NEWSLETTER: "WARNING: DO NOT READ IN CHRISTIAN B&BS"
This Week:
* PICS - from the 'Guardian Truncation Team'
* AMAZON - Dean Gaffney face-clock
* ANSWERS - The best stuff you've made
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Saved by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the bellend"
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B3ta email 551 - 19 Oct 2012
Read this in Morgan Freeman's voice for gravitas:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue551
Hello : [email protected]
Unhello : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK (actually not sponsored)
Sexual health charity thingie
Helen writes, "I work for the lovely charity FPA
and we have a new website called desire and
pleasure - all the money goes to our work
promoting good sexual health in the UK. Would it
be possible to be featured in the newsletter?"
Oh OK, but only if we link to your 'wall mounted
condom demonstrator.'
http://bit.ly/S1ckdV
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making sweet, sweet semen
>> Guardian Truncation Team <<
"Wotcha," greets commuter Nick. "I made a thing,
collecting 'funny' shortenings of headlines on
the Guardian iPhone app. It stops me screaming
point-blank into businessmen's faces at the
horror of it all."
http://guardiantruncationteam.tumblr.com
>> Bird Song <<
"The video for a song we made live on YouTube
one time," explains Weebl, cryptically. As well
he might, since he's currently toiling at the
bottom of a lol-mine, creating hours and hours
of top-notch animation for a secret future
project.
http://b3ta.com/links/Bird_Song
>> Surprise <<
"I did some more drawn animation," is all we
have from Faceburger. But we like surprises:
http://b3ta.com/links/Surprise:7
>> Ed and Dave uncut <<
"Some bits of the conference speeches you may
have missed," claims merkinhead. Amazing how
unrealistic David Cameron looks; even when he's
not computer-generated, to be honest.
http://b3ta.com/links/Ed_and_Dave_uncut
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: AMAZON TAT
Crap products & stupid reviews la la la
>> Dean Gaffney face-clock <<
It's hard to decide which is better; this,
frankly amazing, item itself or the stunningly
creative reviews that it's spawned by its very
existence.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003BRGUR...
>> 'Touched' by a paedophile <<
Wildly appropriate autobiography of American
football coach Jerry Sandusky, who later turned
out to be the US equivalent of all this Jimmy
Savile stuff.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1582613575/...
>> Laxative choc <<
Cautionary tale from the Amazon vaults. Just out
of interest, why is so much laxative stuff
chocolate? Surely that's the last thing you'd
want to put in your mouth while thinking about
faeces.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R1HWKTZCIT43DS/b3ta...
>> 'Party suicide' <<
Recreate the Deer Hunter at your celebratory
event, with this 'fun' twist on Russian
Roulette. For added lols, put the gun in your
mouth when you pull the trigger.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003ARQFZY/...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The Best Thing You Made
Last week we asked for the best thing you'd
ever made. There's some great photos of things
(sheds even) to look at here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bestthingivebuilt
* SPEAKERS - "My first car was an XR2. Excited,
I decided to improve the sound. Fortunately it
already had a radio cassette player, but only
two speakers in the rear parcel shelf. I bought
2 very large speakers, marked and cut the holes
in the door cards, and put them in. They were
around knee level, and improved the sound
immensely. The I tried to open the window,
which went down about an inch and a half before
hitting the speaker." (username failed moderation)
* COKE - "At the age of 12, my brother suddenly
became very secretive, often locking himself in
his bedroom for hours at a time. Were I older,
I'd probably have assumed he'd discovered wanking.
Curiously, his desire for cans of coke increased
greatly. Then, my best red nail varnish disappeared.
It was all very strange. After 6 months, all was
revealed when my brother unveiled the model of a
Lamborghini Diabolo he'd built from metal snipped
from coke cans and painted pillar-box red with my
nail polish. It was beautiful, a true work of art,
lovingly crafted by a young boy who should be
rightly proud of his work. The twat binned it
two days later because he was bored with it."
(Smash Monkey)
* PEAMATIC - "A school craze for pea-shooters
(well, spit-ball shooters really) was in full
swing. But point, shoot, repeat seemed a little
pedestrian to me; clearly I needed More Power.
So I built a machine-pea-shooter: a ten-shot
repeater, something like a mini-gun, with ten
barrels and a sliding mouthpiece. I could shoot
one at a time, or unleash a deadly hail of
spit-balls at my cowering victims. My playground
triumph was short lived, as a) it took about
five minutes to re-load, and b) I got beaten
up for being a smart-arse." (moon monkey)
>> This Week - TROUBLE <<
Ever dropped somebody in the shit? Ever been the
one in the shit? Whether by accident for through
being a terrible snitchy grass, tell us all here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/Gettingothersintotrouble...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Life hacks to make your life easier <<
99 suggestions which fall somewhere been genius
and OCD compulsively-hoarding hobo. Also please
ignore the one that says filter your emails on
the word "unsubscribe" as it'll break the B3ta
newsletter and any other email lists you use.
Hee hee. Email lists. We're so 90s.
http://bit.ly/PeX5l4
>> Jesus. Seriously. Fuck off. <<
Apparently Jesus is an annoying asshole who
fucks people up. Can somebody make this into a
movie please? Like Bad Santa? Bad Christ?
http://imgur.com/a/TnkRq
>> You don't 'fucking love' science <<
The best thing Maddox has posted in a good while
- complaining about the people who profess to be
nerds, just because they bought some glasses and
clicked "I like science" on Friendsreunited.
http://thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi
>> Security reactions Tumblr <<
Do you have to worry about computer security as
part of your work? Do you like animated gifs?
http://securityreactions.tumblr.com/
>> Full-screen phishing attack <<
A white-hatted proof-of-concept attack. Frankly,
we're reaching a point where fuck knows what is
real - but that might be to do with the large
amounts of LSD we took before starting this
sentence. Oooh look, our fingers are spongey and
wow this keyboard lights up when you press the
buttons... We feel like a tiny Michael Jackson
in Billie Jean.
http://feross.org/html5-fullscreen-api-attack/
>> Clothes on film (got your picture) <<
Curious about the clothes actors wear in movies?
Matt Round writes, "Found this site interesting
even though I have no interest in fashion."
http://bit.ly/PeX6p9
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Filmed on your Windows Phone for megalolz
>> Gabba Pingu Remix <<
It is what it is. Thought-provoking that,
thanks to the wonders of modern technology, we
can now all be The Prodigy circa 1991. Catchy
though. Very catchy.
http://www.pown.it/3496
>> Periods: the truth <<
Some guy wrote on a tampon company's Facebook
page that their adverts lie and that his
girlfriend's menstrual cycle is not one big
rollerskate and skydiving party. The company
responds:
http://b3ta.com/links/Wooooooaaaahhhh_Bodyform
>> Train simulator, bitch! <<
Model railway swag overload. NSFW but #YOLO.
http://b3ta.com/links/Train_simulator_bitch
>> Dog gets ready <<
Sleepy dog sets up for a busy day of dogginess.
http://b3ta.com/links/Just_a_dog_getting_ready_for...
>> Schrodinger's Cat does not like boxes <<
Cute animation takes a disturbingly abrupt
left-turn into Akira-ville.
http://bit.ly/PeXcx5
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Please change the law and make assisted suicide
legal as we can't take the pain any longer
* CAT-SHIT OR COCK-SHIT? Pielands writes, "My
cat took a dump on the floor (as opposed to in
the box, as we had agreed). It had not been
manipulated in any way. Is he trying to tell me
something?" Yes, he's telling you he wants anal
penetration from your cock. It's what all cats
want.
http://imgur.com/3Oc8F
* THE NAME 'GAYLORD' - STILL FUNNY? The preserve
of playground humour since 1973, the name
Gaylord is startling, as it suggests a heraldic,
honours society based upon bot-bot fun.
http://www.dioceseofgaylord.org
* YOUR NEW FAVOURITE CHEMICAL COMPOUND IS -
'(Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2' - Google it, then sing the
Chicken Tonight jingle in your head.
* BLOKE SHOULD GET A NEW JOB - he'd be much
better as a professional pubic hair trimmer.
There's probably a job title for that but we're
busy people with no time for such frippery.
http://bit.ly/S1cYYL
* OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO COULD SHORTEN THEIR NAME
TO DICK - Richard Fiddler shouldn't have.
http://bit.ly/PeXfsB
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: FRIDAY GAMES
13k HTML5 games
Challenge web designers to make canvas-based
games in less than 13k of code (that's about
enough space to store 2,500 words of the play
Hamlet) and what do you get? Stuff that makes us
think the world is full of very clever people.
http://js13kgames.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Torture Challenge
Last week we wanted you devise fiendish
torture devices
Your favourites included:
* CHALK: Screeeeaaagh! The world's most
unpleasant noise, again and again and again and
again and again and again and again and...
(HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10861191
* KYLE: Leia Organa of Alderaan gets subjected
to something far, far worse than water-boarding
(The Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10861898
* TUB: spectacular fountain of effluence horror
cartoon (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10861502
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/torture/
>> New challenge: Trees <<
One word challenge: Trees — they're just sitting
there, all made out of wood and looking
sinister. Biding their time. Show us what
they're planning.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/trees/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* THE MANY LAYERS OF CYRIAK - "I was curious to
see how many After Effects layers I used in a
single scene of one of my videos," begins
Cyriak. Good God. Here's an insight into just
how involved those animations are:
http://cyriak.co.uk/blog/
* HEARING-IMPAIRED MEMBER GETS ROBOT EARS -
helmsdeep writes, "A while back you pimped my
blog about seeing my baby son for the first
time. Now, 9 months later I'm going back into
hospital for a very different procedure - having
a cochlear implant. It's still a relatively rare
procedure but might be of interest, as
technically it makes me a cyborg, and cyborgs
are cool."
http://wlmager.com/what-does-a-cochlear-implant-so...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CAMPAIGN FOR STANDARDISED KEYBOARD SHORTCUTS -
sites like twitter and gmail allow "power users"
to navigate via keyboard - press ? to see list
of commands - we need a campaign for univ
keyb shortcuts across webs - hard to learn
when they are all diff.
* CAMERON SHOE-BOT - a twitter bot that, every
time Cameron posts, asks him for a photo with a
shoe on his head. Makes a change from all the
abuse asking him to die anyway.
* EBOOK READERS WITH E-INK COVERS - so that you
could advertise what book you're reading. Might
sound silly but book covers are (were?) a
conversation starter. Might stop complaints
that, "your nose is always in tech" - people
might realise you're reading clever books rather
than flicking distractedly at social media.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Join cult: [email protected]
Deprogramming: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by *hiding* with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by maf, gkaye, Paul
Curry, Matt "WE LOVE YOU" Round, Isaac Mangang,
robneymcplum, i.caple, c_kick, gronkpan, thebao,
R. Jimlad, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver,
slartifartfast, ethylmethanoate, kptkiwi. Image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via Gruffi Savalas.
If music be the food of love do individual tunes
correlate to specific sexy meals? Say Duran
Duran's Rio is feeding your lover sauerkraut?
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TOP TIP:
If you find new music a bit annoying as it's
made by people 20 years younger than you,
explore the music that you avoided as being a
bit naff when you were young and cool. Er... we
now sort of like Sade now. Oh, and George
Michael. Sorry.
TOP TIP 2:
When your toilet is blocked don't call a plumber
- try a £2.50 plunger and a wire coat hanger.
Obvious really, but saved us over £40 this
morning - and we scored "brownie points" (ho ho)
with our lovely partner.
