NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER WAS ONLY THE START OF IT..."
This Week:
* SAVILE - Kunt writes the inevitable song
* ART - Badly drawn film frames in Maya
* TOO MUCH - Funny name corner :(
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Sitting in Jimmy
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Savile's chair...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"
B3ta email 549 - 05 Oct 2012
Read this issue with your WAP enabled phone:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue549
Friends : [email protected]
Bastards : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Reader recommend iPad keyboard
Matt Round writes, "If you end up with an empty
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to be something people want to buy when they
know about it (3 people I know have bought one
since seeing mine) AND you can take the piss
out of it for turning an iPad into a crap
overpriced laptop."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00835UQK...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
They've been making fun that's what
>> Jimmy Savile & the Sexy Kids <<
"Sir Jimmy visited me in the night and asked me
to set the record straight on his behalf,"
confides a haunted Kunt. "By the way, he also
asked me to say re. Megan Stammers, he would."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> The Origin of DUBSTEP <<
"NOT for mature audiences!" warns teaandcheese,
for what you are about to witness is nothing
short of MAGIC.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Origin_of_DUBSTEP
>> Romneyobamarama! <<
"This is the last installment of the NewsHit
series I did for Mondo," intones smearballs.
The US presidential hopefuls duke it out, but
whoever wins - we lose! That's not a political
statement - we saw it on the poster of Alien
vs Predator and were just waiting for a chance
to say it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Punching_Bags
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Rogues, Villains and Eccentrics
Last week we asked for the lovable or not so
lovable eccentrics you've met. These are the
people that make life living:
http://b3ta.com/questions/roguesandvillains/
* CRAZY CHARLIE - "is a friend of mine in
Richmond in his fifties. He's a talented artist
with metal. He's also a convicted felon, who
spent eight years in prison for burglary when
the house he'd entered wasn't as empty as he
thought, the Army soldier there took exception
to his presence and things got violent. He's a
loyal friend who will help out in any way he
can, but he's about 37 degrees from sane. His
bin-diving, especially for brass or old tools
is obsessive, which is why, one night, when he
spotted an axe that someone had thrown out, he
slouched home with it. He's slightly-built, with
a short grizzled pelt on his head, glasses, but
also numerous tattoos and missing most of his
right index finger. And an axe. On his way, a
guy suddenly pointed behind him with an expression
of dread. Charlie pulled out his iPod earphones
just in time to hear a cop screaming at him to
drop the axe. He did so and turned to find two
cops with guns drawn aiming at his chest. They
let him go with a warning; but, as he told me
this story, he sounded hurt and bewildered that
they harassed him. He genuinely didn't understand
why they would have reacted this way. I didn't
have the heart to point him toward a mirror."
(The Resident Loon)
* SUPER SHAMAN - "Me and a couple of like-minded
friends were stumbling about the woods after
consuming a pile of 'shrooms. We were sitting on
some logs, chatting and probably giggling, when
seemingly from nowhere a shaman appeared. He
talked to us for a while, leaning on his staff,
telling us how great it was that we had come to
commune with Father Oak, the Great Tree of Life.
He said it would enrich our lives and calm our
spirits, and so on. He was clearly a shaman of
great power and spirituality. Eventually he bid
us goodbye, and disappeared into the trees. All
very impressive, spoiled only by the naff and
rather grubby shell suit he was wearing, and the
can of Special Brew dangling from his hand. And
the fact that there were no oaks in that wood."
(moon monkey)
* LEATHER PANTS MAN - "In Bristol city center
there used to be a guy who from May to September
could be found striding purposefully around
wearing a leather thong, a stonking pair or
20+ eye biker boots, and an epic bushy beard.
My group of friends all took seeing him as the
official arrival of summer like the first cuckoo
of spring. One summer we hadn't seen him and
were drunkenly discussing his absence. People
nearby overheard us and agreed that the Leather
Pants Man had indeed been absent this summer.
Then, as if summoned, the Leather Pants Man
came striding over the hill into view. We went
wild cheering and clapping drunkenly shouting
LEATHER PANTS MAAAAN!!!! Our numbers had swelled
somewhat and it was a fair-sized group. LPM
stopped, smiled, bowed theatrically, and stomped
off. Legend."
(sittingduck - and Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver)
>> This Week - DRIVEN TO MADNESS <<
What annoying things do those close to you do
that are driving you up the wall? Vent here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/driventomadness/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Badly-recreated animated film frames <<
"Take a still from a multi-million dollar
animated film that required thousands of
man-hours to create and replicate it in Maya
in 30 minutes". We want to play with Maya now.
http://badlyrecreatedanimatedfilmframes.tumblr.com...
>> World's least minimalist house <<
Lower middle class fussiness combined with mental
illness? Who could live in a home like this?
http://ow.ly/ef4AT
>> H. P. Lovecraft in the style of Dr. Seuss. <<
Hopefully to be followed by The Tibetan Book of
the Dead in the style of the Mr Men.
http://drfaustusau.deviantart.com/gallery/35258175
>> High quality trolling <<
Despite the tabloids trying to redefine trolling
to mean rude comments to famous people, some
remember the original meaning, including the
wonderful 'Horsey Suprise' who bait all over
the internet and screengrab the reactions.
http://horseysurprise.tumblr.com/
>> Creative commons boardgame <<
Neat bit of marketing here - download and print
the game for free - but that'll be a bit of
effort or buy it for $25. Personally we're
just going to play it in our heads with
imaginary people.
http://cardsagainsthumanity.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Youtube: the Laserdisc you don't have to turn over
>> Honest Internet Explorer Ad <<
Those new Microsoft TV commercials, with a hard
slug of added TRUTH.
http://bit.ly/QXufV6
>> Autotune the Presidential debate <<
Romney and Obama remixed to music. Why, this
sort of thing makes a mockery of the political
system - as if it's all presentation over
substance! Catchy stuff, as ever, from the Autotune
the News team.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
‏
>> Skateboarding Girls <<
Important safety-testing or surrealistic 'happening'
- whichever, it's strangely mesmerising.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Skateboarding_Girls
>> How to expose a fake clairvoyant <<
Straight to the point; doesn't waste time; no
prevarication or superfluous verbiage.
http://bit.ly/QXuob5
>> This Land is Mine <<
A brief history of the land called Israel/Palestine
/Canaan/the Levant, to the stirring tones of the
song from Exodus. We can recommend no more
charming way of rendering yourself depressed
and fearful.
http://blog.ninapaley.com/2012/10/01/this-land-is-...
>> A little video about Hexaflexagons <<
Once again, our dull, unsciencey brains are
baffled by witchcraft in the form of
geometrically-folded paper. Seriously, this
is flipping amazing.
http://bit.ly/QXuzmP
>> Somebody That I Used to Know - Old School <<
Two internet favourites combined, as obsolete
electronic components perform Gotye's 'Somebody
That I Used to Know'. We have a soft spot for
the plaintive wail of the antique scanner.
Like nostalgia for a crappy job you used to have.
http://bit.ly/QXuAXQ
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Not funny but still here. Like us really.
* ASOS PENIS BLOUSE - this looks so smart that
it makes us want to recreate the look by sewing
buttons down the length of our cock.
http://bit.ly/QXuIGG
* INTERESTING RESTAURANT NAME - intriguing yes,
but appetising?
http://www.urbanspoon.com/r/46/1554977/restaurant/...
* THE KIDS love mum's...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003YGUW4...
* ALL GIRL SCHOOL - Stefan Macro writes, "The
all-girl Loughborough Girls High School (part
of the Loughbrough Endowed Schools) has a sweetly
innocent URL."
http://www.leshigh.org/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Urban Animals Challenge
Last week we wanted you to equip animals
for the rigours of modern city life
Your favourites included:
* ELEPHANT: rush-hour overcrowding
reaches new and perilous peaks (Fresh
Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10854882
* GOOSE: a British engineering classic,
and a giant leap in evolution (The
Snockerty Friddle)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10854655
* DOG: that bald, pudding-bothering
fattie off of Masterchef, rendered as
a pug (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10854765
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/urban-animals/
>> New challenge: Happy/Unhappy Endings <<
This week's challenge is to change
history by 180 degrees, making happy endings
unhappy and unhappy endings happy.
Suggested by monkeon
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/happy-unhappy/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* HAPPY EMAILS - H.O.Charles writes, "I read
that you're receiving unhappy emails, so here's
a nice one. Thanks ever so much for popping the
note about my book in your newsletter. It hasn't
launched me into a best seller list, but it did
gain me a few more readers and some nice comments.
So cheers! It's great to be even the slightest
bit noticed and/or featured anywhere, as loads
of people are vying to push their books on
every outlet they can think of. As any writer
will tell you, publishing can be quite a lonely,
tough business!" The unhappy emails refer to the
unfortunate ad we took via Zappideals detailed here:
http://bit.ly/QXuVd8
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* EAT A CANDLE A DAY - does your poo will come
out encased in a waxy globe, smell-free & no
wiping required?
* UPSIDE-DOWN DINING - we reckon a roast dinner
for breakfast and a a bit of fruit, etc. at
night would be a much better way to do things.
* SOME KIND OF BUTTON THAT STOPS THINGS BEING
SHIT - possibly this is called heroin.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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One of usssss: [email protected]
Ex-communicate: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @johnsto,
@bl0ke, King Ralph, Scienti, SquidHead,
cupboardy, Gratch, robneymcplum, ‏@JudgeySan,
@MikeFishcake, @MarkPenrice, @DFLamont,
pixel_fucker, @denialvibes.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tip via (NoStrings)
Subjlols via Gruffi Savalas. We also liked
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TOP TIP:
If you're enjoying a bit of late-night internet
filth, and you hear your partner descending the
stairs, do not, in a panic, switch the site that
is on screen. Pornography is a lot easier to
explain than the sight of you, furiously
masturbating to a BBC News article about Bashar
al-Assad's merciless slaughter of Syrian civilians.
