NEWSLETTER: "CONTAINS NO NEWS, IS NOT A LETTER. SINCE 2001."
This Week:
* RUDE FIREWORKS - Relabel your display
* DR WHO CIGAR AD - the past is a different country
* HORROR DILDOS - for annual, seasonal masturbation
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're deleting the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | emails from Jimmy...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"
B3ta email 552 - 26 Oct 2012
Read this issue whilst holding a penis:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue552
Kiss us : [email protected]
Miss us : [email protected]
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: B3TA RECOMMENDS YOU READ
Lost at Sea: The Jon Ronson Mysteries
We celebrated the arrival of our Kindle
Paperwhite (it has a much needed backlight)
with a recommendation from @mushybees that we
read Ronson's latest - a compendium of features
written (mostly) for the Guardian over the
years; meeting with psychics, neural linguistic
programmers, that sort of thing. For us, the
most intriguing bit was the detail about a
marketing database called Mosaic that can drill
down to your postcode and work out whether
you're desperate enough to take out a load of
dumb loans. Kept us busy and gave us plenty of
things to look up on Wikipedia.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/144722257...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Rude fireworks <<
If you fancy being arrested this November the
5th, simply print out this PDF, produced by
Noely Noel, wrap it round some fireworks and
offer to do a "display" for the local kids.
http://bit.ly/VMSDwC
>> Celebrity portraits <<
CCC has been drawing celebs. "So what?" you
say? Aha, but the fun bit is that he's been
tweeting them to the actual celebrities and
they awkwardly play along that they are
enjoying the attention.
http://mycelebrityportraits.blogspot.co.uk/
>> Geo-locate your lost pet <<
"The idea is dead simple," promises Paul
Leader. "You sign up with your email address
and your location, then if someone near you
reports a lost cat you get an email with all
the details and piccies so you can keep your
eyes peeled." Obviously, the more people who
register, the more useful it is. Like
Neighbourhood Watch, or the Stasi for cats. Oh,
and it's non-commercial.
http://lostpetalerts.org
>> A video about replying to emails <<
Some grey bloke, Graham Murkett, gives his tips
for reaching Inbox Zero, replying to every
single email. Yes, even the spam.
http://bit.ly/Tkjb4R
>> Prometheus Coca Cola product placement <<
"I got the rough idea from another user on
YouTube," confesses Black Moon. "But I thought
I could do a better job of it." Ah, the great,
transformative taste of Coca Cola. Pepsi only
rots your teeth, gums, stomach-lining and will
to live.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Prometheus_Coca_Cola_adv...
>> Funny Room <<
"Sorry it's been a while," apologises Ornsack.
"Consider this an early Halloween treat.
Enjoy!" Cripes. Those eyes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Funny_Room
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: KICKSTART A B3TAN'S IAIN BANKS MOVIE
Our favourite low-fi horror director, Rob Lees
Jones AKA EmVee on the board, is making a film
and he needs you to bung your cash in the
Kickstarter pot to make it happen. He's
managed to get Iain Banks to give it the nod
so this should be really exciting. Give him a
hand - go on.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/119205258/piec...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Getting others in trouble
Last week we asked you to confess the times
you'd dumped others in the shit. You shits:
http://b3ta.com/questions/Gettingothersintotrouble...
* WVM - "Leaving Bristol on the M32 some years
ago, a prat in a white van came up behind me
and flashed. I ignored him. He flashed again. I
ignored him. He cut the gap to a couple of feet
and flashed vigorously. I ignored him, and
continued to pootle along at 50mph in the
middle lane. At this point he decided to be a
clever clogs and overtake me on the inside. If
he had been a little less hasty and a little
more observant, he might have noticed the road
markings showing that it was about to diverge,
which is why I was in the middle lane. If he'd
been even more observant he might have noticed
that the trailer I was towing had a glider in
it, and was just over thirty feet long. Add the
length of the VW Camper Van I was driving and
he was now in a diverging lane next to a wall
of metal. He tried to speed up, but there were
others ahead of him and he couldn't get past.
He tried to slow down and I, looking carefully
straight ahead, slowed down to match him. White
van next to me? Really? Can't say I noticed. I
considered waving as he headed off down the
slip road to gawd knows where, but thought he
might get cross." (ubergeekian)
* STUKA - "I spent most of my school career
blending in with the crowd. Except once. Let me
tell you about it. One lunch-break I came up with
the idea of playing Stukas. The iconic WW2 dive
bomber is famous for two things: the crooked
wings and the bowel-loosening howl from the
under-wing sirens during an attack dive. Across
the playground, a small group of girls were
minding their own business. Suddenly, a small boy
sprinted past, arms outstretched - slightly bent
- with an unearthly howl at the top of his lungs.
EEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIOOOOOWWWWW! Before they could
react the next had started his attack run. And
the next, and the next, each screaming as he went
past. The last Stuka trotted off round the
bike-sheds leaving slightly deafened girls having
a hysterical sobbing fit. In class, our victims
picked out their tormentors to join the
shame-faced parade at the front of the room.
'Was anybody else involved in this affair?'
thundered the teacher, a man reputed to have put
pupils in hospital. Despite a long look around,
they utterly failed to notice the front row
speccy kid, desperately trying to look innocent.
My fellow Stukas were led away to punishment and
humiliation, and I watched them, thinking 'Thank
fuck for that.' The Highfields Stuka Squadron
flew no more." (Big D)
* SNEAK - "Dear Daily Mail Editor, everyone here
told nasty jokes about are princess of harts and
Maddy and Jade and they made me cry."
(Larry Death)
>> This Week - DRESSING UP <<
Tell us your tales of costumes, makeup and
dressing up in silly stuff:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dressingup/
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: AMAZON TAT
Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories
Recently we were disturbed to learn about the
subcult of "Bronies" - grown men who profess
ironic(?) affection for My Little Pony. We
wonder if this is next for them? A touching
collection of tales of women taking control of
their lives and the horses they love.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/075820254...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Horror Dildos <<
Presumably a series of sex-toys designed by men
with very inadequate sex lives and who thrill
at the idea of women looking frightened at a
dildo. Pretty sure women would design them to
look like something nice - like a squirrel, or
maybe something useful - like a plumber.
http://www.fleshjack-international.eu/freaks/
>> Singing whale gets a backing track <<
All over the 'tubes this week is the singing
whale that sounds suspiciously human, causing
people to wonder if they have other human
traits too? Like intelligence, compassion and
smelly armpits? Now with a backing track by
Beardyman's brother, Jay Foreman, the end
result is something like The Muppets Theme sung
by Julian Cope.
http://soundcloud.com/jayforeman/singing-whale
>> Kunt pretends to be Barry Bulsara <<
Kunt (out of Kunt & the Gang) used to have a
Myspace page where he pretended to be Barry
Bulsara - the bloke who got done for murdering
Jill Dando (but didn't actually do it). Makes
us almost nostalgic for a time when stunts like
this were seen as the jokes that they are
rather than an excuse to lock people up as
"trolls".
http://www.kuntandthegang.co.uk/barrygeorge.html
>> John Taylor interview <<
Admittedly we're linking this because we're old
Duran Duran fans, but we found this interview
with John Taylor by Curt Smith from Tears for
Fears surprisingly great. It works largely
because there's a shared empathy and similar
history between the two parties and it made us
think that's what's wrong with most interviews
- the person asking the questions doesn't give
a fuck. A better media landscape would present
"conversations" and team up two people with
some sympathy for each other.
http://bit.ly/WvAz7N
>> Cold-call transcripts <<
Our method of dealing with cold-calls is: A.
not answer the phone to anything that's
"international dialling" and B. "Sorry" and put
the phone down. But hey, we know nothing about
comedy and we're missing a trick.
http://www.callhating.com/
>> Infomercial animated gifs <<
Those people in infomercials who are so
incapable of carrying out everyday tasks that
they need to buy some plastic shit to do things
like cooking eggs. Fuck 'em and their law.
http://bit.ly/Uv4VDD
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Think the Sega Game Gear TV Tuner 2.0
* UNLIKELY, UNAIRED DOCTOR WHO CIGAR AD - we're
not suggesting the ad is not funny - it is -
but whoever signed off on associating popular
kids' TV characters with tobacco was surely not
someone who wanted to keep their job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* REFORM SECTION 5 - Rowan Atkinson campaigning
- we believe rightly - that Section 5 of the
Public Order Act should be repealed for its
chilling effect on free speech.
http://bit.ly/SmMiUh
* THE EXORCIST AS 80S SITCOM - you know the
drill with this formula - film cut / genre swap
- but still, amusingly done.
http://bit.ly/QIdLyv
* SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT (ORCHESTRAL
ARRANGEMENT) - simply take the vocal track
(probably from the stems on those Guitar Hero
style games), add orchestra and you have your
very own new genre.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* FRIGHTENING HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN - don't show
this to any children, you vile b3tans.
http://bit.ly/Y1QvhK
* CAT JUMP COMPENDIUM - joyous collection of
feline fail set to an instrumental version of
our song 'Kill the Pop-Ups'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/CaC:5
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: SELF UNHELP
Repeat these affirmations twice a day, naked in
front of the mirror whilst sobbing.
* The most likely result of my dreams is that
they'll remain dreams
* Death isn't the worst thing to happen to me -
but my inevitable painful, drawn-out,
excruciating death
* If I lose weight it'll be temporary
* Yes I do have a book in me but it's not one
that people would want to buy
* Nothing in my life can be improved and this
is as good as it gets
Cheers, thanks B3ta!
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Trees Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards.
Your favourites included:
* TREE PUN 1 - Good to see Sunshine Elephant
post on our challenge, a happy name from the
past.
http://b3ta.com/board/10868611
* TREES PUN 2 - The Shamen themselves were no
strangers to puns, when asked to tone down
Ebeneezer Good for Top of the Pops they added
the line "got any underlay" for a "gratuitous
rugs reference". (Van Da Graph)
http://b3ta.com/board/10869342
* TREE PUN 3 - Duracell inadvertently defined
the language for the bullying of gingers in the
80s, with their slogan "copper-coloured top" -
kids that possibly killed themselves on trees
like these. (Doctor When)
http://b3ta.com/board/10867123
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/trees/
>> New challenge: Unlikely Brand Crossovers <<
Wilkinson Sword Crisps? Harpic Liqueur? Cadbury
Fish Fingers? Fuck knows, you do better, and
you shall.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/brands/popular/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous thingymabobs
* HALLOWEEN DATING FOR UGGOES - "I'm trying to
turn October 31st in to a second Valentine's
Day, for all the weird, misshapen kids," charms
Chris. "With a couple of other b3ta folk's help
I've thrown together a new website, but it's
also an excuse to watch lots of Horror films
eat odd sweets and try on weird outfits."
http://www.bemyhalloween.com
* BEN WHEATLEY NEW MOVIE 'SIGHTSEERS' OUT SOON -
we were delighted to attend the premier last
weekend and a fine film it is too. Starring
Alice Lowe, who very observant B3tans will
recognise from a very odd electro-gold video we
featured many moons ago.
http://blog.sightseersmovie.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Our starters for 10:
* HUMAN BLACK PUDDING - drain off a pint or so
blood and get cooking.
* WHAT SHOULD MICROSOFT DO NEXT? They clearly
haven't made an OS that people basically liked
since XP in 2001 and Windows 8 / Surface is a
dog.
* 4D PRINTER - we're bored of simply being able
to print in three-dimensional space - we want to
print in time. Printer! Print me a sofa and
install it last week!
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Cuddles: [email protected]
Puddles: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by *redacted* with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Mr Eraserhead,
pissflaps, DeSade, Joe Scarymanga, HappyToast,
@SimonNRicketts, JamTallons
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tips? @mikenco.
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TOP TIP:
More toilet-unblocking advice. Put the end of a
mop in a black bin-liner and plunge away with
that. Done in seconds.
Alternatively, reverse the polarity of your
shitting-valve and simply suck the blockage
back up into your welcoming anus.
