to be
  done to banish the spectre. I switched off the
  amplifier that was feeding from the
  Playstation to the speakers. Seems that
  setting the volume to zero when you pause
  Silent Hill doesn't _quite_ result in utter
  silence. Nasty bug, they should fix that..."
  * PHANTOM DRIVER - "Jamil is a lovely bloke.
  From Senegal, via France and Sweden to Blighty.
  He is also very black. ("Born in the night" is
  a phrase he tends to use). Whilst in Sweden, he
  was driving down an unlit road at night when a
  cop car drove towards him, suddenly turned and
  pulled him over. Now, the black population in
  Sweden is not exactly huge, and he'd suffered
  racism before, so was he already beginning to
  seethe at this perceived injustice. Slowly, one
  of the cops approaches before turning to his
  colleague, who appears to have started a
  laughing fit in the police car. He continues to
  Jamil. He's gone bright red and almost stutters
  as he speaks. 'Sorry sir. Err...I don't know
  quite what to say. It was dark, and, er, you
  are dark, and, er, I couldn't see anyone
  driving the car. I mean, it looked as if there
  was no-one in the car. Sorry. You can go.'
  * JEEPERS CREEPERS - "Like most horror films,
  this is scary until they actually get to the
  blood and guts part, when it becomes a comedy.
  But I'd only got to the part when the two kids
  decide to investigate the mysterious pipe (into
  which The Creeper has been dumping oddly
  body-shaped packages when I realise the deep
  infra-bass pounding I can feel isn't coming
  from the TV. It's real, and it's in the house.
  And I can't watch any more... It turned out to
  be the local primary school disco playing
  2 Unlimited."

  >> This Week - Shit Claims to Fame 2 <<
  Got a shit claim to fame? Tell us so we can
  laugh with* you. It can't be as bad as having
  once gone on holiday with Ed Milliband's mum:

  * at


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Shitty iPhone Maps lols <<
  Our conspiracy theory is that if Apple maps
  can't show us where Parliament is we can't
  overthrow it. Hmm, the Occupy movement has
  occupied the Thames and installed a military
  junta in a small branch of Starbucks. 

  >> StreamRead <<
  "StreamRead.net is a brand new type of social
  service which takes all of your social media
  streams and feeds and converts them into a
  glossy magazine to read and absorb at your
  leisure," claims the blurb. It's satire, of
  course - imagine how shit a magazine actually
  based on your social media stream would be.

  >> The Baby Died <<
  Morbidly fascinating curiosities from the pages
  of old newspapers. Makes us relieved we no
  longer have to worry about our children being
  attacked in their beds by roving pigs. Yeesh.

  >> Why not commit some fraud? <<
  If you find a bank card and fancy stealing
  money - stick it in an ATM and you'll get 3
  goes at guessing the number. Try 1234, 1111,
  0000. People are so bad at making up passwords
  you've got a one in five chance of getting some
  cash out. Of course, you'll be doing that on
  the ATM's camera, so wear a false moustache. 

  >> Magical homing shoes <<
  For "magical", read "GPS" but, blimey, these
  are clever. Like being guided home by the

  >> FILMography <<
  Gallery of movie stills held up in front of the
  locations where they were shot. Genuinely a
  cool thing, which will probably get us out and
  about in London with our cameras.

  >> RGB colourspace atlas <<
  Spectacular book made entirely out of colours.
  No idea if it has any use, but it makes a
  beautiful cube.

  >> Guy takes tech advice from 4chan <<
  Unbelievably naive youngster follows 4chan
  trolls' advice and screws up his dad's work
  computer. Who does he ask how to fix it? 4chan

  >> National Office of Importance <<
  "From 1915-2003, the National Office of
  Importance carried out its statutory public
  duty 'to inform, insist and admonish' on behalf
  of the British Government." Engaging exhibition
  of 100% fictitious government propaganda. 


  Animated gifs for people with ears

  >> Sad Nick Clegg sings sorry <<
  Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg is desperate
  for people to forgive his party for stabbin...
  for reneging on some pre-election promises.
  Obviously, he looks utterly ridiculous, with a
  little help from Auto-tune. We've watched this
  a few times now and it's odd how lyrical his
  speech already was.

  >> How to build a bookshelf <<
  Handy step-by-step guide to DIY - if you're man
  enough to follow it.

  >> Woman reads aloud, distracted by sex-toy <<
  One advantage to the iPad; you can run a
  vibrator off it while reading 50 Shades of
  Grey. Beat that, Kindle. Oh, meanwhile, this is
  black and white, making it either High Art or a
  Guinness ad.

  >> The (Secret) City of London: Government <<
  If you think you have a good, simple idea of
  how the City of London works, you're almost
  certainly wrong. The place is incredibly old
  and its inner gubbins are Byzantine, as this
  fascinating video shows.

  First part also interesting and here:

  >> Mentos + coke + condom <<
  Wildly enthusiastic Italian commentary adds to
  the explosive phallic fun.


  Results from the What Lies Beneath 

  Last week we wanted you to reveal the 
  stuff that's under other stuff

  Your favourites included:
  * GHERKIN: London landmark's saucy true 
    identity revealed (The Silent Channel)
  * LEONARDO: not as talented as we've 
    been led to believe (printmeister) 
  * MANHOLE: where fluffy meets wtf (ham o'

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Haunted House <<
  Halloween's ages off but we don't care. 
  We'll do scary stuff any time. So this 
  week's challenge is to photoshop these 
  scared people — http://imgur.com/a/hRhJg/ 
  — and make them look even more stupid. 
  Challenge suggested by robneymcplum and 
  Joe Scaramanga


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  >> iControl Pad <<
  Last week we asked you to promise to donate
  cash to the Kickstarter project run my long
  term B3tan Craig Rothwell who writes, "We're so
  thankful for the pledges so far, the newsletter
  is doing its magic, the whole process is
  obviously terrifying, but we hope it works."
  Donates now about $60k up from $20k last week -
  keep at it guys!

  >> Human reproduction part two <<
  Grey Bloke continues explaining where babies
  come from, in slightly too much helpful detail.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SCRAMBLED SNAKE EGGS - are they delicious? 
  * COMPARE APPLES AND ORANGES - science says you
    can't. We say you can.
    as toxic to the fibre of the web as spam is
    and who is writing code to remove it?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


    Chums :  [email protected]
    Cocks :  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by taters,
  Amadeus, simbosan, &#8207;@opgreenfly, robneymcplum,
  @chthonicionic, @pollollups, Herb Alpert's Taxi
  Driver, &#8207;@scaryduck, @rosshorsley, Tusk,
  &#8207;@davidnield, fluffybunnykiller. 
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Top Tip bu Stinky Dick.
  Subjlols via Joe Scaramanga.


  If you wash every day it's possible, even
  probable, you don't actually need to use
  deodorant. However, if you are a bit skuzzy with
  your personal hygiene don't take this as an
  excuse to be more skuzzy. 

next issue »
« previous issue